Friend is upset because her kid was cut from a team and mine made it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know where else to put this because it's sports-related, but really more interpersonal.
My HS freshman made a team, and my friend's son was cut. The family has had serious issues over the years (sibling died by suicide during COVID), and my friend is upset that her son's situation was not taken into account when cuts were made.
I obviously feel terribly about her son, but I don't see a connection between this tragedy and the baseball team. She will often approach teachers, coaches, etc. and ask for her child to be given special consideration.
My child worked very hard for the team. She is very upset that he's on the team and her kid isn't and even wants me to talk to the coach about finding a place for her son, which I really cannot do. I don't know the coach. I don't know how to handle this with kindness beyond saying firmly I am sorry but this is not something I can do, which will roil the waters more. Any ideas on how to thread this gracefully? We are no longer in DC area; we live in a fairly large town where tons of kids try out for teams and many are cut.

You need to distance yourself from her. Sports teams are chosen for an individual's ability to play the sport and to help the team win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose sibling faced a similar loss of sports community at the same time as a major family tragedy, I think it is worth it for you to be aware of this kid's need for community during times like this. It isn't about the sport, it is about the kid having community with consistent eyes on him and keeping him busy. It could literally save his life.

But none of that will get this kid on the team and don't know why his mother would expect OP to step in and talk to the coach.

We don't know that.

OP has already stated the the mother has had no hesitation in asking for accommodations for her son at school, so I hardly think she has not already spoken to the coach. It’s very unlikely that OP can make a difference. And she cannot do it if she doesn’t feel it’s justifiable.

[Anonymous]

I can’t blame a grieving parent for losing all perspective on something that might devastate her surviving child, but her request is inappropriate if she’s trying to get you to lobby for the coach reversing his decision. OP, I don’t know if there is a graceful way to handle this, but I think you need to remind your friend that you have no control over who makes the team and no influence over the coach. **If you and your ds think her son would accept a non playing role gracefully,** have your son ask the boy if he would be interested in being an equipment manager or some such role. If the boy says yes, it’s okay for you to ask the coach if there’s any sort of role on the sidelines for this kid, given that [this sport] has been his lifeline through some very challenging times. No pressure, just a simple ask. If you’re respectful to the coach and prepared to accept no for an answer without any rancor, it shouldn’t pose any issue for your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t thread this gracefully. You think your son worked harder and she’s ridiculous and you don’t want to stick your neck out the tiniest bit for her.

Sounds exactly like the politics-based baseball leagues in DC with overlord parents you *thought* were friends and liked your kids.

Can you explain how you think this should go down, at the high school level? A parent should take a coach aside on behalf of an angry friend and insist that another kid be placed on a team? And should she apologize or feel sorry that her son made it?

Tragedy is horrible. But you don't do a child any favors by snow-plowing their life. Where do you draw the line? You have no idea which gifted kids on the team are being beaten, neglected by alcoholic parents, suffering from depression or anxiety, etc. Should one of those kids, who made the team, be displaced to accommodate another child? The family needs counseling, the kid needs to find a sport where he can make the team on his merits (or do a no-cut sport), and community is essential, sure. But bulldozing your way onto a team five years after a tragedy isn't the answer. That isn't "politics." Politics is cutting a first-grader from little league.

If you don’t think politics plays into HS sports, I don’t know what to tell you. If your kid is cut in ES, because of overlord parents, you’re already disadvantaged. Every single bb-connected parent knows the HS coaches. I cannot believe how naive you are.

Besides, the issue is OP thinks her son worked “very hard” and she’s “very sorry” for her friend is pathetic. OP wants validation for being a shitty friend.

You seem unreasonable. In your mind, a good friend would storm into the high school coach's office and complain that another parent's kid didn't make the team?

I beg to differ. You sound unreasonable with the mere suggestion that anyone has to “storm” or “complain” in any situation, least of all this one. I didn’t suggest that, and nor did OP’s friend.

I said OP was unwilling to stick her neck out in the slightest, and even had to justify here that her kid worked hard, when that should have no bearing on anything.

I really think if people could be honest they would get farther in their relationships. OP is not a friend to this woman, even if she TRULY empathized with her and ultimately declined. Instead she writes up a fluffy narrative to get some sympathy because she doesn’t like the negativity she’s feeling and wants justification to push that responsibility on the friend.

Of course I don’t expect you or OP to understand or acknowledge this. Hopefully this woman and her son move on.

[Anonymous]

Give it time. I was your friend once, and after a little pause in our friendship, I am still good friends with a couple of the team moms. It just took a little time to make peace with it all. Some of it was realizing how I was too invested in my kid's success, and it wasn't healthy for my kid or me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t thread this gracefully. You think your son worked harder and she’s ridiculous and you don’t want to stick your neck out the tiniest bit for her.

Sounds exactly like the politics-based baseball leagues in DC with overlord parents you *thought* were friends and liked your kids.

Can you explain how you think this should go down, at the high school level? A parent should take a coach aside on behalf of an angry friend and insist that another kid be placed on a team? And should she apologize or feel sorry that her son made it?

