Who's In Charge of Maintaining Family Relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL took the attitude that it was not her job to maintain a relationship with her husband's family. This came across in so many ways. Little notes when her kids (my nieces/nephews) to her relatives but not to us ("Come to my birthday party, Uncle Wally!"). Cultivating relationships on her kids' behalf with her family, but not with ours. Invites to recitals, shows, etc.

Now we have no relationship with those kids.

And how is that your SIL's fault and not your brother's?

[Anonymous]

I wonder if your mom says that because she's surprised you're acting like that, especially when you moved away from his family. Maybe she thinks you're better than that. You obviously have a good relationship with her.

I hope my sons call me when they have a family. I really hope they marry women who would make plans to see or call me, even though I have faults. I treat my MIL the way I hope to be treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think (sadly) that it's always the woman's responsibility. I have to nag and nag my DH to call and visit. He loves his family too. I don't dislike my MIL, but we don't call or talk on the phone. In person it's fine.

I make all the plans and ask DH to coordinate with them. I send all the birthday/Christmas/mothers day cards. I also buy all the gifts and wrap them. But man I wish he'd call them more.

Have fun living your life in the 1950s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL took the attitude that it was not her job to maintain a relationship with her husband's family. This came across in so many ways. Little notes when her kids (my nieces/nephews) to her relatives but not to us ("Come to my birthday party, Uncle Wally!"). Cultivating relationships on her kids' behalf with her family, but not with ours. Invites to recitals, shows, etc.

Now we have no relationship with those kids.

Maybe you should blame your brother instead. Why wasn't he doing this for your family???

Why are you blaming your SIL when your brother is actually the one who needs to bear the most blame/responsibility here? Hello? Have you ever PICKED UP THE PHONE and talked to your brother about this?

It's as much your fault, actually, by not speaking up to him and saying you want more of a relationship with your nieces and nephews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL took the attitude that it was not her job to maintain a relationship with her husband's family. This came across in so many ways. Little notes when her kids (my nieces/nephews) to her relatives but not to us ("Come to my birthday party, Uncle Wally!"). Cultivating relationships on her kids' behalf with her family, but not with ours. Invites to recitals, shows, etc.

Now we have no relationship with those kids.

And how is that your SIL's fault and not your brother's?

Please read my post at 12:14

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL took the attitude that it was not her job to maintain a relationship with her husband's family. This came across in so many ways. Little notes when her kids (my nieces/nephews) to her relatives but not to us ("Come to my birthday party, Uncle Wally!"). Cultivating relationships on her kids' behalf with her family, but not with ours. Invites to recitals, shows, etc.

Now we have no relationship with those kids.

Maybe you should blame your brother instead. Why wasn't he doing this for your family???

Why are you blaming your SIL when your brother is actually the one who needs to bear the most blame/responsibility here? Hello? Have you ever PICKED UP THE PHONE and talked to your brother about this?

It's as much your fault, actually, by not speaking up to him and saying you want more of a relationship with your nieces and nephews.

Please read my post at 12:14.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL took the attitude that it was not her job to maintain a relationship with her husband's family. This came across in so many ways. Little notes when her kids (my nieces/nephews) to her relatives but not to us ("Come to my birthday party, Uncle Wally!"). Cultivating relationships on her kids' behalf with her family, but not with ours. Invites to recitals, shows, etc.

Now we have no relationship with those kids.

Maybe you should blame your brother instead. Why wasn't he doing this for your family???

Why are you blaming your SIL when your brother is actually the one who needs to bear the most blame/responsibility here? Hello? Have you ever PICKED UP THE PHONE and talked to your brother about this?

It's as much your fault, actually, by not speaking up to him and saying you want more of a relationship with your nieces and nephews.

Please read my post at 12:14.

Have you?

