Is it normal not to love your elderly parent who is not abusive or mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For Op- I get it. My parents divorced when I was six and my Dad basically checked out of my life. I had to see him every other weekend and if he did not unload me at my grandmothers, I would have to sleep on the floor or couch since I had no room and no things at his house. His new wife and her kids had everything. He skipped all the important events throughout my life, yet still I would call and visit. Then his wife died and her kids stopped talking to him and now I am all he has left and it’s always complaints and negativity when we talk. It feels like a chore that leaves me drained. I am sorry for the choices he made and the regrets he has but that's not really my problem.

You don’t get it. OP said his dad was a good dad!

[Anonymous]

Relationships need to be built on authenticity, not obligation. You feel the way you do for a reason but perhaps you have not done enough analyzing to figure out why you don’t feel connected.

I have a complicated relationship with my mom. It’s not that I don’t love her but she was emotionally immature, insecure, and lacked self awareness. For most of my adult life, I have struggled to meaningfully connect with her. I couldn’t relate to her and was frustrated by her lifelong victim attitude towards life and those around her. I know she did the best she could raising us but there is a reason she has fractured relationships with her kids, grandkids, and extended families. She has pretty serious health issues now and I’m indifferent to it. I love my father dearly and do what I can to support him as her caregiver. However, I don’t know what I would do if I had to deal with caregiving weekly. I’m long distance so it’s not my daily focus. I would struggle if she was close by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to see my father every week because he lives so close. He was a pretty good dad and he is a nice old man rn. He doesn’t need much help, and physical help isn’t the problem. It’s just that I don’t want to see him or talk to him, not in an angry way, but I just don’t care.
He is a stereotypical old man, stuck in the past. There aren’t any interesting thoughts coming out of him (at least I haven’t heard any in the past couple of years since he moved closer to me).
He has nothing in common with his teen grandson.
I feel so bad when he says he loves me or misses me, because I don’t. When I think about having to see him weekly for another decade (he is 80 and in good health) I get so depressed.
I don’t know what to do about it, I guess I’m just venting.
Maybe there are others who feel the same way.

You are a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For Op- I get it. My parents divorced when I was six and my Dad basically checked out of my life. I had to see him every other weekend and if he did not unload me at my grandmothers, I would have to sleep on the floor or couch since I had no room and no things at his house. His new wife and her kids had everything. He skipped all the important events throughout my life, yet still I would call and visit. Then his wife died and her kids stopped talking to him and now I am all he has left and it’s always complaints and negativity when we talk. It feels like a chore that leaves me drained. I am sorry for the choices he made and the regrets he has but that's not really my problem.

You don’t get it. OP said his dad was a good dad!

Because they were not abusive! I would consider my Dad a “good Dad” too despite everything listed above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For Op- I get it. My parents divorced when I was six and my Dad basically checked out of my life. I had to see him every other weekend and if he did not unload me at my grandmothers, I would have to sleep on the floor or couch since I had no room and no things at his house. His new wife and her kids had everything. He skipped all the important events throughout my life, yet still I would call and visit. Then his wife died and her kids stopped talking to him and now I am all he has left and it’s always complaints and negativity when we talk. It feels like a chore that leaves me drained. I am sorry for the choices he made and the regrets he has but that's not really my problem.

You don’t get it. OP said his dad was a good dad!

Because they were not abusive! I would consider my Dad a “good Dad” too despite everything listed above.

You did not have a good dad.
Good =\= not abusive. Your dad was at best neglectful.
Also, OP did not say their dad is full of negativity and complaints. Dad just isn’t interesting enough. It seems really different to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you. Since your dad moved closer to you, he has nothing else going on in his life and has become your "problem" and obligation. You're most likely his only close social interaction. You feel that you're expected to be his everything, while you have your own family and activities and don't want to be all that. It's important for old people to keep their own activities and friendships. Unfortunately for some of us, our parents choices are such that there are no friendships left and suddenly their adult children are expected to fill all the empty holes in their lives. Whose idea was it for him to move close to you?

This is the only post attempting to be helpful and insightful rather than accusatory. OP- is your to-do list already pretty long? I agree with a PP that you may be burning out and not seeing it.

Really? I think that pp is much too kind. Since when does a 1x/week visit equal an expectation to fill all the holes in another person’s life?!

[Anonymous]

I kind of get it, OP. In my case my father was a good, caring dad to me, but I wish he would have been a better husband to my mom. He is inherently selfish and everything in our lives while I was growing up centered around his wants. He says typical old people things that can be racist, embarrassing, insensitive and that makes it a little difficult being around him at times. Oh well, I try to focus on his good points. I am worried about what will happen when he can no longer live independently.

