My SIL makes family functions unbearable - I really need to vent.

[Anonymous]

Maybe an intervention so she cuts the Shit out or at least had the decency to grieve privately.

[Anonymous]

I dont think you need to be kind to her but you don't need to be mean to her either. I think that you can simply absolutely minimize contact. Don't initiate any kind of contact that isn't direct and limited: e.g. "Please pass the salt."

I'm so sorry OP. I hope that you can find it in your heart not to forgive, but to maintain a civil front in her presence. I also agree that she could really, really use therapy but it is not in your power to make that happen.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I feel much hmmm I guess saner now that I was able to vent. As I said I needed to get it all out so I didn't explode on my SIL.

I usually just "grin and bear it" because I understand that she must be going through hell and also there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. But this past year and a half things have just been escalating and though some may say it is not my right I really do feel that enough is enough. I am probably the last person to get there too. My DH has 4 brothers and a sister and I'm pretty much the only inlaw that isn't outright hostile towards her. She has burned many a bridge.

I probably should not have mentioned the infertility and just stated that she is controlling, manipulative, physically and mentally abusive and emotionally draining. I think I would have gotten very different advice and commiseration. Because doesn't everyone have at least one emotional vampire in their family circle? I mentioned it though because I was hoping that someone would say this was either normal or there was specific help she could seek to help her better navigate family gatherings that are full of children and mothers.

As I said, I haven't spoken to her since the hospital but I am going to have to see her this Saturday. I am dreading it but at least now I feel I can keep my mouth shut.

[Anonymous]

Good luck, OP. I, for one, think the haters on this thread are not worth paying attention to. Emotional vampire is a good descriptor for her behavior. Your concern for your family is a good thing. You have been more than kind and patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I feel much hmmm I guess saner now that I was able to vent. As I said I needed to get it all out so I didn't explode on my SIL.

I usually just "grin and bear it" because I understand that she must be going through hell and also there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. But this past year and a half things have just been escalating and though some may say it is not my right I really do feel that enough is enough. I am probably the last person to get there too. My DH has 4 brothers and a sister and I'm pretty much the only inlaw that isn't outright hostile towards her. She has burned many a bridge.

I probably should not have mentioned the infertility and just stated that she is controlling, manipulative, physically and mentally abusive and emotionally draining. I think I would have gotten very different advice and commiseration. Because doesn't everyone have at least one emotional vampire in their family circle? I mentioned it though because I was hoping that someone would say this was either normal or there was specific help she could seek to help her better navigate family gatherings that are full of children and mothers.

As I said, I haven't spoken to her since the hospital but I am going to have to see her this Saturday. I am dreading it but at least now I feel I can keep my mouth shut.

But you did. And a lot of people do that. They don't even realize that they do, and they actually further alienate the person they think is horrible. I'm tired of all of the "horrible infertile person" posts.

Sure, it does push people to be passive aggressive because they are bombarded day in and day out ALL.THE.TIME with the constant message that they are incomplete because they are a mother (because, you know, that's the greatist thing you can be and you aren't really a woman until you are a mother and it's the best thing that anyone could ever do). ALL.THE.TIME.

I'm sorry, but you have no clue what that can do to a person over time.

I love how "mental illness" is our new catch-all scapegoat for everything. Instead of looking at, hey, wait a minute, maybe there are things that society does and that a lot of people do to alienate certain groups of people and how that makes them lash out, we instead say they must be mentally ill because they can't handle it.

Infertility is a big deal. It's a very difficult thing. And even women who had trouble getting pregnant but eventually did have a successful pregnant do not fully understand how it feels when the reality is that not only are you struggling with infertility but it is highly unlikely that you will win that battle.

As other PPs have said, we expect people to not talk about it and "be grateful you're an aunt!"

If you are having such a difficult time with your SIL, maybe she just doesn't like you or maybe she's just not nice and the infertility is irrelevant. But maybe the fact that you went out of your way to start off your post with identifying her infertility is a sign that you have made and continue to say things (perhaps without realizing it) that have contributed to how she behaves toward you.

