Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband

[Anonymous]

Married eight years. Together 10. When we started our relationship I was the one with the very high sex drive. He was less so, but within a normal range.

Very shortly after we got married he became ill and withdrew from all physical contact. He wouldn't even touch or kiss-- said it made his heart rate go up and that would trigger an attack. I grew to believe it was all psychosomatic. He could go to work but not touch me. We eventually fought about it and I lost. No sex for me.

It was devastating and I felt very rejected and also like our life had been a bait and switch.

This went on for two years. He eventually got better and we had intervals of ok sex but I was never ready to be vulnerable -- to really want it.

Since then he's been depressed or sick at intervals and drops out of wanting sex. I have hobbies, friends, work, parenting, and other ways to be fulfilled (I'm a mighty good masterbator and I never reject myself) so I'm resigned to it.

The thing is, now my husband is in a phase when he's ready for sex and he's frustrated that I haven't wanted to in a very long time. He has let himself go and does a whole lot of things to turn me off, but mostly I just spent years training myself out of needing sex with him. The thought of having sex turns my stomach. I'd like to be nice and take one for the team but it sickens me to consider it.

I would be fine if he had sex with someone else but am afraid to offer. He'd take it as one more reason to be depressed.

Was thinking I should maybe get drunk and let him go for it but I keep chickening out.

We can't afford to divorce. He was laid off (the other kind) and has not been looking actively enough. He's actually a good parent, though during his illness he did not do a single thing.

[Anonymous]

OP- I can't afford therapy. He's laid off. Therapy isn't covered in my health plan.

[Anonymous]

Is there any other kind of intimacy between the two of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any other kind of intimacy between the two of you?

We have deep, frank conversations about things we care about. We work well together dealing with things like sick relatives and the kids' emotional development.

It's really just the sex. I can't get myself to want it. I feel repulsed by him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there any other kind of intimacy between the two of you?

We have deep, frank conversations about things we care about. We work well together dealing with things like sick relatives and the kids' emotional development.

It's really just the sex. I can't get myself to want it. I feel repulsed by him.

So do good friends and siblings.

My heart broke for you reading your OP. I know there is nothing you can do about it now but if this happened a couple of years into your marriage why did you stay? Sex and intimacy are integral to a healthy marriage and its important to an individuals health. You can always be his friend and co-parent.

Don't stay in a miserable situation any longer than you need to. Life is the longest thing you will ever do and you will only do it once. Is this what you want out of it?

[Anonymous]

^^OP here. I initially stayed because I wouldn't walk out on a sick person, I was still in love, and I still hoped he'd get better and want me again, which he eventually did. My trust and optimism was shot by then.

We can't afford to divorce and have two households, and we're coparenting very well. No reason to make my child miserable.

We don't argue much and we do keep a fun and supportive atmosphere.

After being courted and pursued by my husband, agreeing to marry, getting excited about it, falling deeply in love, and then getting dropped on my head by him, I am not capable of falling for someone again. If he died tomorrow (I'd be sad- he's a good guy I care about) I would never marry or even cohabitate again.

It's such a weird situation to be in. I loved sex. More than he did. He took that away and now he wants to have sex with the body he once rejected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^OP here. I initially stayed because I wouldn't walk out on a sick person, I was still in love, and I still hoped he'd get better and want me again, which he eventually did. My trust and optimism was shot by then.

We can't afford to divorce and have two households, and we're coparenting very well. No reason to make my child miserable.

We don't argue much and we do keep a fun and supportive atmosphere.

After being courted and pursued by my husband, agreeing to marry, getting excited about it, falling deeply in love, and then getting dropped on my head by him, I am not capable of falling for someone again. If he died tomorrow (I'd be sad- he's a good guy I care about) I would never marry or even cohabitate again.

It's such a weird situation to be in. I loved sex. More than he did. He took that away and now he wants to have sex with the body he once rejected.

Most widow/ers say that and yet they fall in love and marry again.

If you won't leave maybe ask for an open marriage.

[Anonymous]

I don't need an open marriage. I'm not interested in having another partner. I'd be comfortable if he wanted it but I think he'd be furious if I offered it.

[Anonymous]

So what do you need to be able to have sex with him again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^OP here. I initially stayed because I wouldn't walk out on a sick person, I was still in love, and I still hoped he'd get better and want me again, which he eventually did. My trust and optimism was shot by then.

We can't afford to divorce and have two households, and we're coparenting very well. No reason to make my child miserable.

