DD's Soon to be step-grandfather has a creepy vibe IMO. Trying not to prejudice child, but WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust your gut. It is inappropriate for a near-stranger to shower that much attention/affection on a child. Discuss with your ex that you do not want her alone with this man. Done.

In what way will it be done?

All this will do is create drama, anger, and hysteria during the lead up to the ex's wedding and serve as a sideshow detracting from the couple. But that's what OP wants.

You're right! Better to let a child be sexually molested than stir the pot. And millions implicitly agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her step grandfather is related to her.

Step grand father TO BE. Not a legal relative yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust your gut. It is inappropriate for a near-stranger to shower that much attention/affection on a child. Discuss with your ex that you do not want her alone with this man. Done.

In what way will it be done?

All this will do is create drama, anger, and hysteria during the lead up to the ex's wedding and serve as a sideshow detracting from the couple. But that's what OP wants.

You're right! Better to let a child be sexually molested than stir the pot. And millions implicitly agree!

And you're right! Because a gift of cell phone is absolutely evidence of molestation here, especially given the fact that OP's daughter is ELEVEN years old, verbal and has communication skills

Please go back to your reading of Gift of Mindless Fear and trusting your gut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her step grandfather is related to her.

Step grand father TO BE. Not a legal relative yet.

oh well that changes everything. hahahahaha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust your gut. It is inappropriate for a near-stranger to shower that much attention/affection on a child. Discuss with your ex that you do not want her alone with this man. Done.

In what way will it be done?

All this will do is create drama, anger, and hysteria during the lead up to the ex's wedding and serve as a sideshow detracting from the couple. But that's what OP wants.

You're right! Better to let a child be sexually molested than stir the pot. And millions implicitly agree!

And you're right! Because a gift of cell phone is absolutely evidence of molestation here, especially given the fact that OP's daughter is ELEVEN years old, verbal and has communication skills

Please go back to your reading of Gift of Mindless Fear and trusting your gut.

Not PP, but to argue that if a child is "verbal and has communication skills" then they are not able to be molested is fucking crazy. I don't think Pap is a molester either, but I don't understand why you're lobbying so hard against the idea of this girl not being left alone with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust your gut. It is inappropriate for a near-stranger to shower that much attention/affection on a child. Discuss with your ex that you do not want her alone with this man. Done.

In what way will it be done?

All this will do is create drama, anger, and hysteria during the lead up to the ex's wedding and serve as a sideshow detracting from the couple. But that's what OP wants.

You're right! Better to let a child be sexually molested than stir the pot. And millions implicitly agree!

And you're right! Because a gift of cell phone is absolutely evidence of molestation here, especially given the fact that OP's daughter is ELEVEN years old, verbal and has communication skills

Please go back to your reading of Gift of Mindless Fear and trusting your gut.

Not PP, but to argue that if a child is "verbal and has communication skills" then they are not able to be molested is fucking crazy. I don't think Pap is a molester either, but I don't understand why you're lobbying so hard against the idea of this girl not being left alone with him.

I never argued that good communication skills is some kind of protection from molestation. I simply said that there's no evidence that this child HAS BEEN molested, most importantly any evidence of her communicating that fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids and I have both had some training on this, and OP, you might want to hire someone to tell you how to handle this situation. There are consultants who specialize in this stuff.

The bottom line is: If your mom-spidey-sense is on, you need to go with it. Even if it means throwing Pap under the bus. Sorry. You cannot afford to get this wrong.

To me, it sounds like grooming. Not just the words but this: Giving expensive gifts, especially ones that can create private conversations and/or photos? One of the main warning signs is someone who does not know or respect boundaries. Giving your kid a cell phone is WOW so over the boundary line--without asking?

Generally, adult males that are not related are not interested in developing relationships and spending time with kids. I know this is tricky because he could be innocently trying to be nice because there will be an ongoing married-into relationship. But since you lose control over her when she's over with your ex, she needs to protect herself more than if you were there to do it for her.

I think I would text back to Pap: "hi Pap, this is Larla's mom. Thank you for giving Larla a phone."

THEN: "I'm going to hang on to it for another year, until she's old enough…"

or
"However; I need to give it back to you…"
or
"I had not planned on getting her a phone until she was x years old, so I will see how she does with it and supervise all messages."

Meaning: I've got my eye on you, Pap.

You HAVE to show you are watching him. Offenders are always looking for the easy target, not the target that's got a momma bear hovering near by.