If you didn't get along with her before you had kids and before she realized she was infertile, then what's the mystery? You just don't like each other. But even you framed the issue as having some connection to her infertility. That's disturbing.

[Anonymous]

should read "incomplete because they are NOT a mother"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I feel much hmmm I guess saner now that I was able to vent. As I said I needed to get it all out so I didn't explode on my SIL.

I usually just "grin and bear it" because I understand that she must be going through hell and also there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. But this past year and a half things have just been escalating and though some may say it is not my right I really do feel that enough is enough. I am probably the last person to get there too. My DH has 4 brothers and a sister and I'm pretty much the only inlaw that isn't outright hostile towards her. She has burned many a bridge.

I probably should not have mentioned the infertility and just stated that she is controlling, manipulative, physically and mentally abusive and emotionally draining. I think I would have gotten very different advice and commiseration. Because doesn't everyone have at least one emotional vampire in their family circle? I mentioned it though because I was hoping that someone would say this was either normal or there was specific help she could seek to help her better navigate family gatherings that are full of children and mothers.

As I said, I haven't spoken to her since the hospital but I am going to have to see her this Saturday. I am dreading it but at least now I feel I can keep my mouth shut.

But you did. And a lot of people do that. They don't even realize that they do, and they actually further alienate the person they think is horrible. I'm tired of all of the "horrible infertile person" posts.

Sure, it does push people to be passive aggressive because they are bombarded day in and day out ALL.THE.TIME with the constant message that they are incomplete because they are a mother (because, you know, that's the greatist thing you can be and you aren't really a woman until you are a mother and it's the best thing that anyone could ever do). ALL.THE.TIME.

I'm sorry, but you have no clue what that can do to a person over time.

I love how "mental illness" is our new catch-all scapegoat for everything. Instead of looking at, hey, wait a minute, maybe there are things that society does and that a lot of people do to alienate certain groups of people and how that makes them lash out, we instead say they must be mentally ill because they can't handle it.

Infertility is a big deal. It's a very difficult thing. And even women who had trouble getting pregnant but eventually did have a successful pregnant do not fully understand how it feels when the reality is that not only are you struggling with infertility but it is highly unlikely that you will win that battle.

As other PPs have said, we expect people to not talk about it and "be grateful you're an aunt!"

If you are having such a difficult time with your SIL, maybe she just doesn't like you or maybe she's just not nice and the infertility is irrelevant. But maybe the fact that you went out of your way to start off your post with identifying her infertility is a sign that you have made and continue to say things (perhaps without realizing it) that have contributed to how she behaves toward you.

If you didn't get along with her before you had kids and before she realized she was infertile, then what's the mystery? You just don't like each other. But even you framed the issue as having some connection to her infertility. That's disturbing.

So physical attacks, bullying elderly parents into giving money and emotionally abusing a postpartum mom is passive aggressive these days?

SIL and I had a very friendly relationship until the hospital incident. I even took her beating on me and let it go and excused it because of her grief over infertility. As I said this has been building to this point. As I also said I was the last of the ILs that she finally burned a bridge with. I have always been incredibly kind to her regarding her infertility.

You seem to be filling in a lot of blanks that aren't there and projecting your own situation onto mine. You want to paint my SIL with rose colored glasses and paint the rest of us as assholes. Which just isnt true. She is suffering and she wants everyone else to be miserable with her. She also wants to excuse all of her behavior with "well I'm infertile"

There is no way I could have talked out the situation I was having without mentioning that this has been building for years due to increasing anger and grief over infertility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I feel much hmmm I guess saner now that I was able to vent. As I said I needed to get it all out so I didn't explode on my SIL.

I usually just "grin and bear it" because I understand that she must be going through hell and also there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. But this past year and a half things have just been escalating and though some may say it is not my right I really do feel that enough is enough. I am probably the last person to get there too. My DH has 4 brothers and a sister and I'm pretty much the only inlaw that isn't outright hostile towards her. She has burned many a bridge.

