Supporting my adult sister

[Anonymous]

Is your dad in the picture? How did this dynamic evolve?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why doesn't your sister move in with your mother?

OP here: I actually asked both of them about this but she basically falls into the same category as the boyfriend: not there to help, just...there, I guess.

I know people are getting frustrated with me, telling me to grow a backbone, etc. But this is the role I've played in my family for a long time. I'm the "bummer" who follows rules and wants things done a certain way...and my mother and sister are the fun girls who roll their eyes at me. So I guess I've gotten in a bad habit myself (that is, assuming I'm the problem and just need to chill out).

I'm on my way back home now and she's supposed to meet me there to start packing. I've dropped my son off at his friends' house to keep him away from the inevitable drama. I'll keep everyone posted. Thanks so much for the support today. I can't wait to have my house back.

So you're saying they treat you like shit, but you don't want to grow a backbone because that's the way it's always been? (and that's the way it always should be?)

w.t.f. You need to get therapy as well. OP - you seem wonderful, but your martyrdom is not healthy for either you or your sun. You are teaching your sun that it's okay to walk all over people or have them walk all over you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why doesn't your sister move in with your mother?

OP here: I actually asked both of them about this but she basically falls into the same category as the boyfriend: not there to help, just...there, I guess.

I know people are getting frustrated with me, telling me to grow a backbone, etc. But this is the role I've played in my family for a long time. I'm the "bummer" who follows rules and wants things done a certain way...and my mother and sister are the fun girls who roll their eyes at me. So I guess I've gotten in a bad habit myself (that is, assuming I'm the problem and just need to chill out).

I'm on my way back home now and she's supposed to meet me there to start packing. I've dropped my son off at his friends' house to keep him away from the inevitable drama. I'll keep everyone posted. Thanks so much for the support today. I can't wait to have my house back.

So you're saying they treat you like shit, but you don't want to grow a backbone because that's the way it's always been? (and that's the way it always should be?)

w.t.f. You need to get therapy as well. OP - you seem wonderful, but your martyrdom is not healthy for either you or your sun. You are teaching your sun that it's okay to walk all over people or have them walk all over you.

hahha. I can't spell

*son

[Anonymous]

Yup, your choices are clear. Your sister will NEVER change.

Either do something to change your situation or make peace with it and shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup, your choices are clear. Your sister will NEVER change.

Either do something to change your situation or make peace with it and shut up.

I know this is DCUM and all, but until you and pp showed up, it's been a supportive thread for op. No need to be an ass to make your point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup, your choices are clear. Your sister will NEVER change.

Either do something to change your situation or make peace with it and shut up.

I know this is DCUM and all, but until you and pp showed up, it's been a supportive thread for op. No need to be an ass to make your point.

I support the OP making her situation better. I don't support her inaction and woe is me attitude. That's what got her there.

[Anonymous]

You are enabling. You need to cut the cord. Tell her her stuff needs to be out by x date. If it's not, put it on your lawn. I hope you aren't paying for the new place. She needs to get a job and grown up.

[Anonymous]

Op you asked how do you stop this? You just STOP! You face the fact that both your mother and your sister seem to care very little that they hurt you and your child. You are taking from your child to support a selfish adult. Both your mother and your sister have no problem taking from your child.

Never give either of them money ever again. Ever.
This is your first step to having a backbone. You fail not just to yourself but as a parent when you give them resources (money and time).

Give very little of your time to them. You need to see and hear from them a lot less. You need to find friends away from these two.

" I love her and want her in my life but I can't take this anymore." "I don't understand why I can't have an adult relationship with my adult sister." "This is just like her, by the way...she does this withholding silent treatment thing when people call her out or ask her to account for her behavior. "

You are chasing your mother and your sister for love that it sounds like they never gave you. You don't matter as much to them. Your child certainly doesn't matter very much to them if they treat you this way. If they cared about you and your child they wouldn't take money and resources away from you. You are robbing from the child you are responsible for to support this selfish adult

Isn't it telling that your mother isn't supporting this woman-baby?

I don't believe that your sister has a place to move to. You will probably need to evict her. Your comment about not wanting a scene sounds good superficially but I'm thinking it may be your way of avoiding the confrontation that is necessary. It is telling that you are anxious and sad more than angry at your mother and sister.

[Anonymous]

Does she have some kind of mental illness or disability that makes her unable to support herself? Pay her own bills? Manage her own household? Or does she have some kind of personality disorder?
Second the suggestion for the College Hunks Moving. They will even pack for you. They come in, you point at what needs to go...and it goes on the truck and is gone.

[Anonymous]

No!! You are not being a bitch!! Your sister and mom are bitches. Who talks about their kid like that? My God, I can't even begin to inagine the emotional abuse you've taken, and you don't even realize it.
Pack up your sisters stuff in trash bags of she's not there to help. Change your locks. Of course she will blame you, but don't feel guilty. Honestly, what is she adding to your life? You've done your part. It's time for her to move on and grow up. This will probabky damage your relationship, but really what are you getting from it? Sounds like you give and give.
Do not feel guilty!!

[Anonymous]

Pack up her crap, tell her she has 2 weeks to get it or make a play for it. Then drop it off at your parents hours or put it in storage and tell her to pay the bill or she loses it.

Stop financially supporting her.

[Anonymous]

Many of those storage places have "$1 for the first month" deals. Get one of those if your sister hasn't moved her stuff out by tomorrow. That way, the bulk of the things (the furniture can wait till later) will be safe. Tell your sister you'll close the storage out when the month ends so she needs to get her things out before then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why doesn't your sister move in with your mother?

OP here: I actually asked both of them about this but she basically falls into the same category as the boyfriend: not there to help, just...there, I guess.

I know people are getting frustrated with me, telling me to grow a backbone, etc. But this is the role I've played in my family for a long time. I'm the "bummer" who follows rules and wants things done a certain way...and my mother and sister are the fun girls who roll their eyes at me. So I guess I've gotten in a bad habit myself (that is, assuming I'm the problem and just need to chill out).

I'm on my way back home now and she's supposed to meet me there to start packing. I've dropped my son off at his friends' house to keep him away from the inevitable drama. I'll keep everyone posted. Thanks so much for the support today. I can't wait to have my house back.

Good for you, OP!! You're doing the right thing. Stay strong! I know it's scary and feels confrontational, but you can do this. We are all pulling for you to get her out of your house!!

[Anonymous]

OP needs therapy for anxiety and to learn to set boundaries. I suspect sis is a narcissist, maybe borderline. Check out walking on egg shells.

you need your sis and mom out of life now. Trash bag stuff and have movers kick it all to curb. Change locks. Block sis AND moms number. And be sure schools know to not release your son to either of them.

And see therapist as soon as you start down this path. Your anxiety is causing you to seek order and control the chaos in your sis life, but you can't do anxiety grows.

[Anonymous]

Be strong OP!