Was I neglected?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brief history:

Mom and dad split up when I was 5. I saw dad every other weekend until he passed away when I was 14.

Mom was always stressed out, even though my brother and I were good kids

Mom worked 1-1.5 days a week and spent much of her time at the tennis club, golf club, swimming, or at the monthly book club. Also the Friday night "social club" when I got older

I came home to an empty house without adults most days

Mom never had the best communication skills, in fact I think she has a deficit in that domain

Not the most empathetic person

She could be very strict at times and not "fair".

At times she would say "I pay for this, I pay for that, don't take to me that way" or something to that effect. I would then refuse allowance, or chore money, but still did the chores and didn't act out.

I was not very athletic, but she never played any sports with me or practiced soccer in the backyard or tried to teach me. I think she likely would not have known how, so perhaps that is for the best.

She was not the best parent to you, but not all people are good at parenting. There's a wide spectrum out there. Rather than trying to figure out whether she falls under the neglectful or not category by others, remember that's just a label. What is more important is how YOU perceive it. Better yet, I'd just focus on her upsides, what attention and love she DID give you.

[Anonymous]

Wow your mom sounds great compared to mine, an abusive alcoholic. Why are you looking for problems and are you a millennial?

[Anonymous]

Has nobody here read the Philip Larkin poem?

[Anonymous]

I am on page 1. Just go to therapy and explore your feelings. I am sorry but I can’t muster up any commiseration

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is only mom the “bad parent”? What about the fact that mom did 80% of the parenting, and all the hard stuff at that (work week/school week)? How about dad wasn’t such a peach if he was content with only seeing his kids on the weekends.

Dad died whey she was 14. She only saw him on every other weekend which was probably the custody agreement put in place.

Yes, and? My husband would not be content with an 80%/20% custody agreement. On account of him being a good dad. I’m not saying OP’s mom was great. What I am saying is that OP’s mom carried more pressure and more burden, and here we are focusing on how bad she was. How about Weekend Dad by default is not a great parent either.

That's how custody and visitation worked then. Dad's saw their kids every other weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I’ve read Op doesn’t have, nor does she plan to have, her own children. I think a new perspective and understanding on raising children happens when you become a parent and you see your own parents in a different light.

Without having her own children it’s impossible for OP to truly understand what it’s like to raise children, especially as a single parent and then completely as a single parent because the ex died. Everyone thinks they’re the perfect parent and has all the parenting answers and know how, until they actually have their own children and realize all bets are off.

No, OP was not neglected but for whatever reason she feels like she was not given a proper upbringing or the love/attention she deserves (including because her mother didn’t spend time in the yard teaching her how to play sports?). I am sorry for that OP and this is an excellent reason to work these emotions out with a therapist.

I grew up with hoarder parents, we were food insecure and my parents could not handle money and were always on the brink of bankruptcy. My DH had divorced parents, my MIL would work very late until 9-10pm, then go out on dates, leaving my DH and younger SIL to fend for themselves until the early am hours, regularly, starting when my DH was 6. They had zero activities. No one took them to buy new clothes, etc. All of us were neglected. I am happy to opine OP you don’t sound like you were and had many things going for you that we would have really liked to have had.

This is so true! I gained such a better understanding of my mom after I became a parent…even if I still don’t agree with everything she did I can see why she did things the way she did. There are some truly horrible parents out there but I think most parents do what they think is best for their children. I wonder if OP’s sibling remembers their childhood the way she does.

My Mom pointed out to me that the people in our family who harbored the most anger about how they were parented are the ones who didn’t have children. It doesn’t excuse bad parenting, but having children certainly makes most people more forgiving.

I find this exactly what this is, bad parents excusing bad parenting with the" it's hard to be a parent" excuse. More often than not it's abusive or inappropriate behavior that is conveniently glossed over with well " Kids re hard, and you don't have kids."

I wrote that, and it is not my experience at all. In fact, the opposite — more like the adult that didn’t have kids is mad because their parents weren’t perfect. It’s pretty clear when the 3 of 4 children who had kids themselves think the parents did an ok job, all things considered, and the one who didn’t stays permanently mad about vague, unspecified parenting failures.

[Anonymous]

Ignored but not neglected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am probably focusing on the bad. She kept the house organized (she had a cleaning lady). The fridge was stocked. She drove me to soccer practice/games. She also paid for my undergraduate degree and living expenses. That said, I feel like I do not have the best relationship with her. In my teenage years I felt that she didn't respect me even though I was a pretty good kid.