I probably should not have mentioned the infertility and just stated that she is controlling, manipulative, physically and mentally abusive and emotionally draining. I think I would have gotten very different advice and commiseration. Because doesn't everyone have at least one emotional vampire in their family circle? I mentioned it though because I was hoping that someone would say this was either normal or there was specific help she could seek to help her better navigate family gatherings that are full of children and mothers.

As I said, I haven't spoken to her since the hospital but I am going to have to see her this Saturday. I am dreading it but at least now I feel I can keep my mouth shut.

But you did. And a lot of people do that. They don't even realize that they do, and they actually further alienate the person they think is horrible. I'm tired of all of the "horrible infertile person" posts.

Sure, it does push people to be passive aggressive because they are bombarded day in and day out ALL.THE.TIME with the constant message that they are incomplete because they are a mother (because, you know, that's the greatist thing you can be and you aren't really a woman until you are a mother and it's the best thing that anyone could ever do). ALL.THE.TIME.

I'm sorry, but you have no clue what that can do to a person over time.

I love how "mental illness" is our new catch-all scapegoat for everything. Instead of looking at, hey, wait a minute, maybe there are things that society does and that a lot of people do to alienate certain groups of people and how that makes them lash out, we instead say they must be mentally ill because they can't handle it.

Infertility is a big deal. It's a very difficult thing. And even women who had trouble getting pregnant but eventually did have a successful pregnant do not fully understand how it feels when the reality is that not only are you struggling with infertility but it is highly unlikely that you will win that battle.

As other PPs have said, we expect people to not talk about it and "be grateful you're an aunt!"

If you are having such a difficult time with your SIL, maybe she just doesn't like you or maybe she's just not nice and the infertility is irrelevant. But maybe the fact that you went out of your way to start off your post with identifying her infertility is a sign that you have made and continue to say things (perhaps without realizing it) that have contributed to how she behaves toward you.

If you didn't get along with her before you had kids and before she realized she was infertile, then what's the mystery? You just don't like each other. But even you framed the issue as having some connection to her infertility. That's disturbing.

So physical attacks, bullying elderly parents into giving money and emotionally abusing a postpartum mom is passive aggressive these days?

SIL and I had a very friendly relationship until the hospital incident. I even took her beating on me and let it go and excused it because of her grief over infertility. As I said this has been building to this point. As I also said I was the last of the ILs that she finally burned a bridge with. I have always been incredibly kind to her regarding her infertility.

You seem to be filling in a lot of blanks that aren't there and projecting your own situation onto mine. You want to paint my SIL with rose colored glasses and paint the rest of us as assholes. Which just isnt true. She is suffering and she wants everyone else to be miserable with her. She also wants to excuse all of her behavior with "well I'm infertile"

There is no way I could have talked out the situation I was having without mentioning that this has been building for years due to increasing anger and grief over infertility.

[Anonymous]

^sorry for the double post, not sure what happened

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I feel much hmmm I guess saner now that I was able to vent. As I said I needed to get it all out so I didn't explode on my SIL.

I usually just "grin and bear it" because I understand that she must be going through hell and also there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. But this past year and a half things have just been escalating and though some may say it is not my right I really do feel that enough is enough. I am probably the last person to get there too. My DH has 4 brothers and a sister and I'm pretty much the only inlaw that isn't outright hostile towards her. She has burned many a bridge.

I probably should not have mentioned the infertility and just stated that she is controlling, manipulative, physically and mentally abusive and emotionally draining. I think I would have gotten very different advice and commiseration. Because doesn't everyone have at least one emotional vampire in their family circle? I mentioned it though because I was hoping that someone would say this was either normal or there was specific help she could seek to help her better navigate family gatherings that are full of children and mothers.

As I said, I haven't spoken to her since the hospital but I am going to have to see her this Saturday. I am dreading it but at least now I feel I can keep my mouth shut.

