Crippling regret over having an only

[Anonymous]

We have an only in high school and DH and I have been talking about how quickly we'll be empty nesters. Its gone by so fast. The thing about an only is you only go through each stage of parenting once. It will be a big change and we will miss our DD a lot. But we're excited for her and her gaining independence means we have done our jobs well. It helps that DH and I have a good marriage and its kind of fun to think about what we want to do - travel during the schools year - buy a car we want not because it will be good for sports equipment and car pooling etc. I sometimes think about what life would have been life if we had more kids but that's not our life and there is nothing gained by focusing on what might have been.

[Anonymous]

I have only heartbreak. My STBX descended into mental health issues while I was pregnant. At one point he was very stable with medication but chose to discontinue it. He eventually had a major breakdown and left us, but successfully got partial custody.

I feel so regret that my child has to go to visitation and be with STBX’s untreated mental illness without the support or companionship of a sibling. They spend their time there ignored by their father and reading or listening to headphones alone in a minimally furnished house. I already felt so sad that I only had x years of their childhood left with them, but now that time is split in half I feel like my time as a mother was abruptly cut short.

I am too old to have more children and obviously in the situation I’m in adoption or fostering would be inappropriate. My heart hurts for me and my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one child. I would have loved to have 3 but my husband was never ready for another. My one child will be out of the house in a few years. I am so sad and resentful. It is just so much regret for me and I don’t know how to ever move past that. Not sure what I’m looking for but posting but maybe some words of wisdom from others who have dealt with regrets?

No one has the life imagined. The best we can do is find love and comfort in the life we have. Look for daily small things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids (12,15,18) and I'd be so depressed if we only had one. Each one adds so much to our lives.

extremely unhelpful comment

[Anonymous]

Advice for younger women - don’t let men make the decisions. If he only wanted one child and the OP wanted three they should have compromised on two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids (12,15,18) and I'd be so depressed if we only had one. Each one adds so much to our lives.

Rude

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with those who constructively say that you are longing to help children grow and to nurture them.

I think it would help you to do some more people-centric volunteering. Something based on your skills etc. as a mom and perhaps as a professional. There are a variety of possibilities.

I had 2 boys. I am basically fine with that. But I really wanted to help a little girl with all the pitfalls of being female that I faced. I hope I get daughter-in-laws and that they like me. I'm not counting on it but that is my hope for filling the small gap where a daughter might have been. I came from a matriarchy with a large cohort of girl cousins so I miss how my young life was a little bit.

I can also say my younger kid is less sweet and does stress my husband out. If birth order was reversed, perhaps he would have been my only.

I think far more women have pangs of regret regarding the fact that they did not have a daughter. Having a daughter is a much different experience when it comes to mothering than having only boys. I think this regret is far more common than not having enough kids.

I have 2 boys, no regrets here. Yes, it might have been nice to have “one of each.” But honestly having boys at this point seems like being on easy mode. My younger boy has autism and is very quiet. And he just gets to be an autistic kid. The other boys don’t care too much at all because he runs around with everyone at recess and PE and can talk about Legos and Minecraft. And my older boy is a good student, good influence at school, hard worker, and plays his instrument plus 2 other instruments that he mostly is self-taught on because he just really likes music. And he is gassed up INCESSANTLY by the teachers at his school and even other parents for behavior that is just “regular” for girls. He’s like a super star, it’s insane. I did all that stuff and more as a middle schooler and no one gave a F because people have always expected girls to be 110% perfect. I don’t have to manage their social lives or make friends with the “right” moms to encourage the “right” friendships. I don’t have to buy the “right” clothes other than just whatever Nike/Adidas/etc. that I can get at TJ Maxx half the time. It’s really quite remarkable vs. my own lived experience as a girl/young woman/adult.

I fully intend to be not an insane MIL if my kids ever get married or have kids. I was very close to both sets of grandparents growing up. My extended family on my mom’s side was indeed more close-knit, but that was more just personalities and people living closer.

I have one boy and having a girl sounds like a nightmare if that’s what it entails. I’ve always been a tomboy myself and probably neurodivergent and I simply would not participate in any of that shallow nonsense and hopefully be able to teach my daughter not to either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Similar here, except I have 2. Always wanted more, kind of thought we’d agreed to have more, husband was never ready. Now it’s too late.

I spent years feeling super sad about this. It’s gotten gradually better over time. One thing that’s helped me is thinking that I don’t want to waste the time I do have with my kids regretting that I don’t have more or regretting how fast they are growing up. So I make a concerted effort to focus on the time I have with them right now, and to enjoy that stage.
I do try to be grateful for what/who I do have. I know that can be a challenge at times.

Depending on your age, you could theoretically have another child, but this would still require your spouse to be on board, which I assume he isn’t. Same goes for fostering.

Same here. Only if the husband did not want another child, why would he agree to foster?

I am really mad at my husband. It comes in waves. He pretty much abstained for years when there was a chance for me to get pregnant. Now, when it's too late, he is always ready for some sexy time. I go along, but often I feel so bitter.

Went to the therapist, and she told me to get a dog. ChatGPT did much better in talking to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice for younger women - don’t let men make the decisions. If he only wanted one child and the OP wanted three they should have compromised on two.

