DD has advanced degree and working at a burger joint

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:All work is honorable and respectable. She is working 2 jobs and paying her bills. Be proud of her.

I just worry about her longevity. She doesn’t ever ask me for money but lives in a crowded apartment with her girlfriend and band mates. She just had so much potential now it seems like she may as well have dropped out. She’d be in the same place.

I’m sorry but that is the most disgustingly clueless thing you’ve posted OP.

She went to university for six years, no? She matured as a human being and developed her mind - her acquisition of knowledge and critical thinking skills has incredible inherent value, whether she uses it to be a corporate drone or to work in the hospitality industry while she makes music.

If she had the success and bank account of Alanis Morisette or Pink you wouldn’t be whinging on this board about her. Own up to the truth that all you care about is MONEY. And if you keep this up - be prepared to lose your daughter, well deservedly.

PP here. Bingo! My point exactly. And you gave way too much personal info OP. There aren’t many graduates of Vanderbilt and UT Austin who play in a band and work in a burger joint.

LOL Yes there are. UT Austin? Do you even know where that is?

Vanderbilt, UT Austin for MSW, works at a burger joint and lives with female band mates.

If the above were true assertions, a half decent private investigator or police detective could suss out who she is in a day’s time, including a long lunch.

Why would that happen? What's your scenario?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:May want Jeff to delete

LOL don't bother, I am not OP, which Jeff can clearly find out without bothering with the long lunch. Gotta love this place.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m glad you’re not my mother. No contact for your daughter is really the only solution here.

I hope this is satire.

No, it is not. Why? This is a mother who is ashamed of her daughter who is happily living her life. The daughter would be well rid of her.

You are insane. Your mother would be well rid of you. Your daughter too probably with the flimsy attachments you seem to have.

Try again. We support our children, and promote their happiness. That’s why we have happy, independent, free thinking children and not anxiety ridden, depressed ones. This OP epitomizes the pitfalls of UMC American parenting.

How free thinking can you they be if you are willing to advice cutting off a mother for expressing thoughts you disagree with?

Sorry this hit you so hard. But yes, if a child is clearly happy (yet not making enough money or displaying obvious signs of success) yet the mother takes to the internet to express her deep dissatisfaction with the child’s choices rather than rejoice in her contentment, then yes, no contact really is the healthiest option for the child. It’s only a matter of time before she comes to that conclusion herself, likely with the aid of her significant other and therapist.

You are an idiot. I doubt you have children at all.

Wrong. And I see from your attitude that you’re clearly an excellent parent.

Your retorts are tired and worn out. I'm cutting you off now because no contact is the healthiest option. Bye. Forever. I won't look back so don't bother trying to engage either. Hello? PP? I said don't bother trying to engage. You mean nothing to me. You are worthless. Do you understand? Hello?

That’s fine. I hope your DD or someone she knows finds this thread (you’ve given a ton of personal info after all) and follows my advice to go no contact with your mean and malicious self.

STOP. I said I want NO CONTACT. And I mean that especially over the holidays. I am not the OP btw and I only have sons.

Sure OP.

I said JUST STOP. If cutting you off completely doesn't work then I will be forced to resort to GREY ROCK. Mmm hmm, looks at the horizon line with a bored expression.

THERE! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!

And again, I am not OP....

Uh huh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May want Jeff to delete

LOL don't bother, I am not OP, which Jeff can clearly find out without bothering with the long lunch. Gotta love this place.

Whether you are OP or not is immaterial. We are multiple people saying that OP gave out too much info and that DD is likely identifiable to someone here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All work is honorable and respectable. She is working 2 jobs and paying her bills. Be proud of her.

PP here. Yes, that was my point exactly. If OP can’t do that, then DD should go no contact. But instead, OP has abused me for my views, which is just further proof of the type of person she is.

Drama much? People who disagree with you are not abusing you, FFS. That includes your parents too, princess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All work is honorable and respectable. She is working 2 jobs and paying her bills. Be proud of her.

I just worry about her longevity. She doesn’t ever ask me for money but lives in a crowded apartment with her girlfriend and band mates. She just had so much potential now it seems like she may as well have dropped out. She’d be in the same place.

I’m sorry but that is the most disgustingly clueless thing you’ve posted OP.

She went to university for six years, no? She matured as a human being and developed her mind - her acquisition of knowledge and critical thinking skills has incredible inherent value, whether she uses it to be a corporate drone or to work in the hospitality industry while she makes music.

If she had the success and bank account of Alanis Morisette or Pink you wouldn’t be whinging on this board about her. Own up to the truth that all you care about is MONEY. And if you keep this up - be prepared to lose your daughter, well deservedly.

Of course she's worried about money. I'm the PP who said OP's DD was just having fun and she shouldn't worry, and ALSO the PP who said she shouldn't cut her off financially. But come on, of course we want our kids to be able to make a decent living. It's hard to have a decent life without money, youthful fantasies aside.

Well then it might interest you to know that the managers of burger joints make more than the average social worker, without tossing and turning all night for thinking of the hellish abuse they’ve seen nor struggling with burnout and suicidal ideation because of same.

You parents with your obsessions about status and what makes a successful career or life. IT IS NOT YOUR LIFE. She isn’t asking you for money. Leave her alone, or risk the day coming when she leaves you alone permanently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All work is honorable and respectable. She is working 2 jobs and paying her bills. Be proud of her.

PP here. Yes, that was my point exactly. If OP can’t do that, then DD should go no contact. But instead, OP has abused me for my views, which is just further proof of the type of person she is.

Drama much? People who disagree with you are not abusing you, FFS. That includes your parents too, princess.