But you did. And a lot of people do that. They don't even realize that they do, and they actually further alienate the person they think is horrible. I'm tired of all of the "horrible infertile person" posts.

Sure, it does push people to be passive aggressive because they are bombarded day in and day out ALL.THE.TIME with the constant message that they are incomplete because they are a mother (because, you know, that's the greatist thing you can be and you aren't really a woman until you are a mother and it's the best thing that anyone could ever do). ALL.THE.TIME.

I'm sorry, but you have no clue what that can do to a person over time.

I love how "mental illness" is our new catch-all scapegoat for everything. Instead of looking at, hey, wait a minute, maybe there are things that society does and that a lot of people do to alienate certain groups of people and how that makes them lash out, we instead say they must be mentally ill because they can't handle it.

Infertility is a big deal. It's a very difficult thing. And even women who had trouble getting pregnant but eventually did have a successful pregnant do not fully understand how it feels when the reality is that not only are you struggling with infertility but it is highly unlikely that you will win that battle.

As other PPs have said, we expect people to not talk about it and "be grateful you're an aunt!"

If you are having such a difficult time with your SIL, maybe she just doesn't like you or maybe she's just not nice and the infertility is irrelevant. But maybe the fact that you went out of your way to start off your post with identifying her infertility is a sign that you have made and continue to say things (perhaps without realizing it) that have contributed to how she behaves toward you.

If you didn't get along with her before you had kids and before she realized she was infertile, then what's the mystery? You just don't like each other. But even you framed the issue as having some connection to her infertility. That's disturbing.

So physical attacks, bullying elderly parents into giving money and emotionally abusing a postpartum mom is passive aggressive these days?

SIL and I had a very friendly relationship until the hospital incident. I even took her beating on me and let it go and excused it because of her grief over infertility. As I said this has been building to this point. As I also said I was the last of the ILs that she finally burned a bridge with. I have always been incredibly kind to her regarding her infertility.

You seem to be filling in a lot of blanks that aren't there and projecting your own situation onto mine. You want to paint my SIL with rose colored glasses and paint the rest of us as assholes. Which just isnt true. She is suffering and she wants everyone else to be miserable with her. She also wants to excuse all of her behavior with "well I'm infertile"

There is no way I could have talked out the situation I was having without mentioning that this has been building for years due to increasing anger and grief over infertility.

Honestly, OP, we all need to ignore the PPs like the one you just responded to. I am hoping it is just one person who is going through a massively bad time with infertility and has lost all perspective. There is NO excuse for the level of behavior your SIL has reached. There is no possible way a reasonable, balanced person could look at your original post and think that any amount of grief makes her behavior okay. It doesn't. Your family has been MORE than empathetic and tolerant. My hat is off to you; most people would have kicked SIL to the curb a long time ago. Anyone who puts any of this on you or your family is as disturbed as your poor SIL. And all this being said, I wish to goodness she would get herself some professional help.

[Anonymous]

Speaking as someone dealing with infertility, and not always dealing with it well, I have to say I support the OP in this case. Whereas the other thread about SIL being mean to the OP's baby just seems insane to me; and I think that the OP in that thread is just being horrible. Most people and DCUMers are able to detect nuance, and it is not necessary to lump together all the ladies dealing with infertility nor all the family members struggling to deal with those women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I feel much hmmm I guess saner now that I was able to vent. As I said I needed to get it all out so I didn't explode on my SIL.

I usually just "grin and bear it" because I understand that she must be going through hell and also there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. But this past year and a half things have just been escalating and though some may say it is not my right I really do feel that enough is enough. I am probably the last person to get there too. My DH has 4 brothers and a sister and I'm pretty much the only inlaw that isn't outright hostile towards her. She has burned many a bridge.

I probably should not have mentioned the infertility and just stated that she is controlling, manipulative, physically and mentally abusive and emotionally draining. I think I would have gotten very different advice and commiseration. Because doesn't everyone have at least one emotional vampire in their family circle? I mentioned it though because I was hoping that someone would say this was either normal or there was specific help she could seek to help her better navigate family gatherings that are full of children and mothers.

