DH works long hours for meager pay

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day, does your H feel the urgency of the situation? Does he realize how unsustainable it is? Does he even try to push back at his boss and say I'm done at 6?

Or is it the inertia that angers you?

To me, a casual observer, he sounds pretty passive. That would majorly piss me off. He lets himself get exploited at his job, and he's not being aggressive enough to get himself out of a bad situation.

He needs to see all the expenses that need to be paid each month, to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you ramp up and he can go PT or be a SAHD?

I’m kind of topped out where I am and he can’t go PT. We just bought a house, so we can’t take any step back in terms of pay.

It sounds like your frustration isn’t new. Why on Earth did you buy a house?

Because two grown adults + kids in 800 sq ft condo with no outdoor space is only going to work for a year or two (maybe!) more before we would have had to find a bigger place anyway. If I had bought three years ago when I felt similarly constrained, we would have been in a better position than we are now. The housing keeps getting more expensive, I only hope my salary can grow a little (not leaps and bounds) to make this work.

Boo boo an 800 sq ft condo! You may as well have moved to the slums of India! You people are out of touch and more than a little disgusting.

S/he says from her 4000 sq ft house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So so so many unhelpful, stupid responses with no purpose whatsoever than to make PPs feel better about their s** lives and jobs. OP should have slept in a yurt in Rock Creek Park with 2 kids.
OP, what is your H's field? Is he getting interviews but not landing jobs? If he's not getting interviews, I'd hire a resume writer, they are worth their weight in gold. Is he open to other fields where his skills can be utilized? I wanted to suggest the fed, but getting a job there is a bloodbath. Also network network network. His grad school should also provide networking services and alumni lists. I'm a career advisor for my undergrad and I love helping people, as much as I can. He needs to leave the work after 8 hours and concentrate his efforts on finding a new job. Good luck!

Thank you, this is a really helpful suggestion on the resume writer. I have been pushing him to look for federal jobs. He even applied at an agency where we are friends with somebody who works there but he WOULD NOT CONTACT HER. It was maddening. But I will find a resume writer for him ASAP. I would love to know if there are resume people out there that optimize for USAJobs.

To another PP who described him as passive, that is exactly the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So so so many unhelpful, stupid responses with no purpose whatsoever than to make PPs feel better about their s** lives and jobs. OP should have slept in a yurt in Rock Creek Park with 2 kids.
OP, what is your H's field? Is he getting interviews but not landing jobs? If he's not getting interviews, I'd hire a resume writer, they are worth their weight in gold. Is he open to other fields where his skills can be utilized? I wanted to suggest the fed, but getting a job there is a bloodbath. Also network network network. His grad school should also provide networking services and alumni lists. I'm a career advisor for my undergrad and I love helping people, as much as I can. He needs to leave the work after 8 hours and concentrate his efforts on finding a new job. Good luck!

Thank you, this is a really helpful suggestion on the resume writer. I have been pushing him to look for federal jobs. He even applied at an agency where we are friends with somebody who works there but he WOULD NOT CONTACT HER. It was maddening. But I will find a resume writer for him ASAP. I would love to know if there are resume people out there that optimize for USAJobs.

To another PP who described him as passive, that is exactly the problem.

My DH benefitting from a career coach, as he had some confidence issues. I would recommend this - gives him a neutral third party to make the push instead of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you ramp up and he can go PT or be a SAHD?

I’m kind of topped out where I am and he can’t go PT. We just bought a house, so we can’t take any step back in terms of pay.

It sounds like your frustration isn’t new. Why on Earth did you buy a house?

Because two grown adults + kids in 800 sq ft condo with no outdoor space is only going to work for a year or two (maybe!) more before we would have had to find a bigger place anyway. If I had bought three years ago when I felt similarly constrained, we would have been in a better position than we are now. The housing keeps getting more expensive, I only hope my salary can grow a little (not leaps and bounds) to make this work.

Boo boo an 800 sq ft condo! You may as well have moved to the slums of India! You people are out of touch and more than a little disgusting.

S/he says from her 4000 sq ft house.

LOL, I say from my 750 sq ft 2 br that I share with my 4yo and 2yo and DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you ramp up and he can go PT or be a SAHD?

I’m kind of topped out where I am and he can’t go PT. We just bought a house, so we can’t take any step back in terms of pay.

Sounds like you are living beyond your means. You can’t make it work with two kids on $130k? Do you live in Manhattan? We lived on $110k in a desirable DC hood in a nice apartment. Why did you buy a house knowing it would lock him into this job? I just have a hard time having sympathy for people who pretend they are trapped but they have made 1,000 bad choices. You bought a HOUSE, probably have multiple cars, and spend in other ways you shouldn’t and then act like a victim that you don’t get a break. You all make freakin’ $190k/year. That is PLENTY.

