Maintaining a friendship when other mom doesn't like my kid

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10/23/2021 19:41

Subject: Maintaining a friendship when other mom doesn't like my kid

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Anonymous

My 10 year old (5th grade) son is friends with a boy who has a twin sister. My son and the boy have been close since kindergarten, they live a few blocks away, and ride the same bus. The boy is a super sweet and pretty amazing kid. His sister is prone to more drama and difficulty (whining, crying when she doesn't get her way, etc.) but is also a generally nice kid. My son is also a good kid but can be stubborn and is strong-willed. He has really never been in trouble at school or on the bus besides things like talking during quiet time and that sort of thing. Nothing major.

Over the years I have received several complaints about my son's behavior from the mom of these twins. I don't mind hearing from a mom about something my kid has done so that I can talk to them about it but it seems like every single time this mom doesn't quite have the narrative correctly (according to my son and his siblings in several cases). For example, the girl's name is Emily but she goes mostly by "Em". My son and her brother and some other kids started calling her M&M. The mom was livid because Em was upset about this and she texted me and told me that my son was the ringleader of all of this and it needed to stop. I was horrified and talked to my son about it. He (and his older sister) said that most of the kids were calling her that and my son wasn't the one who started it at all. And my son doesn't really pay much attention to her...he likes her brother and ignores Em for the most part. Regardless...I asked him to stop and to just be kind to Em since she is his really good friend's sister.

There have been 5-6 other similar incidents and primarily they follow a common theme where my son is blamed for some group behavior or blamed for targeting her when he hasn't intentionally. If I thought my son was the ringleader type, I'd feel differently but I really don't think he is. He's definitely more of a follower and his stubborn streak means he digs his heels in when someone accuses him of something he doesn't think he should be responsible for.

Today I got a text from her about my son saying that my son had been taunting Em. Saying Em's violin was annoying when they were on the bus earlier this week. Em was very upset and crying, etc. As I usually do, I said sorry and I'd talk to my son. Well...according to my son he said he thought that the sound of the school orchestra was annoying vs. the sound of the band. Like "I think the band sounds better than the orchestra. The orchestra sounds annoying." Not targeting Em specifically and just being a bit of a jerk but expressing his opinion (his sister plays the violin and he is NOT a fan. He doesn't do any kind of music). I do not find this a big deal given these kids have literally had 4 weeks of band/orchestra at this point and it's not like being a supreme violin player is a major part of Em's identity. She needs to toughen up and my son wasn't directing it at her anyway.

The mom said she's getting to the point where she doesn't think my son and hers can be friends if "these behaviors" continue. I don't know what to do about this because I genuinely think she just doesn't like my kid and is overracting to every thing he does and takes out her daughter's frustrations with her brother's friends solely on MY son. There is no other family that has had any issues with my son like this, it's irrational as far as I can tell.

My son loves this kid, though, and would be heartbroken if they couldn't be friends. He says he thinks that the mom just hates him and she's being sexist and likes girls better. I think the first part might be true but the second is probably not haha.

I think once they are in middle school mom is going to have to take a step back from getting involved in this stuff anyway...but in the meantime I'm not sure what to do. I coached my son that he should just be kind to Em and understand that Em and his friend's mom is a bit sensitive about Em's feelings so just to be extra nice. He's agreed to this but given that he hasn't really been targeting her to start with...not sure if this will work.

And before you flame me...I accept that my son's "truth" may not be the whole story but this is a pattern with one specific family that doesn't exist with other friends AND with several of these incidents my son's siblings back up my son's story (and they don't normally!!)