Trying and failing to force myself to want sex with husband

[Anonymous]

One of the most pathetic posts I've ever read. Therapy, life coach, anything, to help see you through your bitterness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. It always amazes me when people say to find a cheaper place when they don't even know whether the OP is living in an expensive place. We live in the cheapest housing available in our school boundary. Should my child have to leave all of her friends so I can get laid, which I no longer want because my spouse broke me of the urge?

It'd be nice to be one of those dissatisfied spouses in a McMansion with a $200k HHI. That person should put on her big girl panties. I'm not that person. I'm a legal aid lawyer married to an unemployed public interest advocate living in a modest rental in a good school district.

200K?? Wow, try 500K. This is DC. No one thinks 200K is fine.

500 is still pretty tight to be honest.

Yes, and those $500K salaries are either directly or indirectly paid for by taxes on the rest of us. Beltway living is fantasyland.

To an extent, but it's not changing because the area is recession proof.

[Anonymous]

If you don't want to get divorced then have sex with him. It sounds like he wants sex and isn't willing to "turn off that part of his brain" like you did. You will start fighting about it soon and won't be such great friends then. Just have sex.

[Anonymous]

What if you outlined exactly what he needs to do for you to be interested again? Get his health under control, get a job, work on his depression. I know you can't afford therapy, but there are lots of good books and if he did some digging around he could probably find some sort of cheap or free therapy (individual or couple).

And don't have sex if you don't want to. His chickens are coming home to roost, and he's the one who needs to step up his game if he wants sex that badly.

[Anonymous]

Buy some new toys and maybe a video geared towards women's pleasure . Have a few drinks one night and masterbate together.

[Anonymous]

it is hard to get the desire back when there is resentment. Tell him that. You are not responsible for his depression or for fixing it or him. It sounds like you do feel responsible got more than yourself. Own your stuff, let him own his. There may be fallout, but one way or another this is going to come to a head. The status quo is not sustainable.

Speak your truth to him.

[Anonymous]

Btw, why diss bald divorced men in their fifties?? I bet some of them would make great husbands and lovers. It sounds like op kind of gets something out of playing the victim card.

[Anonymous]

This really helped me OP:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/schlepping-through-heartbreak/201208/don-t-touch-me-i-m-your-wife

Read it

[Anonymous]

Here's my question for everyone who suggests therapy.

Are there any actual examples of women being able to therapy their way out of resenting their husband and being unattracted such that they were once again attracted and wanted sex with him?

Can therapy really cure resentment and repulsion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's my question for everyone who suggests therapy.

Are there any actual examples of women being able to therapy their way out of resenting their husband and being unattracted such that they were once again attracted and wanted sex with him?

Can therapy really cure resentment and repulsion?

Sure it can. It's about communicating and getting grievances out in the open, feeling heard and understood, and changing behaviors to avoid falling back into the same place. Therapy can play a critical role in facilitating all of that. By no means is it an easy process, but with two willing and committed partners it can be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm sorry people are being so mean and unhelpful to you. Unlike most people in dcum, I don't think it's the end of the world if you have a sexless marriage. I don't think you should feel bad about telling him, sorry, that ship has sailed and you chose not to be on it...
But, if that's not what you want, I think this is what you need to do. First, forgive him. At least a little. I think it's the resentment that breeds the repulsion, and maybe also the many years of tending to him while he was sick. Second, get pretty drunk and watch hot guys on TV. Third, just do it (well, maybe make him give you a backrub first). Close your eyes and think of the hot guys from TV. I think if you have okay sex a few times, you'll start to feel more attraction to him.

+1

LOL the quoted part.

Don't have anything useful to tell you that you don't already know. Guess I'm just telling my story here. btw, I find you very attractive because I get a sense you are very realistic in life, intelligent and a good person.

Naah, after typing it out, my story doesn't mean shit here. Delete it is. Hugs to you though for having to had conditioned yourself because of all the resentment. I don't blame you. It was survival. You don't have a bad life really. Might blow up after the kid moves out, who knows. Perhaps you should move with the Hubby to another locale where he can find employment. A lawyer being the kind of person you are, can find a job anywhere. You can always find a good school, besides good parenting is better than any school. Start a new life with hubby. Doesn't sound like you'd be leaving much behind. It might start a new relationship with hubby, having to depend upon each other more for stimuli. Or don't, your choice. You don't really seem to give a shit about it anyway. good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm facing a similar situation re: lost interest in sex after initial high drive. Every so often, I force myself to dress sexy and drink 2 glasses of wine and invite my dh to do it. It works and keeps peace for a while. Not ready for divorce but in my case it's gonna be inevitable. Also, can you get childcare say once a month and go out for dinner& sexy overnight at a hotel?

LOL, with that attitude, you're right. Divorce is inevitable. Thanks for us men though for taking one for the team every now and then, lol. If we knew that's what you were doing for sure, you'd never get sex from most of us. good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This really helped me OP:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/schlepping-through-heartbreak/201208/don-t-touch-me-i-m-your-wife

Read it

DH here...DS is 16 months old and we've had sex exactly 3 times since he arrived. We just celebrated (celibate-ly) our anniversary, and the cold, chilling realization has set in that our bedroom is dead. I've initiated a bunch of times, gently, lots of affection, but as soon as i get to the foreplay, I get shot down and DW goes into "cuddle me to sleep" mode. There have been random arguments, about off-the-wall stuff, and this article is disturbingly accurate for us. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Having a new baby is hard and exhausting. You may have to give her more time.

For those who don't have a new baby, get out of your routine. Get a sitter or family member to come stay with the kids and get out of town for an over night.

You need to remember what turned you on about your spouse when you initially were together.

We had this issue for a while, we booked a weekend at Savage River Lodge. Had dinner in their restaurant with lots of wine, lots of laughing and things were just like old times. Then we just needed to sustain the love high from that weekend in our real lives, which isn't easy with how busy we all are and how tiring life can be.

Try to step out of your life for a day or two together...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my question for everyone who suggests therapy.

Are there any actual examples of women being able to therapy their way out of resenting their husband and being unattracted such that they were once again attracted and wanted sex with him?

Can therapy really cure resentment and repulsion?

Sure it can. It's about communicating and getting grievances out in the open, feeling heard and understood, and changing behaviors to avoid falling back into the same place. Therapy can play a critical role in facilitating all of that. By no means is it an easy process, but with two willing and committed partners it can be done.

Yep, you wrote down all therapyspeak words from MSW classes and best-seller books.

But honestly, I bet you cannot name one. single. couple who respectfully talked their way back from decade-long resentment and physical repulsion and disgust. I know I can't.