Crippling regret over having an only

[Anonymous]

There are no guarantees that siblings will even get along during childhood or in the future. i know families of multiple children that have all drifted apart once they are married and living in separate places. I think the key is to encourage your child to have close friends and maintain those ties as they get older. You can devote all your resources to your one child and not worry about favoritism. I also think you should get involved in some sort of volunteering involving kids. Tutoring or mentoring would enable you to help those who are in need of guidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have only heartbreak. My STBX descended into mental health issues while I was pregnant. At one point he was very stable with medication but chose to discontinue it. He eventually had a major breakdown and left us, but successfully got partial custody.

I feel so regret that my child has to go to visitation and be with STBX’s untreated mental illness without the support or companionship of a sibling. They spend their time there ignored by their father and reading or listening to headphones alone in a minimally furnished house. I already felt so sad that I only had x years of their childhood left with them, but now that time is split in half I feel like my time as a mother was abruptly cut short.

I am too old to have more children and obviously in the situation I’m in adoption or fostering would be inappropriate. My heart hurts for me and my child.

A sibling might have made it better. A sibling might also have made it worse. Support and companionship are certainly not guaranteed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have only heartbreak. My STBX descended into mental health issues while I was pregnant. At one point he was very stable with medication but chose to discontinue it. He eventually had a major breakdown and left us, but successfully got partial custody.

I feel so regret that my child has to go to visitation and be with STBX’s untreated mental illness without the support or companionship of a sibling. They spend their time there ignored by their father and reading or listening to headphones alone in a minimally furnished house. I already felt so sad that I only had x years of their childhood left with them, but now that time is split in half I feel like my time as a mother was abruptly cut short.

I am too old to have more children and obviously in the situation I’m in adoption or fostering would be inappropriate. My heart hurts for me and my child.

Sorry, but putting two kids in that situation is even worse.

[Anonymous]

I have an only and don't regret it. We are so close and loving. Maybe focus on what you do have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have only heartbreak. My STBX descended into mental health issues while I was pregnant. At one point he was very stable with medication but chose to discontinue it. He eventually had a major breakdown and left us, but successfully got partial custody.

I feel so regret that my child has to go to visitation and be with STBX’s untreated mental illness without the support or companionship of a sibling. They spend their time there ignored by their father and reading or listening to headphones alone in a minimally furnished house. I already felt so sad that I only had x years of their childhood left with them, but now that time is split in half I feel like my time as a mother was abruptly cut short.

I am too old to have more children and obviously in the situation I’m in adoption or fostering would be inappropriate. My heart hurts for me and my child.

I feel so sorry for you and your child. This is why I choose not to divorce my mentally ill DH. I can't give up 100% custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids (12,15,18) and I'd be so depressed if we only had one. Each one adds so much to our lives.

This was not helpful or relevant to this thread. OP is struggling and your bragging about your family size is mean.

+1. I feel sorry for your children if they all individually would “depress” you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one child. I would have loved to have 3 but my husband was never ready for another. My one child will be out of the house in a few years. I am so sad and resentful. It is just so much regret for me and I don’t know how to ever move past that. Not sure what I’m looking for but posting but maybe some words of wisdom from others who have dealt with regrets?

You imagine your second would have been a delight like the first, but what if there were mental or physical issues? Many people out ther with 2 regret the second and many with 3 regret the third. Maybe you dodged a bullet.

[Anonymous]

It’s extremely rare for someone to say they regret having more children. Unless the parent was a shitty parent who didn’t want to be one. Maybe it’s taboo.

[Anonymous]

If feels like you've had 13+ years to digest this information. Even if you spent the first few years thinking you'd have another, surely by the time your oldest went to kindergarten you knew this was it.

Life isn't perfect. Having another kid wouldn't solve whatever issue you have.

[Anonymous]

I wanted two, but just ended up with one. I love having an only. She's leaving for college in less than two years, and I'll miss her, but I'm so excited to start my next chapter. It'll be nice to remember what it's like to lead a life not structured around kid stuff.

You need to talk to someone about this. At some point you would be an empty nester, no matter how many kids you have. Maybe get a dog and find some fun new hobbies?

[Anonymous]

Can you become a foster parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s extremely rare for someone to say they regret having more children. Unless the parent was a shitty parent who didn’t want to be one. Maybe it’s taboo.

That’s because once additional children are here, they’re actual people so of course normal parents aren’t going to regret their own children that they love more than anything. There are also cases where people absolutely love their additional children but will acknowledge that their family dynamic was negatively impacted.

Often when people regret having more, they’re being hypothetical, not factoring in actual people with all of the love and emotion and attachment that form with real people. People are imagining some perfect scenario that the additional children would bring to their family when in reality it may have been nothing like their imagination.

[Anonymous]

Recently I met an only who was a college kid. He loved being an only. He knew that he was able to afford more things growing up this way. His family afforded great vacations, resources, extra curricular stuff that he might not have had to the same extent. He loved the closeness to his parents. He was in his 20’s with no regrets. In fact, he loved his situation growing up. No fights with siblings, no competition, no shared rooms, etc. Op, reconsider your attitude. This could be the best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recently I met an only who was a college kid. He loved being an only. He knew that he was able to afford more things growing up this way. His family afforded great vacations, resources, extra curricular stuff that he might not have had to the same extent. He loved the closeness to his parents. He was in his 20’s with no regrets. In fact, he loved his situation growing up. No fights with siblings, no competition, no shared rooms, etc. Op, reconsider your attitude. This could be the best!

My teen loves being an only for all those reasons. Our life is so flexible with one kid. Still, I occasionally have those feelings of sadness. The best remedy is spending time around families with multiple children, the squabbles, having to split activities etc. make me appreciate what I have. I also work in a role at an elementary school that allows me to get to know lots of siblings and see their dynamic. Having one great kid is no guarantee of having another (plenty of great siblings too though!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s extremely rare for someone to say they regret having more children. Unless the parent was a shitty parent who didn’t want to be one. Maybe it’s taboo.

It's the taboo. There's no way to say you regret your family size without basically saying you wish one or more of your kids didn't exist, which is terrible.

But sometimes people absolutely realize that it was a mistake to have more children, and that it had a negative impact on everyone. My parents had two children too many. They know it, we know it. I'm one of the "too many" kids. I genuinely don't take it personally -- I know it's not my fault. It's just the reality. And my parents know it too. But no one ever says it in so many words.