DD's Soon to be step-grandfather has a creepy vibe IMO. Trying not to prejudice child, but WWYD?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Ex-husband is engaged to a woman in her 40s who did not have children and despite their attempts at fertility treatment seems unlikely to have a baby of their own. They are not good candidates for adoption. The soon to be stepmom's parents are divorced and seem to be in a battle to outdo each other as step-grandparent of the year. They lavish gifts and attention on DD. DD relays some things about step-grandfather's behavior that give me the creeps, but nothing is clearly objectionable. It's more the sense that the amount of attention and money spent is inappropriate for a non-related male to give a pre-teen girl. DD returned from a weekend stay with an IPhone that "Pap" bought her for Christmas. Ex-husband and I had when DD first asked for a phone agreed that even basic cell phones were for middle schoolers not ES students and smartphones were for college students. I pick my battles so I decided that I wouldn't object wholesale to the phone, but DD could not use it at my house/when she's in my custody. I took the phone to put up until DD's next visitation. It buzzed while in my hand and there was this text message "How's my baby girl? Love, Pap."
I never before understood why people said their blood ran cold, but that is how I felt. I went through the phone and didn't see anything worse, just a picture of "Pap" and DD from a recent visit to NYC and that one text. I switched off the phone altogether and it is sitting in my purse.DD is super-compliant and has not questioned my taking the phone. We have spoken generally about stranger danger and inappropriate touching by anyone of any age. I don't want to prejudice DD against her future step-grandfather, but calling her "baby girl" just feels like grooming to me. To be honest, I don't even like that he has her calling him "Pap" when they are not related yet. WWYD? Ex-husband and I do not have a good co-parenting relationship. We are currently in a pretty serious disagreement about 3 other matters that I think are safety/security related and I know that he will say that I am being paranoid and overprotective. |
Anonymous
| I don't see grooming, sorry. Inappropriate and too much perhaps but grooming??? |
Anonymous
|
You need to have this discussion anyway.
Leave out the guy. Talk to her about grooming and trust with adults and how abuse starts. I have explained this to my 10 year old. I was abused and don't want that to happen to my kids. Give scenarios involvzing brothers, cousins, teachers, grandpas. Abusers start touching and pretend it's innocent. Put her on guard for that behavior |
Anonymous
| Perhaps the step grandparents are over eager and too lavish with their gifts. But that doesn't make them child molesters. |
Anonymous
|
Just watch. Don't say anything to anyone yet, including your DD. When she comes over, take the phone away and check apps, photos, email and texts.
Who is paying the bill for the phone? Can you get access to the bill to cross check texts sent and numbers called/received. Meanwhile, increase the talk about no one being allowed to touch her private areas. That she can always talk to you (and you won't be mad) or a school counselor or the doctor or teacher if someone is touching her in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable. Also talk about how girls (and people in general) are allowed to say no to any touching or anything else that makes them feel uncomfortable. Empower her to say no and be listened to. Try not to show that you are mad about something Dad or his family did as this will make her less likely to tell you things in the future. Stranger danger talk is important, but not so helpful to peotect against assault as most assaults are by a friend or family member. This would give me the creeps too. |
Anonymous
|
Wow, that is SO wrong on so many levels. When DH and I were first seriously dating, his then-15 year old daughter had a similar text from his ex's new live-in-boyfriend. "Hi, baby girl, good luck on your text today. Sending love and all the right answers." At first I thought maybe it was actually his ex typing on her boyfriend's phone or some thing because I couldn't believe any man in his late 40's would think that was an appropriate text to an unrelated teenager. DH checked her FB and saw that the creep had friended her and sent a bunch of similar affectionate messages. Mind you, he and her mom had only been dating a couple of months and he had just moved in.
DH decide this was worth a small war. He wrote to his ex and said that it was clear that her new bF had no sense of appropriate boundaries with a teen girl and that he wanted them to have no social media or electronic contact. He also said he was prepared to go fe full custody (he had 50/50) if he heard even a hint that the man was inappropriate in person in terms of nudity or intruding on her privacy in any way. It was a battle b/c the ex made everything a battle but she let it slip that she had not been aware that he was texting their daughter. Long story short, they got married, daughter came to live with us full time, they got divorced, and he died from complications of a heroin overdose. But I digress. This is a serious red flag that I would go to battle ever. "Phil, I hope we can both agree that unrelated adult men should not be texting our daughter. Would you please ask Mr. Creeper to refrain from private electronic communication with our daughter?" If he doesn't respond in agreement, at the very least I'd set up electronic monitoring on her phone while you have it. Have you locked down the phone and set up parental controls? |
Anonymous
|
Hmm. I don't see why "baby girl" is such a red flag coming from an elderly man who might be delighted to think of himself as a Grandpa. HOWEVER, I agree you have to trust your gut, and talk about inappropriate touching, and confiding in you at once, that you won't ever get mad, etc. |
Anonymous
|
Anonymous
| Her step grandfather is related to her. |
Anonymous
| How long has step-grandfather known your DD? How often are they in the same physical space. If my ex's GF's dad was texting my daughter, I would absolutely find that inappropriate. I have no idea what the best strategy would be, because I can imagine my ex (and we have a good co-parenting relationship) getting very defensive. |
Anonymous
| They probably put a bug on that phone. I'd take it to an Apple Store to have it checked. |
Anonymous
| How old is dd? |
Anonymous
| When's the wedding? |
Anonymous
|
Maybe it isn't grooming by "Pap", but it just feels really wrong to me. I feel like the gift of an iPhone is not just extravagant, but a way of sidestepping communicating with DD through her parents. We both have cell phones and landlines that he could contact her through. The only thing I can figure he can do through a cell phone of her own that he can't do through our phones is Snapchat.
20:47 that is a great idea, thanks! Right now, the phone is powered down and in my purse. I will look into how I can set controls on it. Her email address already automatically forwards any incoming mail to my and ex-husband's own email accounts. Maybe I can do the same with text messages? |
Anonymous
They keep changing the date, but the latest I've been told is Memorial Day weekend. |