Was I neglected?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did she get money to live on from? I’m sorry, op. At a minimum it does not sound like an idyllic childhood, that’s for sure. I grew up in a community where people had far fewer resources, but we had a lot more attention from our parents than it seems you received. You seem to be working on understand and accepting it now. Do you have kids of your own?

I don't have kids of my own and never will. She had family money and owns shares in a family business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am probably focusing on the bad. She kept the house organized (she had a cleaning lady). The fridge was stocked. She drove me to soccer practice/games. She also paid for my undergraduate degree and living expenses. That said, I feel like I do not have the best relationship with her. In my teenage years I felt that she didn't respect me even though I was a pretty good kid.

I came home sometimes to an empty house, pretty normal I think back then. However I was never allowed to play sport as it was too much of an inconvenience for my parents, they wouldn't drive me to practice or the game, they told me I had to organise that all by myself, obviously so it was too hard, which it was so I never played sport, ever, in fact I never did any school activities. I had to get a part time job to pay for my first car and I had to pay for all my own stuff. I was too scared to get food out of the fridge because the got angry at me for eating too much. I was always in trouble so I wasn't allowed to use the phone to talk to friends even on my birthday. I was a good kid, I was in trouble for attitude although it was never explained what I had done wrong, so I just continually got grounded and not allowed to go out or do anything and never knew why, to be fair even now I still don't know what I was doing wrong. I think this was because my parents didn't want to spend any extra money on me.

I would say you were not neglected. Perhaps she was not there in an emotional capacity somehow but overall if she didn't understand soccer and didn't teach you, that's not because you were neglected but because she didn't know. That's why there is a coach and practice, I wouldn't hold it that against her. It sounds like she may have had her own drama going on while you were growing up however as a parent she did provide for you.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it sounds similar to the childhoods a lot of us had growing up in the 70s and 80s - especially those of us who had divorced parents. Parents back then weren't as involved in their kids lives and many kids were left to fend for themselves before or after school. Many parents of that generation were also not as in tune with their kids' emotional needs as parents are today. If your childhood was more recent, I can understand why it might feel like you were neglected.

I'm not sure if you were "neglected" but it sounds as though your mom didn't do a great job at "being there" for you and meeting your emotional needs. That can be hard to process. As an adult, you may have the ability to understand your mom in a way that you couldn't as a child, and you may recognize other reasons for why she did what she did. At the same time, however, your inner child may still be hurting from what happened all those years ago. Those feelings can be hard to reconcile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coming home to an empty house was pretty common in the 70s. So we’re detached parents. Not sure how old you were.

If you had food shelter and not verbally abused, I would not say you were neglected. But, you certainly are allowed to wish you had a more loving and involved parent. And you likely felt pretty lonely at times.

+1. Sounds like a pretty typical ‘70’s childhood to me. Not saying it was good, but most parents didn’t actively “parent” they way they do now. I remember a line from a comedienne of that era — something like “The day is over. The kids are alive. I’ve done my job.” Agree that it’s ok to be sad that you didn’t feel your parents’ love. But I think that’s separate from physical neglect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is only mom the “bad parent”? What about the fact that mom did 80% of the parenting, and all the hard stuff at that (work week/school week)? How about dad wasn’t such a peach if he was content with only seeing his kids on the weekends.

Dad died whey she was 14. She only saw him on every other weekend which was probably the custody agreement put in place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she may have had her own drama going on while you were growing up however as a parent she did provide for you.

I think that is likely. She probably needed a counsellor, therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist when I was growing up. You can tell in the old photos, by looking at her eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she ever hug you or say she loved you?

Yes she had. And she used those words when I went to university. It seem liked she was more comfortable saying that in writing rather than in person.

I always felt that she gave weird hugs. She herself was likely neglected by her mom and much more so than me, if I even was.

Ok no you were not neglected, she gave you hugs. I cannot remember a time when my mom hugged me or told me she loved me. She would ignore me if I was crying etc.

Honestly, I am not sure what you are expecting but your mother although not perfect was also not terrible. She went through a divorce and may for a time have been dealing with that. I would say she did the best she could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she ever hug you or say she loved you?

Yes she had. And she used those words when I went to university. It seem liked she was more comfortable saying that in writing rather than in person.

I always felt that she gave weird hugs. She herself was likely neglected by her mom and much more so than me, if I even was.

Ok no you were not neglected, she gave you hugs. I cannot remember a time when my mom hugged me or told me she loved me. She would ignore me if I was crying etc.

