Tell me about your spouse’s limerent affair…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP I have tried to work things out. Listened with sympathy and empathy. Obtained resources for him - counseling, books. Suggested he take a solo trip to clear his mind. Took care of him when he got sick recently. He’s literally in love with her and has feelings of love for me. What do you do when your DH has given his heart away? I am trying to figure that out.

Does he have any close friends, who are healthier and also married who he could talk to? Friends who could say, what are you doing? And yet listen to his struggle and be there for him while talking reality and the fact that they too have had struggles in marriage. It does not mean you have to act on your crush..

No guy is going to tell his guy friend "yeah I have a huge crush on this woman who is not my wife but nothing physical is happening" - his friend will laugh at him for being an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to build on what the psychologist poster said earlier in this thread. The limerence situation is more than a crush. With a crush you think someone is cute and interesting and you’d love to hang out with them. The limerence situation is triggered by some very deep emotional need that (1) has not previously been fulfilled and in fact may have seemed hopelessly impossible before the new person came along, and (2) the new person triggered it such that the limerent person is now filled with incredible vigor and hope for the future - that all the wrongs of the past will be vindicated and the past suffering will have been worth it to have the promise of this new found love that will wholly fulfill that deep seated longing and need.

The key to extricating yourself from this is to trace back what triggered these seemingly irrationally strong feelings. Without going into all the background, for me i was triggered by someone describing a performance that they’d seen as “alluring.” I’d never really heard a man use a term like that. He spoke in this gentle way that was much kinder than I experienced with my abusive and emotionally cold husband. Not to mention - my emotionally cold mother. Yep, recipe for disaster. I played up wanting more of that type of discussion. I imagined what it would be like to be with a warm, nurturing man who could see beauty in the arts and found others (maybe me?) alluring. Nothing physical at all happened between us. But it was my background plus his inadvertent trigger that caused the fantastical, escapist thinking to commence. When I look back I’m sad for how lonely I was back then. Fortunately I realized where it went wrong and took steps to address this loneliness in more appropriate ways.

This is really helpful, PP. Makes sense that it's based on a trigger and a fantasy of having something you could never have. Smart of you to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice to you is: do not file for divorce. Do not separate. Let him know how much he has hurt and is hurting you. Remind him that he loves his children and what the long term effects of this will be on them. If you have daughters, as him if he wants them to end up as other women vs have healthy marriages as adults. Remind him that it is never between just the parents and the children sense what’s amiss and it affects their development. Remind him that the OW by definition has low self esteem and is putting up a brave front to lure him away; and that she is much more damaged now as a result of being an AP that she was when he made her one. But don’t talk about her too much. Focus on what this will do to your life, that he swore to protect; to his professional reputation; to his integrity, and to your kids.

Thank you. 7:16 again. I don't know what to do - I don't want to be a fool. I don't want to end things quickly but seeing my DH cry for me and cry for her is disturbing. I don't think I'll ever have his full loyalty and trust. I fear he will always miss her and long for her, and that if he stays with me, it's just for financial stability and the kids.

The only thing that got my husband out of his limerent EA is me saying it's her or me. I told him I wanted no part of a relationship where he was involved romantically (physical or non-physical) with someone else. This was someone in our small town which we had a very high chance of running into so even if he cut off contact, he could run into her at an event, the grocery store etc. I set the boundary that he could not have a one on one conversation with her ever again. If you give this ultimatum, you have to be willing to follow through.

It took a bit of time, but he chose me. 10 years later, he's done a complete turn around and fortunately, the OW moved to another state.

I did the same...me or her. "I don't want you to ever talk to her again, if you do or even see her I want to know about it, I will leave, it's not a threat, you need to go back to therapy." It took time, the first year was very hard, ptsd for me. He ended it right away and we are, now 5 years later, much closer and actually much better. He was lonely and I was unavailable at that time due to work, not that it is an excuse at all. These things happen....probably a lot more than we realize.. They do hold on for awhile, of course their feelings linger. But sometimes they come back and I know intuitively he is now all in with me and our family, for the good and the bad, because I felt what it was like when he was not and it's night and day. The darkest moments were of course fearing he still thought of her and cared for her...I am sure he did. He still may, who knows? But it was a long time ago and I said out loud a lot of all of these fears, accepting thete is no future guarantee for anyone but the passage of time and rebuilding in the present together really did make him fall in love again, with me. He is a better husband but moreso, a better person than he was before. They can grow and be better, if they feel genuine remorse for hurting you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Limerance is what we therapists clinically can refer to as "an altered mental state." In layman's terms...You're "out of your mind" basically, (in all due respect!) not thinking realistically, engaging in escapist fantasies to distract you from deeper problems in you and/or your marriage and yet you typically are not very aware of why you might be doing it. And you are not thinking clearly about consequences.

This describes XW's "limerant" affair, which in my opinion was at the level of a mental disorder. Far as I know it was never physical. Indeed, far as I know she did not actually ever talk to the guy about her feelings. She spent all her time obsessing over this guy, and stopped putting any effort into her relationship with me or the kids. To the extent she paid attention to me at all, it was with contempt and indifference. I think she is still limmering on this guy, years after the divorce. She puts just about zero effort into parenting. I do literally everything.

