Who's In Charge of Maintaining Family Relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my DH and he is pro family. But he wants me to take the lead on his family. I try hard to make it fair between my parents and his. He just doesn't call his parents though or tell them what our holiday plans are. It leads to a lot of arguments and missed signals between him and his parents.

I send all the cards to his parents, buy all the gifts and make sure they get 50% holidays. But i just want him to call them.

My husband probably "wants" me to take the lead on doing all the laundry, cooking all the meals and doing all the childcare arrangements.

Doesn't mean I'm going to do it.

You don't HAVE to do all that. Do what you want, and then tell him the rest is up to him. Pretty simple.

PP here. I don't mind buying gifts and sending cards. Just want him to call his parents and talk to them about what he and I discuss. I'm pretty sure he still hasn't told his parents that we aren't coming for Christmas because it's my parent's year.

[Anonymous]

There's a word for this, and it's "enabling." When you do things for your husband that he could easily do himself -- AND that are his responsibility, like sending his mother a birthday card -- you enable the laziness/slacking on these fronts. I'm not talking about the favors that couples can and should do for each other occasionally, like moving the other's clothes from washer to dryer or taking out the trash even if it's the other's "job." I'm talking about tasks that should be specifically his, like maintaining relationships with his family. You could knock me over with a feather if my husband ever sent a thank you card to MY parents for a gift they gave our daughter. I should be the one to send cards to his parents because why....?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my DH and he is pro family. But he wants me to take the lead on his family. I try hard to make it fair between my parents and his. He just doesn't call his parents though or tell them what our holiday plans are. It leads to a lot of arguments and missed signals between him and his parents.

I send all the cards to his parents, buy all the gifts and make sure they get 50% holidays. But i just want him to call them.

WTF? He "wants" you to take the lead, so you have no choice but to do it? Do you give him everything he wants at all times?

[Anonymous]

My DH handles his family. He does the gifts for his family, he initiates the visits, he phones them. His mom tried to get me to do it, but I was very clear that wasn't going to happen from early on. My DH was also on my case about it, now that I remember. He said that's how marriages work, lol. I laughed so hard. No way. Part of it is that I am introverted and don't even talk to my own family unless there's a reason. But since I refused, my DH handles his family just fine. No issues. And it's halfway on *them* too. His dad is very communicative-- asks about the girls, calls him to schedule visits, is very proactive. His mom does not as much. And therefore she is not as involved.

Step back and let go of the guilt. Your husband is an adult and can handle it just fine.

*side note-- that now that we have been married awhile and I know his parents better, I of course will reach out and talk to them if I want/need to. I text with his family and such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my DH and he is pro family. But he wants me to take the lead on his family. I try hard to make it fair between my parents and his. He just doesn't call his parents though or tell them what our holiday plans are. It leads to a lot of arguments and missed signals between him and his parents.

I send all the cards to his parents, buy all the gifts and make sure they get 50% holidays. But i just want him to call them.

+1

My is the same - he is just *not* interested in his family.

[Anonymous]

My husband will call to chat, but will be typing notes on his computer or emptying the dishwasher/washing dishes loudly at the same time while only half listening to his mother or sister talking. I can't understand the rudeness but I don't say anything... not opening up that box!

This is the first year of our marriage I've told him that he is in charge of buying gifts for his mother, sister, and father (I've always done it in the past 7 years). As of today, he has bought one small thing for two of them and has much more to buy. I am staying out of it and it feels SO GOOD!

[Anonymous]

I don't think this should be the woman's responsibility and I don't want to model that for my own DC. Think it about it: when your sons are adults, do you want your daughter in law to be in charge of maintaining your relationship with him? I'm guessing not, so why would you do that now?

