To those married to a "dumb" spouse

[Anonymous]

This is not meant to be a mean thread. But, many of us do not always marry our mental equal. Nothing wrong with that! However, at times (or often) it can become irritating being with a spouse who is not as smart or educated as you are. I am not referring to textbook smart or experienced in a specific field. Certain people don't have common sense or good rational thinking.

If your spouse is like this, how do you handle it? Do you correct them? Do you let it go? Over the years my spouse will say things or make statements which are 100% incorrect. If I try to correct it we get into an argument. In the last couple years I just ignore it and don't say anything. What do you do? How do you cope?

Again, this is NOT meant to be a mean thread. I am curious what spouses do.

[Anonymous]

Not being mean, but has your spouse always been this way? If not I'd worry it was the onset of something like dementia or Parkinson's.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I try to mostly ignore it. My kids at 10 and 8 also see it, but my dh is extremely hardworking, kind, and involved in his kids lives. He is also successful in his own right.

[Anonymous]

I love my wife and have been happily married to her for 20+ years, but the truth is she's dumb as a rock. I try to focus on her good qualities (very pretty, sense of humor, fashion sense, etc.) and it helps me to appreciate her for what she is. When I want to have some sort of intellectually stimulating experience, I either read a book or watch a documentary (without her).

[Anonymous]

It’s difficult, no common sense, tons of accidents and tons of lying to cover them up. It’s hereditary and aspergers. I don’t know if the marriage will survive, but I also don’t know if my kids will be properly taken care if with said spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my wife and have been happily married to her for 20+ years, but the truth is she's dumb as a rock. I try to focus on her good qualities (very pretty, sense of humor, fashion sense, etc.) and it helps me to appreciate her for what she is. When I want to have some sort of intellectually stimulating experience, I either read a book or watch a documentary (without her).

+1 except my situation is being married 18 years and her good qualities include not driving me crazy and in gemeral keeps a simple non-complicated life so home life is harmonious.

[Anonymous]

My FIL has chosen a not-very-bright partner. It’s painful to watch. He seems to alternate between condescending and lecturing or dropping down to her level. She has some bizarre beliefs and opinions, maybe because she doesn’t have the horsepower for really digging deep on science-related issues? I actually get along with her really well, but i don’t understand their dynamic at all. It seems like it would be frustrating for both of them.

[Anonymous]

Similar situation over here, with an Aspie twist (or whatever the heck he has). My husband with multiple terminal degrees thinks he's smarter than everyone else, including me, and lets me know this pointedly whenever he's upset (which these days is pretty often).

The weird thing is, despite great intelligence and vast knowledge in his multiple topics of expertise... he doesn't have a lot of common sense. He's particularly bad at social communication, psychology, understanding people's motivations, etc, and has no empathy whatsoever when his interests get in the way. The worse is that he thinks he's so good at it, and doesn't seem to realize that he doesn't understand people at all, has been let go from several posts over the years, and has no friends - our friends are actually my friends, who tolerate him more or less good-naturedly. It all seems suspiciously like some variety of high-functioning autism. Not that knowing would do any good. It's been suggested to him many times, and he has a viscerally negative reaction any time it comes up.

[Anonymous]

^ oh, and he tends not to listen to other people. So I will careful explain something, then 5 minutes later it becomes apparent that he misunderstood, which suddenly becomes my fault because I didn't explain correctly... while my kids back me up and can re-explain exactly what I just told him. Of course he expects everyone to listen to him, and gets upset when we ask him to repeat something. It's mind-blowing, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my wife and have been happily married to her for 20+ years, but the truth is she's dumb as a rock. I try to focus on her good qualities (very pretty, sense of humor, fashion sense, etc.) and it helps me to appreciate her for what she is. When I want to have some sort of intellectually stimulating experience, I either read a book or watch a documentary (without her).

I have observed over the years that quite a few men are in this type of a relationship and it doesn't bother them at all. As you mentioned, their wives are typically pretty and have other qualities they appreciate like a good sense of humor, they are kind, they may have a lovely personality. Many men don't value intelligence in a spouse, or ambition and competency either. I think the dynamic the OP is referring to is generally more of a dilemma for women than men.

[Anonymous]

This would be a complete nonstarter for me. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone if I didn't think they were smart, ethical, funny and attractive. Very odd compromises some of you have made.

[Anonymous]

My husband wasn't exactly dumb but he emerged over the years to be not as smart as me in some kind of important ways. For instance, he never read books. Not sure how that one got past me before I married him but it turned out to be frustrating for me. He also did not appear to have any political opinions and yet years later he turned into a conservative republican. That was a big issue.

We are no longer married so none of it matters now. I will say he was very smart and capable in certain areas and was basically a good husband, provider and father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I try to mostly ignore it. My kids at 10 and 8 also see it, but my dh is extremely hardworking, kind, and involved in his kids lives. He is also successful in his own right.

This is us almost exactly.

It’s hard at times but I try to ignore and focus on his positive qualities. I also have to independently fill that bucket - connect with my nerd friends, read a book, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would be a complete nonstarter for me. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone if I didn't think they were smart, ethical, funny and attractive. Very odd compromises some of you have made.

My DH is all of those things. But, in the “smart” department, he’s more street smart than book smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not being mean, but has your spouse always been this way? If not I'd worry it was the onset of something like dementia or Parkinson's.

+1