For your DD, you've got to make sure that she understands that you are a safe person for her to talk to ,and she must to follow HER gut--if she gets a weird feeling that something's not cool, to listen to that feeling. And that she must tell you if something's off, or if someone tells her to keep a secret--especially if they tell her to keep a secret from her mom--that is when you MUST tell your mom.

Also, in general, rather than telling an adult "no" when they ask her to do something (which is hard to do), she can say, "I have to check."
"Can I take your picture?"
"I have to check with my mom on that"

"Come into my room to help me look for my lost keys"
"I have to check with my dad--I'll go get him to help us look" (and GO don't just stand there waiting for a reply)

And she should not end up alone with him--here's an example--DD is watching a movie she really wants to watch and Dad's going to the store or picking up pizza and leaving her with Pap…DD just has to suck it up and jump up and go with him.

I've read through all the responses and I think this is the best course of action. This man may be a well intentioned grandfather figure to-be or he could have the nefarious intentions nightmares are made of. Letting Pap know your monitoring all communication isn't something your ex can object to or overrule. If Pap doesn't have bad intentions, he'll be fine with it. You'll want to be monitoring her communication with everyone anyways since so much bullying occurs via texts and social media. It's good to get your daughter used to you monitoring her usage now.

Additionally, educating your daughter, particularly the idea of a class with a safety instructor, is awesome!

[Anonymous]

Say its not apprpriate and return the phone. If theres a way to never allow yr dsughter to be slone with Pap, please do that. I also got a chill ftom what you wrote. There are too many bad stories out there.

[Anonymous]

I read your post to my 12yo dd. she said Pap's actions are suspicious.

FYI she has four grandfathers/step grandpas. Not one of them texts her. Ever.

[Anonymous]

This sketches me out. I would return the phone. Don't let Pap think that he can overrule the decisions that you have made with your DH.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom of daughters and this is NOT acceptable. I would absolutely send a text back.

"Hi John. (DON'T USE PAP.) This is Madison's mother. While your gift was generous, I am not comfortable with my 10 year old having access to a smartphone or the ability to communicate with it without my knowledge or consent. It will remain in my possession when she is home with me and her father and I agree we will check the messages nightly and have access to any and all passwords and communication on it. Madison is a responsible girl but unlimited private communication is not appropriate at age 10."

The man SHOULD NOT in any world be texting her OR using "baby girl" in his texts. And I would tell your ex that he better not ever leave your daughter alone with that man. If "Pap" is around, dad is around. Period, point blank.

[Anonymous]

The problem with confronting him is that, once he knows you are monitoring his cell, he will find other ways to advance his agenda (if he has one). It's almost better to not tell him you are monitoring the phone so you can see what he says to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem with confronting him is that, once he knows you are monitoring his cell, he will find other ways to advance his agenda (if he has one). It's almost better to not tell him you are monitoring the phone so you can see what he says to her.

No. No no no. You don't use your kid as bait like this. Pedophiles and sexual deviants prey on children who they think are NOT being paid attention to or do not have diligent, involved, vigilant parents. Read anything any sexual offender has ever said about how they groom: they find the kid who needs attention and love. And they make that child think they are the ones who can give it.

You let this weirdo know RIGHT NOW that you are a) aware of this, b) not down with it and c) will be up, down and all in your daughters business as it pertains to any communication with any outside adult. That is the only thing that would give him cause to back off.

At worst, he's grooming. At best, he has no boundaries and needs a firm dressing down on how grown men do NOT interact with young girls.

[Anonymous]

12:32 again. I'm also 9:11 on this page. I've been thinking about this all morning. It has really stuck in my craw. I'm now of the mind you call him. Don't tell dad, don't tell new wife. You call. From this phone. And say John, I think this phone is not an acceptable gift for my daughter at her age and we will be returning it. I'd also appreciate you not contact her directly as I find that highly inappropriate and troublesome as you are a grown man and she is not even 11. Any conversation you need to have with her can take place in person when she is with her dad."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read your post to my 12yo dd. she said Pap's actions are suspicious.

FYI she has four grandfathers/step grandpas. Not one of them texts her. Ever.

My 10 yr old has 3 grandfathers--they ALL text him. Not sure that in and of itself means anything other than that they are either not close, or not into texting. Or vice versa in our case. Your DD is clearly not used to being texted, so of course it seems odd, especially if she read any of the responses here.