DH works long hours for meager pay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live Op? I doubt it's in the DC area.

The DH's job sounds like a DC-area job. Though he's obviously at a smaller nonprofit.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you’re completely reasonable. Sorry if you addressed this earlier, but can you fit in a few sessions of solution focused marriage counseling? Because it seems to me that you are very clear on your needs.

I will say that the fewer hours argument is much stronger than the more money argument, and I would actually abandon the latter. Go with the fewer hours, with the rider that if he wants to change jobs to one with more hours you could see making it work for enough of a salary bump to allow more outsourcing.

But the real issue is the unequal domestic burden, not the financials.

[Anonymous]

Just find your husband a new job. Contact recruiters, update his LinkedIn, tell friends he is looking, send a bunch of job applications out,, get him out of there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since he is having trouble finding a job, honestly I think he should talk to his boss and work 9 to 5, 5 days a week. Seriously, then he would have time to spend with family and look for another job.

His boss run his office like a kingdom and there is (according to my husband) no room for dissent. His boss won’t even do Smart Benefits so that he can get his public transportation pre-tax.

He cannot make your husband work more hours. He can assign him work, and if some of it doesn’t get finished, he can fire your husband if he wants. But he cannot make him work more.

From the sounds of it, your husband would be hard to replace. If he simply refuses to do more than a normal days work, and communicates clearly with his boss about that, I kind of doubt he’ll get fired.

[Anonymous]

Someone else has already asked his but what are his other skills beyond just writing and editing? Does he have technical/stats skills and the ability to do that kind of research? Does he know how to write press releases? Does he understand the business and operations side of publishing and managing people? All of these are skills that could earn him more and help him move up beyond his position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here..in other words does he have experience running the business/operations side of publishing?

I honestly don’t knows, but I doubt it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Can you ramp up and he can go PT or be a SAHD?

I’m kind of topped out where I am and he can’t go PT. We just bought a house, so we can’t take any step back in terms of pay.

Sounds like you are living beyond your means. You can’t make it work with two kids on $130k? Do you live in Manhattan? We lived on $110k in a desirable DC hood in a nice apartment. Why did you buy a house knowing it would lock him into this job? I just have a hard time having sympathy for people who pretend they are trapped but they have made 1,000 bad choices. You bought a HOUSE, probably have multiple cars, and spend in other ways you shouldn’t and then act like a victim that you don’t get a break. You all make freakin’ $190k/year. That is PLENTY.

Our salaries need to be spread more evenly on the off chance that something happens to either one of our jobs. As for my HOUSE (as you put it) we are talking 1100 sq ft above grade, not some McMansion. We have one car. We take busses and metro to work. I guess my Netflix account is an extravagance to you. We also save for retirement. I’m sure that seems like a bad investment. We should spend every cent we make now.

How much did you spend on your home? Not sure why you’re making up excuses now. It’s fine if one partner makes more. Do either of you have a history of getting fired? This seems like extreme caution when the solution lays in front of you. You don’t want a solution. You want to be a martyr.

I’m not going to tell you exactly how much I spent on my home. We are not in a trendy area and it’s not a huge house, it’s not even a single family home, but homes cost what they cost.

What solution lays in front of me? I’m DYING to know.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you posting from? How can he not find a job at this time? Employers are offering sign-on bonuses, closing bc they don't have staff, you name it.
What industry?

Yes, you both can wallow in your pity party. You deserve to, BUT the important thing is you make a change. Pity parties are only a pit stop. You need to get get moving. Complaing about it doesn't do any good

+1. Yep, vent away, OP, but you created this situation too when you bought a house that didn't give you any financial wiggle room. If you want a different reality, you've got to figure it out together.

I have put off buying a house every year for the last three years. If I had just done it three years ago I would be absolutely comfortable now based on my current salary (because guess who pays the mortgage). At some point you have to pull the trigger, because living in an 800 sq ft condo doesn’t work forever and housing seems to only get more expensive. I’m sure this is where somebody will jump in telling everyone how they live in a 300 sq ft room with no windows, five kids, and two cats.

The point is not to resent him when you signed off on the decision too. I'm not gounh to suggest you live in a 300 sq ft room (though I get your point about how DCUM operates). What I mean to say is that you have to start recognizing your role. It will help you move on together toward better change. I don't know what that will be for you, but blaming him alone is toxic and will lead to divorce.

Re the job applications, you actually could do that for him, but you shouldn't, not just for ethical reasons, but also that it's not fair to you.

Please. Tell me how I’m the problem. This guy would be living in our first apartment 12 years later if I didn’t decide for both of us that we need to move forward with our lives. The only reason he took the job he has now is because I told him I wouldn’t marry him if he didn’t have a real job.

My biggest mistake was having kids with him. That’s where I failed. And don’t worry about getting divorced, because I can’t afford child support payments to him, and I would probably still end with the same responsibilities I have now and less money to handle it all.

Listen to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's understandable you're frustrated and need to get it out, but OP all this rage and anger over life stuff is not healthy for you, your DH, or your kids.

You're not exactly living in poverty with a close to $200K HHI. Whether you need to adjust your expectations, get a reality check, whatever, just deal with the hand you're dealt.

Like I said above, I just need him to be around. He can either make double what he makes now and work all the time, or he can make what he makes now and f-ing be home and be present in our lives when he’s home.