No drama, OP or PP, but whoever you are, you clearly have a big problem with no contact. But it’s really the best solution in some extreme cases, like when a mother publicly puts her happy go lucky daughter on the internet to tell the world how disappointed she is in her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All work is honorable and respectable. She is working 2 jobs and paying her bills. Be proud of her.

PP here. Yes, that was my point exactly. If OP can’t do that, then DD should go no contact. But instead, OP has abused me for my views, which is just further proof of the type of person she is.

Drama much? People who disagree with you are not abusing you, FFS. That includes your parents too, princess.

No drama, OP or PP, but whoever you are, you clearly have a big problem with no contact. But it’s really the best solution in some extreme cases, like when a mother publicly puts her happy go lucky daughter on the internet to tell the world how disappointed she is in her.

*outs

[Anonymous]

Your child is making a rational decision based on the state of the economy which is completely horrendous. She is smart and she realizes that it is better to have a job than not to have a job. Ambition for young people is lower when the economy is contracting. She will re-find her ambition once the economy starts growing again.

[Anonymous]

She may be making as much takehome pay as working in social services with her MSW. But 30 is time to think about a 401k too.
When she wants, with a real MSW like hers she can get licensed and make $$$$ as a "therapist.". My SIL is a multimillionaire in CA doing that.

[Anonymous]

Are there any drugs or drinks involved? Any mental health issues? As a parent, your frustration with her present situation and fears for her future are valid. To be fair, social work isn't lucrative or easy work. However she needs an adult accommodation in a safe area, health insurance and 401k/social security. You can offer to pay for a therapist or a career counselor. UT Austin student services or alumni network can provide some guidance. If she isn't perceptive to your advice, get an aunt or a cousin to have a discussion with her. She can keep her music as a side gig and stay connected to her music community without abandoning real life. If she did her masters in 2018, she is past 30. If she spent almost a decade in music and has some talent then she should've had some success and made some money. Anyways, you can only hope and advice, rest is neither your problem nor your responsibility. Only issue is that if she needs help or gets into trouble, you are the only one caring and paying for her so lets hope she stays happy and safe. Being parent is a life long trap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All work is honorable and respectable. She is working 2 jobs and paying her bills. Be proud of her.

I just worry about her longevity. She doesn’t ever ask me for money but lives in a crowded apartment with her girlfriend and band mates. She just had so much potential now it seems like she may as well have dropped out. She’d be in the same place.

OP, I understand where you're coming from and your worries about her future.

Have you read the book "Crying in H Mart?" It's by a musician (Michelle Zauner, goes by Japanese Breakfast), and it details her life after she graduates from Bryn Mawr and does exactly what your daughter is doing: Waitressing at a Mexican restaurant while trying to "make it" in the Philly punk scene with her band. It pretty accurately details how disappointed her mom was in her (I don't know if cultural elements are at play here, but Michelle Zauner's mom immigrated from Korea) and how she continued her passions anyways, even after her mother passes away.

It's a really powerful and moving elegy to a musician dealing with her mother's disappointment in her, and it has tons of compassion for both sides of this dilemma. Highly recommend. Even if your daughter doesn't become as famous as the author (which, let's be honest, probably won't happen), I think you'd benefit a lot from reading her "side."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All work is honorable and respectable. She is working 2 jobs and paying her bills. Be proud of her.

I just worry about her longevity. She doesn’t ever ask me for money but lives in a crowded apartment with her girlfriend and band mates. She just had so much potential now it seems like she may as well have dropped out. She’d be in the same place.

OP, I understand where you're coming from and your worries about her future.

Have you read the book "Crying in H Mart?" It's by a musician (Michelle Zauner, goes by Japanese Breakfast), and it details her life after she graduates from Bryn Mawr and does exactly what your daughter is doing: Waitressing at a Mexican restaurant while trying to "make it" in the Philly punk scene with her band. It pretty accurately details how disappointed her mom was in her (I don't know if cultural elements are at play here, but Michelle Zauner's mom immigrated from Korea) and how she continued her passions anyways, even after her mother passes away.

It's a really powerful and moving elegy to a musician dealing with her mother's disappointment in her, and it has tons of compassion for both sides of this dilemma. Highly recommend. Even if your daughter doesn't become as famous as the author (which, let's be honest, probably won't happen), I think you'd benefit a lot from reading her "side."

PP here, I forgot to mention one last thing.

The book talks a lot about pride and shame. These are powerful emotions, but also potentially destructive to artists and musicians. IIRC in the book, Zauner refers to her younger self as "shameless" and regrets some of the actions she took against her mother because of that. But she also attributes this same shamelessness to lack of ego/pride that ended up catapulting her to success. If I had to take a guess, OP, you probably took a lot of pride in the fact that your DD was a "high achiever" who went to Vandy, and her current job situation brings you a lot of shame.

I'm willing to bet your DD lacks that shame as well, which is potentially very powerful for her as a musician. I also really appreciate down-to-earth people without egos as someone who has struggled with pride/shame my whole life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, living in Austin and playing in a country punk band is pretty much my dream …

OP never mentioned how successful she was with her band.

Like, is she playing a lot of shows? This sounds kind of cool but I get being worried about financial stability.

When my DS was little, he was in a playgroup, and one of the dads was a SAHD. He was in a band. He went to a T30 school, and his wife was a professional. I remember thinking to myself that his parents and/or his wife must be pissed. But you know what, he is still in that band, they play a lot locally, his marriage seems really happy, and he's a great dad. Plus, social workers make less money than burger hashers / punk rockers, so none of this is about potential earnings - it's all about OP's sense of her DD's "failure."

[Anonymous]

Maybe she’ll meet a rich guy and get married.