Maintaining a friendship when other mom doesn't like my kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say your son is blamed for “some group” behavior. That’s very telling. So a group of kids are targeting this girl, your brat is involved but also claims to be the twin brother’s friend?? Yeah your brat sounds like an unkind bully who likes to gang up on kids…. I wouldn’t want him anywhere near either of my kids. The mom is right.

Nope. Sorry, mom raising professional victims, but nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say your son is blamed for “some group” behavior. That’s very telling. So a group of kids are targeting this girl, your brat is involved but also claims to be the twin brother’s friend?? Yeah your brat sounds like an unkind bully who likes to gang up on kids…. I wouldn’t want him anywhere near either of my kids. The mom is right.

Nope. Sorry, mom raising professional victims, but nope.

And you know this how? OP admits her kid being part of a group bothering this kid. Who cares if she is sensitive? tell the boy to leave her alone then the problem is solved.

[Anonymous]

The problem is that he is being blamed for doing stuff that offends her but isn’t targeted at her. If my kid hears someone insult Marvel movies he defends the movies that he loves….he doesn’t take it as a personal insult.

[Anonymous]

A lot of things can be true at the same time, but one thing I noticed is that you do admit your son can be a jerk or rude at times, but I didn't once see you emphasize how you are trying to teach him to be a kinder or more empathic person. Emily may be the problem in their interactions, or she may be the victim, or somewhere in between. To me that isn't the most important issue. You acknowledge things about your son that I would want to shape if I was his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that he is being blamed for doing stuff that offends her but isn’t targeted at her. If my kid hears someone insult Marvel movies he defends the movies that he loves….he doesn’t take it as a personal insult.

Lol you are a fool if you think at ten this boy don’t know exatky what’s going on. Instead of mom really getting on him about his behavior she can make excuses and have him lose a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say your son is blamed for “some group” behavior. That’s very telling. So a group of kids are targeting this girl, your brat is involved but also claims to be the twin brother’s friend?? Yeah your brat sounds like an unkind bully who likes to gang up on kids…. I wouldn’t want him anywhere near either of my kids. The mom is right.

Nope. Sorry, mom raising professional victims, but nope.

And you know this how? OP admits her kid being part of a group bothering this kid. Who cares if she is sensitive? tell the boy to leave her alone then the problem is solved.

No it’s not. Because if any of the brother’s friends bother the girl it will be OP’s sons fault. He can’t control other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The truth is that there is twin jealousy at play. The girl wants in on her brother's group, but lacks that rapport with them, and there's friction, and she points fingers at one boy. The mother believes her and reacts accordingly.

When your son is out of the picture, another boy will be targeted, OP, and perhaps, if the mother isn't dumb as a bag of rocks, she'll start to realize the problem wasn't your son. But I doubt it. Some people are ready to think everyone is against their child before admitting that the issue is closer to home.

Omg I think this is it! Never considered this but boy twin is super popular and easygoing and well liked with a big friend group and ‘Em has a much harder time socially.

My son isn’t best friends with the boy, he has other close friends but he really likes this kid and we have lots of things they do together (basketball, scouts, etc). I don’t dislike Em, she’s less easy going and prone to drama but I have 3 kids and 6 siblings so I know how temperaments don’t equal character.

~OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just invite HER son over to your house so she doesn't have to deal with him? Bypass the whole problem.

+1

This one's easy. A no-brainer.

+2 why is this even an issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of things can be true at the same time, but one thing I noticed is that you do admit your son can be a jerk or rude at times, but I didn't once see you emphasize how you are trying to teach him to be a kinder or more empathic person. Emily may be the problem in their interactions, or she may be the victim, or somewhere in between. To me that isn't the most important issue. You acknowledge things about your son that I would want to shape if I was his mother.

+1 to all of this. OP, even if your son isn’t the ringleader, if he is participating in negative group behavior then he is part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Today I got a text from her about my son saying that my son had been taunting Em. Saying Em's violin was annoying when they were on the bus earlier this week. Em was very upset and crying, etc. As I usually do, I said sorry and I'd talk to my son. Well...according to my son he said he thought that the sound of the school orchestra was annoying vs. the sound of the band. Like "I think the band sounds better than the orchestra. The orchestra sounds annoying." Not targeting Em specifically and just being a bit of a jerk but expressing his opinion (his sister plays the violin and he is NOT a fan. He doesn't do any kind of music). I do not find this a big deal given these kids have literally had 4 weeks of band/orchestra at this point and it's not like being a supreme violin player is a major part of Em's identity. She needs to toughen up and my son wasn't directing it at her anyway.

OP, if you don’t think your son’s comments above could have been specifically intended to upset Emily in that context, you have some serious blinders on.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry but especially in regard to the orchestra/violin story I get the strong sense you might be in denial about your son’s role in teasing this girl.

[Anonymous]

My daughter was targeted for teasing by a friend’s son exactly because she was sensitive. I witnessed one of the incidents personally when he wasn’t aware I was there and I reported exactly what he said to the mom. Of course the other kid denied saying it or claimed he meant something else. That’s what kids do all the time when they are caught doing or saying something they’re not supposed to be doing or saying! Luckily the mom friend didn’t automatically believe her kid, and that’s why our friendship survived even though our kids aren’t friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Today I got a text from her about my son saying that my son had been taunting Em. Saying Em's violin was annoying when they were on the bus earlier this week. Em was very upset and crying, etc. As I usually do, I said sorry and I'd talk to my son. Well...according to my son he said he thought that the sound of the school orchestra was annoying vs. the sound of the band. Like "I think the band sounds better than the orchestra. The orchestra sounds annoying." Not targeting Em specifically and just being a bit of a jerk but expressing his opinion (his sister plays the violin and he is NOT a fan. He doesn't do any kind of music). I do not find this a big deal given these kids have literally had 4 weeks of band/orchestra at this point and it's not like being a supreme violin player is a major part of Em's identity. She needs to toughen up and my son wasn't directing it at her anyway.

OP, if you don’t think your son’s comments above could have been specifically intended to upset Emily in that context, you have some serious blinders on.

This! Although the other mom may be a bit much, your inability to see your son’s problematic behavior is troubling. The excuses are mind-blowing. He did participate in taunting her, but he did not start it. He did say that orchestra is annoying, but it was not directed at her. Clearly, he is part of the gang that bullies/torments the girl. But if every mom takes the position that her child was simply part of the group, then it’s nobody’s fault. Right?! No. Wrong! Have a serious conversation with your child about leaving the girl alone and being nice to her, given that she is his friend’s sister. If he changes his behavior, the friendship will survive. If he continues being a jerk, he will lose a friend.

If it were my child, I would want to have this conversation when he is 10 and not when he is 13 or 16.

[Anonymous]

Whatever happens with the friendship is not in your control. That being said, I’d stop apologizing. You say you don’t think your kid is a problem yet you say you apologize every single time she calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is targeting her and it is hard to have that kid around. The pattern isn't with other families because he is targeting her specifically.

The kids aren't cut out to be friends. Let the friendship die out. But keep an eye on it. I bet more complaints come in since he will continue to target her on the bus.

He really isn't though. I sincerely believe he isn't. She's a super sensitive kid and might FEEL that way but my son maybe has participated in things where she's being teased but hasn't been super involved and the thing with the orchestra wasn't even a conversation WITH her, she just happened to hear it.

Teach your son to not talk about her at all and it won't be misinterpreted. He should be polite but that's it. The twin is probably more sensitive b/c she is jealous of the close relationship your son has with her twin. Or maybe she has a crush on him?

Have the boys play at your house from now on to avoid these types of incidents.