We talked before we got married that a big family was very important to me. He knew, but then he changed his mind on the # of kids (and he changes his mind on many things, so I learned to live in the world where his words mean nothing).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with those who constructively say that you are longing to help children grow and to nurture them.

I think it would help you to do some more people-centric volunteering. Something based on your skills etc. as a mom and perhaps as a professional. There are a variety of possibilities.

I had 2 boys. I am basically fine with that. But I really wanted to help a little girl with all the pitfalls of being female that I faced. I hope I get daughter-in-laws and that they like me. I'm not counting on it but that is my hope for filling the small gap where a daughter might have been. I came from a matriarchy with a large cohort of girl cousins so I miss how my young life was a little bit.

I can also say my younger kid is less sweet and does stress my husband out. If birth order was reversed, perhaps he would have been my only.

I think far more women have pangs of regret regarding the fact that they did not have a daughter. Having a daughter is a much different experience when it comes to mothering than having only boys. I think this regret is far more common than not having enough kids.

I have 2 boys, no regrets here. Yes, it might have been nice to have “one of each.” But honestly having boys at this point seems like being on easy mode. My younger boy has autism and is very quiet. And he just gets to be an autistic kid. The other boys don’t care too much at all because he runs around with everyone at recess and PE and can talk about Legos and Minecraft. And my older boy is a good student, good influence at school, hard worker, and plays his instrument plus 2 other instruments that he mostly is self-taught on because he just really likes music. And he is gassed up INCESSANTLY by the teachers at his school and even other parents for behavior that is just “regular” for girls. He’s like a super star, it’s insane. I did all that stuff and more as a middle schooler and no one gave a F because people have always expected girls to be 110% perfect. I don’t have to manage their social lives or make friends with the “right” moms to encourage the “right” friendships. I don’t have to buy the “right” clothes other than just whatever Nike/Adidas/etc. that I can get at TJ Maxx half the time. It’s really quite remarkable vs. my own lived experience as a girl/young woman/adult.

I fully intend to be not an insane MIL if my kids ever get married or have kids. I was very close to both sets of grandparents growing up. My extended family on my mom’s side was indeed more close-knit, but that was more just personalities and people living closer.

I have one boy and having a girl sounds like a nightmare if that’s what it entails. I’ve always been a tomboy myself and probably neurodivergent and I simply would not participate in any of that shallow nonsense and hopefully be able to teach my daughter not to either.

I have a daughter and a son and this is NOT what having a girl entails. It’s actually really bizarre and stereotypical. Girls present in so many different ways. My daughter doesn’t care about labels, I’ve never had to socially engineer friendships or plot to make friends with certain moms. My daughter is an athlete, an actor, and a complex human being, just like other girls, who should not be simplified to gender stereotypes. It’s actually disgusting and sexist to do that.

[Anonymous]

There are no guarantees that siblings will even get along during childhood or in the future. i know families of multiple children that have all drifted apart once they are married and living in separate places. I think the key is to encourage your child to have close friends and maintain those ties as they get older. You can devote all your resources to your one child and not worry about favoritism. I also think you should get involved in some sort of volunteering involving kids. Tutoring or mentoring would enable you to help those who are in need of guidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have only heartbreak. My STBX descended into mental health issues while I was pregnant. At one point he was very stable with medication but chose to discontinue it. He eventually had a major breakdown and left us, but successfully got partial custody.

I feel so regret that my child has to go to visitation and be with STBX’s untreated mental illness without the support or companionship of a sibling. They spend their time there ignored by their father and reading or listening to headphones alone in a minimally furnished house. I already felt so sad that I only had x years of their childhood left with them, but now that time is split in half I feel like my time as a mother was abruptly cut short.

I am too old to have more children and obviously in the situation I’m in adoption or fostering would be inappropriate. My heart hurts for me and my child.

A sibling might have made it better. A sibling might also have made it worse. Support and companionship are certainly not guaranteed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have only heartbreak. My STBX descended into mental health issues while I was pregnant. At one point he was very stable with medication but chose to discontinue it. He eventually had a major breakdown and left us, but successfully got partial custody.

I feel so regret that my child has to go to visitation and be with STBX’s untreated mental illness without the support or companionship of a sibling. They spend their time there ignored by their father and reading or listening to headphones alone in a minimally furnished house. I already felt so sad that I only had x years of their childhood left with them, but now that time is split in half I feel like my time as a mother was abruptly cut short.

I am too old to have more children and obviously in the situation I’m in adoption or fostering would be inappropriate. My heart hurts for me and my child.

Sorry, but putting two kids in that situation is even worse.

[Anonymous]

I have an only and don't regret it. We are so close and loving. Maybe focus on what you do have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have only heartbreak. My STBX descended into mental health issues while I was pregnant. At one point he was very stable with medication but chose to discontinue it. He eventually had a major breakdown and left us, but successfully got partial custody.

I feel so regret that my child has to go to visitation and be with STBX’s untreated mental illness without the support or companionship of a sibling. They spend their time there ignored by their father and reading or listening to headphones alone in a minimally furnished house. I already felt so sad that I only had x years of their childhood left with them, but now that time is split in half I feel like my time as a mother was abruptly cut short.

I am too old to have more children and obviously in the situation I’m in adoption or fostering would be inappropriate. My heart hurts for me and my child.

I feel so sorry for you and your child. This is why I choose not to divorce my mentally ill DH. I can't give up 100% custody.