SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is 10 and DH wants me to work full time. I don’t want to. Has anyone successfully changed a spouse’s mind on this? Our lifestyle is modest and I am not spendy. We have plenty of money. I just want to be there for the kids, keep the house organized and cook dinners in peace. Is that so bad?

With this Covid I would have quit to be home with them. Especially now things may get worse in the fall/winter. Plus OP you can always find work in your lifetime, but your kids are only young once. Enjoy the time with them. Something I did, and the best decision I made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is 10 and DH wants me to work full time. I don’t want to. Has anyone successfully changed a spouse’s mind on this? Our lifestyle is modest and I am not spendy. We have plenty of money. I just want to be there for the kids, keep the house organized and cook dinners in peace. Is that so bad?

With this Covid I would have quit to be home with them. Especially now things may get worse in the fall/winter. Plus OP you can always find work in your lifetime, but your kids are only young once. Enjoy the time with them. Something I did, and the best decision I made.

Of course, they’re only young once. But the whole point of them growing up is so they can move out and be a productive citizen in society. What does it matter if you aren’t with them the whole day? I was an only child who had to entertain and play by myself and turned out fine. I’ve published research and am in a respectable profession with no weird abandonment issues like what DCUM seems to think of children who don’t have their parents’ attention 24/7. Children need to learn to be self- sufficient and not think the world revolves around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading the thread men who are incapable of caretaking because the original poster is about to get surgery and her husband has no idea how to do anything in his house to help her is a stark reminder that you are the only person in your household who is cooking cleaning and doing laundry and taking care of the kids it can absolutely bite you in the ass if you're taken out of commission and your spouse is a totally incapable of picking up slack

I know right! I also wonder what happens if the SAHM gets struck by cancer or dies, how will the husband cope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is 10 and DH wants me to work full time. I don’t want to. Has anyone successfully changed a spouse’s mind on this? Our lifestyle is modest and I am not spendy. We have plenty of money. I just want to be there for the kids, keep the house organized and cook dinners in peace. Is that so bad?

With this Covid I would have quit to be home with them. Especially now things may get worse in the fall/winter. Plus OP you can always find work in your lifetime, but your kids are only young once. Enjoy the time with them. Something I did, and the best decision I made.

Of course, they’re only young once. But the whole point of them growing up is so they can move out and be a productive citizen in society. What does it matter if you aren’t with them the whole day? I was an only child who had to entertain and play by myself and turned out fine. I’ve published research and am in a respectable profession with no weird abandonment issues like what DCUM seems to think of children who don’t have their parents’ attention 24/7. Children need to learn to be self- sufficient and not think the world revolves around them.

Sounds like you're making excuses for parental neglect and refusal to give you a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading the thread men who are incapable of caretaking because the original poster is about to get surgery and her husband has no idea how to do anything in his house to help her is a stark reminder that you are the only person in your household who is cooking cleaning and doing laundry and taking care of the kids it can absolutely bite you in the ass if you're taken out of commission and your spouse is a totally incapable of picking up slack

I know right! I also wonder what happens if the SAHM gets struck by cancer or dies, how will the husband cope?

It's a lot easier to be part of a larger community if you have more leisure time. This is part of the reason I quit my job. My cousin (a SAHM) died, and a whole community of friends and relatives stepped in to help raise their children. It made me realize how isolated we were with both of us working all of the time.

[Anonymous]

Did not have to convince my DH for me to stay at home. Now that my youngest is leaving for college, I am going to start thinking about what I would like to do with the free time. My DH and I would like to travel and I would like to spend more time with my mom and my siblings who live in another country. He still has a few years left before retirement, so for the next 6 years we would like to travel, help the older kids settle (marriage etc) and deal with the inevitable life events that keep popping up. We do not plan to downsize and will probably continue to stay at our current house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading the thread men who are incapable of caretaking because the original poster is about to get surgery and her husband has no idea how to do anything in his house to help her is a stark reminder that you are the only person in your household who is cooking cleaning and doing laundry and taking care of the kids it can absolutely bite you in the ass if you're taken out of commission and your spouse is a totally incapable of picking up slack

I know right! I also wonder what happens if the SAHM gets struck by cancer or dies, how will the husband cope?

