DD's Soon to be step-grandfather has a creepy vibe IMO. Trying not to prejudice child, but WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is dd?

She'll be 11 next month. We told her two years ago that she would get a basic call & text phone the summer before middle school so this is roughly 6 months early and way too many bells and whistles.

[Anonymous]

I call my DD "baby girl." Now that I think about it, when I drop her off at school, I say, "hey, baby girl" to whatever little girl I run into. I can't remember all of their names. For me, I could say it's cultural, maybe. I don't know. It doesn't ring poorly to me.

With all of the hardship so many "step" kids have in blended families, I see this as the grandparents (likely only because of the competitiveness they feel with one another, sadly) embrace their new role. She's their first grandchild, right?

You don't say anything about your feelings toward your ex-DH's new wife or their situation, but I would encourage you to unpack you feelings about DD having new, extended family. Are you zeroing in on this and choosing to frame it as "creepy" behavior because of other feelings you may have---of loss, or anything else?

Anger is my most comfortable emotion. It's harder to have feelings of vulnerability. I know I'm not alone in this. Because it's something I've worked on considerably throughout my life, I'm on the watch for it. Obviously, you should teach your child about stranger danger and inappropriate touching and ALL of that. But, what is going on here? You describe the jockeying between grandparents. You note the absence of another child, passed and likely for the future. An endearment didn't make me think "red flag!"

I hope this doesn't come off as harsh because I really am asking the question: Could there be some denial at work here? Are you comfortable with DD's growing family? I would be careful about pathologizing or criminalizing behavior before taking a look at my own feelings about the bigger picture.

[Anonymous]

past, not passed. ^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long has step-grandfather known your DD? How often are they in the same physical space. If my ex's GF's dad was texting my daughter, I would absolutely find that inappropriate. I have no idea what the best strategy would be, because I can imagine my ex (and we have a good co-parenting relationship) getting very defensive.

DD said that she met him about a year ago when her dad and "Pap's" daughter got engaged. He lives out of state and is a snowbird with homes in NYC and Florida. DD has visited him in both states and also visited the step grandmother to be. I get the impression that "Pap" has started visiting his daughter at her DCUM-region home once a month since the engagement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is dd?

She'll be 11 next month. We told her two years ago that she would get a basic call & text phone the summer before middle school so this is roughly 6 months early and way too many bells and whistles.

With those details, I'd be livid. They're messing with you.

[Anonymous]

My kids and I have both had some training on this, and OP, you might want to hire someone to tell you how to handle this situation. There are consultants who specialize in this stuff.

The bottom line is: If your mom-spidey-sense is on, you need to go with it. Even if it means throwing Pap under the bus. Sorry. You cannot afford to get this wrong.

To me, it sounds like grooming. Not just the words but this: Giving expensive gifts, especially ones that can create private conversations and/or photos? One of the main warning signs is someone who does not know or respect boundaries. Giving your kid a cell phone is WOW so over the boundary line--without asking?

Generally, adult males that are not related are not interested in developing relationships and spending time with kids. I know this is tricky because he could be innocently trying to be nice because there will be an ongoing married-into relationship. But since you lose control over her when she's over with your ex, she needs to protect herself more than if you were there to do it for her.

I think I would text back to Pap: "hi Pap, this is Larla's mom. Thank you for giving Larla a phone."

THEN: "I'm going to hang on to it for another year, until she's old enough…"

or
"However; I need to give it back to you…"
or
"I had not planned on getting her a phone until she was x years old, so I will see how she does with it and supervise all messages."

Meaning: I've got my eye on you, Pap.

You HAVE to show you are watching him. Offenders are always looking for the easy target, not the target that's got a momma bear hovering near by.

For your DD, you've got to make sure that she understands that you are a safe person for her to talk to ,and she must to follow HER gut--if she gets a weird feeling that something's not cool, to listen to that feeling. And that she must tell you if something's off, or if someone tells her to keep a secret--especially if they tell her to keep a secret from her mom--that is when you MUST tell your mom.

