DH works long hours for meager pay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would see a therapist to help process your anger. It sounds frustrating but it’s the way it is for now.

I would also spend a lot of time teaching my kids to clean up and play independently. The clean up will be slow but will pay dividends in the years ahead. Independent play will give you a break.

Workism is a terrible thing and it ruins families. All those eager to claim how much more they have to do work are clueless. What a crappy society!

I’m worried that if I get to a place of acceptance that he will never feel the pressure to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would see a therapist to help process your anger. It sounds frustrating but it’s the way it is for now.

I would also spend a lot of time teaching my kids to clean up and play independently. The clean up will be slow but will pay dividends in the years ahead. Independent play will give you a break.

Workism is a terrible thing and it ruins families. All those eager to claim how much more they have to do work are clueless. What a crappy society!

I’m worried that if I get to a place of acceptance that he will never feel the pressure to change.

You are never going to change him in some significant way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would see a therapist to help process your anger. It sounds frustrating but it’s the way it is for now.

I would also spend a lot of time teaching my kids to clean up and play independently. The clean up will be slow but will pay dividends in the years ahead. Independent play will give you a break.

Workism is a terrible thing and it ruins families. All those eager to claim how much more they have to do work are clueless. What a crappy society!

I’m worried that if I get to a place of acceptance that he will never feel the pressure to change.

You are never going to change him in some significant way.

A new job is all I need right now.

[Anonymous]

What is his career field?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is his career field?

Actually job is writer/editor. Industry (if you can call it that) is foreign policy. I would love for him to look outside this realm, but I’m not going to push overly hard in that direction.

[Anonymous]

I think your DH might have confidence issues that could be helped with a little career coaching or therapy. How you describe it, his reticence to go full steam on finding another job may stem from insecurity. Typically, it doesn't help when a person close to the insecure one is driving the discussion as would help from someone outside of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your DH might have confidence issues that could be helped with a little career coaching or therapy. How you describe it, his reticence to go full steam on finding another job may stem from insecurity. Typically, it doesn't help when a person close to the insecure one is driving the discussion as would help from someone outside of the relationship.

Thank you for this suggestion. I think he may benefit from something like therapy, but he is incredibly closed off. I’m not sure I could convince him to do it (and when would he find the time?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP — you are getting better at articulating the problem as you continue to post. I suggest you continue to hone your thinking before you really sit down with your husband and discuss this.

I agree, there seem to be many issues at play here. The money issue. The work issue. The passive issue. The financial choices made that are making change difficult. The parenting alone issue. I can understand how anger can grow and swirl until one is angry about everything. How the anger keeps one up at night. But maybe write down a long brain dump on every single thing you're pissed about. Then come back to it a day or two later and bullet point it. Then think through, unemotionally as possible, how to talk with the other person about it. A therapist can help a lot with this.

I've had so much anger with my parents in the past few years over many things...financial choices, family secrets, passiveness. I can't "divorce" and they aren't bad people, they just have no ability to initiate a change in any way or talk about important stuff without defensiveness. It's hard because the anger has put a wedge in the relationship on my side. I'm working with a therapist on how to handle it and accept it, it's helped a lot. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

He also needs to network and better understand his industry’s employment options and market pay and hours. There are a ton of white collar jobs out there right now so he needs to get on the horn- networking, resume, headhunters, LinkedIn posts.

And cut back at work. Especially if he’s the only one in his group or teams so overworked and underpaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you lost me completely with 7pm. I actually laughed.

I'm laughing at you. Both my H and I are done by 4:30 pm and we both make over $200K/year and WFH FT.

This is a NP. That was completely cruel and extraordinarily unhelpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your DH might have confidence issues that could be helped with a little career coaching or therapy. How you describe it, his reticence to go full steam on finding another job may stem from insecurity. Typically, it doesn't help when a person close to the insecure one is driving the discussion as would help from someone outside of the relationship.

Thank you for this suggestion. I think he may benefit from something like therapy, but he is incredibly closed off. I’m not sure I could convince him to do it (and when would he find the time?)

Perhaps a telehealth session once a week? If he is that closed off, then he needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is his career field?

Actually job is writer/editor. Industry (if you can call it that) is foreign policy. I would love for him to look outside this realm, but I’m not going to push overly hard in that direction.

So non profit think tank or free lance or teaching/lecturing or if you’re extroverted white books, speak the circuit and be a Fellow somewhere. Either way it’s usually wealthy people type job and path. All those poly sci and Intl relations majors….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG the lack of perspective is mind boggling. $65K is still a respectable salary even for long hours. Tons of families would kill for that salary. You act like he’s unemployed. If he were making more, but still working the same hours what would change? You’d still be frustrated that he wasn’t home when you want him to be.

You cannot be serious with this question! If he made more money they could afford to have take out delivered, hire cleaners, a babysitter or any number of things that would make life easier. Maybe it’s just the mental break to not have to budget strictly to live within their means. This is an extreme example, but I have a friend whose husband works really long hours—BUT he makes big law money. They outsource everything. She has a housekeeper and a handyman who comes to do things like put up Christmas lights and hang picture frames. My friend is very relaxed and happy.

It absolutely makes a difference!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you lost me completely with 7pm. I actually laughed.

I'm laughing at you. Both my H and I are done by 4:30 pm and we both make over $200K/year and WFH FT.

This is a NP. That was completely cruel and extraordinarily unhelpful.

I would say they were both cruel and extraordinarily unhelpful.

[Anonymous]

Ah foreign policy… sounds sexy but there are very few jobs in the field and unless you are a VIP, very low wages. He likely wants to keep his toe in foreign policy because it’s oh so sexy and may feel like he wasted his masters education if he switched fields. Foreign policy is not practical unless you go into government or foreign service. I feel for you, OP.