DH works long hours for meager pay

[Anonymous]

His job is not the problem. His himness is the problem for you and will remain, regardless of the job he holds. A person of moderate ambition does not need to be forced into a 'real job.' No reasonable person would accept the work conditions in exchange for the compensation you describe.

No reasonable spouse certain of her need for a full parenting partner would allow this state of affairs to persist this long.

His professional confidence was fatally compromised years ago.

Therapy and a sincere desire on his part to change are your only potential sources of hope. Without both, divorce is inevitable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys really need to have a honest conversation. Put aside your personal pride and stubbornness and acknowledge the bad choices, but not to dwell on them, but to try and fix them or at least change them.

So, is money the issue? Or is it DH being away too much and disconnected?

Not to be skeptical, but does DH have trouble with time mgmt which is why he can't seem to ever finish his work? Or does he use his "work" as an excuse to get out of parenting?

There's a lot more going on here than just Dh's meager pay and your paycheck covering the mortgage, right?

I think of it like this: if he made more and worked the same hours, we could outsource more and spend quality time together. It wouldn’t fix the dinner problem, but it would be easier to swallow. If he made the same amount and worked less, I could be really happy with that.

As far as time management, his boss just piles on the work. He has his daily duties that take all day, and then he get special projects on top of that. Most people stay at this organization for a year, maybe two. He has been there for 10. His boss has all sorts of labor violations, but I won’t even go into that here.

I think what it gets down to is that I am hurt that my feelings aren’t a priority for him. I have been supporting him for years, and he’s not doing anything to change it.

You say your kids ask why their dad doesn't eat dinner with them. And then you say if he made more money that would make it better. Not for the kids, it wouldn't. Just acknowledge that you wish he made more money and you're annoyed that he doesn't. If he worked fewer hours you'd still dislike him. Your disdain for him comes across loud and clear. You don't feel sorry for him. You dislike him. And if he made more money you'd like him better.

So what? I'd dislike someone who puts all household burdens on me, rarely spends time with family, and cannot advocate for himself (or at least for his family) to try to better his career and financial situation...

OP doesn't need to justify to you or anyone else on here. And those of you nitpicking her words for "contradictory" or "disdainful" comments truly suck. Being on the financial margins sucks big time. Yes, maybe the house was too much but, in the end, the house may be the best financial decision (as well as family decision) they have. If they can get by for a few years and stabilize, in this market, this will be the best thing for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you posting from? How can he not find a job at this time? Employers are offering sign-on bonuses, closing bc they don't have staff, you name it.
What industry?

Yes, you both can wallow in your pity party. You deserve to, BUT the important thing is you make a change. Pity parties are only a pit stop. You need to get get moving. Complaing about it doesn't do any good

+1. Yep, vent away, OP, but you created this situation too when you bought a house that didn't give you any financial wiggle room. If you want a different reality, you've got to figure it out together.

I have put off buying a house every year for the last three years. If I had just done it three years ago I would be absolutely comfortable now based on my current salary (because guess who pays the mortgage). At some point you have to pull the trigger, because living in an 800 sq ft condo doesn’t work forever and housing seems to only get more expensive. I’m sure this is where somebody will jump in telling everyone how they live in a 300 sq ft room with no windows, five kids, and two cats.

The point is not to resent him when you signed off on the decision too. I'm not gounh to suggest you live in a 300 sq ft room (though I get your point about how DCUM operates). What I mean to say is that you have to start recognizing your role. It will help you move on together toward better change. I don't know what that will be for you, but blaming him alone is toxic and will lead to divorce.

Re the job applications, you actually could do that for him, but you shouldn't, not just for ethical reasons, but also that it's not fair to you.

Please. Tell me how I’m the problem. This guy would be living in our first apartment 12 years later if I didn’t decide for both of us that we need to move forward with our lives. The only reason he took the job he has now is because I told him I wouldn’t marry him if he didn’t have a real job.

My biggest mistake was having kids with him. That’s where I failed. And don’t worry about getting divorced, because I can’t afford child support payments to him, and I would probably still end with the same responsibilities I have now and less money to handle it all.

Listen to yourself.

Listen to myself that I didn’t want to live in a 500 sq ft apartment in a stabby area for the rest of my life?