Also, in general, rather than telling an adult "no" when they ask her to do something (which is hard to do), she can say, "I have to check."
"Can I take your picture?"
"I have to check with my mom on that"

"Come into my room to help me look for my lost keys"
"I have to check with my dad--I'll go get him to help us look" (and GO don't just stand there waiting for a reply)

And she should not end up alone with him--here's an example--DD is watching a movie she really wants to watch and Dad's going to the store or picking up pizza and leaving her with Pap…DD just has to suck it up and jump up and go with him.

[Anonymous]

Man, so much for a kid to deal with. Divorce is a bitch sometimes. I'm sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I call my DD "baby girl." Now that I think about it, when I drop her off at school, I say, "hey, baby girl" to whatever little girl I run into. I can't remember all of their names. For me, I could say it's cultural, maybe. I don't know. It doesn't ring poorly to me.

With all of the hardship so many "step" kids have in blended families, I see this as the grandparents (likely only because of the competitiveness they feel with one another, sadly) embrace their new role. She's their first grandchild, right?

You don't say anything about your feelings toward your ex-DH's new wife or their situation, but I would encourage you to unpack you feelings about DD having new, extended family. Are you zeroing in on this and choosing to frame it as "creepy" behavior because of other feelings you may have---of loss, or anything else?

Anger is my most comfortable emotion. It's harder to have feelings of vulnerability. I know I'm not alone in this. Because it's something I've worked on considerably throughout my life, I'm on the watch for it. Obviously, you should teach your child about stranger danger and inappropriate touching and ALL of that. But, what is going on here? You describe the jockeying between grandparents. You note the absence of another child, passed and likely for the future. An endearment didn't make me think "red flag!"

I hope this doesn't come off as harsh because I really am asking the question: Could there be some denial at work here? Are you comfortable with DD's growing family? I would be careful about pathologizing or criminalizing behavior before taking a look at my own feelings about the bigger picture.

Well, we've been divorced a long time. I had my own step-grandparents and even a step-great grandparent so I don't think that new extended family is weird. I'm also engaged myself. My soon-to-be mother-in-law is friendly toward my DD and has given thoughtful birthday and Christmas gifts, but nothing as expensive as an iPhone 6 and nothing that violates what DD's dad and I agreed upon as appropriate for a 5th grader. Even our own parents (all 4 are living and nearby) would not do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids and I have both had some training on this, and OP, you might want to hire someone to tell you how to handle this situation. There are consultants who specialize in this stuff.

The bottom line is: If your mom-spidey-sense is on, you need to go with it. Even if it means throwing Pap under the bus. Sorry. You cannot afford to get this wrong.

To me, it sounds like grooming. Not just the words but this: Giving expensive gifts, especially ones that can create private conversations and/or photos? One of the main warning signs is someone who does not know or respect boundaries. Giving your kid a cell phone is WOW so over the boundary line--without asking?

Generally, adult males that are not related are not interested in developing relationships and spending time with kids. I know this is tricky because he could be innocently trying to be nice because there will be an ongoing married-into relationship. But since you lose control over her when she's over with your ex, she needs to protect herself more than if you were there to do it for her.

I think I would text back to Pap: "hi Pap, this is Larla's mom. Thank you for giving Larla a phone."

THEN: "I'm going to hang on to it for another year, until she's old enough…"

or
"However; I need to give it back to you…"
or
"I had not planned on getting her a phone until she was x years old, so I will see how she does with it and supervise all messages."

Meaning: I've got my eye on you, Pap.

You HAVE to show you are watching him. Offenders are always looking for the easy target, not the target that's got a momma bear hovering near by.

For your DD, you've got to make sure that she understands that you are a safe person for her to talk to ,and she must to follow HER gut--if she gets a weird feeling that something's not cool, to listen to that feeling. And that she must tell you if something's off, or if someone tells her to keep a secret--especially if they tell her to keep a secret from her mom--that is when you MUST tell your mom.

Also, in general, rather than telling an adult "no" when they ask her to do something (which is hard to do), she can say, "I have to check."
"Can I take your picture?"
"I have to check with my mom on that"

"Come into my room to help me look for my lost keys"
"I have to check with my dad--I'll go get him to help us look" (and GO don't just stand there waiting for a reply)

And she should not end up alone with him--here's an example--DD is watching a movie she really wants to watch and Dad's going to the store or picking up pizza and leaving her with Pap…DD just has to suck it up and jump up and go with him.

