DD has advanced degree and working at a burger joint
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Anonymous
| Are there any drugs or drinks involved? Any mental health issues? As a parent, your frustration with her present situation and fears for her future are valid. To be fair, social work isn't lucrative or easy work. However she needs an adult accommodation in a safe area, health insurance and 401k/social security. You can offer to pay for a therapist or a career counselor. UT Austin student services or alumni network can provide some guidance. If she isn't perceptive to your advice, get an aunt or a cousin to have a discussion with her. She can keep her music as a side gig and stay connected to her music community without abandoning real life. If she did her masters in 2018, she is past 30. If she spent almost a decade in music and has some talent then she should've had some success and made some money. Anyways, you can only hope and advice, rest is neither your problem nor your responsibility. Only issue is that if she needs help or gets into trouble, you are the only one caring and paying for her so lets hope she stays happy and safe. Being parent is a life long trap. |
Anonymous
OP, I understand where you're coming from and your worries about her future. Have you read the book "Crying in H Mart?" It's by a musician (Michelle Zauner, goes by Japanese Breakfast), and it details her life after she graduates from Bryn Mawr and does exactly what your daughter is doing: Waitressing at a Mexican restaurant while trying to "make it" in the Philly punk scene with her band. It pretty accurately details how disappointed her mom was in her (I don't know if cultural elements are at play here, but Michelle Zauner's mom immigrated from Korea) and how she continued her passions anyways, even after her mother passes away. It's a really powerful and moving elegy to a musician dealing with her mother's disappointment in her, and it has tons of compassion for both sides of this dilemma. Highly recommend. Even if your daughter doesn't become as famous as the author (which, let's be honest, probably won't happen), I think you'd benefit a lot from reading her "side." |
Anonymous
PP here, I forgot to mention one last thing. The book talks a lot about pride and shame. These are powerful emotions, but also potentially destructive to artists and musicians. IIRC in the book, Zauner refers to her younger self as "shameless" and regrets some of the actions she took against her mother because of that. But she also attributes this same shamelessness to lack of ego/pride that ended up catapulting her to success. If I had to take a guess, OP, you probably took a lot of pride in the fact that your DD was a "high achiever" who went to Vandy, and her current job situation brings you a lot of shame. I'm willing to bet your DD lacks that shame as well, which is potentially very powerful for her as a musician. I also really appreciate down-to-earth people without egos as someone who has struggled with pride/shame my whole life. |
Anonymous
When my DS was little, he was in a playgroup, and one of the dads was a SAHD. He was in a band. He went to a T30 school, and his wife was a professional. I remember thinking to myself that his parents and/or his wife must be pissed. But you know what, he is still in that band, they play a lot locally, his marriage seems really happy, and he's a great dad. Plus, social workers make less money than burger hashers / punk rockers, so none of this is about potential earnings - it's all about OP's sense of her DD's "failure." |
Anonymous
| Maybe she’ll meet a rich guy and get married. |
Anonymous
It says she lives with her girlfriend so I'm guessing she's lesbian? Lesbians are pretty notorious for being downwardly mobile TBF. You see a lot of gay guys in law/finance/consulting/tech, especially among Millennials and Gen Z. Most of the lesbians I know in that age range are in food service or teaching/social work/NPO/community organizing jobs. -Someone who spends a LOT of time in gay social circles |
Anonymous
This. She can do regular counseling. Maybe eventually she'll find a niche group or population to help like creatives, etc. She may not decide to do this any time soon, but having the degree is a positive. |
Anonymous
| She might be earning more doing this - MSWs don't earn much and it's soul-crushing work. |
Anonymous
This |
Anonymous
|
How much is she making? We can make $40-$50 an hour in DC.
If she invests $400 a month, she can go part time by 50 and retire at 62. |
Anonymous
| I graduated from UVA in the 90s and Charlottesville was full of overeducated young people working in proverbial burger joints and playing in bands. It was so much fun. No regrets. (See also: the Dream of the 90s skit from Portlandia) |
Anonymous
Yes, using money to control your children's lives generally fosters positive relations between parent and child. /s |
Anonymous
| Less stress, equal pay. Makes sense to me. |
Anonymous
Why is the advice here frequently toxic? Cut off your loved ones! Leave your spouse! This is not how healthy people solve problems, and I encourage posters to think twice before blowing up important relationships. As for the daughter, she found a community that offers her purpose. It's not what I'd want for my daughter, but I understand the appeal. |
Anonymous
She’s happy, and if she graduated with an MSW 7-8 years ago, she’s well beyond the age of wanting unsolicited advice from you. It doesn’t sound like she’s asking for help or advice. I’d be just as worried about a Social Work career as those jobs are disappearing. Life is short and uncertain. Try to let go of your disappointment. Be proud that she sought a satisfying life instead of spending all her time being miserable. Focus on your relationship. |