Was I neglected?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I’ve read Op doesn’t have, nor does she plan to have, her own children. I think a new perspective and understanding on raising children happens when you become a parent and you see your own parents in a different light.

Without having her own children it’s impossible for OP to truly understand what it’s like to raise children, especially as a single parent and then completely as a single parent because the ex died. Everyone thinks they’re the perfect parent and has all the parenting answers and know how, until they actually have their own children and realize all bets are off.

No, OP was not neglected but for whatever reason she feels like she was not given a proper upbringing or the love/attention she deserves (including because her mother didn’t spend time in the yard teaching her how to play sports?). I am sorry for that OP and this is an excellent reason to work these emotions out with a therapist.

I grew up with hoarder parents, we were food insecure and my parents could not handle money and were always on the brink of bankruptcy. My DH had divorced parents, my MIL would work very late until 9-10pm, then go out on dates, leaving my DH and younger SIL to fend for themselves until the early am hours, regularly, starting when my DH was 6. They had zero activities. No one took them to buy new clothes, etc. All of us were neglected. I am happy to opine OP you don’t sound like you were and had many things going for you that we would have really liked to have had.

This is so true! I gained such a better understanding of my mom after I became a parent…even if I still don’t agree with everything she did I can see why she did things the way she did. There are some truly horrible parents out there but I think most parents do what they think is best for their children. I wonder if OP’s sibling remembers their childhood the way she does.

My Mom pointed out to me that the people in our family who harbored the most anger about how they were parented are the ones who didn’t have children. It doesn’t excuse bad parenting, but having children certainly makes most people more forgiving.

[Anonymous]

OP, many American kids were "latchkey" and walked home alone from the bus stop to an empty house until their parents returned from work in the 70s/80s. Then they had dinner around 6 or 7pm. If your mother never bothered to come home to make you dinner or buy dinner, she neglected you. I had more of a narcissist parent. She cooked dinner every night, but that was it. She did not want to be bothered with me. She pawned me off onto other relatives or ignored me. It was obvious I was unwanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I’ve read Op doesn’t have, nor does she plan to have, her own children. I think a new perspective and understanding on raising children happens when you become a parent and you see your own parents in a different light.

Without having her own children it’s impossible for OP to truly understand what it’s like to raise children, especially as a single parent and then completely as a single parent because the ex died. Everyone thinks they’re the perfect parent and has all the parenting answers and know how, until they actually have their own children and realize all bets are off.

No, OP was not neglected but for whatever reason she feels like she was not given a proper upbringing or the love/attention she deserves (including because her mother didn’t spend time in the yard teaching her how to play sports?). I am sorry for that OP and this is an excellent reason to work these emotions out with a therapist.

I grew up with hoarder parents, we were food insecure and my parents could not handle money and were always on the brink of bankruptcy. My DH had divorced parents, my MIL would work very late until 9-10pm, then go out on dates, leaving my DH and younger SIL to fend for themselves until the early am hours, regularly, starting when my DH was 6. They had zero activities. No one took them to buy new clothes, etc. All of us were neglected. I am happy to opine OP you don’t sound like you were and had many things going for you that we would have really liked to have had.

This is so true! I gained such a better understanding of my mom after I became a parent…even if I still don’t agree with everything she did I can see why she did things the way she did. There are some truly horrible parents out there but I think most parents do what they think is best for their children. I wonder if OP’s sibling remembers their childhood the way she does.

My Mom pointed out to me that the people in our family who harbored the most anger about how they were parented are the ones who didn’t have children. It doesn’t excuse bad parenting, but having children certainly makes most people more forgiving.

I find this exactly what this is, bad parents excusing bad parenting with the" it's hard to be a parent" excuse. More often than not it's abusive or inappropriate behavior that is conveniently glossed over with well " Kids re hard, and you don't have kids."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
New poster - but this PP nails it for me. Very similar and I am just starting to explore it with the help of others and the Emotionally Absent Mother book by Jasmin Lee Cori. I had food, clothing and shelter. Having any needs beyond this were perceived as bad or indulgent so I just shut them down. I was not hugged or told I was loved. I was a very good and sometimes intense kid and often was told by my mother that she didn't like what I did or that the traits of my personality were bad. If this PP has any recommendations on the untangling I am all ears. I am very successful in my adult life by many standards but this is a huge hole I need to work on filling.

I'm the PP with the sister who committed suicide...and I could have written this entire post. I remember when I was about 5 y.o. telling my dad that he never tells us anything good about ourselves, only the bad things we do. My DS is 5 y.o., and I can't imagine what a gut punch it would be to hear that from him. My parents (whom multiple therapists have told me are likely narcissists or at least have narcissistic tendencies) reacted by explaining to me that sometimes they brag to their friends about me. I was told I was ungrateful for as long as I can remember, for infractions as simple as asking to be driven on time to an activity that was already committed (e.g. a game for a sport that my parents had already signed me up for).