[Anonymous]

OP again, with an Xmas eve update. We're having a very quiet, relaxing holiday week (which is awesome, but not the point of this post). It was not really planned that way, but more due to a lack of anyone on either side taking initiative to make big plans (we're Jewish, so it's not like Christmas is a thing in either of our families, but whatever). My MIL is alone in her city, we're home in ours, and BIL and SIL are at home alone in theirs - no one is together for the holiday week. It becomes abundantly clear that this would have been a great time to get together with my DH's side of family - if only someone had taken it upon themselves to initiate the plans. This dawns on DH literally just this afternoon, as we take our DD to the playground and Chinese food just the three of us. He picks a fight with me about why we always spend time with my family and not his, I tell him that it's his job to make plans with his family and that really he's just mad at himself for not being better at staying connected and planning ahead, fight ensues with his usual failure to take responsibility for himself, etc. So, lovely. Merry, happy, everyone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL took the attitude that it was not her job to maintain a relationship with her husband's family. This came across in so many ways. Little notes when her kids (my nieces/nephews) to her relatives but not to us ("Come to my birthday party, Uncle Wally!"). Cultivating relationships on her kids' behalf with her family, but not with ours. Invites to recitals, shows, etc.

Now we have no relationship with those kids.

Why do you blame her and not her husband?

Maintaining these connections is emotional labor. It is not a woman's responsibility to do all of the EL of maintaining connections with the family she married into.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0UUYL6kaNeBTDBRbkJkeUtabEk/view?pref=2&pli=1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, with an Xmas eve update. We're having a very quiet, relaxing holiday week (which is awesome, but not the point of this post). It was not really planned that way, but more due to a lack of anyone on either side taking initiative to make big plans (we're Jewish, so it's not like Christmas is a thing in either of our families, but whatever). My MIL is alone in her city, we're home in ours, and BIL and SIL are at home alone in theirs - no one is together for the holiday week. It becomes abundantly clear that this would have been a great time to get together with my DH's side of family - if only someone had taken it upon themselves to initiate the plans. This dawns on DH literally just this afternoon, as we take our DD to the playground and Chinese food just the three of us. He picks a fight with me about why we always spend time with my family and not his, I tell him that it's his job to make plans with his family and that really he's just mad at himself for not being better at staying connected and planning ahead, fight ensues with his usual failure to take responsibility for himself, etc. So, lovely. Merry, happy, everyone!

It is his job. Why does he think otherwise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband manages his family and I manage mine.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, with an Xmas eve update. We're having a very quiet, relaxing holiday week (which is awesome, but not the point of this post). It was not really planned that way, but more due to a lack of anyone on either side taking initiative to make big plans (we're Jewish, so it's not like Christmas is a thing in either of our families, but whatever). My MIL is alone in her city, we're home in ours, and BIL and SIL are at home alone in theirs - no one is together for the holiday week. It becomes abundantly clear that this would have been a great time to get together with my DH's side of family - if only someone had taken it upon themselves to initiate the plans. This dawns on DH literally just this afternoon, as we take our DD to the playground and Chinese food just the three of us. He picks a fight with me about why we always spend time with my family and not his, I tell him that it's his job to make plans with his family and that really he's just mad at himself for not being better at staying connected and planning ahead, fight ensues with his usual failure to take responsibility for himself, etc. So, lovely. Merry, happy, everyone!

It is his job. Why does he think otherwise?

Okay, so it's his job. Granted. Why is there such a whiff of passive-aggressive glee about this? As if you would rather he fucked up (you were counting on it even) to have such an awesome, quiet, relaxing holiday week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, with an Xmas eve update. We're having a very quiet, relaxing holiday week (which is awesome, but not the point of this post). It was not really planned that way, but more due to a lack of anyone on either side taking initiative to make big plans (we're Jewish, so it's not like Christmas is a thing in either of our families, but whatever). My MIL is alone in her city, we're home in ours, and BIL and SIL are at home alone in theirs - no one is together for the holiday week. It becomes abundantly clear that this would have been a great time to get together with my DH's side of family - if only someone had taken it upon themselves to initiate the plans. This dawns on DH literally just this afternoon, as we take our DD to the playground and Chinese food just the three of us. He picks a fight with me about why we always spend time with my family and not his, I tell him that it's his job to make plans with his family and that really he's just mad at himself for not being better at staying connected and planning ahead, fight ensues with his usual failure to take responsibility for himself, etc. So, lovely. Merry, happy, everyone!

