Was I neglected?

[Anonymous]

Brief history:

Mom and dad split up when I was 5. I saw dad every other weekend until he passed away when I was 14.

Mom was always stressed out, even though my brother and I were good kids

Mom worked 1-1.5 days a week and spent much of her time at the tennis club, golf club, swimming, or at the monthly book club. Also the Friday night "social club" when I got older

I came home to an empty house without adults most days

Mom never had the best communication skills, in fact I think she has a deficit in that domain

Not the most empathetic person

She could be very strict at times and not "fair".

At times she would say "I pay for this, I pay for that, don't take to me that way" or something to that effect. I would then refuse allowance, or chore money, but still did the chores and didn't act out.

I was not very athletic, but she never played any sports with me or practiced soccer in the backyard or tried to teach me. I think she likely would not have known how, so perhaps that is for the best.

[Anonymous]

She wa sa crappy parent. Many of us had them. Your basic needs were met so no, you weren't neglected.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. This is something you could explore with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

I am probably focusing on the bad. She kept the house organized (she had a cleaning lady). The fridge was stocked. She drove me to soccer practice/games. She also paid for my undergraduate degree and living expenses. That said, I feel like I do not have the best relationship with her. In my teenage years I felt that she didn't respect me even though I was a pretty good kid.

[Anonymous]

Coming home to an empty house was pretty common in the 70s. So we’re detached parents. Not sure how old you were.

If you had food shelter and not verbally abused, I would not say you were neglected. But, you certainly are allowed to wish you had a more loving and involved parent. And you likely felt pretty lonely at times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wa sa crappy parent. Many of us had them. Your basic needs were met so no, you weren't neglected.

Why does it seem like wealthier women often are not the best parents? Lately, I have wondered if it would have been better for me to attend boarding school. Maybe the teachers and staff would have been better mentors. My brother didn't want to go, so when I got older my mom only asked me casually and didn't pressure me into going

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coming home to an empty house was pretty common in the 70s. So we’re detached parents. Not sure how old you were.

If you had food shelter and not verbally abused, I would not say you were neglected. But, you certainly are allowed to wish you had a more loving and involved parent. And you likely felt pretty lonely at times.

I am 30 and grew up in the 90s. I didn't mind being a latchkey kid and likely would have preferred it the alternative (of being around my mom all the time). If anything I am glad I wasn't around her more because she always seemed stressed or anxious and I think her presence was a bad influence.

[Anonymous]

Bad parent. Not neglectful.
Were your basic needs met??

[Anonymous]

Did she ever hug you or say she loved you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brief history:

Mom and dad split up when I was 5. I saw dad every other weekend until he passed away when I was 14.

Mom was always stressed out, even though my brother and I were good kids

Mom worked 1-1.5 days a week and spent much of her time at the tennis club, golf club, swimming, or at the monthly book club. Also the Friday night "social club" when I got older

I came home to an empty house without adults most days

Mom never had the best communication skills, in fact I think she has a deficit in that domain

Not the most empathetic person

She could be very strict at times and not "fair".

At times she would say "I pay for this, I pay for that, don't take to me that way" or something to that effect. I would then refuse allowance, or chore money, but still did the chores and didn't act out.

I was not very athletic, but she never played any sports with me or practiced soccer in the backyard or tried to teach me. I think she likely would not have known how, so perhaps that is for the best.

Another thing:

I was very happy to just go to the local flagship university, which was in our home city. FWIW we lived in Canada. However, she wanted me to apply to American universities and write the SAT. She herself attended a regional private university in the USA. Her parents also studied at private universities in the USA. She basically said I couldn't or shouldn't go to the local university, even though it was superior to the American ones I applied to. She preferred me to go to an inferior school in the USA. I felt very insecure about this and regretted the decision. I think it took a toll on my mental health. When I brought up that I wanted to transfer at the end of my first year, she was a bit dismissive and never chatted with me to really get down to why I wanted to transfer... As you can tell I wasn't a very confident kid.

[Anonymous]

Why is only mom the “bad parent”? What about the fact that mom did 80% of the parenting, and all the hard stuff at that (work week/school week)? How about dad wasn’t such a peach if he was content with only seeing his kids on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bad parent. Not neglectful.
Were your basic needs met??

I think very much so, maybe not emotional needs though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is only mom the “bad parent”? What about the fact that mom did 80% of the parenting, and all the hard stuff at that (work week/school week)? How about dad wasn’t such a peach if he was content with only seeing his kids on the weekends.

You're not wrong. I would give my dad a much worse grade. To be fair he likely suffered from depression and other health ailments.

[Anonymous]

Where did she get money to live on from? I’m sorry, op. At a minimum it does not sound like an idyllic childhood, that’s for sure. I grew up in a community where people had far fewer resources, but we had a lot more attention from our parents than it seems you received. You seem to be working on understand and accepting it now. Do you have kids of your own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she ever hug you or say she loved you?

Yes she had. And she used those words when I went to university. It seem liked she was more comfortable saying that in writing rather than in person.

I always felt that she gave weird hugs. She herself was likely neglected by her mom and much more so than me, if I even was.