If it is this intense, there is no coming back from it.

How did they meet? It’s unusual that it would go that far if they had no real world relationship. It sounds like they must have.

They worked in the same building. He is a senior executive. She eventually quit the company. It was basically like these women with delusional disorder who imagine a celebrity is secretly in love with them. Their "real world" relationship consisted of riding in the elevator or passing each other in the lobby from time to time. Yet she was, and maybe still is, convinced they were soul mates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP I have tried to work things out. Listened with sympathy and empathy. Obtained resources for him - counseling, books. Suggested he take a solo trip to clear his mind. Took care of him when he got sick recently. He’s literally in love with her and has feelings of love for me. What do you do when your DH has given his heart away? I am trying to figure that out.

Does he have any close friends, who are healthier and also married who he could talk to? Friends who could say, what are you doing? And yet listen to his struggle and be there for him while talking reality and the fact that they too have had struggles in marriage. It does not mean you have to act on your crush..

No guy is going to tell his guy friend "yeah I have a huge crush on this woman who is not my wife but nothing physical is happening" - his friend will laugh at him for being an idiot.

Again...we are really talking about more than a "crush." Some men actually can talk to each other about deep hard things...after my husband's emotional affair came to light his best friend said simply "why didn't you talk to me?". They did eventually talk more about it...and it helped my spouse enormously. He's still a good friend. I guess if your friends would laugh at you or they are fing around themselves then you're right, you should probably pass on talking to your guy friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Limerance is what we therapists clinically can refer to as "an altered mental state." In layman's terms...You're "out of your mind" basically, (in all due respect!) not thinking realistically, engaging in escapist fantasies to distract you from deeper problems in you and/or your marriage and yet you typically are not very aware of why you might be doing it. And you are not thinking clearly about consequences.

This describes XW's "limerant" affair, which in my opinion was at the level of a mental disorder. Far as I know it was never physical. Indeed, far as I know she did not actually ever talk to the guy about her feelings. She spent all her time obsessing over this guy, and stopped putting any effort into her relationship with me or the kids. To the extent she paid attention to me at all, it was with contempt and indifference. I think she is still limmering on this guy, years after the divorce. She puts just about zero effort into parenting. I do literally everything.

If it is this intense, there is no coming back from it.

How did they meet? It’s unusual that it would go that far if they had no real world relationship. It sounds like they must have.

They worked in the same building. He is a senior executive. She eventually quit the company. It was basically like these women with delusional disorder who imagine a celebrity is secretly in love with them. Their "real world" relationship consisted of riding in the elevator or passing each other in the lobby from time to time. Yet she was, and maybe still is, convinced they were soul mates.

Devastating and deeply sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Limerence? It’s a brief and passing crush and if you don’t act on it no problem.

No. I did my homework and read the entire Wikipedia article. Limerence usually last from 18 months to 3 years, I wouldn't call it a brief crush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you stay in the marriage? Did you leave? When did the affair end (or did it not)?

Op, big hugs. I followed you here and I think you are also on another forum for infidelity. Unfortunately I believe your wife is done. Please take care of yourself and your kids. Talk to a lawyer. Focus on yourself now, make plans and follow through them. Sending you positive thoughts here and I’m rooting for you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about limerance, but my spouse had a limerick affair.

There once was a spouse who was horny
It led to problems very thorny
Wedding vows they broke
Hurt multiple folk
Now multiple lives are all torn-y.

Oh man, this made me laugh. Brilliant. Sorry, OP, I know it’s not a laughing matter for you.

+1 that was awesome ^ PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Limerance is what we therapists clinically can refer to as "an altered mental state." In layman's terms...You're "out of your mind" basically, (in all due respect!) not thinking realistically, engaging in escapist fantasies to distract you from deeper problems in you and/or your marriage and yet you typically are not very aware of why you might be doing it. And you are not thinking clearly about consequences.

This describes XW's "limerant" affair, which in my opinion was at the level of a mental disorder. Far as I know it was never physical. Indeed, far as I know she did not actually ever talk to the guy about her feelings. She spent all her time obsessing over this guy, and stopped putting any effort into her relationship with me or the kids. To the extent she paid attention to me at all, it was with contempt and indifference. I think she is still limmering on this guy, years after the divorce. She puts just about zero effort into parenting. I do literally everything.

If it is this intense, there is no coming back from it.

How did they meet? It’s unusual that it would go that far if they had no real world relationship. It sounds like they must have.

They worked in the same building. He is a senior executive. She eventually quit the company. It was basically like these women with delusional disorder who imagine a celebrity is secretly in love with them. Their "real world" relationship consisted of riding in the elevator or passing each other in the lobby from time to time. Yet she was, and maybe still is, convinced they were soul mates.

Devastating and deeply sad.

