Was I neglected?

[Anonymous]

OP, don't worry about labeling it right now; talk to a therapist about your relationship with your mother growing up and how it affected (and still) affects you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
New poster - but this PP nails it for me. Very similar and I am just starting to explore it with the help of others and the Emotionally Absent Mother book by Jasmin Lee Cori. I had food, clothing and shelter. Having any needs beyond this were perceived as bad or indulgent so I just shut them down. I was not hugged or told I was loved. I was a very good and sometimes intense kid and often was told by my mother that she didn't like what I did or that the traits of my personality were bad. If this PP has any recommendations on the untangling I am all ears. I am very successful in my adult life by many standards but this is a huge hole I need to work on filling.

I'm the PP with the sister who committed suicide...and I could have written this entire post. I remember when I was about 5 y.o. telling my dad that he never tells us anything good about ourselves, only the bad things we do. My DS is 5 y.o., and I can't imagine what a gut punch it would be to hear that from him. My parents (whom multiple therapists have told me are likely narcissists or at least have narcissistic tendencies) reacted by explaining to me that sometimes they brag to their friends about me. I was told I was ungrateful for as long as I can remember, for infractions as simple as asking to be driven on time to an activity that was already committed (e.g. a game for a sport that my parents had already signed me up for).

Therapy and being kind to myself (as well as honest with myself) about my past are what's helped the most. Having kids definitely increases the urgency. Notably, from what I can gather from her, my aunts/uncle, and my grandparents...my mom was similarly emotionally neglected due to higher emotional needs siblings. I think when I was in HS and my sister have gone off to college and throughout my adulthood, she's realized what she lost with me and tried. But it is very difficult, because I truly don't trust her emotionally...and too often she proves me right. For example, when I was finishing up my PhD thesis, I was in a car accident (from which I struggle with some injuries to this day). My parents traveled overseas for a wedding in the month before my defense...when I was struggling through extreme pain to finish my dissertation. (I could have postponed, but getting it over with seemed the best course.) My parents did not call or email me one single time during that month to check in on me. My now-MIL and late-FIL took a more active interest in their DS's girlfriend's well-being than my parents did.

More than anything, I don't want my kids growing up wondering if their parents loved them or if they secretly felt their life would be easier if they'd never been born. As adults, I don't want my kids to struggle to remember a time when they were shown love, kindness, or affection by their parents. At the same time, I do want them to be self-sufficient and confident, so a lot of the "work" I do to untangle this is around figuring out the way to provide both of these things and recognizing where my own emotional limitations are harming my ability to do this.

[Anonymous]

^^ attempted suicide...

[Anonymous]

Neglect would have been you not wanting to sign up for soccer because you didn’t have a sports bra and your mom complaining about buying you underwear. Neglect would have been not paying for soccer registration or soccer cleats that fit. Neglect would have been forgetting to drive you to school or soccer practice. Neglect would have been forgetting to buy food because your parents ate out at work.

What you describe is at worst a distant parent not a neglectful one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neglect would have been you not wanting to sign up for soccer because you didn’t have a sports bra and your mom complaining about buying you underwear. Neglect would have been not paying for soccer registration or soccer cleats that fit. Neglect would have been forgetting to drive you to school or soccer practice. Neglect would have been forgetting to buy food because your parents ate out at work.

What you describe is at worst a distant parent not a neglectful one.

yes to the bolded, no to the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If course you weren’t neglected. You are mad that your mom didn’t play soccer with you enough? WTF. She took you to practice and gsmes, but you want more!

If sounds like your mom might be awkward, but she has been very generous with you. I hope my kids don’t pick a few random things to fixate on I did wrong as a parent. I am sure there’s something, and I try to be a good mom.

+1 No wonder people don't want kids anymore. You can't win.

[Anonymous]

No, you weren't neglected. Your mom might have been depressed, and she was stressed from being a single mom. She had to do the work of two parents. Plus, single or divorced moms weren't always accepted back then. You should be blaming your dad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were NOT neglected. You have no idea what neglect means. It is to do with basic human needs, hygiene, nourishment, shelter, comfort. It is officially an abuse to neglect your kids.

There are kids who have no education, no birth registration who are living out of motels in this country, open to the abuse of strangers and sometimes sold to strangers.

That is neglect.

Exactly.

I can't believe OP actually thinks she was neglected because her mom didn't play soccer with her.

[Anonymous]

No, this doesn’t sound like neglect. As others have said, this seems like typical parenting of the 70s and 80s. In fact, it sounds a lot like my upbringing. I’m not sure the helicopter style parenting of today is any better and suspect our kids will have different issues from having such a lack of independence and autonomy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were NOT neglected. You have no idea what neglect means. It is to do with basic human needs, hygiene, nourishment, shelter, comfort. It is officially an abuse to neglect your kids.

There are kids who have no education, no birth registration who are living out of motels in this country, open to the abuse of strangers and sometimes sold to strangers.

That is neglect.

Exactly.

I can't believe OP actually thinks she was neglected because her mom didn't play soccer with her.

Well she is in her 30s and lives in the DMV so...entitlement is not far away

[Anonymous]

It's entirely possible that your mom was doing her best. It's also possible that her best wasn't good enough.

That's why it's so great that people can choose whether to parent, but please remember that choice is relatively new and your mom may not have had it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's entirely possible that your mom was doing her best. It's also possible that her best wasn't good enough.

That's why it's so great that people can choose whether to parent, but please remember that choice is relatively new and your mom may not have had it.

Op is in her 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wa sa crappy parent. Many of us had them. Your basic needs were met so no, you weren't neglected.

+1

Benign neglect.

[Anonymous]

seems to be more of lacking warmth, affection & a emotional connection

on the otherhand, helicopter parents are scary in their need to be into every little detail & control all aspects of their children's lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't worry about labeling it right now; talk to a therapist about your relationship with your mother growing up and how it affected (and still) affects you.

This. Folks are getting into a competition because you’re asking about neglect. You didn’t have your emotional needs met. Working with a good therapist will help you understand it all and how it’s affecting you now. It’s been a journey for me. I’m reading a great book I highly recommend calling the emotionally absent mother by jasmin cori.