Therapy and being kind to myself (as well as honest with myself) about my past are what's helped the most. Having kids definitely increases the urgency. Notably, from what I can gather from her, my aunts/uncle, and my grandparents...my mom was similarly emotionally neglected due to higher emotional needs siblings. I think when I was in HS and my sister have gone off to college and throughout my adulthood, she's realized what she lost with me and tried. But it is very difficult, because I truly don't trust her emotionally...and too often she proves me right. For example, when I was finishing up my PhD thesis, I was in a car accident (from which I struggle with some injuries to this day). My parents traveled overseas for a wedding in the month before my defense...when I was struggling through extreme pain to finish my dissertation. (I could have postponed, but getting it over with seemed the best course.) My parents did not call or email me one single time during that month to check in on me. My now-MIL and late-FIL took a more active interest in their DS's girlfriend's well-being than my parents did.

More than anything, I don't want my kids growing up wondering if their parents loved them or if they secretly felt their life would be easier if they'd never been born. As adults, I don't want my kids to struggle to remember a time when they were shown love, kindness, or affection by their parents. At the same time, I do want them to be self-sufficient and confident, so a lot of the "work" I do to untangle this is around figuring out the way to provide both of these things and recognizing where my own emotional limitations are harming my ability to do this.

I’m the PP of the referenced post above and I just want to reach out and give you a virtual hug. I have a sibling who unsuccessfully attempted suicide 25 years ago, and that was sort of the beginning of me recognizing that how our family worked wasn’t healthy or right. I also have a vivid memory from my childhood of standing up to my dad on behalf of a sibling to say that what my parents were doing to him was wrong. That was so important for me for ceasing the internalization of their treatment and realizing I deserved more, but yes, as a parent now I cannot imagine what I’d do if my own kid called me on my parenting that way. I work hard to prevent her from ever feeling like she needs to.

No magic bullet, btw. Just therapy and self work. The book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was very helpful to me. My sister has also recommended a book about being the grandchild of alcoholics (and thus being raised by people traumatized by alcoholism) that I haven’t read yet but has helped her. Best of luck to both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
New poster - but this PP nails it for me. Very similar and I am just starting to explore it with the help of others and the Emotionally Absent Mother book by Jasmin Lee Cori. I had food, clothing and shelter. Having any needs beyond this were perceived as bad or indulgent so I just shut them down. I was not hugged or told I was loved. I was a very good and sometimes intense kid and often was told by my mother that she didn't like what I did or that the traits of my personality were bad. If this PP has any recommendations on the untangling I am all ears. I am very successful in my adult life by many standards but this is a huge hole I need to work on filling.

I'm the PP with the sister who committed suicide...and I could have written this entire post. I remember when I was about 5 y.o. telling my dad that he never tells us anything good about ourselves, only the bad things we do. My DS is 5 y.o., and I can't imagine what a gut punch it would be to hear that from him. My parents (whom multiple therapists have told me are likely narcissists or at least have narcissistic tendencies) reacted by explaining to me that sometimes they brag to their friends about me. I was told I was ungrateful for as long as I can remember, for infractions as simple as asking to be driven on time to an activity that was already committed (e.g. a game for a sport that my parents had already signed me up for).

Therapy and being kind to myself (as well as honest with myself) about my past are what's helped the most. Having kids definitely increases the urgency. Notably, from what I can gather from her, my aunts/uncle, and my grandparents...my mom was similarly emotionally neglected due to higher emotional needs siblings. I think when I was in HS and my sister have gone off to college and throughout my adulthood, she's realized what she lost with me and tried. But it is very difficult, because I truly don't trust her emotionally...and too often she proves me right. For example, when I was finishing up my PhD thesis, I was in a car accident (from which I struggle with some injuries to this day). My parents traveled overseas for a wedding in the month before my defense...when I was struggling through extreme pain to finish my dissertation. (I could have postponed, but getting it over with seemed the best course.) My parents did not call or email me one single time during that month to check in on me. My now-MIL and late-FIL took a more active interest in their DS's girlfriend's well-being than my parents did.

More than anything, I don't want my kids growing up wondering if their parents loved them or if they secretly felt their life would be easier if they'd never been born. As adults, I don't want my kids to struggle to remember a time when they were shown love, kindness, or affection by their parents. At the same time, I do want them to be self-sufficient and confident, so a lot of the "work" I do to untangle this is around figuring out the way to provide both of these things and recognizing where my own emotional limitations are harming my ability to do this.

