Supporting my adult sister
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Anonymous
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My younger sister has never been super responsible. People like to joke that we grew up in different households because we have entirely different outlooks on life. She's messy, I'm tidy, etc, etc...you get it. But that "joke" isn't so funny anymore now that she's 30 and still expecting the world to let her get away with everything.
I've been financially supporting her for years in some way or another but for the past year, she's actually been living with me and my son. While she had a small income, that was basically her "shopping money" for fun stuff. She did occasionally help with babysitting. While I appreciated that, it became harder and harder to come home from work and immediately have to start cleaning up after 2 people. My son used to be great at chores but her terrible example has mostly depleted his good habits of picking up after himself. She refused to pitch in with housework, even when I specifically asked for one thing ("just by the end of the day, it would really help me out"), electing to lay around the house on her phone all day. I finally sat down and had a big talk with her last month, told her this wasn't working and she needed to find her own place. It took a while (mostly because she was wildly unrealistic about the kind of housing she could find) but she finally got a place nearby. I was so relieved we worked it out and she could stay in our lives. Well, moving day has come and gone and her stuff is still everywhere. She keeps pushing the move back, saying she doesn't have time (yes she does) and asking for more money to cover this and that expense. I'm going completely insane stepping over her piles of junk. If you saw my living room, you would think someone was in the middle of packing but ran out to grab coffee. Nope, it has looked like this for weeks now. Of course, any time I try to bring up how unhappy and anxious this whole thing is making me, she tells me to calm down, she's handling it, and by the way, I need therapy. Our mother keeps sending me nasty texts, telling me to stop "bullying" my sister, that "this is just the way she is," and I have to just accept it and help her out. On top of everything, she missed the tax filing deadline for the 4th year in a row. Last year, I had to pay hundreds of dollars to the IRS for her, even though I'm pretty sure she should have a refund (that would definitely help with moving expenses, don't ya think?) I'm honestly not just here to vent. Does anyone else have a situation like this with family? I love her and want her in my life but I can't take this anymore. I have an actual child to support and my sister's careless attitude is making me angrier every day. My anxiety is through the roof and I hate being at my own house, living in her transitional pigsty. And of course I'm dreading the next time she comes to me with her hand out. How do I break this cycle? |
Anonymous
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Wow, sounds like everyone's expecting you to continue enabling your sister.
I would sit down with her once again and tell her you love her, but she needs (!) to vacate the premises completely by [firm date]. Offer to help her move, give her a housewarming present, but no more money and no more extensions. She's thirty! Time to grow up. |
Anonymous
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So does she actually have the apartment? Does she stay tree or with you? Assuming she does have the apartment I'd probably box her stuff up and get it over there.
I can relate, op. I have a similar situation, though not as bad. My sister is in her 40's. She's super smart and well-educated, but does what she wants and is politically active, but there's no pay. She's living off her inheritance as our parents have passed, but it's not a huge amount and won't last into a retirement. She's in the family home that we co-own. She pays no rent, and I've been paying half the property taxes which is thousands of dollars each year. It's making me angry as she makes no real attempt to get an actual paying job. I wish I had better advice for you. I totally empathize! You're doing the right thing by getting her out and forcing her to take care of herself. I'm sorry your mom is getting in on the act though - sounds like she's quite an enabler. |
Anonymous
| OP here: yup, she has the place but just isn't actually putting her stuff in boxes to get it all over there. It's just piles and piles of things everywhere. As far as I know, she doesn't even have a truck rented. I've offered to help her pack many times and asked what I can do to assist in the actual move, but she just waves me off (which is her way of saying she has no plan and doesn't feel like making one at the moment). |
Anonymous
| At this point I would honestly get some big boxes or bins and just dump everything in there and move it to her car. Or hell, your car, just to get it there. I know it is one more case of you helping her but for your sanity it might be worth it. Don't ask her and don't wait. Put it all in when she isn't home and when she gets home tell her "let's go" |
Anonymous
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1 - check with the landlord/tenant office or laws in your area and see if she qualifies as a tenant and if you would need to follow a formal eviction process if it comes to that.
2- Get boxes and start boxing up her stuff. There will be yelling. There will be tears. There will be crying. Just keep packing. Do not scream and yell back. Pick a mantra and learn to say it in a even tone voice something like "I know growing up is hard. It's tough to move on. I will miss you being here too but you will be close by. I know you can do this. You have to do this" 3 - Either ignore mom's text or reply with reality " Mom, sister and you are bullying me. Please stop trying to guilt me into doing something that is inappropriate just because it makes it easier on you both." or "I am happy to help sister move into your house mom. We can be there this Sat or Sun Or "I know growing up is hard. It's tough to move on. I will miss sister being here too but she will be close by. I know she can do this. She has to do this" 4 - If you feel consumed with guilt or simply can't take action, seek out a therapist to help you with your feelings and help you develop healthy boundaries with your family. |
Anonymous
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OP here: I just texted her to let her know she needed to come home and start packing or I would do it for her. She immediately replied (which is uncommon for her, she usually takes hours to respond) "DO NOT TOUCH MY STUFF! BACK THE F OFF." I responded that she had until the end of the day tomorrow to get it all out or I would handle it the quickest, easiest way possible.
Of course, now I feel sick and anxious. Aside from the fact that I probably have to spend another next 2 days looking at this mess (which might get worse, depending on her actions), there is bad blood and tension. I don't understand why I can't have an adult relationship with my adult sister. This whole thing makes me want to crawl in bed and not come out until Tuesday morning. |
Anonymous
| Is she sleeping over there? Has she moved anything over yet? Sorry, op. I think things are just going to suck for a bit. This isn't your doing. She needs to grow up and hopefully this will help get her there. |
Anonymous
Hugs OP. Both your mom and sister are toxic. Don't let either bully you. Text her back and tell her she had plenty of time and she needs to be out by the end of the day. Pack her shit. Leave it outside. Change the locks. Cut her off. She's an adult that needs to pay her own way. This is the fastest way to get her out. There will be telling for a day but better a day than for her to drag it out forever. And as long as she stays - her awful Ness will rub off on your son. You need to be strong. |
Anonymous
| I would get her stuff in my car and take it over there this minute. Do not let this go on another day. |
Anonymous
OP here: this is kind of another great part to the story...she has a boyfriend...who apparently is not at all interested in helping her out with this process. But anyway, she stays with him a lot and has been just leaving her mess here while she disappears to his place for days. |
Anonymous
Wow, op. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I wish I knew you IRL, I'd come help pack it all up! Hugs. |
Anonymous
He's not helping because she doesn't actually want to move. I'm not joking. Get her stuff out yourself and change the locks. She will never leave on her own. She's a leech and treats you like a doormat because you let her. |
Anonymous
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It will be time and money well spent to get her stuff out. I'm sorry about the inevitable backlash. Hopefully it won't last too long. Don't lend her money in the future. |
Anonymous
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OP here: the word "lend" implies she will pay me back. I definitely won't hold my breath on that one.
She won't pick up her phone now, so I have zero idea when she will be back or what she plans to do. This is just like her, by the way...she does this withholding silent treatment thing when people call her out or ask her to account for her behavior. I don't want there to be a whole "stuff outside, locks changed" scene. It doesn't need to get that dramatic, especially with a child living in the house. But it's possible I might have to move her out myself, just to reclaim my house from her mountains of junk. I really REALLY resent this, especially since the whole reason she's here in the first place is because I was trying to help. Lesson learned on my part, I guess. And yeah, giving her any more money is out of the question. |