We don't argue much and we do keep a fun and supportive atmosphere.

After being courted and pursued by my husband, agreeing to marry, getting excited about it, falling deeply in love, and then getting dropped on my head by him, I am not capable of falling for someone again. If he died tomorrow (I'd be sad- he's a good guy I care about) I would never marry or even cohabitate again.

It's such a weird situation to be in. I loved sex. More than he did. He took that away and now he wants to have sex with the body he once rejected.

I know it feels that way. But that's not the reality.

[Anonymous]

Do you want to reprogram yourself? It's possible. You have shut down a part of yourself so you could cope, and it was painful. You still sound very pained, even though you make the best of it.

Are you willing to take the chance on getting hurt again if he has another health issue and shuts you out again?

You sound like you have many valid reasons to have built up a lot of resentment towards him. Resentment is deadly for an intimate relationship, though.

I don't know if there's any hope unless the two of you are able to get that out in the open, and both be willing to have understanding and acceptance for each other's feelings and perspective.

Then you have to see if you can come up with ways to release your resentment. Ask yourself, what does he have to do to make it up to you and rebuild this side of things? Would he even be willing?

Was he ever a giving person? Why couldn't he do things to please you that didn't involve his heart rate, if you know what I mean? Why deny you just because of his health issue?

It's not that he's obligated to do anything, but you both need to acknowledge that what you've gone through has had a negative effect on you.

You've given him a lot of power, as you say, as he took away sex for you, which was something you had loved. Did you ever wonder why he did that, really? Are all of these things really power/control moves on his part? He can deny it or he can pressure for it, but you haven't mentioned him caring about your needs. Maybe your gut tells you this is another power play. I can see why you wouldn't want to give that power to him.

I've gone through something like this, in terms of having my ability to want sex with someone be killed off, and then trying to find a way to let go of the negative feelings associated so I could enjoy it again. This is a tough spot to be in, because your gut is right, and to protect yourself, you shouldn't get involved with him sexually again unless you can handle the strong possibility you'll get hurt again.

One thing I had success with was to own my sexuality, and say, hey I love sex and I deserve to have it in my life. Now it's on my partner to prove he will do whatever it takes to please me, and I will also take responsibility for my own happiness and pleasure. In a positive and empowered sense, I'll "use" him, accept what he offers, and if I don't like it enough, I won't let him run the show. I'll please myself. Because we can live a long life, and if we like sex, we should find a way to have it for as long as we can, until we're withered and sex makes us break a hip and we just want to take naps.

[Anonymous]

This is a toughie because at the time he didn't have any desire, you had a lot.

But you had to train yourself to not want to do it in order to keep yourself sane.

Now he suddenly wants to resume where he left off years ago, but you have changed your mindset & since you have been living w/this certain mindset for a long time....He cannot realistically expect you to feel what you once did.

Sorry bud, life doesn't work that way.
It sounds like he believes everything should be on his own unique terms which is not how the real world operates.

I cannot tell you how to get the desire back to want to be intimate again w/your husband.

It may not even be possible at this point.

[Anonymous]

I know you are worried that if you talk about all of this with him, he will get depressed. You could But truly, the only way to get through this is to express the anger and resentment you have been holding inside for years. If he's capable of having a frank, deep discussion then it's time to have one. Does he understand the powerful impact his denial of all intimacy had on you?

It might help crumble that wall a bit, or it might be to little, too late. Ultimately he may have to accept that sex is off the table, just as it was for you when he was ill.

Such a difficult situation. If he never initiated again, how would you feel? Relieved? Disappointed? Do you think it would benefit you to work through your negative feelings about intimacy and regain your desire to have sex? Or are you truly okay letting go of that aspect of your relationship?

[Anonymous]

Have a drink and give it a try. You have nothing to lose.

And stop saying you are repulsed by him. Try regaining the intimacy you once had. Go on a date night. Go away overnight. Just try. At this point, it's mind over matter.

[Anonymous]

We go on date nights regularly and have had many weekends off and away together. It's not a lack of time or kid-related exhaustion. He forced me to turn off my sex drive. We had it out then. I managed to come back once when he wanted it and fake it the few times he hasn't been sick or depressed in the intervening years. My life with him has been pretty disappointing, and without sex as the glue to hold us together, I am my own support system.

Of course I resent it. I stick around and do my share. We're friends. He's nice. I just can't sleep with him. I don't even like undressing around him.