How would you react if your college DD scolded you publicly because you asked her to hang out one night?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I would not be happy if I paid for everything and she acted like she had better things to do and could barely make time for you. Honestly, even a college kid who likes to have fun can suck it up and hang out with mom and a relative for a day or two (especially if the parents are being so generous and are funding everything). We did not fund nearly that much for our kids - room and board after scholarships - and we would not have tolerated such behavior. There are so many Fridays every semester and you flew all the way out. I would cut the "fun" funding since she has had summer jobs and you're covering the academic and living fees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well she was rude. But context matters - was this kind of being sassy and failing to communicate well? I’d be the adult I think , not throw a fit but call out an unnecessary tone. And then move right on.

It came out of nowhere after I sarcastic remark I made. It was really over the top and unwarranted. It just made me feel worthless. Obviously she desired to be with her boyfriend instead of me and an elderly relative; a boy she sees every day of the week. And now she won't be coming home for Thanksgiving and presumably will only be home partially, if at all, during winter break. And she takes a trip during winter break with the boyfriend's friends or family, who do you think will pay for it? Us.

One single night with her and we're made to feel worthless. It stings.

I'm guessing your relationship with her is already fraught. I can't imagine that this incident alone would make you feel worthless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this just typical 'soiling the nest' talk you'd let it slide or would this really hurt you?

Flew across the country to DD's college to see her last sporting event of the season. Asked her in advance to spend Friday night through Saturday morning with me for dinner and to visit elderly family member (my uncle) via train. Things were going well, then after a slightly sarcastic comment, DD snapped, "You're lucky I'm here. I'm a college student. I'm giving up my Friday night to do this with you."

If it's relevant, we pay for her room, board, tuition, all of her bills, car when home, all of her flights including a flight to spend with her boyfriend over Thanksgiving break instead of your family, which she told me about a few hours the above scolding. She's a very strong student-athlete, had a summer internship last summer and already has one for summer 2026.

Not sure how the last sentence is relevant. Is she somehow excused from entitled behavior because she has good grades and an internship?

I figured readers would wonder if she works and has any money of her own. She works in the summers and has some money of her own but certainly not enough to sustain her lifestyle.

I don’t think that’s why you included that tid bit of information. Like most parents you want to believe that because she has good grades, she’s a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are all so self-important and desperate to hold onto whatever control you exert. The kid had no desire to visit her great uncle. Let me restate:

Option 1: Visit great uncle on a Friday night after her last game of the season.

Option 2: Literally anything else.

I’m with your kid on this one and let it go. And as for all of the “you raised a spoiled brat” commenters, you guys are going to be really lonely when your youngest goes to school and you realize that they’re perfectly fine without you.

I certainly hope that when my youngest goes to school, she will be perfectly fine without me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Soiling the nest happens before they LEAVE the nest, not after. You raised a spoiled brat. You indulged too much, so this is what you get. If my kid said that I'd immediately get them psychological testing because they'd be certifiably crazy to be so obnoxious. But I didn't raise my kids to be spoiled brats - I raised them to appreciate what they had, to know the difference between wants and needs and work for their own wants for the most part. You get out what you put in.

Get off your high horse and stop being so cruel and obnoxious. No one cares about your kids

[Anonymous]

And now she won't be coming home for Thanksgiving and presumably will only be home partially, if at all, during winter break. And she takes a trip during winter break with the boyfriend's friends or family, who do you think will pay for it? Us.

If you’re not ok with this don’t pay. And if you’re going to pay, stop complaining. You have a choice.

Your daughter is a college student and it’s time for her to learn to budget to pay for the things she wants to do.

Personally, I wouldn’t pay t pay for the Thanksgiving trip. I might give her the money for a winter break trip but it would be a holiday gift and I wouldn’t be giving many other gifts.

As for the comment, I’d let that roll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is spoiled and rude.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this just typical 'soiling the nest' talk you'd let it slide or would this really hurt you?

Flew across the country to DD's college to see her last sporting event of the season. Asked her in advance to spend Friday night through Saturday morning with me for dinner and to visit elderly family member (my uncle) via train. Things were going well, then after a slightly sarcastic comment, DD snapped, "You're lucky I'm here. I'm a college student. I'm giving up my Friday night to do this with you."

If it's relevant, we pay for her room, board, tuition, all of her bills, car when home, all of her flights including a flight to spend with her boyfriend over Thanksgiving break instead of your family, which she told me about a few hours the above scolding. She's a very strong student-athlete, had a summer internship last summer and already has one for summer 2026.

I would snap back with, “You’re lucky I paid for your flight to see [boyfriend]. I could take it back if I wanted to.”

[Anonymous]

Read OP's first post. Obviously, OP was deeply hurt that DD behaved this way, and torn between letting it go for the sake of peace and love, but concerned that this behavior may reoccur. I have a DS who has deliberately said similarly painful snipe remarks. Similar to OP, I chose taking the high ground initially for the sake of love, while trying to formulate an appropriate response. Later, I chose to address this cruelty head on, and correct the bad habit. I got it that dogs are not humans, but Cesar Millan is right that if not corrected, dogs bad habits will not end well for the pet and its owner. The dogs with bad habits will have to be surrendered to animal shelter, where the chances of being adopted is less than 5% depending on the breed. Even if the dog gets readopted, they will reoffend and end back in the shelter. This is the equivalent of being disinherited by parents, divorced by their spouses, and shunned by their future children, friends and family due to bad habits that did not get corrected. Similarly in the workplace, inappropriate/disrespectful/ungrateful behavior are not appreciated nor tolerated by Bosses, who will be put in an uncomfortable position to correct, and eventually fire the incorrigible employee.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to get a job to pay for extras. One night for dinner/meal/time at college yes, train no - that's not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

She was rude for sure. Would make me very upset. But unless she was super close with the relative, it was incredibly selfish of you to make her go. If you want her to fine YOU her time, give YOUR time to her. Don’t make her do your errands with you. If you don’t respect her time, you won’t be getting much of it in the future. This is a warning. A rude one, but if you can’t take the hint more subtly, good for her for at least making you take notice to try to save your relationship while you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made a sarcastic remark that she may have taken as hurtful, or she responded in what she thought was the same spirit, but it came out harsher than she intended. The fact that you point out that you pay for her college and her ticket gives the impression that you hold it over her head, even if unintentionally. It’s actually irrelevant. Even if she were on a full-ride scholarship and working, her comment still wouldn’t be okay—just as your remark beforehand probably wasn’t either.

+1

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should be making a college student spend Friday night, or any night, taking a train to see an uncle.

You should have gone to the game, spent some time with her after - maybe an hour or so - and then let her do what she wanted on her Friday night. And then you go on train to see uncle, take train back, see her for a late brunch, then fly back.

She should be focused on classes and friends and sports. You should not be taking her away from that.

I don't know why you'd pay for her to go on vacation with someone else's family. Maybe a plane ticket as a Christmas gift but nothing else. If his family is making her pay for anything other than her own plane ticket they suck.

[Anonymous]

why are you refusing to tell us the "little joke" / sarcastic remark?

that's a key part of this story

[Anonymous]

I mean, what kind of sarcastic remark did you make? It sounds like you were a little nasty to her and then she was a little nasty back?