Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We go on date nights regularly and have had many weekends off and away together. It's not a lack of time or kid-related exhaustion. He forced me to turn off my sex drive. We had it out then. I managed to come back once when he wanted it and fake it the few times he hasn't been sick or depressed in the intervening years. My life with him has been pretty disappointing, and without sex as the glue to hold us together, I am my own support system.

Of course I resent it. I stick around and do my share. We're friends. He's nice. I just can't sleep with him. I don't even like undressing around him.

You are resentful. You should consider individual therapy. I'm sorry. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

She said she can't afford therapy.

OP, you can't fight resentment. That always crushes intimacy. Be honest with yourself and him. You can love him and want to be with him, but the damage over the years is real, and maybe not fixable so that you can go back to having an intimate relationship with him. And you know he's going to get depressed again and it'll be the same old thing. You're having a sane reaction, but you're trying to force yourself to go against it. Unless you can throw out all the baggage and just say "hey I'll take sex with no strings any time it's offered, and when he goes back into a slump I'll just masturbate until he's well again," you should not even try with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We go on date nights regularly and have had many weekends off and away together. It's not a lack of time or kid-related exhaustion. He forced me to turn off my sex drive. We had it out then. I managed to come back once when he wanted it and fake it the few times he hasn't been sick or depressed in the intervening years. My life with him has been pretty disappointing, and without sex as the glue to hold us together, I am my own support system.

Of course I resent it. I stick around and do my share. We're friends. He's nice. I just can't sleep with him. I don't even like undressing around him.

Then get divorced and co-parent. You say you can't afford it? That's a load of BS. You're cutting off what you have said is a very important part of you (sex) to stay with a man who has severe issues because of money? Put on your big girl panties, find a cheaper place to live and make the life you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We go on date nights regularly and have had many weekends off and away together. It's not a lack of time or kid-related exhaustion. He forced me to turn off my sex drive. We had it out then. I managed to come back once when he wanted it and fake it the few times he hasn't been sick or depressed in the intervening years. My life with him has been pretty disappointing, and without sex as the glue to hold us together, I am my own support system.

Of course I resent it. I stick around and do my share. We're friends. He's nice. I just can't sleep with him. I don't even like undressing around him.

Then get divorced and co-parent. You say you can't afford it? That's a load of BS. You're cutting off what you have said is a very important part of you (sex) to stay with a man who has severe issues because of money? Put on your big girl panties, find a cheaper place to live and make the life you want.

Reading comprehension. My husband is unemployed. Not only can't he afford a place to live, I would likely owe spousal support for two years if I left him and child support until our incomes equalized.

There is not a dollar to spare and no, I don't want to see him destitute or have my child spent live in two wretched apartments. She had nothing to do with this. I'm fine without sex. Why should I and my child go through extreme hardship for something I don't even want?

[Anonymous]

OP again. It always amazes me when people say to find a cheaper place when they don't even know whether the OP is living in an expensive place. We live in the cheapest housing available in our school boundary. Should my child have to leave all of her friends so I can get laid, which I no longer want because my spouse broke me of the urge?

It'd be nice to be one of those dissatisfied spouses in a McMansion with a $200k HHI. That person should put on her big girl panties. I'm not that person. I'm a legal aid lawyer married to an unemployed public interest advocate living in a modest rental in a good school district.

[Anonymous]

Pre-empting the advice to get a better job: (1) big law wants nothing to do with someone who has been doing landlord-tenant and domestic violence work for close to 20 years; (2) neither are the Feds; and (3) I love my job and serving my community more than I love the idea of leaving my marriage to find an imaginary soul mate I don't want at age 46 with a child to care for and child support to pay. Imagine that.

I'm a decent looking 46. I work out and I am a good weight and haven't aged badly considering.

But if I came on here as a divorced 46-year-old mother with no money and a school-aged child and asked what my chances are for finding a nice spouse, I'd be told (accurately) to expect a bald guy 5-10 years my senior with kids, an ex, and a modest income.