It's a lot easier to be part of a larger community if you have more leisure time. This is part of the reason I quit my job. My cousin (a SAHM) died, and a whole community of friends and relatives stepped in to help raise their children. It made me realize how isolated we were with both of us working all of the time.

Are you part of an immigrant community? I can see that happening with immigrant families but not Anglo ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is 10 and DH wants me to work full time. I don’t want to. Has anyone successfully changed a spouse’s mind on this? Our lifestyle is modest and I am not spendy. We have plenty of money. I just want to be there for the kids, keep the house organized and cook dinners in peace. Is that so bad?

With this Covid I would have quit to be home with them. Especially now things may get worse in the fall/winter. Plus OP you can always find work in your lifetime, but your kids are only young once. Enjoy the time with them. Something I did, and the best decision I made.

Of course, they’re only young once. But the whole point of them growing up is so they can move out and be a productive citizen in society. What does it matter if you aren’t with them the whole day? I was an only child who had to entertain and play by myself and turned out fine. I’ve published research and am in a respectable profession with no weird abandonment issues like what DCUM seems to think of children who don’t have their parents’ attention 24/7. Children need to learn to be self- sufficient and not think the world revolves around them.

Sounds like you're making excuses for parental neglect and refusal to give you a sibling.

I’m not making excuses. I think a lot of what parents worry about is greatly exaggerated. You don’t have to agree with me but you do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading the thread men who are incapable of caretaking because the original poster is about to get surgery and her husband has no idea how to do anything in his house to help her is a stark reminder that you are the only person in your household who is cooking cleaning and doing laundry and taking care of the kids it can absolutely bite you in the ass if you're taken out of commission and your spouse is a totally incapable of picking up slack

I know right! I also wonder what happens if the SAHM gets struck by cancer or dies, how will the husband cope?

It's a lot easier to be part of a larger community if you have more leisure time. This is part of the reason I quit my job. My cousin (a SAHM) died, and a whole community of friends and relatives stepped in to help raise their children. It made me realize how isolated we were with both of us working all of the time.

Are you part of an immigrant community? I can see that happening with immigrant families but not Anglo ones.

No. We are involved with our church though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did not have to convince my DH for me to stay at home. Now that my youngest is leaving for college, I am going to start thinking about what I would like to do with the free time. My DH and I would like to travel and I would like to spend more time with my mom and my siblings who live in another country. He still has a few years left before retirement, so for the next 6 years we would like to travel, help the older kids settle (marriage etc) and deal with the inevitable life events that keep popping up. We do not plan to downsize and will probably continue to stay at our current house.

So in other words, you have nothing to contribute to the topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The rich SAHMs dropping off their kids at private school in black SUVs on their way to yoga in their Lululemon pants are a statistically insignificant number of SAHMs, but that's always what gets all the attention here on DCUM. Most SAHMs are middle class, married to medium-earning DHs who stay at home because their salaries wouldn't cover the cost of childcare, not because they're married to rich guys and money is no object. I guess that's not as much fun to snark on.

Actually for them it makes the most sense to work; the daycare years are limited, so you spend ten years maybe breaking even, but then have 30 years of working life built on that 10 years to grow a career. The very reason they don’t have a breadwinner makes working even more important

Nope not necessarily true, and they want to raise their children. You're very out of touch with women, PP. Btw, I'm surprised your high-class life didn't teach you how to use commas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Muslim women don't have to deal with this decision. Our men take care of us. It's a religious obligation. My husband has always been supportive of whatever I want to do. A lot of people have suggested I work part-time, but I realized PT is a pain too. You spend all your free time working, and then you're on as soon as the kids come home at 3 pm. Your husband doesn't help out nearly as much you envisioned. Both working and staying home suck. There's a reason middle-aged women are so unhappy in the US.

Muslim women deal with this decision all the time when their husbands don't make enough money. I mean anyone can stay home if you're content with being poor.