Tragedy is horrible. But you don't do a child any favors by snow-plowing their life. Where do you draw the line? You have no idea which gifted kids on the team are being beaten, neglected by alcoholic parents, suffering from depression or anxiety, etc. Should one of those kids, who made the team, be displaced to accommodate another child? The family needs counseling, the kid needs to find a sport where he can make the team on his merits (or do a no-cut sport), and community is essential, sure. But bulldozing your way onto a team five years after a tragedy isn't the answer. That isn't "politics." Politics is cutting a first-grader from little league.

If you don’t think politics plays into HS sports, I don’t know what to tell you. If your kid is cut in ES, because of overlord parents, you’re already disadvantaged. Every single bb-connected parent knows the HS coaches. I cannot believe how naive you are.

Besides, the issue is OP thinks her son worked “very hard” and she’s “very sorry” for her friend is pathetic. OP wants validation for being a shitty friend.

Exactly how is OP a bad friend? Their kids went to tryouts and one made the team and one didn’t.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't bring up team manager. I don't think that is a good role for a kid who got cut. (I don't think this should be a role to begin with, but I try to see some merits).

I would encourage the kid to talk to the coach and ask what skills (another position) would help. But I would also look into other sports.

the world of high school sports around here is tough and unfortunately full of disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't see how OP can reach out when her kid is brand new to the teach and OP doesn't know the coach. Talk about getting an interfering reputation right out of the gate, with her DS possibly paying the price.

Why doesn't the friend reach out to the school and ask for help? Why doesn't the friend reach out to the coach? Maybe she did and he said no??

I just think people are putting pressure on the OP unfairly.

Same. It would be weird for OP to step in as the parent of a freshman. Anyone who thinks this is appropriate does not have a kid in a public high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose sibling faced a similar loss of sports community at the same time as a major family tragedy, I think it is worth it for you to be aware of this kid's need for community during times like this. It isn't about the sport, it is about the kid having community with consistent eyes on him and keeping him busy. It could literally save his life.

Yes, but if it's a big HS he can find another community. The loss was 5+ years ago. He shouldn't want the sympathy vote.

[Anonymous]

Get out of the ask. Or ask.
Then stay away from this woman.

[Anonymous]

I would do the slow fade on this mother. Mindful of her loss, cognizant of her tendency for manipulation, and prayerful for her remaining child.

[Anonymous]

Does the friend's son even WANT someone to talk with the coach? I understand OP's friend is trying to navigate the family's loss and probably feels making the team after the fact would be best for her son; but as one poster mentioned, he would probably be embarrassed to know that's how he made the team. There are many wonderful ways to continue supporting the family through their grief, but the ask of OP isn't it. +1 to all the suggestions that the friend's son talk with the coach. If the coach isn't aware of the family's loss, maybe OP could share what happened before the friend's son talks with the coach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does the friend's son even WANT someone to talk with the coach? I understand OP's friend is trying to navigate the family's loss and probably feels making the team after the fact would be best for her son; but as one poster mentioned, he would probably be embarrassed to know that's how he made the team. There are many wonderful ways to continue supporting the family through their grief, but the ask of OP isn't it. +1 to all the suggestions that the friend's son talk with the coach. If the coach isn't aware of the family's loss, maybe OP could share what happened before the friend's son talks with the coach.

And when I say for the friend's son to talk with the coach, I agree with many previous posters that he could talk about improving skills, etc. - not about getting a spot on the team!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't bring up team manager. I don't think that is a good role for a kid who got cut. (I don't think this should be a role to begin with, but I try to see some merits).

I would encourage the kid to talk to the coach and ask what skills (another position) would help. But I would also look into other sports.

the world of high school sports around here is tough and unfortunately full of disappointment.

For some sports, being the team manager is tantamount to being the mascot. Baseball is weird because “keeping the book” (or these days, doing GameChanger) is a vitally important part of the game, and one that requires a great deal of baseball knowledge. A high school kid who knows the game would be a perfect person to do this instead of relying on a team parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the friend's son even WANT someone to talk with the coach? I understand OP's friend is trying to navigate the family's loss and probably feels making the team after the fact would be best for her son; but as one poster mentioned, he would probably be embarrassed to know that's how he made the team. There are many wonderful ways to continue supporting the family through their grief, but the ask of OP isn't it. +1 to all the suggestions that the friend's son talk with the coach. If the coach isn't aware of the family's loss, maybe OP could share what happened before the friend's son talks with the coach.

And when I say for the friend's son to talk with the coach, I agree with many previous posters that he could talk about improving skills, etc. - not about getting a spot on the team!

I don't think it's op's place to necessarily suggest that though. Sounds like the mom is not really ready and might be worried about the coach hurting son's feelings (which tbh is sort of legitimate because some coaches - most! - are great but some are not). But she should have that conversation with the coach herself or ask a mom whose child has been on the team a while for tips. That's if her son truly even wants to even pursue baseball and not just about her being upset he was rejected for a team sport in general.