[Anonymous]

Op, dealing with older family members is really hard. Mine have many fine qualities but also have many that I abhor. We do not have the kind of close relationship that some people have with their family. They were very self contained and still are. I struggle to find things to talk about when I visit them. The past is good as a subject. They usually like to talk about the past. Ask some questions about his early life, your parents life before kids, his old job, his parents, etc. maybe it will be less like boring small talk and more like taking an oral history that could be interesting to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate OP except my dad lives with us. I just don't feel like he contributes much to society anymore. Sometimes, I'll go to the store and it's just old people standing there, blocking the aisles. It's like it's their big outing for the week.
My grandmother lived to be almost 100 and she wasn't not like this at all. Lived a vibrant life, exercised, gardened, traveled, met friends and played bridge.
I really do not want to be an irrelevant old person, a burden on everyone.

Make plans to call it a day if for some reason you reach the old age of 70. I have a feeling you’re nothing like your grandmother.

[Anonymous]

My mom is a Debbie downer, constantly complains. I don’t enjoy our visits for these reasons.

Your dad sounds happy if stuck in the past. Not sure what you’re expecting - not like he’s out chasing new adventures. You seem cold, it’s sad you don’t appreciate him as a great guy he is.

[Anonymous]

I found it helpful to tell my dad about shows I like so he can watch and we can talk about them. Same with books. I just talked to him today about how Florida colleges have risen in the rankings a lot and why Jewish people aren’t choosing Ivies as much as we used to. Then we talked about old relatives he keeps in touch with that I don’t, and then about foods, and meal prep. Then some physics. That was 45 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some posters need to stop telling people to accept unhappiness. Suck it up, it’s the right thing to do, anything for the boomers!

Just no. Continuing behavior that you dislike will only create resentment, avoidance, and further sour the relationship. Yes, yes we understand the boomers on this board do not care if others are miserable as long as they themselves are happy. These are not people to listen to or follow.

OP. You feel how you feel. It isn’t abnormal or normal, it simply is what you feel. Recognize it, accept and then decide what you are comfortable doing. This could be fewer visits to see if the weekly obligation is the issue. This might mean not doing visits but bringing your Dad along on other activities like the kids sports game, seeing a movie, or maybe he just hangs around your house while you get things done. See if there is common ground to build a casual friendship. Don’t look for love or joy, just start small.

Relationships can’t survive being built on obligation or guilt.

What a selfish shallow take. How many hours did this dad spend doing things he disliked. Maybe he didn’t care for his job but it was good for his family. Maybe he hated Legos but built with them anyway because his son loved him. This AC is just entitled and gross. Visiting your local parent 1x a week is a very small act. You make it sound like he’s being asked to donate an organ.

Stop it. Adults decide to have children. Most build Legos because they enjoy doing something with their children. Children are a choice not a sacrifice.

When the child grows up, it’s time to transition to an adult relationship. This means that there needs to be mutual benefit and value. There is nothing owed nor a free pass just because you were the parent. Spending several hours every week out of obligation rather than mutual connection is not healthy.

[Anonymous]

It's not him, it's you, OP.

OP sounds like a teenager talking about their dad.

Maybe OP has never grown out of that teenage phase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad died of alcoholism when I was 14. My parents divorced when I was about 4 and my mom did her best to convince me he was a worthless, untrustworthy, lying, loser. Then shipped me off to his house every other weekend. I hated it. I had no room, nothing there, no bed, nothing. It was awful. Then the summer I turned 14 it occurred to me that maybe my mom was wrong. I made a concerted effort to spend the evenings talking to my dad instead of trying to avoid him or spend as little time with him as possible. I learned a lot about him that summer. Two months later he was dead and I was so so so glad I took the time to try and get to know him a little.

My advice to you—get to know your dad. Play card games or whatever and just talk. Record his stories or have him write them down. Get to know your grandparents through his stories. Ask him about Xmas traditions, what school was like, changes in technology. He’s not saying anything interesting because you’re not asking anything interesting.

Feeling the way I feel comes exactly after about 2 years of deep conversations with him! We used to be close when I was a child, then grew apart when I was a teen (there was some disappointment on my end), then we were distant and I really tried to get to know him once he moved closer.
Unfortunately *there’s nothing there*
There is no wisdom, there’s astonishing lack of self awareness, there’s just an old, scared man with an outdated worldview.
He has trouble keeping his house clean too (I have to clean) so I think physical repulsion adds to it.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not him, it's you, OP.

OP sounds like a teenager talking about their dad.

Maybe OP has never grown out of that teenage phase.

Maybe you’re right. I went thru a disappointment in him when I was a teen (which was basically a realization that he is human and maybe not the best human out there, but nothing horrible). Now it’s very similar. I tried to get to know him and there was nothing exciting.
-OP