Friend is upset because her kid was cut from a team and mine made it

[Anonymous]

Friends don’t gossip online about their friends.

[Anonymous]

OP is your friend in therapy or grief counseling? Is the entire family?

This is something she should be discussing there. If the sibling died by suicide during Covid, then this son was probably only 8 or 9 when it happened? Of course this will affect the rest of his life, BUT - it is his parent's responsibilty, despite their own grief, to help him grow up and navigate the world successfully, despite this horrific family tragedy. It would have been easier when he was younger (9, 10, 11), but as he turns into a teen and high schooler himself, it's going to get increasingly difficult because he will see that the world is moving on. Sports get more competitive in high school; that's just the way it works. They are no longer in the little kid, everybody makes the team phase. And yet mentally and emotionally, it sounds like your friend is stuck there because that is the point where she lost her other precious child.

It's going to get harder for her as he grows up and tries to move on in his own way. She has to help him grow up, not hinder him by keeping him in this kiddie phase.

Please talk to her about this and encourage her to talk to a competent grief counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose sibling faced a similar loss of sports community at the same time as a major family tragedy, I think it is worth it for you to be aware of this kid's need for community during times like this. It isn't about the sport, it is about the kid having community with consistent eyes on him and keeping him busy. It could literally save his life.

But none of that will get this kid on the team and don't know why his mother would expect OP to step in and talk to the coach.

We don't know that.

Yes, we do. I am very sympathetic towards this mom but her request to OP is not appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a manager position open?

This is the angle I would pursue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she gets a life pass on trying to protect her remaining child's mental health, even if she may not go about it the right way according to you. Now as far as what there is to do, I'd try and be a supportive friend but she may be mad at you because of circumstances and you cannot change that.

The problem is we're talking about an event that was 5 or 6 years ago if it was during COVID.

My cousin lost his mom at about the same age and for years was able to get around stuff with "but my mom died". Cousin was grades behind. He had one teacher (we we're both in his class but not at the same time) who got real with him that if he kept playing the dead mom card, he'd never learn to deal with things and it wasn't what his mom would have wanted.

My cousin credits that teacher with turning his life around, he even spoke at the funeral decades later.

Point is, the dead sibling card can't be played forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friends don’t gossip online about their friends.

It's an anonymous forum dumb@$$

[Anonymous]

At our public high school, both the JV and Varsity coaches had a very narrow opportunity to see the kids play, and they competed on 1/3 of a football field. The tryouts were a joke and all the kids know that several very qualified kids on JV and Varsity were cut due to the coaches having no idea what they are doing. It's one of those building "Grit" situations you hate to see for your kid, but they need some disappointments in life to put things into perspective sometimes. Yes, my high travel team kid got cut, and many of their teammates were shocked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose sibling faced a similar loss of sports community at the same time as a major family tragedy, I think it is worth it for you to be aware of this kid's need for community during times like this. It isn't about the sport, it is about the kid having community with consistent eyes on him and keeping him busy. It could literally save his life.

This. I would probably find a way to do this for her under these circumstances . . . it never hurts to ask, even if it's unlikely to get results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose sibling faced a similar loss of sports community at the same time as a major family tragedy, I think it is worth it for you to be aware of this kid's need for community during times like this. It isn't about the sport, it is about the kid having community with consistent eyes on him and keeping him busy. It could literally save his life.

While this is all true, what exactly do you think OP can or should do? She isn’t the coach and doesn’t make the decisions.

[Anonymous]

It would be a kindness to your friend to give her the right avenue for her energy.

Point out that your kid is a brand-new freshman on the JV team. You both have no relationship with the coach, and there’s no way that a good coach would or should listen to outside influencers when they’re making up the team — much less to a family that’s the lowest on the totem pole.

What you can do is give her the coach’s contact info for HER KID to reach out. They can ask about being the team manager for this season, and also ask for three concrete things they should be doing between now and next spring.

Talk about how eye-opening high school sports has been — how there is much more expectation on the players to do the communication, not the parents.

Finally, make sure that when you get together, you’re not talking about your kid and the high school team — how busy they are, how tough the schedule is, how they did in their last match, etc.

