Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband

[Anonymous]

Wine and lube

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my question for everyone who suggests therapy.

Are there any actual examples of women being able to therapy their way out of resenting their husband and being unattracted such that they were once again attracted and wanted sex with him?

Can therapy really cure resentment and repulsion?

Sure it can. It's about communicating and getting grievances out in the open, feeling heard and understood, and changing behaviors to avoid falling back into the same place. Therapy can play a critical role in facilitating all of that. By no means is it an easy process, but with two willing and committed partners it can be done.

Yep, you wrote down all therapyspeak words from MSW classes and best-seller books.

But honestly, I bet you cannot name one. single. couple who respectfully talked their way back from decade-long resentment and physical repulsion and disgust. I know I can't.

+1

I read somewhere recently that at some point there has been too much hurt and one or more people have hardened their hearts. By then it is too late.

Making women feel like it is somehow THEIR problem when they react in an emotionally healthy way to a husband who has hurt them (I.e. By losing respect/desire for them) is a key part of patriarchy. The advice on this thread from men is basically to shut up and put out or else OP is dysfunctional. Not her weirdo husband who originally cut off sex and clearly has some various life issues, to put it politely. No, our culture likes to pathologize female lack of desire for awful men and act like the women are "frigid" for not wanting to have sex with someone who has degraded them and treating them badly. By shaming women who won't have sex with husbands who treat them badly, and acting like the lack of sexual participation on her part is the reason why she is being treated badly, they are able to intimidate women into giving sexual access to men when they don't want to, and when the men themselves have acted in horrible ways to the women involved.

[Anonymous]

Agreed, PP. That's life for many women on this planet, not just this one culture.

[Anonymous]

Incessantly worrying about the patriarchy can't be great for the libido either.

[Anonymous]

Get another dog! Running is so good for you mentally and physically. And it's really hard to lose a pet and not have another one to keep you company....which it sounds like you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get another dog! Running is so good for you mentally and physically. And it's really hard to lose a pet and not have another one to keep you company....which it sounds like you need.

LOL. So wrong in this thread. So very wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Making women feel like it is somehow THEIR problem when they react in an emotionally healthy way to a husband who has hurt them (I.e. By losing respect/desire for them) is a key part of patriarchy. The advice on this thread from men is basically to shut up and put out or else OP is dysfunctional. Not her weirdo husband who originally cut off sex and clearly has some various life issues, to put it politely. No, our culture likes to pathologize female lack of desire for awful men and act like the women are "frigid" for not wanting to have sex with someone who has degraded them and treating them badly. By shaming women who won't have sex with husbands who treat them badly, and acting like the lack of sexual participation on her part is the reason why she is being treated badly, they are able to intimidate women into giving sexual access to men when they don't want to, and when the men themselves have acted in horrible ways to the women involved.

Reverse the genders in the OP and I'll bet you'd be arguing how the husband needs to understand her and her feelings better. He should have sex with her to bolster her flagging self esteem. It's not her fault! (because it never is)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, why does every DCUM post read like this. " I am a perfect DW but I don't want to have any sex with my DH because he is mean, uncaring, lazy, unemployed, fat, ugly, distant, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic (pick any two).

Because I'm a perfect DW who works out daily, and my mean, uncaring, fat, ugly, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic husband doesn't deserve my size two self with double Ds. Oh, and he's impotent. Jesus, I have it bad.

Sigh.


But really, who doesn't look at oneself and not see a practically perfect person? It is much easy to excuse ones own behavior than somebody else's.

Jesus, for the sake of men, I hope he's impotent or gay. I have no idea how any sane, healthy man couldn't keep his hands off of you. By the ton of your post, I'm guessing you have a high drive, so how do you maintain your sanity?

*a white knight suddenly appears*

Too many cucks on this site.

PP sounds like a self absorbed b*tch...no thanks.

Oh gosh! Those were the magic words! You successfully negged the PP and now she knows you are a TRUE ALPHA and she is head over heels in love with you. Roosh has taught you well. What a man!

Calling someone a "b*tch" is not a "neg." You need to read more Roosh before you comment on such matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get another dog! Running is so good for you mentally and physically. And it's really hard to lose a pet and not have another one to keep you company....which it sounds like you need.

LOL. So wrong in this thread. So very wrong.

Ok I'm not freaking saying she should have sex with the dog! That's disgusting. I'm just supporting her in what she was thinking about doing for herself! You are icky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I got it over with.

Didn't get drunk-- drinking makes me horny for about five minutes and then makes me cranky and tired.

Instead I got really ready and committed myself to see it through and look reasonably into it.

When the house was kid-free, the dog walked, and breakfast done I asked him if he'd like to give it a try and he said yes.

I followed through pretty convincingly. I also told him up front I wanted him not to do two things I really dislike (breathing heavily in my ear like a phone pervert and touching my thighs in a way that tickles). I said that nicely without the colorful analogy.

I fantasized the whole time and that helped with the show of enthusiasm. I also came, which I think is a testament to what a rock-solid fantasizer I am.

I waited to cry until he was in the shower and I was doing yard work.

Pretty sure I can do this once per week or so. He seems cautiously happy. I need to work up the capacity to kiss him.

Feeling filthy right now, and lonely, and somewhat grieving for my cocoon where at least my body is mine to give or keep.

Honestly, though, it's tougher to live with a defeated, depressed guy than to put out.

This experience helped me solidify my plans to leave my job and find something that pays far more. I don't want to be afraid about money anymore. I'd rather be less satisfied and better compensated at work than terrified my husband won't find anything and we'll go bankrupt.

There are some places I'd like to travel and hobbies I'd pursue if we had money. That could help me be happy enough to have sex a couple of times per week whether my husband gets his life together or not.