Sigh. Listen to yourself that this is all about what YOU want. You decided for both of you what you needed to move forward with your lives? Did you even bother to ask your husband how he felt? What he thought? How he envisioned his future? You decided what your future was going to be and now you're upset that he isn't on the same page as you, when he never wanted to read that book in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's understandable you're frustrated and need to get it out, but OP all this rage and anger over life stuff is not healthy for you, your DH, or your kids.

You're not exactly living in poverty with a close to $200K HHI. Whether you need to adjust your expectations, get a reality check, whatever, just deal with the hand you're dealt.

Like I said above, I just need him to be around. He can either make double what he makes now and work all the time, or he can make what he makes now and f-ing be home and be present in our lives when he’s home.

You just contradicted yourself.

Money = the ability to outsource. I guess I don’t need him around if it’s making bank. But I enjoy his company when he has time to spend with me, so I guess I would prefer that he make what he’s making now, but get home earlier.

I understand. I make money so that I can outsource the things I don't want to do.

But you say one time that you want to spend time with him. Then you say you don't actually care if you see him if he would just make more money. I mean, he's been like this for over a decade and you thought...what? One day he was going to wake up and take a job in big law?

[Anonymous]

OP - I would be frustrated with this situation as well. But as someone earlier noted, you are now angry about EVERYTHING, which isn’t a healthy place to be. First, your husband isn’t going to react well to all this anger. If you can settle down enough to prioritize what you need, you can perhaps have a more productive dialogue with him. But, you also likely need your own therapist to talk this through with. If he does nothing different for the next 20 years, can you really live like this?

I also think your backlash towards posters pointing out that you had a role in some of this isn’t healthy either. You need to own your part in how this all got to this point. If you cannot do that, how can you expect your husband to do so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys really need to have a honest conversation. Put aside your personal pride and stubbornness and acknowledge the bad choices, but not to dwell on them, but to try and fix them or at least change them.

So, is money the issue? Or is it DH being away too much and disconnected?

Not to be skeptical, but does DH have trouble with time mgmt which is why he can't seem to ever finish his work? Or does he use his "work" as an excuse to get out of parenting?

There's a lot more going on here than just Dh's meager pay and your paycheck covering the mortgage, right?

I think of it like this: if he made more and worked the same hours, we could outsource more and spend quality time together. It wouldn’t fix the dinner problem, but it would be easier to swallow. If he made the same amount and worked less, I could be really happy with that.

As far as time management, his boss just piles on the work. He has his daily duties that take all day, and then he get special projects on top of that. Most people stay at this organization for a year, maybe two. He has been there for 10. His boss has all sorts of labor violations, but I won’t even go into that here.

I think what it gets down to is that I am hurt that my feelings aren’t a priority for him. I have been supporting him for years, and he’s not doing anything to change it.

You say your kids ask why their dad doesn't eat dinner with them. And then you say if he made more money that would make it better. Not for the kids, it wouldn't. Just acknowledge that you wish he made more money and you're annoyed that he doesn't. If he worked fewer hours you'd still dislike him. Your disdain for him comes across loud and clear. You don't feel sorry for him. You dislike him. And if he made more money you'd like him better.

So what? I'd dislike someone who puts all household burdens on me, rarely spends time with family, and cannot advocate for himself (or at least for his family) to try to better his career and financial situation...

OP doesn't need to justify to you or anyone else on here. And those of you nitpicking her words for "contradictory" or "disdainful" comments truly suck. Being on the financial margins sucks big time. Yes, maybe the house was too much but, in the end, the house may be the best financial decision (as well as family decision) they have. If they can get by for a few years and stabilize, in this market, this will be the best thing for them.

Not the best financial decision. If they divorce, split any proceeds and whe ends up paying child support monthly for years, the child support could end up putting her in a worse position. It just depends on what happens, but I wouldn't go around telling people that stretching themselves thin on a house is the best financial decision for them. I mean, hopefully it does work out that way, but it would have been far more prudent to figure out the work situation first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I would be frustrated with this situation as well. But as someone earlier noted, you are now angry about EVERYTHING, which isn’t a healthy place to be. First, your husband isn’t going to react well to all this anger. If you can settle down enough to prioritize what you need, you can perhaps have a more productive dialogue with him. But, you also likely need your own therapist to talk this through with. If he does nothing different for the next 20 years, can you really live like this?