Difficult to tell from your OP. You were clearly not neglected from the standpoint of basic care. You may have been emotionally neglected...seems likely, but hard to tell.

I think I am a good example of someone who was pretty clearly emotionally neglected, though it's not really an official term I don't think. As an example, my sister tried to kill herself when I was 11, and I was the one who had to call 911 because my mom was hysterical and my dad had flown off to visit my grandparents overseas when it happened (because he was stressed about my sister's depression). I realized recently that in 30 years since, my parents never once asked me how I felt about what happened, if I was scared that night etc. Aside from confirming it was an intentional overdose the next day, they never once mentioned it or asked me about it. They also did things like forget they had promised to attend the one game a season they said they would. Or forget to tuck me in after they said good night to my sister and got into a fight with her, and then when I came to their room to ask they would just shout good night to me from their bed. I knew they were stressed over my depressed sister with an ED, but as a parent now I realize how messed up it was that they just sort of pretended that their other kid didn't need anything except food, clothes, and shelter.

None of this is the same as material neglect, but it is emotionally harmful. I've spent a lot of time in therapy, unsurprisingly. It's hard when your physical and material needs were met to admit that there was something fundamental you didn't get...and that it hurt you not to have it. You feel perpetually ungrateful. But if you want to have a good relationship with your spouse and kids (or really anyone), you have to learn to make yourself emotionally vulnerable. And that starts with admitting you have emotional needs.

This was so well said and the bolded really hit me. It was my experience too (though they weren’t much better to my needier sister). It’s been hard and I have a very transactional and surface level conversation with my parents today. If they notice they don’t seem to care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow your mom sounds great compared to mine, an abusive alcoholic. Why are you looking for problems and are you a millennial?

she already said she was 30

yes, a milliennial!

[Anonymous]

You might be describing what my therapist calls "benign neglect". It's how I grew up. Physical needs being met (although there was some medical / health neglect for sure). My mom lacks empathy, refused to help me with school work, makes a joke of anything serious, is prone to anger and drama.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think so. I think you needed more than she could give. Take it as alearning lesson for your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coming home to an empty house was pretty common in the 70s. So we’re detached parents. Not sure how old you were.

If you had food shelter and not verbally abused, I would not say you were neglected. But, you certainly are allowed to wish you had a more loving and involved parent. And you likely felt pretty lonely at times.

I had a wonderful mother and came home to an empty house my entire childhood in the 70s. I was a latchkey kid. It was normal at the time. I got home at 3:30 and my mom got home at 6. She worked FT. I wanted a mom home with milk and cookies waiting like my friends who had SAHMs. She would tell me I will understand when I am older. She was right. I’m a professional and pretty independent now. My female friends from then who had SAHMs are lower earners.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you were emotionally neglected, OP. I was too. It has affected my life trajectory so the impact is carrying into my 50s. (Mostly in my choice of spouse. People who grow up emotionally neglected will often choose a spouse who also can't respond emotionally, because it feels familiar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might be describing what my therapist calls "benign neglect". It's how I grew up. Physical needs being met (although there was some medical / health neglect for sure). My mom lacks empathy, refused to help me with school work, makes a joke of anything serious, is prone to anger and drama.

That doesn’t sound benign. I think you are just referring to emotional neglect, as PPs have discussed at length. As opposed to material neglect (failure to adequately clothe, feed, provide education or other basic needs) which is generally how the law defines neglect.

CPS gets involved in material neglect cases but not emotional neglect. They will get involved if there is evidence of emotional abuse, but that’s different.

But that doesn’t make emotional neglect benign. Lots of people (myself included) feel the impact for decades after they are grown. I also know there are complex relationships between emotional neglect and both material neglect and all kinds of abuse. My parents were emotionally neglectful in large part because they are abuse survivors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is only mom the “bad parent”? What about the fact that mom did 80% of the parenting, and all the hard stuff at that (work week/school week)? How about dad wasn’t such a peach if he was content with only seeing his kids on the weekends.

This. Weird to focus on your mom rather than crappy eo wknd dad

It is 100% typical that ACOD focus more on criticizing shortcomings of the parent who was there and took care of them than on the idealized absent parent.