I’m the PP of the referenced post above and I just want to reach out and give you a virtual hug. I have a sibling who unsuccessfully attempted suicide 25 years ago, and that was sort of the beginning of me recognizing that how our family worked wasn’t healthy or right. I also have a vivid memory from my childhood of standing up to my dad on behalf of a sibling to say that what my parents were doing to him was wrong. That was so important for me for ceasing the internalization of their treatment and realizing I deserved more, but yes, as a parent now I cannot imagine what I’d do if my own kid called me on my parenting that way. I work hard to prevent her from ever feeling like she needs to.

No magic bullet, btw. Just therapy and self work. The book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was very helpful to me. My sister has also recommended a book about being the grandchild of alcoholics (and thus being raised by people traumatized by alcoholism) that I haven’t read yet but has helped her. Best of luck to both of you.

Could yku please let us know the name of that book? Thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am probably focusing on the bad. She kept the house organized (she had a cleaning lady). The fridge was stocked. She drove me to soccer practice/games. She also paid for my undergraduate degree and living expenses. That said, I feel like I do not have the best relationship with her. In my teenage years I felt that she didn't respect me even though I was a pretty good kid.

Maybe emotionally neglected?

[Anonymous]

OP, Google emotional neglect and also read about attachment theory.

Fwiw, I think many people had emotionally neglectful parents and I find that to be common in WASPs, which is why you’re getting so many PPs telling you that you weren’t neglected. Their parents treated them this way and they are likely raising their own children similarly. This is how you get narcissists and typically cold, jerky people. They don’t even realize that they are emotionally damaged.

Talk to a therapist and be gentle with yourself.

[Anonymous]

If you have to ask, I'd say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I’ve read Op doesn’t have, nor does she plan to have, her own children. I think a new perspective and understanding on raising children happens when you become a parent and you see your own parents in a different light.

Without having her own children it’s impossible for OP to truly understand what it’s like to raise children, especially as a single parent and then completely as a single parent because the ex died. Everyone thinks they’re the perfect parent and has all the parenting answers and know how, until they actually have their own children and realize all bets are off.

No, OP was not neglected but for whatever reason she feels like she was not given a proper upbringing or the love/attention she deserves (including because her mother didn’t spend time in the yard teaching her how to play sports?). I am sorry for that OP and this is an excellent reason to work these emotions out with a therapist.

I grew up with hoarder parents, we were food insecure and my parents could not handle money and were always on the brink of bankruptcy. My DH had divorced parents, my MIL would work very late until 9-10pm, then go out on dates, leaving my DH and younger SIL to fend for themselves until the early am hours, regularly, starting when my DH was 6. They had zero activities. No one took them to buy new clothes, etc. All of us were neglected. I am happy to opine OP you don’t sound like you were and had many things going for you that we would have really liked to have had.

This is so true! I gained such a better understanding of my mom after I became a parent…even if I still don’t agree with everything she did I can see why she did things the way she did. There are some truly horrible parents out there but I think most parents do what they think is best for their children. I wonder if OP’s sibling remembers their childhood the way she does.

My Mom pointed out to me that the people in our family who harbored the most anger about how they were parented are the ones who didn’t have children. It doesn’t excuse bad parenting, but having children certainly makes most people more forgiving.

+ 100 people without kids look backwards and harbour resentments more. People with kids look forward and try to do better than their parents but are more understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I’ve read Op doesn’t have, nor does she plan to have, her own children. I think a new perspective and understanding on raising children happens when you become a parent and you see your own parents in a different light.

Without having her own children it’s impossible for OP to truly understand what it’s like to raise children, especially as a single parent and then completely as a single parent because the ex died. Everyone thinks they’re the perfect parent and has all the parenting answers and know how, until they actually have their own children and realize all bets are off.

No, OP was not neglected but for whatever reason she feels like she was not given a proper upbringing or the love/attention she deserves (including because her mother didn’t spend time in the yard teaching her how to play sports?). I am sorry for that OP and this is an excellent reason to work these emotions out with a therapist.

I grew up with hoarder parents, we were food insecure and my parents could not handle money and were always on the brink of bankruptcy. My DH had divorced parents, my MIL would work very late until 9-10pm, then go out on dates, leaving my DH and younger SIL to fend for themselves until the early am hours, regularly, starting when my DH was 6. They had zero activities. No one took them to buy new clothes, etc. All of us were neglected. I am happy to opine OP you don’t sound like you were and had many things going for you that we would have really liked to have had.

This is so true! I gained such a better understanding of my mom after I became a parent…even if I still don’t agree with everything she did I can see why she did things the way she did. There are some truly horrible parents out there but I think most parents do what they think is best for their children. I wonder if OP’s sibling remembers their childhood the way she does.