I also think your backlash towards posters pointing out that you had a role in some of this isn’t healthy either. You need to own your part in how this all got to this point. If you cannot do that, how can you expect your husband to do so?

+1

[Anonymous]

Multiple kids and a dog is a lot of work.
One kid and no dog would be much easier, just saying

[Anonymous]

Wait also a 500 sq feet apartment?! How did it all even happen?! I mean, plenty of people live in small spaces but they either are from cultures that make do or they don’t add more living beings in the mix... I don’t get it...

[Anonymous]

Oh ok so it’s a 1100 sq feet townhome or something, that’s better... but it takes up all resources... 190k together... doesn’t sound horrible. 7 pm also doesn’t - he can do bedtime and maybe even walk the dog.
Still better than nothing... and better than being a single mom.
I don’t know why I can’t feel
Sorry for someone with $190k income and a house... trying here though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you ramp up and he can go PT or be a SAHD?

I’m kind of topped out where I am and he can’t go PT. We just bought a house, so we can’t take any step back in terms of pay.

Sounds like you are living beyond your means. You can’t make it work with two kids on $130k? Do you live in Manhattan? We lived on $110k in a desirable DC hood in a nice apartment. Why did you buy a house knowing it would lock him into this job? I just have a hard time having sympathy for people who pretend they are trapped but they have made 1,000 bad choices. You bought a HOUSE, probably have multiple cars, and spend in other ways you shouldn’t and then act like a victim that you don’t get a break. You all make freakin’ $190k/year. That is PLENTY.

Our salaries need to be spread more evenly on the off chance that something happens to either one of our jobs. As for my HOUSE (as you put it) we are talking 1100 sq ft above grade, not some McMansion. We have one car. We take busses and metro to work. I guess my Netflix account is an extravagance to you. We also save for retirement. I’m sure that seems like a bad investment. We should spend every cent we make now.

How much did you spend on your home? Not sure why you’re making up excuses now. It’s fine if one partner makes more. Do either of you have a history of getting fired? This seems like extreme caution when the solution lays in front of you. You don’t want a solution. You want to be a martyr.

I’m not going to tell you exactly how much I spent on my home. We are not in a trendy area and it’s not a huge house, it’s not even a single family home, but homes cost what they cost.

What solution lays in front of me? I’m DYING to know.

Well, you can’t go back in time and not buy a house you can’t afford without both your salaries. That was a huge mistake. Your DH could stay home if you made a better financial decision there. As a PP pointed out, 7pm is a reasonable hour for him to do bedtime. If he refuses to leave a job with long hours, he can be “on” for an hour when he gets home too. With close to 200k/year you should have options unless you bought a house you can’t afford.

[Anonymous]

It’s like you doubled-down on this stressful lifestyle by buying a home you can’t afford on 130k/year.

[Anonymous]

OP - are you the one who started the thread in the jobs forum about the editor husband who wasn't earning enough and wasn't looking for a new job?

If so, what's going on with the job search? I see a lot of jobs for remote editors that pay either more or around the same as what he's earning now - is he open to not working in his particular field of interest, and just becoming a regular old editor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - are you the one who started the thread in the jobs forum about the editor husband who wasn't earning enough and wasn't looking for a new job?

If so, what's going on with the job search? I see a lot of jobs for remote editors that pay either more or around the same as what he's earning now - is he open to not working in his particular field of interest, and just becoming a regular old editor?

I have pushed a few jobs his way. What have you seen specifically? Maybe I need to hone my searching skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - are you the one who started the thread in the jobs forum about the editor husband who wasn't earning enough and wasn't looking for a new job?

If so, what's going on with the job search? I see a lot of jobs for remote editors that pay either more or around the same as what he's earning now - is he open to not working in his particular field of interest, and just becoming a regular old editor?

I have pushed a few jobs his way. What have you seen specifically? Maybe I need to hone my searching skills.

Search indeed.com for "remote editor" and see if anything that looks good to him comes up. I'm not actually even looking right now, but I do a search sometimes just to see what's there - there's been a bunch. Check idealist.org, too - search for editor.