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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Reply to "Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband "
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[quote=Anonymous]Do you want to reprogram yourself? It's possible. You have shut down a part of yourself so you could cope, and it was painful. You still sound very pained, even though you make the best of it. Are you willing to take the chance on getting hurt again if he has another health issue and shuts you out again? You sound like you have many valid reasons to have built up a lot of resentment towards him. Resentment is deadly for an intimate relationship, though. I don't know if there's any hope unless the two of you are able to get that out in the open, and both be willing to have understanding and acceptance for each other's feelings and perspective. Then you have to see if you can come up with ways to release your resentment. Ask yourself, what does he have to do to make it up to you and rebuild this side of things? Would he even be willing? Was he ever a giving person? Why couldn't he do things to please you that didn't involve his heart rate, if you know what I mean? Why deny you just because of his health issue? It's not that he's obligated to do anything, but you both need to acknowledge that what you've gone through has had a negative effect on you. You've given him a lot of power, as you say, as he took away sex for you, which was something you had loved. Did you ever wonder why he did that, really? Are all of these things really power/control moves on his part? He can deny it or he can pressure for it, but you haven't mentioned him caring about your needs. Maybe your gut tells you this is another power play. I can see why you wouldn't want to give that power to him. I've gone through something like this, in terms of having my ability to want sex with someone be killed off, and then trying to find a way to let go of the negative feelings associated so I could enjoy it again. This is a tough spot to be in, because your gut is right, and to protect yourself, you shouldn't get involved with him sexually again unless you can handle the strong possibility you'll get hurt again. One thing I had success with was to own my sexuality, and say, hey I love sex and I deserve to have it in my life. Now it's on my partner to prove he will do whatever it takes to please me, and I will also take responsibility for my own happiness and pleasure. In a positive and empowered sense, I'll "use" him, accept what he offers, and if I don't like it enough, I won't let him run the show. I'll please myself. Because we can live a long life, and if we like sex, we should find a way to have it for as long as we can, until we're withered and sex makes us break a hip and we just want to take naps. [/quote]
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