To those married to a "dumb" spouse

[Anonymous]

A lot of people assume that attractive SAHMs aren’t as smart as their high earning spouses. This is generally untrue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people assume that attractive SAHMs aren’t as smart as their high earning spouses. This is generally untrue.

Literally no one said anything about SAHMs. Weird chip on your shoulder there

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say DH is "dumb." In fact I can point to many ways he's not. But early on in our marriage, I figured out that I am smarter, or maybe "quicker" is a better way to say it. At times it's not really noticeable, and at other times, it is really frustrating.

[Anonymous]

I was always an A student right through my Ivy MBA and my husband was a B student at best. I had 1580 SAT’s and he once told me his were around 1100. So he was the “dumb” spouse. But his street smarts and problem solving skills were off the charts and his leaderships skills were amazing and he ended up being far more successful than me. What’s nice is that after 35 years we both believe the other is smarter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people assume that attractive SAHMs aren’t as smart as their high earning spouses. This is generally untrue.

What about the the unattractive ones ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was always an A student right through my Ivy MBA and my husband was a B student at best. I had 1580 SAT’s and he once told me his were around 1100. So he was the “dumb” spouse. But his street smarts and problem solving skills were off the charts and his leaderships skills were amazing and he ended up being far more successful than me. What’s nice is that after 35 years we both believe the other is smarter.

We've got another Ivy, folks!

[Anonymous]

DH is dumb as a rock, so I let him say whatever the dumb thing is, then carry on with no encouraging feedback. His friends are also dumb and he gets enough validation from them.

[Anonymous]

Lots of foreign service women marry dumb guys. The only way to find a guy willing to subordinate his ambition and career to.yours is to find one who isn't very ambitious. All these women who are like, we are both brilliant and accomplished - how do you decide who takes the hit career wise to make all the family stuff work?.something's gotta give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of foreign service women marry dumb guys. The only way to find a guy willing to subordinate his ambition and career to.yours is to find one who isn't very ambitious. All these women who are like, we are both brilliant and accomplished - how do you decide who takes the hit career wise to make all the family stuff work?.something's gotta give.

I don’t fit the foreign service statement, but this was actually a trade off I knew I was making. I am accomplished and have a great career and projection. DH is a bartender. He was enjoying working days before kids, now he works nights so we don’t have to worry about childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my wife and have been happily married to her for 20+ years, but the truth is she's dumb as a rock. I try to focus on her good qualities (very pretty, sense of humor, fashion sense, etc.) and it helps me to appreciate her for what she is. When I want to have some sort of intellectually stimulating experience, I either read a book or watch a documentary (without her).

+1 except my situation is being married 18 years and her good qualities include not driving me crazy and in gemeral keeps a simple non-complicated life so home life is harmonious.

NP. Interesting perspective. Sounds like both of you are happy. How do you envision your life when you are retired? Would you have anytime at all where you engage each other in discussions or go to events after which you could have interesting discussions? Sounds like it's not important to you both and you would rather have a wife who is pretty/fashion sense who makes your life easier rather than someone who can challenge you more intellectually. Sort of an interesting perspective to me and maybe it's common but I don't see it in my circles as often (not to say I don't see it at all but not too frequently).

[Anonymous]

I’m curious what would make someone think someone else is “dumb as a rock”. Specific examples are needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my wife and have been happily married to her for 20+ years, but the truth is she's dumb as a rock. I try to focus on her good qualities (very pretty, sense of humor, fashion sense, etc.) and it helps me to appreciate her for what she is. When I want to have some sort of intellectually stimulating experience, I either read a book or watch a documentary (without her).

I have observed over the years that quite a few men are in this type of a relationship and it doesn't bother them at all. As you mentioned, their wives are typically pretty and have other qualities they appreciate like a good sense of humor, they are kind, they may have a lovely personality. Many men don't value intelligence in a spouse, or ambition and competency either. I think the dynamic the OP is referring to is generally more of a dilemma for women than men.

Agree. For women, it’s more of a question of finding a spouse that doesn’t mind that they’re smart. My DH told me that one of his friends asked him “Are you sure you want to marry her? You’re not going to get away with anything.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a sad and pathetic thread.

We value intelligence which is coupled with wit in my family. Perhaps, since everyone down the line is good looking thee was never a beauty vs brains vs athleticism decision in mates.

We were able to get the entire package. Who wants a dumb spouse that can’t challenge them or excite them mentally as well as physically?? That’s so boring. What do you even talk about? I think that’s why there are so many unhappily married people out there.

I wanted good looking, smart, healthy, athletic kids. Why settle for one of those categories in a mate?

It’s self selecting I suppose. Some men can’t get it all so they get a pretty dumb one that will marry them for $ and when they get bored they cheat on her with a work colleague that stimulates them in and out if the bedroom. They develop contempt as their spouse loses the only thing they had over time, their youthful looks.

I do have to say that I have found the stereotype that men marry young, dumb women as “trophy wives” to be a myth. The second wives I know tend to be younger, but are usually smart and more professionally accomplished than the first wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar situation over here, with an Aspie twist (or whatever the heck he has). My husband with multiple terminal degrees thinks he's smarter than everyone else, including me, and lets me know this pointedly whenever he's upset (which these days is pretty often).

The weird thing is, despite great intelligence and vast knowledge in his multiple topics of expertise... he doesn't have a lot of common sense. He's particularly bad at social communication, psychology, understanding people's motivations, etc, and has no empathy whatsoever when his interests get in the way. The worse is that he thinks he's so good at it, and doesn't seem to realize that he doesn't understand people at all, has been let go from several posts over the years, and has no friends - our friends are actually my friends, who tolerate him more or less good-naturedly. It all seems suspiciously like some variety of high-functioning autism. Not that knowing would do any good. It's been suggested to him many times, and he has a viscerally negative reaction any time it comes up.

FIL a little like this, but does listen sometimes.

Husband and I are a mix - he’s more book smart, I’m more common sense smart. It works.

[Anonymous]

It can be very irritating, but you remind yourself how great their personality is, and how much more annoying marrying yourself would be. Think yin/yang.