You just contradicted yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are you posting from? How can he not find a job at this time? Employers are offering sign-on bonuses, closing bc they don't have staff, you name it.
What industry?

Yes, you both can wallow in your pity party. You deserve to, BUT the important thing is you make a change. Pity parties are only a pit stop. You need to get get moving. Complaing about it doesn't do any good

+1. Yep, vent away, OP, but you created this situation too when you bought a house that didn't give you any financial wiggle room. If you want a different reality, you've got to figure it out together.

I have put off buying a house every year for the last three years. If I had just done it three years ago I would be absolutely comfortable now based on my current salary (because guess who pays the mortgage). At some point you have to pull the trigger, because living in an 800 sq ft condo doesn’t work forever and housing seems to only get more expensive. I’m sure this is where somebody will jump in telling everyone how they live in a 300 sq ft room with no windows, five kids, and two cats.

The point is not to resent him when you signed off on the decision too. I'm not gounh to suggest you live in a 300 sq ft room (though I get your point about how DCUM operates). What I mean to say is that you have to start recognizing your role. It will help you move on together toward better change. I don't know what that will be for you, but blaming him alone is toxic and will lead to divorce.

Re the job applications, you actually could do that for him, but you shouldn't, not just for ethical reasons, but also that it's not fair to you.

Please. Tell me how I’m the problem. This guy would be living in our first apartment 12 years later if I didn’t decide for both of us that we need to move forward with our lives. The only reason he took the job he has now is because I told him I wouldn’t marry him if he didn’t have a real job.

My biggest mistake was having kids with him. That’s where I failed. And don’t worry about getting divorced, because I can’t afford child support payments to him, and I would probably still end with the same responsibilities I have now and less money to handle it all.

Listen to yourself.

Listen to myself that I didn’t want to live in a 500 sq ft apartment in a stabby area for the rest of my life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's understandable you're frustrated and need to get it out, but OP all this rage and anger over life stuff is not healthy for you, your DH, or your kids.

You're not exactly living in poverty with a close to $200K HHI. Whether you need to adjust your expectations, get a reality check, whatever, just deal with the hand you're dealt.

Like I said above, I just need him to be around. He can either make double what he makes now and work all the time, or he can make what he makes now and f-ing be home and be present in our lives when he’s home.

You just contradicted yourself.

Money = the ability to outsource. I guess I don’t need him around if it’s making bank. But I enjoy his company when he has time to spend with me, so I guess I would prefer that he make what he’s making now, but get home earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys really need to have a honest conversation. Put aside your personal pride and stubbornness and acknowledge the bad choices, but not to dwell on them, but to try and fix them or at least change them.

So, is money the issue? Or is it DH being away too much and disconnected?

Not to be skeptical, but does DH have trouble with time mgmt which is why he can't seem to ever finish his work? Or does he use his "work" as an excuse to get out of parenting?

There's a lot more going on here than just Dh's meager pay and your paycheck covering the mortgage, right?

I think of it like this: if he made more and worked the same hours, we could outsource more and spend quality time together. It wouldn’t fix the dinner problem, but it would be easier to swallow. If he made the same amount and worked less, I could be really happy with that.

As far as time management, his boss just piles on the work. He has his daily duties that take all day, and then he get special projects on top of that. Most people stay at this organization for a year, maybe two. He has been there for 10. His boss has all sorts of labor violations, but I won’t even go into that here.

I think what it gets down to is that I am hurt that my feelings aren’t a priority for him. I have been supporting him for years, and he’s not doing anything to change it.

You say your kids ask why their dad doesn't eat dinner with them. And then you say if he made more money that would make it better. Not for the kids, it wouldn't. Just acknowledge that you wish he made more money and you're annoyed that he doesn't. If he worked fewer hours you'd still dislike him. Your disdain for him comes across loud and clear. You don't feel sorry for him. You dislike him. And if he made more money you'd like him better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you lost me completely with 7pm. I actually laughed.

I'm laughing at you. Both my H and I are done by 4:30 pm and we both make over $200K/year and WFH FT.

Oh brother with these idiots. I always marvel at how these dumb AF people swindled someone into paying them for their “talents”. They must be trolls.

NP. My husband and I are the same as the PP. Not a troll. I'm an actual real person living above ground. Sorry you can't fathom that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG the lack of perspective is mind boggling. $65K is still a respectable salary even for long hours. Tons of families would kill for that salary. You act like he’s unemployed. If he were making more, but still working the same hours what would change? You’d still be frustrated that he wasn’t home when you want him to be.

You are missing the point. I bet her DH isn't happy in this situation, either. Working that much for that little pay when you have an advanced degree AND and a family is not ideal. If you can do better on hours or pay or both, why wouldn't you???

OP here. THIS. He knows he’s being taken advantage of, but he only came to this realization more recently than I did. I have been begging him to find something different since I was pregnant.

And then you got pregnant again... You basically barreled ahead with this life plan of yours to have multiple kids and buy a house without acknowledging where you and your husband actually are.

[Anonymous]

Non profits are so hard when you're married and have kids...virtually no support staff, piles of work, demanding supervisors, a lot of regulation, and low salaries.

My DH and I worked virtually the same long hours when I was at a non profit and he was in private industry. He made 3+ times as much money as I did.

Your DH needs a different job.