As I said, I haven't spoken to her since the hospital but I am going to have to see her this Saturday. I am dreading it but at least now I feel I can keep my mouth shut.

But you did. And a lot of people do that. They don't even realize that they do, and they actually further alienate the person they think is horrible. I'm tired of all of the "horrible infertile person" posts.

Sure, it does push people to be passive aggressive because they are bombarded day in and day out ALL.THE.TIME with the constant message that they are incomplete because they are a mother (because, you know, that's the greatist thing you can be and you aren't really a woman until you are a mother and it's the best thing that anyone could ever do). ALL.THE.TIME.

I'm sorry, but you have no clue what that can do to a person over time.

I love how "mental illness" is our new catch-all scapegoat for everything. Instead of looking at, hey, wait a minute, maybe there are things that society does and that a lot of people do to alienate certain groups of people and how that makes them lash out, we instead say they must be mentally ill because they can't handle it.

Infertility is a big deal. It's a very difficult thing. And even women who had trouble getting pregnant but eventually did have a successful pregnant do not fully understand how it feels when the reality is that not only are you struggling with infertility but it is highly unlikely that you will win that battle.

As other PPs have said, we expect people to not talk about it and "be grateful you're an aunt!"

If you are having such a difficult time with your SIL, maybe she just doesn't like you or maybe she's just not nice and the infertility is irrelevant. But maybe the fact that you went out of your way to start off your post with identifying her infertility is a sign that you have made and continue to say things (perhaps without realizing it) that have contributed to how she behaves toward you.

If you didn't get along with her before you had kids and before she realized she was infertile, then what's the mystery? You just don't like each other. But even you framed the issue as having some connection to her infertility. That's disturbing.

So physical attacks, bullying elderly parents into giving money and emotionally abusing a postpartum mom is passive aggressive these days?

SIL and I had a very friendly relationship until the hospital incident. I even took her beating on me and let it go and excused it because of her grief over infertility. As I said this has been building to this point. As I also said I was the last of the ILs that she finally burned a bridge with. I have always been incredibly kind to her regarding her infertility.

You seem to be filling in a lot of blanks that aren't there and projecting your own situation onto mine. You want to paint my SIL with rose colored glasses and paint the rest of us as assholes. Which just isnt true. She is suffering and she wants everyone else to be miserable with her. She also wants to excuse all of her behavior with "well I'm infertile"

There is no way I could have talked out the situation I was having without mentioning that this has been building for years due to increasing anger and grief over infertility.

Honestly, OP, we all need to ignore the PPs like the one you just responded to. I am hoping it is just one person who is going through a massively bad time with infertility and has lost all perspective. There is NO excuse for the level of behavior your SIL has reached. There is no possible way a reasonable, balanced person could look at your original post and think that any amount of grief makes her behavior okay. It doesn't. Your family has been MORE than empathetic and tolerant. My hat is off to you; most people would have kicked SIL to the curb a long time ago. Anyone who puts any of this on you or your family is as disturbed as your poor SIL. And all this being said, I wish to goodness she would get herself some professional help.

+1

I think it is the same person who admitted to calling troll earlier in the thread. Now that those posts have been deleted it looks like they are trying a different tactic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I feel much hmmm I guess saner now that I was able to vent. As I said I needed to get it all out so I didn't explode on my SIL.

I usually just "grin and bear it" because I understand that she must be going through hell and also there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. But this past year and a half things have just been escalating and though some may say it is not my right I really do feel that enough is enough. I am probably the last person to get there too. My DH has 4 brothers and a sister and I'm pretty much the only inlaw that isn't outright hostile towards her. She has burned many a bridge.

I probably should not have mentioned the infertility and just stated that she is controlling, manipulative, physically and mentally abusive and emotionally draining. I think I would have gotten very different advice and commiseration. Because doesn't everyone have at least one emotional vampire in their family circle? I mentioned it though because I was hoping that someone would say this was either normal or there was specific help she could seek to help her better navigate family gatherings that are full of children and mothers.

