Maintaining a friendship when other mom doesn't like my kid

[Anonymous]

OP, it does sound like your son is at best participating in group teasing and being unkind. I would be clear with him that his behavior is impacting his friendship with her twin. If I was Emily’s mom I would be talking to my son to get additional insight and I’m guessing he’s validating Emily’s concerns for her to be reaching out to you.

[Anonymous]

You are dismissing your sons bad behavior. Mocking the girl by calling her M&M is extremely rude. Assigning unwanted nicknames is not acceptable behavior and yet you dismiss her as too sensitive. I remember quite vividly when at a similar age a friend named Claire was mocked by a boy calling her “eclair” and it was very upsetting to her. Thankfully the adults in that situation had the common sense to tell him to cut it out.

[Anonymous]

OP, the mother sounds a bit much and maybe could have handled this situation with more smarts and finesse. HOWEVER, she is a mother protecting her child. It also sounds that she is coming from a place of HURT. Your son is supposed to be her own son's good friend and he actively participates in the teasing of her daughter. Even in your own statements defending your son, you can tell he is no angel and already wrongly accused as "sexist" a mother who defends her daughter. Yikes!

I feel sorry for friends losing a good friendship, but your son had responsibility for this fallout. He is not a 5 years old, he was told repeatedly to be mindful of his interactions with this girl and he didn't. He is ten years old, he is able to self-correct, but he did not.

[Anonymous]

If it were me, I would let the friendship go and tell your DS to stay far away from the sister.

If you're 100% certain that your DS isn't deliberately targeting this girl, I would let the friendship go. The mom is calling/texting you over (imo) some extremely minor stuff and her DD sounds way too fragile (probably reinforced by mom's constant rescue and attention for every little thing).

Anyway, once your DS is on someone's list, it's hard to change minds.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you the pool mom from this summer? The one whose child was screamed at for knocking his friend’s sister off a raft?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. Some parents are confused about their role. This lady’s job is to teach her daughter resilience, not blame your son when her daughter is overly sensitive. I’d feel differently if your son were truly targeting her or doing something mean that crosses a line, but I believe you when you say he is not. He’s behaving like a typical 10 year old boy. They are not perfect. It seems like it’s a thing that 10 year old girls get hurt/horrified/offended over things that other boys would probably just brush off or laugh off. It’s hard for parents to see their child hurt, so maybe that’s why this other mom went all irrational mama bear on your son. I’d protect my son from her, personally. He doesn’t need her blame or toxicity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it were me, I would let the friendship go and tell your DS to stay far away from the sister.

If you're 100% certain that your DS isn't deliberately targeting this girl, I would let the friendship go. The mom is calling/texting you over (imo) some extremely minor stuff and her DD sounds way too fragile (probably reinforced by mom's constant rescue and attention for every little thing).

Anyway, once your DS is on someone's list, it's hard to change minds.

I agree with this. Tell your son he can be friends with the boy twin at school/activities but that’s it. He can tell his friend it’s because his mom blames him for anything that happens to his sister.

Reading between the lines it sounds like the boy twin is a big part of teasing his sister, but it’s easier for the mom to blame his friends than deal with her own child’s bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Some parents are confused about their role. This lady’s job is to teach her daughter resilience, not blame your son when her daughter is overly sensitive. I’d feel differently if your son were truly targeting her or doing something mean that crosses a line, but I believe you when you say he is not. He’s behaving like a typical 10 year old boy. They are not perfect. It seems like it’s a thing that 10 year old girls get hurt/horrified/offended over things that other boys would probably just brush off or laugh off. It’s hard for parents to see their child hurt, so maybe that’s why this other mom went all irrational mama bear on your son. I’d protect my son from her, personally. He doesn’t need her blame or toxicity.

It’s also the other mother’s job to teach her son that you shouldn’t condone and enable cruel/inappropriate behavior by continuing to bring around people who behave inappropriately. This may the other mom giving OP a chance to address the inappropriate behavior with her own child before they take stronger measures to their own child to reinforce the message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Some parents are confused about their role. This lady’s job is to teach her daughter resilience, not blame your son when her daughter is overly sensitive. I’d feel differently if your son were truly targeting her or doing something mean that crosses a line, but I believe you when you say he is not. He’s behaving like a typical 10 year old boy. They are not perfect. It seems like it’s a thing that 10 year old girls get hurt/horrified/offended over things that other boys would probably just brush off or laugh off. It’s hard for parents to see their child hurt, so maybe that’s why this other mom went all irrational mama bear on your son. I’d protect my son from her, personally. He doesn’t need her blame or toxicity.