[Anonymous]

Suggest she have her son offer to be like manager or scorekeeper or something. This is a common role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know where else to put this because it's sports-related, but really more interpersonal.
My HS freshman made a team, and my friend's son was cut. The family has had serious issues over the years (sibling died by suicide during COVID), and my friend is upset that her son's situation was not taken into account when cuts were made.
I obviously feel terribly about her son, but I don't see a connection between this tragedy and the baseball team. She will often approach teachers, coaches, etc. and ask for her child to be given special consideration.
My child worked very hard for the team. She is very upset that he's on the team and her kid isn't and even wants me to talk to the coach about finding a place for her son, which I really cannot do. I don't know the coach. I don't know how to handle this with kindness beyond saying firmly I am sorry but this is not something I can do, which will roil the waters more. Any ideas on how to thread this gracefully? We are no longer in DC area; we live in a fairly large town where tons of kids try out for teams and many are cut.

You can hold compassion for what that family has been through while still recognizing that HS sports can’t really be structured around individual family circumstances. It also sounds like your friend may be trying to “make everything okay” for her surviving son after an unimaginable loss, which is very understandable, but a roster spot can’t really fill that role.

High school baseball, in particular, is tough because the pipeline is so big. Many kids play LL (or similar), many more play travel, and that can create an expectation that if you’ve always played, you’ll make the HS team. But rosters are often surprisingly small, and a lot of hardworking, deserving kids get cut every year. It’s painful, but it’s also a normal part of competitive school sports.

It also gets tricky when we suggest that hardship should factor into roster decisions. Most families and kids are carrying something, even if it isn’t visible. Coaches aren’t equipped (and shouldn’t be asked) to weigh life trauma against athletic readiness.

Interpersonally, I’d stay very simple, kind, and firm:
“I’m so sorry he’s hurting and I can’t imagine how hard things have been for your family. I really don’t have any role or connection with the team, and I can’t advocate with the coach. I hope he finds a place to keep playing.”

Then gently redirect. You’re not responsible for solving this, and getting involved would likely create more strain for everyone, including your own child. In the long run, normalizing that setbacks like cuts are part of growing up (even when life has already been unfair) is probably the kindest path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know where else to put this because it's sports-related, but really more interpersonal.
My HS freshman made a team, and my friend's son was cut. The family has had serious issues over the years (sibling died by suicide during COVID), and my friend is upset that her son's situation was not taken into account when cuts were made.
I obviously feel terribly about her son, but I don't see a connection between this tragedy and the baseball team. She will often approach teachers, coaches, etc. and ask for her child to be given special consideration.
My child worked very hard for the team. She is very upset that he's on the team and her kid isn't and even wants me to talk to the coach about finding a place for her son, which I really cannot do. I don't know the coach. I don't know how to handle this with kindness beyond saying firmly I am sorry but this is not something I can do, which will roil the waters more. Any ideas on how to thread this gracefully? We are no longer in DC area; we live in a fairly large town where tons of kids try out for teams and many are cut.

You can hold compassion for what that family has been through while still recognizing that HS sports can’t really be structured around individual family circumstances. It also sounds like your friend may be trying to “make everything okay” for her surviving son after an unimaginable loss, which is very understandable, but a roster spot can’t really fill that role.

High school baseball, in particular, is tough because the pipeline is so big. Many kids play LL (or similar), many more play travel, and that can create an expectation that if you’ve always played, you’ll make the HS team. But rosters are often surprisingly small, and a lot of hardworking, deserving kids get cut every year. It’s painful, but it’s also a normal part of competitive school sports.

It also gets tricky when we suggest that hardship should factor into roster decisions. Most families and kids are carrying something, even if it isn’t visible. Coaches aren’t equipped (and shouldn’t be asked) to weigh life trauma against athletic readiness.

Interpersonally, I’d stay very simple, kind, and firm:
“I’m so sorry he’s hurting and I can’t imagine how hard things have been for your family. I really don’t have any role or connection with the team, and I can’t advocate with the coach. I hope he finds a place to keep playing.”

Then gently redirect. You’re not responsible for solving this, and getting involved would likely create more strain for everyone, including your own child. In the long run, normalizing that setbacks like cuts are part of growing up (even when life has already been unfair) is probably the kindest path.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friends don’t gossip online about their friends.

This isn't gossip; it's an anonymous forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose sibling faced a similar loss of sports community at the same time as a major family tragedy, I think it is worth it for you to be aware of this kid's need for community during times like this. It isn't about the sport, it is about the kid having community with consistent eyes on him and keeping him busy. It could literally save his life.

What loss of community? The kid is a freshman and OP didn't say anything about whether this kid had even played with her son previously.