As I said, I haven't spoken to her since the hospital but I am going to have to see her this Saturday. I am dreading it but at least now I feel I can keep my mouth shut.

But you did. And a lot of people do that. They don't even realize that they do, and they actually further alienate the person they think is horrible. I'm tired of all of the "horrible infertile person" posts.

Sure, it does push people to be passive aggressive because they are bombarded day in and day out ALL.THE.TIME with the constant message that they are incomplete because they are a mother (because, you know, that's the greatist thing you can be and you aren't really a woman until you are a mother and it's the best thing that anyone could ever do). ALL.THE.TIME.

I'm sorry, but you have no clue what that can do to a person over time.

I love how "mental illness" is our new catch-all scapegoat for everything. Instead of looking at, hey, wait a minute, maybe there are things that society does and that a lot of people do to alienate certain groups of people and how that makes them lash out, we instead say they must be mentally ill because they can't handle it.

Infertility is a big deal. It's a very difficult thing. And even women who had trouble getting pregnant but eventually did have a successful pregnant do not fully understand how it feels when the reality is that not only are you struggling with infertility but it is highly unlikely that you will win that battle.

As other PPs have said, we expect people to not talk about it and "be grateful you're an aunt!"

If you are having such a difficult time with your SIL, maybe she just doesn't like you or maybe she's just not nice and the infertility is irrelevant. But maybe the fact that you went out of your way to start off your post with identifying her infertility is a sign that you have made and continue to say things (perhaps without realizing it) that have contributed to how she behaves toward you.

If you didn't get along with her before you had kids and before she realized she was infertile, then what's the mystery? You just don't like each other. But even you framed the issue as having some connection to her infertility. That's disturbing.

So physical attacks, bullying elderly parents into giving money and emotionally abusing a postpartum mom is passive aggressive these days?

SIL and I had a very friendly relationship until the hospital incident. I even took her beating on me and let it go and excused it because of her grief over infertility. As I said this has been building to this point. As I also said I was the last of the ILs that she finally burned a bridge with. I have always been incredibly kind to her regarding her infertility.

You seem to be filling in a lot of blanks that aren't there and projecting your own situation onto mine. You want to paint my SIL with rose colored glasses and paint the rest of us as assholes. Which just isnt true. She is suffering and she wants everyone else to be miserable with her. She also wants to excuse all of her behavior with "well I'm infertile"

There is no way I could have talked out the situation I was having without mentioning that this has been building for years due to increasing anger and grief over infertility.

I'm not projecting because none of my inlaws or extended relatives even know about my infertility story. And I have never done any of the things you say your SIL has done.

I also didn't paint your SIL with rose colored glasses.

But your story is mixed up. First, she's mean because she's infertile and you've endured it out of compassion for her situation, but she's pushing the limits. Then she is mean but using "infertility" as an excuse to behave badly.

I'm not sure she's "bullying" elderly parents into given money. She can say what she wants, and they can say no. We're talking about adults. And that doesn't involve you; it's between her and the parents.

If you don't like her and think she is a "bully" and mean and behaves badly, then distance yourself from her. Your an adult. You qualify everything with "I've always been incredibly kind to her regarding infertility." I don't know what that means. Do you want a cookie?

If she doesn't something you're upset about, holding a grudge but not saying anything to her isn't "being kind." It's passive aggressive. If you are bothered by something she does and you aren't willing to let it go, then you should tell her and then if you reach a standstill, then distance yourself from her.

You need to separate the infertility issue with the relationship issue. That's my point. It sounds like you are just as guilty as she is of making all of these disagreements about her infertility, instead of about your relationship, disputes or wrongs that have gone unaddressed, et cetera.

[Anonymous]

She sounds nuts. I would just avoid her.

[Anonymous]

^^^ sorry about all of my typos.