Let's also address a little-known detail that Islam doesn't have a concept of marital property; when your husband divorces you, you go out of his house with whatever you brought in and your mahr. Whatever he made during the marriage is his and his alone. No split assets, no alimony. Three months of maintenance to make sure you aren't with child, and off you go.

Maybe in Saudi, but that's not how it works in the US. And that's where we all live right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The rich SAHMs dropping off their kids at private school in black SUVs on their way to yoga in their Lululemon pants are a statistically insignificant number of SAHMs, but that's always what gets all the attention here on DCUM. Most SAHMs are middle class, married to medium-earning DHs who stay at home because their salaries wouldn't cover the cost of childcare, not because they're married to rich guys and money is no object. I guess that's not as much fun to snark on.

Actually for them it makes the most sense to work; the daycare years are limited, so you spend ten years maybe breaking even, but then have 30 years of working life built on that 10 years to grow a career. The very reason they don’t have a breadwinner makes working even more important

Nope not necessarily true, and they want to raise their children. You're very out of touch with women, PP. Btw, I'm surprised your high-class life didn't teach you how to use commas.

Here’s the thing… these SAHMs raise children for x number of years but what are they going to do after those years? They have no identity beyond being their children’s maid, cook, and chauffeur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The rich SAHMs dropping off their kids at private school in black SUVs on their way to yoga in their Lululemon pants are a statistically insignificant number of SAHMs, but that's always what gets all the attention here on DCUM. Most SAHMs are middle class, married to medium-earning DHs who stay at home because their salaries wouldn't cover the cost of childcare, not because they're married to rich guys and money is no object. I guess that's not as much fun to snark on.

Actually for them it makes the most sense to work; the daycare years are limited, so you spend ten years maybe breaking even, but then have 30 years of working life built on that 10 years to grow a career. The very reason they don’t have a breadwinner makes working even more important

Nope not necessarily true, and they want to raise their children. You're very out of touch with women, PP. Btw, I'm surprised your high-class life didn't teach you how to use commas.

Here’s the thing… these SAHMs raise children for x number of years but what are they going to do after those years? They have no identity beyond being their children’s maid, cook, and chauffeur.

Women aren’t defined by jobs. A female lawyer or doctor doesn’t stop becoming the individual she is when she retires. The same thing for a SAHM. I’m more than just my job in the home - I have valuable friendships, I volunteer in my community, I’m in a book club with a mix of working and non-working moms, I am active in my religious organization, I care for my pets and elderly family members. Those enriching aspects of my life don’t just end when my kids go off to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The rich SAHMs dropping off their kids at private school in black SUVs on their way to yoga in their Lululemon pants are a statistically insignificant number of SAHMs, but that's always what gets all the attention here on DCUM. Most SAHMs are middle class, married to medium-earning DHs who stay at home because their salaries wouldn't cover the cost of childcare, not because they're married to rich guys and money is no object. I guess that's not as much fun to snark on.

Actually for them it makes the most sense to work; the daycare years are limited, so you spend ten years maybe breaking even, but then have 30 years of working life built on that 10 years to grow a career. The very reason they don’t have a breadwinner makes working even more important

Nope not necessarily true, and they want to raise their children. You're very out of touch with women, PP. Btw, I'm surprised your high-class life didn't teach you how to use commas.

Here’s the thing… these SAHMs raise children for x number of years but what are they going to do after those years? They have no identity beyond being their children’s maid, cook, and chauffeur.

Women aren’t defined by jobs. A female lawyer or doctor doesn’t stop becoming the individual she is when she retires. The same thing for a SAHM. I’m more than just my job in the home - I have valuable friendships, I volunteer in my community, I’m in a book club with a mix of working and non-working moms, I am active in my religious organization, I care for my pets and elderly family members. Those enriching aspects of my life don’t just end when my kids go off to college.

+1. I am a WOHM and work as a physician. I talk to a lot of people about their feelings and struggles. IME, people who have one way of defining themselves, whatever that is, really do struggle when that thing ends. It doesn't matter if it's being a doctor or a parent or a beauty queen. (Usually the people who define themselves by their job are men, but that might be changing.) Most people, like pp, are multidimensional with varied interests, identities, and social outlets.