My Mom pointed out to me that the people in our family who harbored the most anger about how they were parented are the ones who didn’t have children. It doesn’t excuse bad parenting, but having children certainly makes most people more forgiving.

Not in my case. Once I had a child I couldn’t believe how abandoned I actually was. I had no clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, Google emotional neglect and also read about attachment theory.

Fwiw, I think many people had emotionally neglectful parents and I find that to be common in WASPs, which is why you’re getting so many PPs telling you that you weren’t neglected. Their parents treated them this way and they are likely raising their own children similarly. This is how you get narcissists and typically cold, jerky people. They don’t even realize that they are emotionally damaged.

Talk to a therapist and be gentle with yourself.

+1. I grew up in an immigrant community where we all had very little money but there was a lot more love and warmth in our families than is described as “normal” here. I agree with pp on therapy and other pp’s book recommendations. Hugs, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I’ve read Op doesn’t have, nor does she plan to have, her own children. I think a new perspective and understanding on raising children happens when you become a parent and you see your own parents in a different light.

Without having her own children it’s impossible for OP to truly understand what it’s like to raise children, especially as a single parent and then completely as a single parent because the ex died. Everyone thinks they’re the perfect parent and has all the parenting answers and know how, until they actually have their own children and realize all bets are off.

No, OP was not neglected but for whatever reason she feels like she was not given a proper upbringing or the love/attention she deserves (including because her mother didn’t spend time in the yard teaching her how to play sports?). I am sorry for that OP and this is an excellent reason to work these emotions out with a therapist.

I grew up with hoarder parents, we were food insecure and my parents could not handle money and were always on the brink of bankruptcy. My DH had divorced parents, my MIL would work very late until 9-10pm, then go out on dates, leaving my DH and younger SIL to fend for themselves until the early am hours, regularly, starting when my DH was 6. They had zero activities. No one took them to buy new clothes, etc. All of us were neglected. I am happy to opine OP you don’t sound like you were and had many things going for you that we would have really liked to have had.

This is so true! I gained such a better understanding of my mom after I became a parent…even if I still don’t agree with everything she did I can see why she did things the way she did. There are some truly horrible parents out there but I think most parents do what they think is best for their children. I wonder if OP’s sibling remembers their childhood the way she does.

My Mom pointed out to me that the people in our family who harbored the most anger about how they were parented are the ones who didn’t have children. It doesn’t excuse bad parenting, but having children certainly makes most people more forgiving.

Not in my case. Once I had a child I couldn’t believe how abandoned I actually was. I had no clue.

I think it’s more that having your own child is eye-opening and provides perspective you wouldn’t have otherwise. For some, that leads to feeling more forgiving towards a parent. And for others, it means understanding for the first time what your parents didn’t do for you

[Anonymous]

You were definitely not neglected but the relationship doesn't sound what I'd call "warm" and she was probably more interested in her career and social life than being a mother.

That is quite common.

[Anonymous]

I don’t like the way that other people are talking to you, OP. If you think you may have been neglected, you probably were. This is emotional neglect.

Most likely your mother was in survival mode as a single parent. Did she have support from her own family? Were your grandparents a regular part of your life? Were there aunts/uncles/cousins who came on birthdays and holidays? Did you have a nanny or a regular babysitter?

It is incredibly lonely to be a single parent, esp if there is not support from the extended family. Parenting is a 24-7 job. Relentless. Even with nuerotypical, polite, well-behaved kids the mental load of carrying it all can be crushing.

My mother is emotionally distant. I am an only child. I have always felt lonely. I always knew I wanted to have a bigger family and be a part of my childrens lives in a way that really makes them feel valued and supported. I am doing it but IT IS SO HARD. Most of my friends have the support of extended family members who swoop in and take kids for an afternoon. These folks show up at ballet recitals and preschool graduations. I don’t have that. My mom is still alive but she’s content doing her routine on her own, she doesn’t like to drive, she’s scared of traffic, etc etc. Bottom line - showing up is not important to her. She doesn’t do babysitting. She comes over a couple times a year and sits on the couch and asks me to bring her coffee and wants the kids to come in and smile so she can take pictures of them. It’s all very superficial. She doesn’t know them (or me) in a deep, emotionally-connected sort of way. Definitely doesn’t know about our friends or day-to-day lives. She’s just not interested. It stings a little bit. But I know I’m doing better for my own kids. I just feel like I’m always running on empty since I don’t have much support for myself.

[Anonymous]

This sounds fairly normal to me. My mom would say ILY and truly, I believe, did love me and all my needs were met and education paid for. But she never seemed interested in me the way I am in my kids. And certainly never drove me and stayed during an activity, or played with me, or planned a kid-themed outing. I was an only child and spent weekend evening sin my room while my parents socialized with adult friends.