This woman isn’t confused. It’s one thing for the boys to be school friends, but she is right to avoid your son outside of school. He has admitted to repeatedly participating in teasing this girl. Why would she subject her daughter to your son outside of school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Some parents are confused about their role. This lady’s job is to teach her daughter resilience, not blame your son when her daughter is overly sensitive. I’d feel differently if your son were truly targeting her or doing something mean that crosses a line, but I believe you when you say he is not. He’s behaving like a typical 10 year old boy. They are not perfect. It seems like it’s a thing that 10 year old girls get hurt/horrified/offended over things that other boys would probably just brush off or laugh off. It’s hard for parents to see their child hurt, so maybe that’s why this other mom went all irrational mama bear on your son. I’d protect my son from her, personally. He doesn’t need her blame or toxicity.

It’s also the other mother’s job to teach her son that you shouldn’t condone and enable cruel/inappropriate behavior by continuing to bring around people who behave inappropriately. This may the other mom giving OP a chance to address the inappropriate behavior with her own child before they take stronger measures to their own child to reinforce the message.

That’s right. OP shouldn’t condone the cruelty/blame this other mom is extending toward her son. It’s hard for kids to know when an adult is acting irrationally toward them. OP has addressed everything with her son but she should absolutely not overreact and over discipline her son because someone else was extra sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Some parents are confused about their role. This lady’s job is to teach her daughter resilience, not blame your son when her daughter is overly sensitive. I’d feel differently if your son were truly targeting her or doing something mean that crosses a line, but I believe you when you say he is not. He’s behaving like a typical 10 year old boy. They are not perfect. It seems like it’s a thing that 10 year old girls get hurt/horrified/offended over things that other boys would probably just brush off or laugh off. It’s hard for parents to see their child hurt, so maybe that’s why this other mom went all irrational mama bear on your son. I’d protect my son from her, personally. He doesn’t need her blame or toxicity.

This woman isn’t confused. It’s one thing for the boys to be school friends, but she is right to avoid your son outside of school. He has admitted to repeatedly participating in teasing this girl. Why would she subject her daughter to your son outside of school?

Then she should avoid him if she thinks he is to be avoided. She doesn’t need to rope OP into all of her inner thoughts and sensitivity. Op, your son actually sounds like a nice boy who is trying to navigate this and is being honest with you. Don’t let someone else’s crazy make you not have your son’s back. I’m sorry this may impact the friendship with the brother. That is a loss, but sometimes kids just have to be school friends if there are other extenuating circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Oh, the drama! Tell your kid not to be a jerk. Tell the mom that your darling and Em should be able to work this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The truth is that there is twin jealousy at play. The girl wants in on her brother's group, but lacks that rapport with them, and there's friction, and she points fingers at one boy. The mother believes her and reacts accordingly.

When your son is out of the picture, another boy will be targeted, OP, and perhaps, if the mother isn't dumb as a bag of rocks, she'll start to realize the problem wasn't your son. But I doubt it. Some people are ready to think everyone is against their child before admitting that the issue is closer to home.

Omg I think this is it! Never considered this but boy twin is super popular and easygoing and well liked with a big friend group and ‘Em has a much harder time socially.

My son isn’t best friends with the boy, he has other close friends but he really likes this kid and we have lots of things they do together (basketball, scouts, etc). I don’t dislike Em, she’s less easy going and prone to drama but I have 3 kids and 6 siblings so I know how temperaments don’t equal character.

~OP

Then just let them do these activities together. Why does your son need to go to their house? If they want to hang out together outside of school or activities, they can hang out at your house.

[Anonymous]

My daughter had a girl just like Em as a best friend. It started around gr.4-5 where suddenly it was my daughters fault everytime Em-kid was upset afterschool. Daughter can be blunt but we work on that. So then my daughter is devastated to lose her friend but the mother and friend are so over the top calling and complaining, so kids stop being friends. A few years later Em-kid is all over the place emotionally and cycles through friends at an insane rate. She is barely tolerable. Meanwhile dd is happily content in a large group of friends.

You have nothing to lose - Em's mom is NOT helping her child, instead just blaming and trying to control yours. This is not a good life skill. Tell the other mom that you don't accept your son being blamed for Ems emotional difficulties and that as usual you encourage positive behavior, her complaints are crossing a line and unfair to both your son and hers.

She's trying to push Em's complex onto you guys and that's wrong.

[Anonymous]

Op, I saw this dynamic with neighbor of mine, who used to blame another neighbor’s boy for any trouble. Never her own son. There was some truth to it, but I think it was just the dynamic when those two got together. No matter who initiated the idea or who did what, the neighbor kid always got the blame.

It’s not a good situation for your son to be in, known as “trouble maker” and you can be sure that she tells anyone who listens (like my neighbor used to complain to me about the other neighbor’s kid) about what a trouble maker your son is. At this stage, even if your son becomes holier than the pope, he’d still get blamed. So cut the losses for your son, and let them be friends at school or have play dates only at your house.