Who the hell would uproot their child's life for that? My spouse isn't mean. He's kind to our child and he does the dishes and cleans the gutters. We aren't fighting. We have friends in common who like us both.

He also doesn't want to break up.

What if I just told him to go get sex elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

Start reading erotic fiction. Romance novels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pre-empting the advice to get a better job: (1) big law wants nothing to do with someone who has been doing landlord-tenant and domestic violence work for close to 20 years; (2) neither are the Feds; and (3) I love my job and serving my community more than I love the idea of leaving my marriage to find an imaginary soul mate I don't want at age 46 with a child to care for and child support to pay. Imagine that.

I'm a decent looking 46. I work out and I am a good weight and haven't aged badly considering.

But if I came on here as a divorced 46-year-old mother with no money and a school-aged child and asked what my chances are for finding a nice spouse, I'd be told (accurately) to expect a bald guy 5-10 years my senior with kids, an ex, and a modest income.

Who the hell would uproot their child's life for that? My spouse isn't mean. He's kind to our child and he does the dishes and cleans the gutters. We aren't fighting. We have friends in common who like us both.

He also doesn't want to break up.

What if I just told him to go get sex elsewhere?

Yes. That is probably the best solution for you. You have no intention/way of fixing this problem and you're willing to stay with a man who repulses you sexually for the sake of friendship and child care. So that's great that you're willing to let him get sex elsewhere. Because you're right, there is no fix to this problem...

[PaigeKeller]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pre-empting the advice to get a better job: (1) big law wants nothing to do with someone who has been doing landlord-tenant and domestic violence work for close to 20 years; (2) neither are the Feds; and (3) I love my job and serving my community more than I love the idea of leaving my marriage to find an imaginary soul mate I don't want at age 46 with a child to care for and child support to pay. Imagine that.

I'm a decent looking 46. I work out and I am a good weight and haven't aged badly considering.

But if I came on here as a divorced 46-year-old mother with no money and a school-aged child and asked what my chances are for finding a nice spouse, I'd be told (accurately) to expect a bald guy 5-10 years my senior with kids, an ex, and a modest income.

Who the hell would uproot their child's life for that? My spouse isn't mean. He's kind to our child and he does the dishes and cleans the gutters. We aren't fighting. We have friends in common who like us both.

He also doesn't want to break up.

What if I just told him to go get sex elsewhere?

Yes. That is probably the best solution for you. You have no intention/way of fixing this problem and you're willing to stay with a man who repulses you sexually for the sake of friendship and child care. So that's great that you're willing to let him get sex elsewhere. Because you're right, there is no fix to this problem...

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

You need to treat yourself to an affair(s). I can't imagine going a week, let alone longer, without having sex with my DH. I am 42 and horny as all get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. It always amazes me when people say to find a cheaper place when they don't even know whether the OP is living in an expensive place. We live in the cheapest housing available in our school boundary. Should my child have to leave all of her friends so I can get laid, which I no longer want because my spouse broke me of the urge?

It'd be nice to be one of those dissatisfied spouses in a McMansion with a $200k HHI. That person should put on her big girl panties. I'm not that person. I'm a legal aid lawyer married to an unemployed public interest advocate living in a modest rental in a good school district.

200K?? Wow, try 500K. This is DC. No one thinks 200K is fine.

[Anonymous]

Having read all your posts op I am totally baffled as to how you conceived a child.

[Anonymous]

Read lit porn (like Reddit Gonewild Stories) and turn out the lights. Works for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I can't afford therapy. He's laid off. Therapy isn't covered in my health plan.

OP, are you sure? I thought mental health was required to be covered by health insurance.

[Anonymous]

You say you are high drive, but it doesn't seem that way now. More like, perimenopausal? Isn't it every man's fantasy to be able to have an affair? Why are you afraid of turning him down? If he had to think about attracting a new person, maybe he would spiff himself up some which could benefit you. I think you have resentment. You're not a microwave that can turn on and off in an instant. Focus on his good points and decide if it's worth attempting to rekindle anything. You have be in the right mindset and it sounds like you're not.