My SIL makes family functions unbearable - I really need to vent.

[Anonymous]

I fully expect to be ripped apart for this but I have to vent somewhere.

My SIL is infertile and its been 15 years of everyone's lives revolving around this fact. (DH's brother's wife)

I have compassion for her, I do. I have no idea what it is to be in her shoes. But if I don't get some of this out I am going to explode on her and that is the last thing I want to do.

Every holiday, every child's birthday, every special event she finds some way to bring up her struggle and make everyone feel guilty for enjoying a milestone. Also she can't just pass on an event she has to send out an mass email about how it is just too traumatic for her to keep attending these events with no regard for her current situation. But if she doesn't get invited you'll get another mass email about how she is being excluded because she is infertile. Every single thing is damned if you do damned if you don't.

They have asked for money from DH's parents for treatments. When DH's parents finally said they couldn't afford more it got so ugly. Christmas Eve before church she blew up and said "Well they have their grandchildren and they don't want to pay for any more." Then she started sobbing and physically pushed me and then pounded on my chest screaming about why do I get children and she doesn't.

DHs parents cashed in retirement after that and paid for the last of their IVF. Now they are talking about donors and surrogates and more money. DH's brother borrowed money from us twice to save their home from foreclosure. When is enough going to be enough?

She goes after my DH's sister and her wife as well. Any chance she gets to put a dig in. They get it especially bad because their IUI worked three times. To the point where a week after the birth of her last baby my DH's sister's wife was sobbing at a little family party we were having. Saying "I'm sorry I'm sorry" because SIL had gone after her about flaunting the baby in her face. The party was for the baby's homecoming!

My ten year old son was in a car accident recently. He is fine but he needed emergency surgery and the experience was terrifying. A few hours into waiting and I'm not sure what the context was but I hear my SILs voice say "Yea well at least she has children. You know he'll be fine she's got all the luck." I am not a violent person but I have never wanted to punch someone in face so badly. My FIL heard it and he jumped up and told his son to get her out of there. She started in with "Oh sorry sorry, its the infertile no filter thing" Right now I don't ever want to speak to her or see her again.

But I'll have to. She is family. And none of us can be happy or sad or celebratory or scared without being reminded that her suffering is worse. We can't buy new things without being told about their need for money and how frivolous we are.

This has been escalating since I met DH. The last five years have become nearly unbearable. I understand that I will never understand what she is doing through but I don't understand why she has to make everyone as miserable as possible any chance she gets.

[Anonymous]

Oy surprised she hasn't run her Husband off. No advice, just sympathy

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she's the victim/martyr drama queen type. The infertility is just one vehicle for expressing it.

[Anonymous]

That would drive me nuts, OP. I have compassion and sympathy for people but at a certain point, you need to realize that it's not right to make your problems everyone else's problems or the center of everything. She needs therapy. And your in-laws need to say no.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I couldn't be around that. Sorry you're dealing with her. She needs help.

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone. It felt better just to type a lot of that out.

I wish she would go to therapy. I'd never suggest it though. We all walk on eggshells around her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone. It felt better just to type a lot of that out.

I wish she would go to therapy. I'd never suggest it though. We all walk on eggshells around her.

I'm sure you do. I'd probably stop attending events though or inviting her to everything I host. I'd rather she ruin it by sending a nasty "you excluded me" email than by coming and making new moms cry. That's just awful. I'd like to say I'd insist DH tell his brother what's what, but I know that conversation wouldn't actually happen, and we'd just do the slow fade to avoid confrontation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone. It felt better just to type a lot of that out.

I wish she would go to therapy. I'd never suggest it though. We all walk on eggshells around her.

I'm sure you do. I'd probably stop attending events though or inviting her to everything I host. I'd rather she ruin it by sending a nasty "you excluded me" email than by coming and making new moms cry. That's just awful. I'd like to say I'd insist DH tell his brother what's what, but I know that conversation wouldn't actually happen, and we'd just do the slow fade to avoid confrontation.

