Supporting my adult sister

[Anonymous]

OP, you should take heart from the rare DCUM consensus. You're on the right path. Keep us updated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I just texted her to let her know she needed to come home and start packing or I would do it for her. She immediately replied (which is uncommon for her, she usually takes hours to respond) "DO NOT TOUCH MY STUFF! BACK THE F OFF." I responded that she had until the end of the day tomorrow to get it all out or I would handle it the quickest, easiest way possible.

Of course, now I feel sick and anxious. Aside from the fact that I probably have to spend another next 2 days looking at this mess (which might get worse, depending on her actions), there is bad blood and tension. I don't understand why I can't have an adult relationship with my adult sister. This whole thing makes me want to crawl in bed and not come out until Tuesday morning.

It's perfectly fine for you to pack up her stuff. Just because she becomes hysterical doesn't mean you stop the process of moving her out.

Sadly, your lifelong technique of believing that if you just do this next very nice thing your mom and sister will suddenly love you, apologize for being jerks and change isn't going to happen. The only thing you can change is your own behavior.

Lastly, if you have a child, you need to think of your child and ask yourself if you would want your child to act like you in the future as an adult. Your child is learning from watching you.

[Anonymous]

Get some boxes and pack it up...

[Anonymous]

OP - companies like 2 Marines and a Truck and 2 Guys With a Truck don't charge much for packing and moving services. If you're overwhelmed and don't want to reach out to friends, just pay someone to do it. It would be worth getting the peace back in your house.

Your house should be your and your child's sanctuary, not your sister's trash dump.

[Anonymous]

I would never take someone like you sister at her word without seeing the lease, address & keys.

[Anonymous]

Hire the truck and movers for next weekend. Tell your sister the date.

Box up her stuff.

When the movers arrive, be there to be sure it is all loaded up. Tell your sister that she better be there ensuring her stuff is gone and directing them at the new apt.

Pay the bill for the movers and stop giving your sister any cash at all for anything else.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn't have a place, she should move in with mom, not you.

[Anonymous]

How far away is your mother's house ? Send all her stuff there. I think you are being a nice person if you pack it up. Your other option is to throw all her stuff away in the trash.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I bet she's lying about a lot to you. Have you ever met the boyfriend? I would pack the stuff up and tell her she has until Saturday. The stuff will be at the curb. Return the key immediately.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't have an adult relationship with your sister because she is not an adult. For your sake and that of your child, get her stuff out now, change the locks, and get into some therapy for yourself so you can work past this dynamic.

You deserve better and you won't get that until you fully accept and move past your role in everything. I say that with deep empathy-I used to be masochistic in much the way you are-and it took many years to learn a different way of being, but it is possible. I have faith in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course, any time I try to bring up how unhappy and anxious this whole thing is making me, she tells me to calm down, she's handling it, and by the way, I need therapy. Our mother keeps sending me nasty texts, telling me to stop "bullying" my sister, that "this is just the way she is," and I have to just accept it and help her out.

OP I think this was a mistake based on how you describe your sister. She isn't an equal that you can confide in: ("I'm feeling unhappy and anxious") She's less mature and responsible than you, so you need to keep it more straightforward: ("I need you to move out. What can I do to help you with this?")

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course, any time I try to bring up how unhappy and anxious this whole thing is making me, she tells me to calm down, she's handling it, and by the way, I need therapy. Our mother keeps sending me nasty texts, telling me to stop "bullying" my sister, that "this is just the way she is," and I have to just accept it and help her out.

OP I think this was a mistake based on how you describe your sister. She isn't an equal that you can confide in: ("I'm feeling unhappy and anxious") She's less mature and responsible than you, so you need to keep it more straightforward: ("I need you to move out. What can I do to help you with this?")

Uh no that won't work. The sister is a bitch and a leech. Op needs to say- 'you have until the end of the day to get your stuff out of the house. After that I will get rid of it.'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of those storage places have "$1 for the first month" deals. Get one of those if your sister hasn't moved her stuff out by tomorrow. That way, the bulk of the things (the furniture can wait till later) will be safe. Tell your sister you'll close the storage out when the month ends so she needs to get her things out before then.

This is a great idea.

OP, no more gifts of money to your sister. Your mother can give her money. Even if nobody gives her money, you need to turn the tap off. If she complains, say, " you know why I have money? Because I go to work. Even on days I don't feel like it. Sorry, but you're plenty old enough give self-supporting. I have to save for DCs college and for my retirement." Then stand firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here once again: does anyone think I'm being a total jerk about this? I'm honestly fighting back panic attacks every time I walk into my house and lay fresh eyes on the mess. I'm one of those people whose mood is deeply affected by my house being dirty or disorganized. She knows this. I've been like this our whole lives.

And yet I hear her on the phone at least once a day with our mother, laughing about what a bitch I am for "needing the house to look perfect all the time." They keep saying I need to go to therapy for my "control issues" and that I'm OCD. Like...fine, I'm a bit meticulous but if I were living for free in someone's house, I'd definitely try to keep things to their standards. Am I really being a bitch?

LMAO

OP, tell you sister to go live with your mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get some boxes and pack it up...

If you need boxes, I can get you plenty of free ones from my work - copy paper boxes, perfect for moving.