Our salaries need to be spread more evenly on the off chance that something happens to either one of our jobs. As for my HOUSE (as you put it) we are talking 1100 sq ft above grade, not some McMansion. We have one car. We take busses and metro to work. I guess my Netflix account is an extravagance to you. We also save for retirement. I’m sure that seems like a bad investment. We should spend every cent we make now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG the lack of perspective is mind boggling. $65K is still a respectable salary even for long hours. Tons of families would kill for that salary. You act like he’s unemployed. If he were making more, but still working the same hours what would change? You’d still be frustrated that he wasn’t home when you want him to be.

You are missing the point. I bet her DH isn't happy in this situation, either. Working that much for that little pay when you have an advanced degree AND and a family is not ideal. If you can do better on hours or pay or both, why wouldn't you???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you ramp up and he can go PT or be a SAHD?

I’m kind of topped out where I am and he can’t go PT. We just bought a house, so we can’t take any step back in terms of pay.

It sounds like your frustration isn’t new. Why on Earth did you buy a house?

Because two grown adults + kids in 800 sq ft condo with no outdoor space is only going to work for a year or two (maybe!) more before we would have had to find a bigger place anyway. If I had bought three years ago when I felt similarly constrained, we would have been in a better position than we are now. The housing keeps getting more expensive, I only hope my salary can grow a little (not leaps and bounds) to make this work.

Boo boo an 800 sq ft condo! You may as well have moved to the slums of India! You people are out of touch and more than a little disgusting.

S/he says from her 4000 sq ft house.

LOL, I say from my 750 sq ft 2 br that I share with my 4yo and 2yo and DH.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a shortage of teachers. What field did your spouse get his masters in?

He wouldn't get paid much more than he makes now as a teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a shortage of teachers. What field did your spouse get his masters in?

He wouldn't get paid much more than he makes now as a teacher.

But better hours & likely summers off. So more time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG the lack of perspective is mind boggling. $65K is still a respectable salary even for long hours. Tons of families would kill for that salary. You act like he’s unemployed. If he were making more, but still working the same hours what would change? You’d still be frustrated that he wasn’t home when you want him to be.

Utter bs. That is a very low salary for someone with a masters around here. Very low. This isn't Idaho Vernice. The people I know who make that little work for churches or retail management. They are low level jobs that really don't require a college degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG the lack of perspective is mind boggling. $65K is still a respectable salary even for long hours. Tons of families would kill for that salary. You act like he’s unemployed. If he were making more, but still working the same hours what would change? You’d still be frustrated that he wasn’t home when you want him to be.

You are missing the point. I bet her DH isn't happy in this situation, either. Working that much for that little pay when you have an advanced degree AND and a family is not ideal. If you can do better on hours or pay or both, why wouldn't you???

OP here. THIS. He knows he’s being taken advantage of, but he only came to this realization more recently than I did. I have been begging him to find something different since I was pregnant.

[Anonymous]

I would see a therapist to help process your anger. It sounds frustrating but it’s the way it is for now.

I would also spend a lot of time teaching my kids to clean up and play independently. The clean up will be slow but will pay dividends in the years ahead. Independent play will give you a break.

Workism is a terrible thing and it ruins families. All those eager to claim how much more they have to do work are clueless. What a crappy society!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:65k with a masters? jfc. In the 90s I was starting new tech hires at that salary at a fed agency. I knew people 20 years ago who made that kind of money but worked easy 9-5 jobs. I would consider divorce if he wouldnt quit.

Him quitting outright puts us in a worse position. I need him to find something new. I wouldn’t even care so much about the money if he was just home for dinner. He could find a job making exactly what he makes now, but if he was able to leave at 5, I wouldn’t even care.

It’s the combination of the pay and the hours that drives me insane.

I hear you op and I agree. That's where I would want to leave him because he isn't home to help. My dh worked insane hours most of our lives and when they were younger it was very hard. We have no family here and I had to deal with all the kid stuff by myself and one kid has disabilities. He's a great father and provider but even he wishes he hadn't pushed so hard at work. He was paid very well for that though. Your dh is willingly being treated like crap and that passivity about it would not be ok. He's hurting his family with this job.

[Anonymous]

OP — you are getting better at articulating the problem as you continue to post. I suggest you continue to hone your thinking before you really sit down with your husband and discuss this.

It sounds like the actual problem is that you have very different personalities. He is accepting of a situation that you see as intolerable. He is never likely to run out and job hunt in the way you would. He may not prioritize either money or family time in the way you do. These are the areas to discuss. And realize that you may not like his answers, but his answers don’t necessarily make him a terrible person. Hopefully, you can come to some reasonable alignment on some of this.