I wish it wouldn't come to that but you are probably right - I think we all need distance.

DH and his brother have had several go rounds over this. But his brother will also go to him for advice or when he is at his own breaking point. All of it is just a viscous cycle.

[Anonymous]

She is broken. You are going to have to be the better person and have some empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fully expect to be ripped apart for this but I have to vent somewhere.

My SIL is infertile and its been 15 years of everyone's lives revolving around this fact. (DH's brother's wife)

I have compassion for her, I do. I have no idea what it is to be in her shoes. But if I don't get some of this out I am going to explode on her and that is the last thing I want to do.

Every holiday, every child's birthday, every special event she finds some way to bring up her struggle and make everyone feel guilty for enjoying a milestone. Also she can't just pass on an event she has to send out an mass email about how it is just too traumatic for her to keep attending these events with no regard for her current situation. But if she doesn't get invited you'll get another mass email about how she is being excluded because she is infertile. Every single thing is damned if you do damned if you don't.

They have asked for money from DH's parents for treatments. When DH's parents finally said they couldn't afford more it got so ugly. Christmas Eve before church she blew up and said "Well they have their grandchildren and they don't want to pay for any more." Then she started sobbing and physically pushed me and then pounded on my chest screaming about why do I get children and she doesn't.

DHs parents cashed in retirement after that and paid for the last of their IVF. Now they are talking about donors and surrogates and more money. DH's brother borrowed money from us twice to save their home from foreclosure. When is enough going to be enough?

She goes after my DH's sister and her wife as well. Any chance she gets to put a dig in. They get it especially bad because their IUI worked three times. To the point where a week after the birth of her last baby my DH's sister's wife was sobbing at a little family party we were having. Saying "I'm sorry I'm sorry" because SIL had gone after her about flaunting the baby in her face. The party was for the baby's homecoming!

My ten year old son was in a car accident recently. He is fine but he needed emergency surgery and the experience was terrifying. A few hours into waiting and I'm not sure what the context was but I hear my SILs voice say "Yea well at least she has children. You know he'll be fine she's got all the luck." I am not a violent person but I have never wanted to punch someone in face so badly. My FIL heard it and he jumped up and told his son to get her out of there. She started in with "Oh sorry sorry, its the infertile no filter thing" Right now I don't ever want to speak to her or see her again.

But I'll have to. She is family. And none of us can be happy or sad or celebratory or scared without being reminded that her suffering is worse. We can't buy new things without being told about their need for money and how frivolous we are.

This has been escalating since I met DH. The last five years have become nearly unbearable. I understand that I will never understand what she is doing through but I don't understand why she has to make everyone as miserable as possible any chance she gets.

On the slim chance this is actually real ( I have a strong feeling you are the author of my SIL is mean to my baby)

You don't get to determine this. You don't get to even wonder about it.

You don't get to decide what other family members do with their money or their relationship with them.

You can choose how much time you spend with her and her BIL. You can choose how much money you are willing to help them with.

Your SIL is hurting. Hurting people react in a variety of ways. Some become reclusive, some become bitter an nasty, and some reach out to others. You really don't have to understand it. You just need to choose how you will react to it.

[Anonymous]

I think you need a family meeting about this, sans SIL. Centering about when enough is enough, and what the grandparents's obligations are regarding money, and what the family's obligations are regarding including her in social gatherings if she continues to make it all about her. I think you are all miserable separately and feeling guilty, and that you will feel so much better if you can find a safe outlet to express everyone's feelings about the matter.

The reality is, some people need to be told directly what the boundaries are. If the whole family can agree on some, it might be a good idea to let SIL know what they are. She'll feel awful in the moment, but perhaps it will be healthier for her in the long-term.

She is not open to adoption?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

On the slim chance this is actually real ( I have a strong feeling you are the author of my SIL is mean to my baby)

You don't get to determine this. You don't get to even wonder about it.

You don't get to decide what other family members do with their money or their relationship with them.

You can choose how much time you spend with her and her BIL. You can choose how much money you are willing to help them with.

