Reply to When your spouse loves you, but is in love with someone else

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]He's married to you. She just got married. Exes are allowed to talk. You do need to have a series of conversations with him and quality therapy is useful,  but know these two will always have a special place for each other in their hearts.[b] All of us married folk have the one (or two) who got away, and sure, we might think, what if.[/b] But he's building a life with *you* and he ultimately didn't choose her, so try not to feel so insecure. Many of my male fiends have told me my husband is lucky to have me. My girlfriends have also told me I'm lucky to have my husband. It's a compliment you shouldn't read into too much. Finally, he showed you the messages, please consider how hard all this is on him too.[/quote]

Ummm. No we all don't.  I have nobody that I love more than my husband of 23 years, and do not reminisce or wonder about any past boyfriends.  We saw my husband's ex-first love at the 20-year high school reunion and she was on her 4th baby daddy and in the process of moving out from the last one.  4 kids- 4 different men.  Yeah, no love left there.

I didn't have 'messy' or hateful breakups with my 2 serious relationships before meeting my husband, but I have zero longing for them.  I did not keep in touch.  I was not in love of them when it ended and, feeling what I did when I met my spouse---I never was truly in love with those guys.  It was overpowering, the 'you know' fireworks from first meeting with my husband.[/quote]

I didn't say "love more than," nor did I mention anything messy or hateful. Ok, perhaps you don't have a past other than with your husband, or you stopped caring for your exes. Congratulations. I love my husband very much, and I don't regret anything. But breaking up with my exes didn't suddenly make them into people I don't know, didn't spend time with, or didn't care about. We just decided it wasn't meant to be forever. This instinct to go around yelling MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE is what's most threatening to the institution of marriage. Yes, yes, they're yours, you're theirs, for better or for worse; it doesn't mean they're and you're still not a living, breathing, hormonal person.  The husband in this scenario is holding up his end of the bargain as far as I can tell. OP is freaking out and likely making the situation worse.[/quote]

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