[Anonymous]

It's not your job, it's his. Don't feel guilty and don't let your mother guilt trip you. What I want to know is how you got your husband to agree to move to be near your family? We live near my husband's family but he doesn't want to move, even though they are not that close. My family lives far away, but I am closer to them. I feel like I'm stuck near his family forever and it's getting old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think (sadly) that it's always the woman's responsibility. I have to nag and nag my DH to call and visit. He loves his family too. I don't dislike my MIL, but we don't call or talk on the phone. In person it's fine.

I make all the plans and ask DH to coordinate with them. I send all the birthday/Christmas/mothers day cards. I also buy all the gifts and wrap them. But man I wish he'd call them more.

Have fun living your life in the 1950s.

It's not about the 1950's. It's about how most men don't really care about family. Whoever has the closest relationship in the family is the one responsible for family closeness. Obviously OP's husband is not that interested in maintaining closeness to his own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think (sadly) that it's always the woman's responsibility. I have to nag and nag my DH to call and visit. He loves his family too. I don't dislike my MIL, but we don't call or talk on the phone. In person it's fine.

I make all the plans and ask DH to coordinate with them. I send all the birthday/Christmas/mothers day cards. I also buy all the gifts and wrap them. But man I wish he'd call them more.

Have fun living your life in the 1950s.

It's not about the 1950's. It's about how most men don't really care about family. Whoever has the closest relationship in the family is the one responsible for family closeness. Obviously OP's husband is not that interested in maintaining closeness to his own family.

That makes no sense. All adult members of the family of origin are equally responsible for maintaining relationships, regardless of sex, age or marital status.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your mom hassles you, you say "Oh, good idea! I'll tell [husband]!"

[Anonymous]

I love my DH and he is pro family. But he wants me to take the lead on his family. I try hard to make it fair between my parents and his. He just doesn't call his parents though or tell them what our holiday plans are. It leads to a lot of arguments and missed signals between him and his parents.

I send all the cards to his parents, buy all the gifts and make sure they get 50% holidays. But i just want him to call them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not your job, it's his. Don't feel guilty and don't let your mother guilt trip you. What I want to know is how you got your husband to agree to move to be near your family? We live near my husband's family but he doesn't want to move, even though they are not that close. My family lives far away, but I am closer to them. I feel like I'm stuck near his family forever and it's getting old.

I'm the OP - to answer your question, before we even were married, my DH and I struck a deal. We'd live in DC (close to his family) for five years max, and then we'd move to a city of my choosing (the cities in the running were NYC and Boston), provided we could both find good jobs. It had more to do with me never cottoning to DC than living near his parents (or far from mine), but of course the latter played a part. After our kid was born, I made it my job to pull up stakes and transplant us to our new city. I picked the one where my parents live, and it's been great

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my DH and he is pro family. But he wants me to take the lead on his family. I try hard to make it fair between my parents and his. He just doesn't call his parents though or tell them what our holiday plans are. It leads to a lot of arguments and missed signals between him and his parents.

I send all the cards to his parents, buy all the gifts and make sure they get 50% holidays. But i just want him to call them.

See, why do you do this? Is your husband not equally capable of picking up the phone, emailing a photo, sending a card, buying a gift? Of course he is, he just doesn't, because he knows you'll pick up his slack. I refuse to do this (on top of all the other things I already take care of), and really, my husband can't get annoyed, because he has no excuse for not doing these things himself. If he made it a priority, they'd get done. If not, tant pis, as the French say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my DH and he is pro family. But he wants me to take the lead on his family. I try hard to make it fair between my parents and his. He just doesn't call his parents though or tell them what our holiday plans are. It leads to a lot of arguments and missed signals between him and his parents.

I send all the cards to his parents, buy all the gifts and make sure they get 50% holidays. But i just want him to call them.

My husband probably "wants" me to take the lead on doing all the laundry, cooking all the meals and doing all the childcare arrangements.

Doesn't mean I'm going to do it.

You don't HAVE to do all that. Do what you want, and then tell him the rest is up to him. Pretty simple.