Who's In Charge of Maintaining Family Relationships?

[Anonymous]

For many years we lived close to my husband's family (both parents, sibling, and aunts/uncles/cousins), but several years ago moved closer to mine. I am super close with my parents and we see them often, about once a week. They have a great relationship with our daughter and are super grandparents - helpful, not intrusive, very generous. We all genuinely like spending time with one another - my husband often lobbies to see my parents even when I could use a little break!

Since we have moved farther from his family, my husband seems to be falling somewhat out of contact with his own. They talk on the phone with some regularity, and my husband coordinate Skype calls between his mother and our daughter, and also with his brother and SIL. But he never invites them to visit us or initiates travel plans for us to see them. Our daughter knows her other grandma and uncle and aunt, but doesn't see them very often. I get along great with my BIL and SIL and just okay with my MIL, but don't feel like it's my job to maintain the relationships btwn them and my husband/daughter. And I don't particularly love traveling to visit or hosting them at our house, so I don't go out of my way to arrange those visits (I'm also 7 mos pregnant, so that complicates things too).

But then I feel guilty for not doing more to keep my husband's family in our life and especially in the life of our daughter. My own mother also makes me feel guilty constantly for "not including" my MIL, but truly, isn't maintaining this relationship my husband's job? I feel like I do enough with keeping our social calendar, arranging visits and weekends away with family friends, making "couple" friends for me and my husband and playdates for our daughter - am I really in charge of keeping up our relationships with his family too? To be clear, I in no way "block" my husbands efforts to see/spend time with his family. It's more like he never suggests it, and I don't bring it up either.

[Anonymous]

I am trying to understand this concept of "his" family and "her" family. If the relationship between your MIL, BIL and SIL is cordial, then please continue to foster this relationship, if not for the sake of your husband, then for the sake of your child.

I cannot speak for you, but, in your shoes I would do my best to maintain family relationships so that DD, DH and I, we all would benefit from close and amicable relationship with our family members.

[Anonymous]

It's none of your mother's business!

Different families have different preferences and I do think it's your husband's job to be the primary planner with his family. If he's really not willing to do it, then you can think about what's in your daughter's best interest.

Maybe he's feeling overwhelmed with the baby coming and doesn't think it's a good time for visitors (I would tend to agree). After you get into your new routine, talk it over with him and tell him it's up to him to initiate the plans. I think you are being totally reasonable. But if you want him to be in charge, you have to accept that his preferred level of contact may be less than you want for your children. Are you ok with that?

[Anonymous]

Just send pictures. MIL will feel like she's up on your latest events without the need for an in-person visit. Text pics, send printed ones via Shutterfly. That should be enough. You could alert them to recitals, sports games, etc in case they want to attend something. But DH should really be doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's none of your mother's business!

Different families have different preferences and I do think it's your husband's job to be the primary planner with his family. If he's really not willing to do it, then you can think about what's in your daughter's best interest.

Maybe he's feeling overwhelmed with the baby coming and doesn't think it's a good time for visitors (I would tend to agree). After you get into your new routine, talk it over with him and tell him it's up to him to initiate the plans. I think you are being totally reasonable. But if you want him to be in charge, you have to accept that his preferred level of contact may be less than you want for your children. Are you ok with that?

OP here - this is the root of why I feel guilty. My preferred level of contact with my MIL is minimal (I'd like to see my BIL and SIL more often but not so strongly that I feel the need to take on travel/visit plans). But I feel deep down that this isn't right, even though it is in my best own best interest to keep the visits few and far between, as they are now. OTOH, if my husband's not willing to get off his butt to coordinate, why should I, right? My daughter has lots and lots of loving family in her life as it is...

[Anonymous]

Have you talked with your DH about it?

Why not figure out between you about how many visits a year make sense? And then your role is making room for those in everything else you schedule. Talk with DH. "We have x and Y happening and I thought z or q weekend might be a good time to see you parents, will you ask them?"

That's what I do. I don't keep up regular contact with my ILs, DH does, and things are better with this approach. Sometimes DH will bring it up, and I do leave it largely to him, but if I see a busy time approaching I also identify when would be a good time for me/us rather than leave it completely to DH who would leave it to the last minute and stress me out in the process.