Your SIL is hurting. Hurting people react in a variety of ways. Some become reclusive, some become bitter an nasty, and some reach out to others. You really don't have to understand it. You just need to choose how you will react to it.

I don't have a baby, this is real, and I have not posted about my SIL before.

I get the advice you are giving but I do get to feel exhausted from years of this type of abuse. She has physically attacked me. She has emotionally abused my other SIL.

I don't think I said anywhere in my post that I get to decide what other family members do with their money. I can worry that my aging ILs are being bullied into emptying their retirement.

As I said in my OP I get that she is hurting. But she is hurting our entire family and I think we all deserve a bit of consideration too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think you need a family meeting about this, sans SIL. Centering about when enough is enough, and what the grandparents's obligations are regarding money, and what the family's obligations are regarding including her in social gatherings if she continues to make it all about her. I think you are all miserable separately and feeling guilty, and that you will feel so much better if you can find a safe outlet to express everyone's feelings about the matter.

The reality is, some people need to be told directly what the boundaries are. If the whole family can agree on some, it might be a good idea to let SIL know what they are. She'll feel awful in the moment, but perhaps it will be healthier for her in the long-term.

She is not open to adoption?

My DH's sister has wanted to have a family sit down about this for a while now. No one has wanted to exclude SIL though and go behind her back. We are all really trying to be considerate of her situation. I think I might back the idea though. It certainly couldn't make this situation worse.

My BIL has wanted adoption for a very long time. I don't know why she is not open to that idea. Maybe she will be now that their options are limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

On the slim chance this is actually real ( I have a strong feeling you are the author of my SIL is mean to my baby)

You don't get to determine this. You don't get to even wonder about it.

You don't get to decide what other family members do with their money or their relationship with them.

You can choose how much time you spend with her and her BIL. You can choose how much money you are willing to help them with.

Your SIL is hurting. Hurting people react in a variety of ways. Some become reclusive, some become bitter an nasty, and some reach out to others. You really don't have to understand it. You just need to choose how you will react to it.

I don't have a baby, this is real, and I have not posted about my SIL before.

I get the advice you are giving but I do get to feel exhausted from years of this type of abuse. She has physically attacked me. She has emotionally abused my other SIL.

I don't think I said anywhere in my post that I get to decide what other family members do with their money. I can worry that my aging ILs are being bullied into emptying their retirement.

As I said in my OP I get that she is hurting. But she is hurting our entire family and I think we all deserve a bit of consideration too.

You asked " when is enough enough? implying you get to decide things. You don't.

Outside of what you,your DH and your kids do you don't get to decide. Your in-laws are adults they can determine what relationship and the boundaries they want to have with her SIL. You can determine your own boundaries.

" I'll never understand why..."
If you see that she's hurting it really shouldn't be baffling to you why she acts the way she does. As an adult I'm sure you're capable of understanding that hurting people behave in all manner of ways.

Since you feel abused and scarred by her behavior, instead of worrying about your SIL seeking therapy, maybe you should go to therapy yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think you need a family meeting about this, sans SIL. Centering about when enough is enough, and what the grandparents's obligations are regarding money, and what the family's obligations are regarding including her in social gatherings if she continues to make it all about her. I think you are all miserable separately and feeling guilty, and that you will feel so much better if you can find a safe outlet to express everyone's feelings about the matter.

The reality is, some people need to be told directly what the boundaries are. If the whole family can agree on some, it might be a good idea to let SIL know what they are. She'll feel awful in the moment, but perhaps it will be healthier for her in the long-term.

She is not open to adoption?

My DH's sister has wanted to have a family sit down about this for a while now. No one has wanted to exclude SIL though and go behind her back. We are all really trying to be considerate of her situation. I think I might back the idea though. It certainly couldn't make this situation worse.

My BIL has wanted adoption for a very long time. I don't know why she is not open to that idea. Maybe she will be now that their options are limited.

It is none of your business if they adopt or not. It's not your place to suggest it.