I also feel, for the first time in a long time, like I'm not the big problem he can blame for whatever he can't get done today.

There is just no way to stay married if one person wants sex and isn't getting it. Having sex will solve that one issue and I think once I get used to it again it'll be like any other obligation -- the office Christmas party. Most people don't know how much I dislike schmoozing because I'm an engaged conversation partner who makes people feel heard. So hopefully being married to the office Christmas party is workable.

OP - You sound like Fantine from Les Mis.

If you are THAT miserable and repulsed by having sex you YOUR husband then get out of the marriage.

You are a lawyer for Gods sake, you can support yourself. At least then you can be happier than an ISIS prisoner.

[Anonymous]

I'm starting to think, OP, that you and your husband are both very invested in a complicated power game when it comes to intimacy and sex. So much push/pull throughout your marriage. Maybe it's time to examine why you give him the power you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I got it over with.

Didn't get drunk-- drinking makes me horny for about five minutes and then makes me cranky and tired.

Instead I got really ready and committed myself to see it through and look reasonably into it.

When the house was kid-free, the dog walked, and breakfast done I asked him if he'd like to give it a try and he said yes.

I followed through pretty convincingly. I also told him up front I wanted him not to do two things I really dislike (breathing heavily in my ear like a phone pervert and touching my thighs in a way that tickles). I said that nicely without the colorful analogy.

I fantasized the whole time and that helped with the show of enthusiasm. I also came, which I think is a testament to what a rock-solid fantasizer I am.

I waited to cry until he was in the shower and I was doing yard work.

Pretty sure I can do this once per week or so. He seems cautiously happy. I need to work up the capacity to kiss him.

Feeling filthy right now, and lonely, and somewhat grieving for my cocoon where at least my body is mine to give or keep.

Honestly, though, it's tougher to live with a defeated, depressed guy than to put out.

This experience helped me solidify my plans to leave my job and find something that pays far more. I don't want to be afraid about money anymore. I'd rather be less satisfied and better compensated at work than terrified my husband won't find anything and we'll go bankrupt.

There are some places I'd like to travel and hobbies I'd pursue if we had money. That could help me be happy enough to have sex a couple of times per week whether my husband gets his life together or not.

I also feel, for the first time in a long time, like I'm not the big problem he can blame for whatever he can't get done today.

There is just no way to stay married if one person wants sex and isn't getting it. Having sex will solve that one issue and I think once I get used to it again it'll be like any other obligation -- the office Christmas party. Most people don't know how much I dislike schmoozing because I'm an engaged conversation partner who makes people feel heard. So hopefully being married to the office Christmas party is workable.

OP - You sound like Fantine from Les Mis.

If you are THAT miserable and repulsed by having sex you YOUR husband then get out of the marriage.

You are a lawyer for Gods sake, you can support yourself. At least then you can be happier than an ISIS prisoner.

Wow OP. As a lesbian this makes me want to cry for you. I am so sorry you are being forced to feel this way. Please stop having sex with him immediately. Please, for your own sake. And do not listen to the miserable Neanderthal douches on this website or their handmaidens, who will tell you you're a horrible person for not granting sexual access to a man. They have been saying that bullshit since the dawn of time. Learn to block it out.

But... I'm so sorry for you. I'm sure I'll be thinking of this (and what so many other women have to go through) all day now.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP. As a lesbian this makes me want to cry for you. I am so sorry you are being forced to feel this way. Please stop having sex with him immediately. Please, for your own sake. And do not listen to the miserable Neanderthal douches on this website or their handmaidens, who will tell you you're a horrible person for not granting sexual access to a man. They have been saying that bullshit since the dawn of time. Learn to block it out.

But... I'm so sorry for you. I'm sure I'll be thinking of this (and what so many other women have to go through) all day now.

Not a lesbian but I agree with you.

OP needs to open the marriage. What I don't get is the attitude that "I don't want to sleep with my partner and no one else can either"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making women feel like it is somehow THEIR problem when they react in an emotionally healthy way to a husband who has hurt them (I.e. By losing respect/desire for them) is a key part of patriarchy. The advice on this thread from men is basically to shut up and put out or else OP is dysfunctional. Not her weirdo husband who originally cut off sex and clearly has some various life issues, to put it politely. No, our culture likes to pathologize female lack of desire for awful men and act like the women are "frigid" for not wanting to have sex with someone who has degraded them and treating them badly. By shaming women who won't have sex with husbands who treat them badly, and acting like the lack of sexual participation on her part is the reason why she is being treated badly, they are able to intimidate women into giving sexual access to men when they don't want to, and when the men themselves have acted in horrible ways to the women involved.

Reverse the genders in the OP and I'll bet you'd be arguing how the husband needs to understand her and her feelings better. He should have sex with her to bolster her flagging self esteem. It's not her fault! (because it never is)

So true, it's the woman card again, as if women are the only ones who every make, dare I say, sacrifices to keep the marriage going. And honestly, if it is a sacrifice and you can't stand the thought of even his touch, then you need to do the honorable thing and get out. Don't care if you can't afford it, you can't afford not to and you have no right to deny someone else happiness. Go find a group house, get a job and start over on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Wow OP. As a lesbian this makes me want to cry for you. I am so sorry you are being forced to feel this way. Please stop having sex with him immediately. Please, for your own sake. And do not listen to the miserable Neanderthal douches on this website or their handmaidens, who will tell you you're a horrible person for not granting sexual access to a man. They have been saying that bullshit since the dawn of time. Learn to block it out.

But... I'm so sorry for you. I'm sure I'll be thinking of this (and what so many other women have to go through) all day now.

Not a lesbian but I agree with you.

OP needs to open the marriage. What I don't get is the attitude that "I don't want to sleep with my partner and no one else can either"

Really, I am not about to take advise from a lesbian about a relationship with a man.