And pretty disturbing, to boot. Wow. I only thought hormonal teenagers did that sort of thing with the likes of Justin Beeber, not married, with children, women crushing on a dude in a corner office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Limerance is what we therapists clinically can refer to as "an altered mental state." In layman's terms...You're "out of your mind" basically, (in all due respect!) not thinking realistically, engaging in escapist fantasies to distract you from deeper problems in you and/or your marriage and yet you typically are not very aware of why you might be doing it. And you are not thinking clearly about consequences.

This describes XW's "limerant" affair, which in my opinion was at the level of a mental disorder. Far as I know it was never physical. Indeed, far as I know she did not actually ever talk to the guy about her feelings. She spent all her time obsessing over this guy, and stopped putting any effort into her relationship with me or the kids. To the extent she paid attention to me at all, it was with contempt and indifference. I think she is still limmering on this guy, years after the divorce. She puts just about zero effort into parenting. I do literally everything.

If it is this intense, there is no coming back from it.

How did they meet? It’s unusual that it would go that far if they had no real world relationship. It sounds like they must have.

They worked in the same building. He is a senior executive. She eventually quit the company. It was basically like these women with delusional disorder who imagine a celebrity is secretly in love with them. Their "real world" relationship consisted of riding in the elevator or passing each other in the lobby from time to time. Yet she was, and maybe still is, convinced they were soul mates.

It's like the scenario in the movie Joker where his mother was convinced that Mr Wayne was in love with her and the Joker was their secret love child.

Wow, I didn't realize that kind of delusional could be so real.

[Anonymous]

It is amazing how people in the throes of limerance are in such denial about anyone finding out....down the road if it goes too far, a LOT of freaking people find out. Families of the hurt spouse (siblings, cousins), friends, acquaintances, people in the town who you don't even know but who heard the gory details second or third hand through a mutual acquaintance, people who saw you out together and detected the sexual charge.. It's really something. What can internally feel very private is often very visible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Limerance is what we therapists clinically can refer to as "an altered mental state." In layman's terms...You're "out of your mind" basically, (in all due respect!) not thinking realistically, engaging in escapist fantasies to distract you from deeper problems in you and/or your marriage and yet you typically are not very aware of why you might be doing it. And you are not thinking clearly about consequences.

This describes XW's "limerant" affair, which in my opinion was at the level of a mental disorder. Far as I know it was never physical. Indeed, far as I know she did not actually ever talk to the guy about her feelings. She spent all her time obsessing over this guy, and stopped putting any effort into her relationship with me or the kids. To the extent she paid attention to me at all, it was with contempt and indifference. I think she is still limmering on this guy, years after the divorce. She puts just about zero effort into parenting. I do literally everything.

If it is this intense, there is no coming back from it.

How did they meet? It’s unusual that it would go that far if they had no real world relationship. It sounds like they must have.

They worked in the same building. He is a senior executive. She eventually quit the company. It was basically like these women with delusional disorder who imagine a celebrity is secretly in love with them. Their "real world" relationship consisted of riding in the elevator or passing each other in the lobby from time to time. Yet she was, and maybe still is, convinced they were soul mates.

Devastating and deeply sad.

I don’t understand how something so slight could rise to the level of disruption. There was either more going on than you know, or she is bonkers, but either way I don’t think this is what people are referring to here. They are talking about balls out passionate affairs that suck someone away.

[Anonymous]

The mind is powerful, people can even imagine they are pregnant when they aren’t. But this isn’t what people are referring to when they talk about real life changing affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Limerance is what we therapists clinically can refer to as "an altered mental state." In layman's terms...You're "out of your mind" basically, (in all due respect!) not thinking realistically, engaging in escapist fantasies to distract you from deeper problems in you and/or your marriage and yet you typically are not very aware of why you might be doing it. And you are not thinking clearly about consequences.

This describes XW's "limerant" affair, which in my opinion was at the level of a mental disorder. Far as I know it was never physical. Indeed, far as I know she did not actually ever talk to the guy about her feelings. She spent all her time obsessing over this guy, and stopped putting any effort into her relationship with me or the kids. To the extent she paid attention to me at all, it was with contempt and indifference. I think she is still limmering on this guy, years after the divorce. She puts just about zero effort into parenting. I do literally everything.

If it is this intense, there is no coming back from it.

How did they meet? It’s unusual that it would go that far if they had no real world relationship. It sounds like they must have.

They worked in the same building. He is a senior executive. She eventually quit the company. It was basically like these women with delusional disorder who imagine a celebrity is secretly in love with them. Their "real world" relationship consisted of riding in the elevator or passing each other in the lobby from time to time. Yet she was, and maybe still is, convinced they were soul mates.

Devastating and deeply sad.

I don’t understand how something so slight could rise to the level of disruption. There was either more going on than you know, or she is bonkers, but either way I don’t think this is what people are referring to here. They are talking about balls out passionate affairs that suck someone away.

Limerence is "a state of infatuation or obsession with another person that involves an all-consuming passion and intrusive thoughts." That's what she had. It really didn't matter that the object of the all-consuming passion and intrusive thoughts was totally unaware of it. Her obsession sucked her away and she never came back.

Understanding that she was mentally ill and was never going to get over it helped me come to terms with the divorce.