Honestly, I am not sure what you are expecting but your mother although not perfect was also not terrible. She went through a divorce and may for a time have been dealing with that. I would say she did the best she could.

Sorry to hear that. The hugs she gives are rare and a bit phoney, but at least it is a hug I guess. We are not a touchy feely family and its not like she would give hugs or backrub out of the blue. She is not very affectionate. That said, if she was affectionate it would probably be for the worse because that kind of trait is not natural for her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is only mom the “bad parent”? What about the fact that mom did 80% of the parenting, and all the hard stuff at that (work week/school week)? How about dad wasn’t such a peach if he was content with only seeing his kids on the weekends.

This. Weird to focus on your mom rather than crappy eo wknd dad

[Anonymous]

My mom was similar, and TBH it did mess me up pretty bad. Luckily dad was highly involved.

But, the pattern still continued into adulthood and I stopped putting in any effort, either. If she couldn't, I didn't see why I had to. I stopped reaching out so we'd go months without talking and sometimes 2-3 years without seeing each other. After I had kids, she came out to visit me once, and spent almost the entire trip in her hotel room.

Haven't seen her in years (I won't go to visit her) and most of the time I don't even respond to her text messages. It's just too draining to try to continue a one-sided relationship she never even wanted.

[Anonymous]

This is a really personal question and there’s a lot more to it.

I’ve basically come to the conclusion that I was emotionally neglected by my parents as a child. So not neglect in a legal sense. But more that my parents didn’t, and we’re actually unable to, provide me with the love and support that a child needs for healthy emotional development. In my case there actually was some physical abuse.

But it was about much more than coming home to an empty house. My mom was a SAHM for instance, so that rarely happened to me. Rather, my parents are both emotionally stunted from growing up in abusive, alcoholic homes. They lack their own emotional maturity so had little to know capacity to guide us. They often transposed our roles, demanding the live and affection from us that they did not get from their own parents growing up, and becoming cruel, vindictive, and sometimes violent when we didn’t provide it. Everyone in my house growing up, including me, just had this pit of emotional need in them that went unfulfilled. Yet we were all housed and clothed and fed. You would never have known what was under the surface if you weren’t part if the family.

And by the way, I don’t really have any anger towards my family about this. I do have anger about the physical abuse, which they should have (and I think on some level did) known was wrong. And some general anger at certain aspects of the situation (mainly that they had so many children when they had such limited emotional capacity— it’s clear to me that they were trying to fill an emotional need, which is just a great reason to have a bunch of kids). But not at them. They did their best. They were limited by their own backgrounds. Middle class Catholics didn’t go to therapy back then.

But figuring this out has helped me evolve as a person and be a better parent. Very much worth untangling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am probably focusing on the bad. She kept the house organized (she had a cleaning lady). The fridge was stocked. She drove me to soccer practice/games. She also paid for my undergraduate degree and living expenses. That said, I feel like I do not have the best relationship with her. In my teenage years I felt that she didn't respect me even though I was a pretty good kid.

Difficult to tell from your OP. You were clearly not neglected from the standpoint of basic care. You may have been emotionally neglected...seems likely, but hard to tell.

I think I am a good example of someone who was pretty clearly emotionally neglected, though it's not really an official term I don't think. As an example, my sister tried to kill herself when I was 11, and I was the one who had to call 911 because my mom was hysterical and my dad had flown off to visit my grandparents overseas when it happened (because he was stressed about my sister's depression). I realized recently that in 30 years since, my parents never once asked me how I felt about what happened, if I was scared that night etc. Aside from confirming it was an intentional overdose the next day, they never once mentioned it or asked me about it. They also did things like forget they had promised to attend the one game a season they said they would. Or forget to tuck me in after they said good night to my sister and got into a fight with her, and then when I came to their room to ask they would just shout good night to me from their bed. I knew they were stressed over my depressed sister with an ED, but as a parent now I realize how messed up it was that they just sort of pretended that their other kid didn't need anything except food, clothes, and shelter.

None of this is the same as material neglect, but it is emotionally harmful. I've spent a lot of time in therapy, unsurprisingly. It's hard when your physical and material needs were met to admit that there was something fundamental you didn't get...and that it hurt you not to have it. You feel perpetually ungrateful. But if you want to have a good relationship with your spouse and kids (or really anyone), you have to learn to make yourself emotionally vulnerable. And that starts with admitting you have emotional needs.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP, you were neglected. I recommend reading Dr. Jonice Webb's "Running on Empty." This book explains emotional neglect and helpful examples.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like you were neglected, no. Everyone has issues to work out with their parents.

[Anonymous]

No it doesn’t sound like you were neglected.