[Anonymous]

A happy medium is just asking him if he has or has planned to make plans. It just might not be on his radar. I do this with my husband. I call my parents every weekend. He never thinks to call his. I don't call them, but maybe every other weekend, I'll just say, "Have you talked to your parents lately?"

It doesn't sound like there's any danger here of him starting to plan tons of time and contact with them. Give a little more here, and see how it goes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked with your DH about it?

Why not figure out between you about how many visits a year make sense? And then your role is making room for those in everything else you schedule. Talk with DH. "We have x and Y happening and I thought z or q weekend might be a good time to see you parents, will you ask them?"

That's what I do. I don't keep up regular contact with my ILs, DH does, and things are better with this approach. Sometimes DH will bring it up, and I do leave it largely to him, but if I see a busy time approaching I also identify when would be a good time for me/us rather than leave it completely to DH who would leave it to the last minute and stress me out in the process.

This. I am still finding a good balance, but this is what I'm aiming for. I still occasionally drag my feet on suggesting a weekend I know will be good, and then it will sometimes come back to haunt me since then a visit gets crammed into a less ideal time. My DH's whole family is terrible at planning, they do everything last minute. I much prefer to have things scheduled a bit more. I've left it to him, but I still do give him some reminders. After a few years of this he's getting better at initiating visits on his own. At first you need to help him get in the groove though. And yes, OP, you need to help a bit even if your inlaws aren't you most favorite. They are important people in your daughter's life and always will be. Fostering those relationships is almost always a good thing. Listen to that little guilty feeling and step up a bit more. Don't take over, just a bit more.

[Anonymous]

My SIL took the attitude that it was not her job to maintain a relationship with her husband's family. This came across in so many ways. Little notes when her kids (my nieces/nephews) to her relatives but not to us ("Come to my birthday party, Uncle Wally!"). Cultivating relationships on her kids' behalf with her family, but not with ours. Invites to recitals, shows, etc.

Now we have no relationship with those kids.

[Anonymous]

I think (sadly) that it's always the woman's responsibility. I have to nag and nag my DH to call and visit. He loves his family too. I don't dislike my MIL, but we don't call or talk on the phone. In person it's fine.

I make all the plans and ask DH to coordinate with them. I send all the birthday/Christmas/mothers day cards. I also buy all the gifts and wrap them. But man I wish he'd call them more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL took the attitude that it was not her job to maintain a relationship with her husband's family. This came across in so many ways. Little notes when her kids (my nieces/nephews) to her relatives but not to us ("Come to my birthday party, Uncle Wally!"). Cultivating relationships on her kids' behalf with her family, but not with ours. Invites to recitals, shows, etc.

Now we have no relationship with those kids.

Maybe you should blame your brother instead. Why wasn't he doing this for your family???

[Anonymous]

My husband is responsible for maintaining the relationship with his family. We discussed and agreed at the start of our marriage that I was responsible for my family and he for his so it was a conscious decision on both our parts. He does pretty well at it but I think that's because we talked about it and agreed to this arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL took the attitude that it was not her job to maintain a relationship with her husband's family. This came across in so many ways. Little notes when her kids (my nieces/nephews) to her relatives but not to us ("Come to my birthday party, Uncle Wally!"). Cultivating relationships on her kids' behalf with her family, but not with ours. Invites to recitals, shows, etc.

Now we have no relationship with those kids.

Maybe you should blame your brother instead. Why wasn't he doing this for your family???

I blame both of them. They are both selfish, self-absorbed jerks.

[Anonymous]

My husband manages his family and I manage mine.

[Anonymous]

In our case, MIL hasn't traditionally been kind, warm, accepting and certainly not helpful - so we don't go out of our way. In our house, I try to convince DH to call his mom and stay in touch, but I don't see a huge need on his end.

The IL's include us in holidays and family vacations, which works, because I want our children to know their family. But truth be told, they don't really get the warm fuzzies from them, so to speak. They are not that kind of people.

It is an enormous difference when we see me my family, even people we are meeting for the first time. Enormous - like night and day. Once my family meets you, it is as if you have known them all your life; you are treated as one of them (not just in words, but in actions - as some of them don't speak English - but this is also true of my American family).

Short answer, we try, but tread carefully with DH's family. I think that your DH should step up.