It is his job. Why does he think otherwise?

Okay, so it's his job. Granted. Why is there such a whiff of passive-aggressive glee about this? As if you would rather he fucked up (you were counting on it even) to have such an awesome, quiet, relaxing holiday week.

Because over the long haul bearing all of the burden of emotional labor creates resentment and is damaging to the marital relationship. It seems that the people (husbands generally) who do not recognize emotional labor for what it is need to see the impact of it going undone in order to make any changes going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, with an Xmas eve update. We're having a very quiet, relaxing holiday week (which is awesome, but not the point of this post). It was not really planned that way, but more due to a lack of anyone on either side taking initiative to make big plans (we're Jewish, so it's not like Christmas is a thing in either of our families, but whatever). My MIL is alone in her city, we're home in ours, and BIL and SIL are at home alone in theirs - no one is together for the holiday week. It becomes abundantly clear that this would have been a great time to get together with my DH's side of family - if only someone had taken it upon themselves to initiate the plans. This dawns on DH literally just this afternoon, as we take our DD to the playground and Chinese food just the three of us. He picks a fight with me about why we always spend time with my family and not his, I tell him that it's his job to make plans with his family and that really he's just mad at himself for not being better at staying connected and planning ahead, fight ensues with his usual failure to take responsibility for himself, etc. So, lovely. Merry, happy, everyone!

It is his job. Why does he think otherwise?

Okay, so it's his job. Granted. Why is there such a whiff of passive-aggressive glee about this? As if you would rather he fucked up (you were counting on it even) to have such an awesome, quiet, relaxing holiday week.

Because over the long haul bearing all of the burden of emotional labor creates resentment and is damaging to the marital relationship. It seems that the people (husbands generally) who do not recognize emotional labor for what it is need to see the impact of it going undone in order to make any changes going forward.

What does this even mean? It sounds like more passive-aggressive martyr speak. Part of the "long haul" is recognizing that there are some things in a partnership that one partner is not good at and one partner is. And setting up one partner for failure and an entire extended family for conflict because of "emotional labor" issues instead of working out practical solutions is really dumb. But you go ahead and wear your martyr robes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, with an Xmas eve update. We're having a very quiet, relaxing holiday week (which is awesome, but not the point of this post). It was not really planned that way, but more due to a lack of anyone on either side taking initiative to make big plans (we're Jewish, so it's not like Christmas is a thing in either of our families, but whatever). My MIL is alone in her city, we're home in ours, and BIL and SIL are at home alone in theirs - no one is together for the holiday week. It becomes abundantly clear that this would have been a great time to get together with my DH's side of family - if only someone had taken it upon themselves to initiate the plans. This dawns on DH literally just this afternoon, as we take our DD to the playground and Chinese food just the three of us. He picks a fight with me about why we always spend time with my family and not his, I tell him that it's his job to make plans with his family and that really he's just mad at himself for not being better at staying connected and planning ahead, fight ensues with his usual failure to take responsibility for himself, etc. So, lovely. Merry, happy, everyone!

It is his job. Why does he think otherwise?

Okay, so it's his job. Granted. Why is there such a whiff of passive-aggressive glee about this? As if you would rather he fucked up (you were counting on it even) to have such an awesome, quiet, relaxing holiday week.

Because over the long haul bearing all of the burden of emotional labor creates resentment and is damaging to the marital relationship. It seems that the people (husbands generally) who do not recognize emotional labor for what it is need to see the impact of it going undone in order to make any changes going forward.

What does this even mean? It sounds like more passive-aggressive martyr speak. Part of the "long haul" is recognizing that there are some things in a partnership that one partner is not good at and one partner is. And setting up one partner for failure and an entire extended family for conflict because of "emotional labor" issues instead of working out practical solutions is really dumb. But you go ahead and wear your martyr robes.

It's not about being a martyr. It is about creating true partnerships.

I make 2x what my DH does, and work longer hours. Why should I be required to do the work of maintains all family connections as well?