Thank you! All of this is very helpful. I will definitely share these strategies with DD, look for an expert, and let "Pap" know that I will be reading all communication. I especially like the idea of saying "I have to check" rather than no. DD is very compliant with adults and older children. She recently did something that it turns out she knows was wrong because she was asked to by a relative. She said that it made her feel funny when she was asked to do it, but she did it anyway. Obviously, we need to work on how to handle listening to your inner voice before peer pressure time.

I'm not a nervous nelly. DD is in several sports, snowboards, uses real knives and the stove (with adult supervision), has traveled with relatives and her school out of state, and is allowed sleepovers at close friends' homes. "Pap" just doesn't sit well with me.

[Anonymous]

Is the iphone new? Or an older one that "Pap" gave her because he and her step-grandma just upgraded for Christmas?

[Anonymous]

I would give back the phone. I really think that you should have set a boundary there.

Not only was it too expensive but it was inappropriate to take that decision out of your hands.

By being a marshmallow about that, it sends the wrong message to "pap" and to your daughter, IMO. You don't have to scream and yell. But give it right back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it isn't grooming by "Pap", but it just feels really wrong to me. I feel like the gift of an iPhone is not just extravagant, but a way of sidestepping communicating with DD through her parents. We both have cell phones and landlines that he could contact her through. The only thing I can figure he can do through a cell phone of her own that he can't do through our phones is Snapchat.

20:47 that is a great idea, thanks! Right now, the phone is powered down and in my purse. I will look into how I can set controls on it. Her email address already automatically forwards any incoming mail to my and ex-husband's own email accounts. Maybe I can do the same with text messages?

You can put on parental controls that prevent the downloading of apps, including Snapchat. My DD is 15 and we only recently let her have Snapchat on the condition that we have acces to her account and password. I would never let an ES or MS kid have Snapchat.

[Anonymous]

21:08 again. OP, this woman Pattie is the one who taught us. We had a "safety party" with our kids and their classmates when they were in preschool, then again in 1st grade, then in 4th (because kids learn different things at different ages). She's on the west coast but her website will get you resources.

http://safelyeverafter.com

fyi ironically often parents panic over their toddlers etc but it is exactly at the tween/teen age when children are at heightened risk--because for one, they look more sexually mature than little kids, and secondly, they are also trying to be independent and so pushing back on parents, and parents are trying to give them increased independence.

Honestly OP if you don't find what you need on her website (like a link to a local resource), I'd email her, or I'd buy an hour of her time to talk on the phone about your situation. My brother's kid had an issue where an older kid did something to him in the bathroom (not horrible but not cool), and she helped him with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the iphone new? Or an older one that "Pap" gave her because he and her step-grandma just upgraded for Christmas?

It was a brand new iPhone 6. Essentially $600 if he bought it rather than getting it as part of a deal through the carrier. "Pap" and step-grandma to be are divorced. She gave DD a new charm bracelet and a few expensive ($50 a pop), but age appropriate Pandora charms. I was a bit surprised that she gave a new charm bracelet since DD has room on her existing one, but I don't see anything inappropriate in in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:08 again. OP, this woman Pattie is the one who taught us. We had a "safety party" with our kids and their classmates when they were in preschool, then again in 1st grade, then in 4th (because kids learn different things at different ages). She's on the west coast but her website will get you resources.

http://safelyeverafter.com

fyi ironically often parents panic over their toddlers etc but it is exactly at the tween/teen age when children are at heightened risk--because for one, they look more sexually mature than little kids, and secondly, they are also trying to be independent and so pushing back on parents, and parents are trying to give them increased independence.

Honestly OP if you don't find what you need on her website (like a link to a local resource), I'd email her, or I'd buy an hour of her time to talk on the phone about your situation. My brother's kid had an issue where an older kid did something to him in the bathroom (not horrible but not cool), and she helped him with that.

Thanks again so much. We will definitely use her services. I am so sorry about your nephew.