DD's Soon to be step-grandfather has a creepy vibe IMO. Trying not to prejudice child, but WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would give back the phone. I really think that you should have set a boundary there.

Not only was it too expensive but it was inappropriate to take that decision out of your hands.

By being a marshmallow about that, it sends the wrong message to "pap" and to your daughter, IMO. You don't have to scream and yell. But give it right back.

I had not thought about it that way. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I'm on board with the give-it-back idea, but I know that's a can of worms with your ex.

[Anonymous]

Don't give it back if that's going to create a fuss, but I think it's fine to say that you'll hold on to it for a year until she is 12. Especially if your ex and you agreed on no iphones for now, why wouldn't he back you?

[Anonymous]

OP, is there a chance that the soon-to-be stepmother told her parents what to buy your daughter?

Also, do the step grandparents have any other grandchildren?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is there a chance that the soon-to-be stepmother told her parents what to buy your daughter?

Also, do the step grandparents have any other grandchildren?

No other grandkids. I think this is a sore point for them. I think they expected to have a lot of grandchildren to spoil. A son died youngish and he didn't have kids. Their daughter and my ex-husband have been trying unsuccessfully for a baby for a while now. So maybe they are pouring all of that love into one little girl. I just need "Pap" to do it in a less creepy way.

Soon-to-be-step mom has had some inappropriate ideas about gifts, but they were less lavish so much as just well...inappropriate. Her best friend gave a number of clothing items that I think were culturally appropriate for their ethnic group in their home state: baby doll cut tees or tiny tops with double spaghetti straps and jogging bottoms with words on the butt. DD felt really uncomfortable about the clothing. We donated them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is there a chance that the soon-to-be stepmother told her parents what to buy your daughter?

Also, do the step grandparents have any other grandchildren?

No other grandkids. I think this is a sore point for them. I think they expected to have a lot of grandchildren to spoil. A son died youngish and he didn't have kids. Their daughter and my ex-husband have been trying unsuccessfully for a baby for a while now. So maybe they are pouring all of that love into one little girl. I just need "Pap" to do it in a less creepy way.

Soon-to-be-step mom has had some inappropriate ideas about gifts, but they were less lavish so much as just well...inappropriate. Her best friend gave a number of clothing items that I think were culturally appropriate for their ethnic group in their home state: baby doll cut tees or tiny tops with double spaghetti straps and jogging bottoms with words on the butt. DD felt really uncomfortable about the clothing. We donated them.

More red flags with those clothes. Omg.

[Anonymous]

Good advice here. I would also assume that he's molested his own daughter. I deal with a lot of child molesters, unfortunately. It's amazing to me that all the adults around know or should no about the abuse but deny or ignore it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is there a chance that the soon-to-be stepmother told her parents what to buy your daughter?

Also, do the step grandparents have any other grandchildren?

No other grandkids. I think this is a sore point for them. I think they expected to have a lot of grandchildren to spoil. A son died youngish and he didn't have kids. Their daughter and my ex-husband have been trying unsuccessfully for a baby for a while now. So maybe they are pouring all of that love into one little girl. I just need "Pap" to do it in a less creepy way.

Soon-to-be-step mom has had some inappropriate ideas about gifts, but they were less lavish so much as just well...inappropriate. Her best friend gave a number of clothing items that I think were culturally appropriate for their ethnic group in their home state: baby doll cut tees or tiny tops with double spaghetti straps and jogging bottoms with words on the butt. DD felt really uncomfortable about the clothing. We donated them.

More red flags with those clothes. Omg.

Yeah, I know. One tee shirt said "Boy Crazy"! Who makes a size 10/12 shirt that says that?!? That at least, I really think is purely cultural. Step-mom-to-be and I actually had a calm conversation recently about my stance on certain clothing styles, nail polish colors, and other things that I think are better suited to older teens. She was a bit offended, but I played it up as this is my last baby, I want her to stay a little girl a while longer. I did not say "I think the way you want to dress her is sexualizing her." We managed to agree on piercing ears, but no danglies until 15 and certain nail polish colors.

[Anonymous]

Just want to say I think you're right on with your intuition - it seems off to me too - and you sound like a great mom.

[Anonymous]

Op, I would keep the phone and see what else he sends. Maybe respond to his text. "Great!" and see what else he sends.

If you take it away tell the other family members it is "lost". Keep losing the phones.

Yes you have to listen to your spidey sense.

And as another poster said, most grown men are not interested in having relationships with 11 year old girls. Most nice men I know give the kid a pat on the head and then benignly ignore her. They are interested in football and maybe politics, not someone else's kid.

Definite creep vibe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good advice here. I would also assume that he's molested his own daughter. I deal with a lot of child molesters, unfortunately. It's amazing to me that all the adults around know or should no about the abuse but deny or ignore it.

Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Trust your gut. It is inappropriate for a near-stranger to shower that much attention/affection on a child. Discuss with your ex that you do not want her alone with this man. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust your gut. It is inappropriate for a near-stranger to shower that much attention/affection on a child. Discuss with your ex that you do not want her alone with this man. Done.

In what way will it be done?

All this will do is create drama, anger, and hysteria during the lead up to the ex's wedding and serve as a sideshow detracting from the couple. But that's what OP wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I call my DD "baby girl." Now that I think about it, when I drop her off at school, I say, "hey, baby girl" to whatever little girl I run into. I can't remember all of their names. For me, I could say it's cultural, maybe. I don't know. It doesn't ring poorly to me.

With all of the hardship so many "step" kids have in blended families, I see this as the grandparents (likely only because of the competitiveness they feel with one another, sadly) embrace their new role. She's their first grandchild, right?

You don't say anything about your feelings toward your ex-DH's new wife or their situation, but I would encourage you to unpack you feelings about DD having new, extended family. Are you zeroing in on this and choosing to frame it as "creepy" behavior because of other feelings you may have---of loss, or anything else?

Anger is my most comfortable emotion. It's harder to have feelings of vulnerability. I know I'm not alone in this. Because it's something I've worked on considerably throughout my life, I'm on the watch for it. Obviously, you should teach your child about stranger danger and inappropriate touching and ALL of that. But, what is going on here? You describe the jockeying between grandparents. You note the absence of another child, passed and likely for the future. An endearment didn't make me think "red flag!"

I hope this doesn't come off as harsh because I really am asking the question: Could there be some denial at work here? Are you comfortable with DD's growing family? I would be careful about pathologizing or criminalizing behavior before taking a look at my own feelings about the bigger picture.

This is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust your gut. It is inappropriate for a near-stranger to shower that much attention/affection on a child. Discuss with your ex that you do not want her alone with this man. Done.

In what way will it be done?

All this will do is create drama, anger, and hysteria during the lead up to the ex's wedding and serve as a sideshow detracting from the couple. But that's what OP wants.

Wtf are you talking about? OP just saying "hey, I'm not comfortable with DD being left alone with Pap, ok?" is not going to create a sideshow of anger and hysteria. Jesus.