Living on my salary alone bc dh was laid off. How do I convince DH to cut back on non essentials?

[Anonymous]

^^if too young to work, give them an allowance and stick to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk about it any more until you do the following. This worked for me.

Take on for 3 months in a row categorizing each dollar that is spent.

This is only for expenses incurred. This is not cashflow analysis, this is expenses.

Then, average them.

Then look at his income alone and compare it to that averaged expense.

Have a discussion about the actual numbers going in and coming out.

Maybe, there is enough money to do all of these things and also save but it "feels" too much to you.
Or maybe, there is not enough money to do all of these things.
Jointly decide on how much your budget can support for each person to have in spending money, then it's no questions asked for that. For the stuff that's in the middle figure out where you are willing to work together to reduce expenses (make the smoothie?).

My DH did this and while it was hard to hear, it was effective. He didn’t blame me. He just showed how much was being spent on each line item each month. At the very end, he gently pointed out that he was spending X on himself each month and I was spending Y. Now we each have an equal discretionary budget. If I want Starbucks, I get Starbucks. Each night, all expenses get logged into the Monarch app and assigned to a budget line. That Starbucks gets put under my discretionary budget. As long as I’m on budget, I get to spend how I want. If I buy the kids dinner at CFA, that goes on my discretionary budget. It might be different if you have a teen . Maybe this would work for your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk about it any more until you do the following. This worked for me.

Take on for 3 months in a row categorizing each dollar that is spent.

This is only for expenses incurred. This is not cashflow analysis, this is expenses.

Then, average them.

Then look at his income alone and compare it to that averaged expense.

Have a discussion about the actual numbers going in and coming out.

Maybe, there is enough money to do all of these things and also save but it "feels" too much to you.
Or maybe, there is not enough money to do all of these things.
Jointly decide on how much your budget can support for each person to have in spending money, then it's no questions asked for that. For the stuff that's in the middle figure out where you are willing to work together to reduce expenses (make the smoothie?).

My DH did this and while it was hard to hear, it was effective. He didn’t blame me. He just showed how much was being spent on each line item each month. At the very end, he gently pointed out that he was spending X on himself each month and I was spending Y. Now we each have an equal discretionary budget. If I want Starbucks, I get Starbucks. Each night, all expenses get logged into the Monarch app and assigned to a budget line. That Starbucks gets put under my discretionary budget. As long as I’m on budget, I get to spend how I want. If I buy the kids dinner at CFA, that goes on my discretionary budget. It might be different if you have a teen . Maybe this would work for your DH.

This is a great idea. It’s inevitable that spouses will spend differently and value different things. As long as there is an agreed upon discretionary amount for spending and each person can stick to spending their portion I don’t see an issue.

[Anonymous]

We’re dual income and this would be an unacceptable level of spending. On occasion, it’s fine. On the regular, we would have a talk with each other. We have joint accounts and joint financial goals. We’re in this together and multiple $12 smoothies a week would not work for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re dual income and this would be an unacceptable level of spending. On occasion, it’s fine. On the regular, we would have a talk with each other. We have joint accounts and joint financial goals. We’re in this together and multiple $12 smoothies a week would not work for us.

Yes, but let’s say they each have a $200 discretionary budget each month. As long as he sticks to $200, he can get as many $12 smoothies as he wants. He just can’t go over. That’s the beauty of a budget. I could spend 90% of my budget on Starbucks and 10% on everything else. It’s not DH’s business if I wear thrift store clothes to accommodate my Starbucks habit, as long as I stay within the budget. I suspect the DH will exceed his budget for the first two or three months, DW will gently point it out each time, and if he’s a normal adult, he’ll adjust his spending. After 3 months, I’d have a big talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re dual income and this would be an unacceptable level of spending. On occasion, it’s fine. On the regular, we would have a talk with each other. We have joint accounts and joint financial goals. We’re in this together and multiple $12 smoothies a week would not work for us.

A $12 smoothie is just a smoothie. Inflation has been terrible, and the fresh produce used in smoothies have especially gotten expensive.

It’s hardly luxury to hitting the Jamba Juice after the gym.

https://www.reddit.com/r/MiddleClassFinance/comments/1arly03/jamba_juice_large_smoothie_is_12_this_is/

[Anonymous]

It all depends on the big picture. Is OP making $500k a year? What is their net worth? Could be that this is a nit-picky problem, or it could be causing financial ruin. We don't know without the full picture.

I find it odd that one spouse doesn't know the finances of the other - that makes me worried WRT goals like retirement and college, AND possible debt. Not sure that a pre-nup would get rid of that debt. The pre-nup bit is a marker too - either there is a LOT of money somewhere, or financial issues before they got married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read other threads. It is financial abuse to control what the non employed spouse spends. It is all family money and it doesn't matter who earns it.

what a dumb post.

He's unemployed, ie, not bringing in any income, ie, they need to cut back on expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not huge items but they add up. When I raise the topic, dh gets very defensive and insists these are ‘necessities’ and important for his ‘health’. It is really getting to me as I’m shouldering all the major expenses, and I don’t buy these things for myself. Since being laid off, dh is ‘consulting’ but makes very little.

We have one dc left at home and he now follows dh’s spending patterns.

Examples:
Almost daily smoothies that are $12+
Starbucks
Organic everything - milk, cream, meat, fruit.
Gym membership at pricey gym
Take out - and always with a large drink or two that they end up tossing
New clothing items that they deem ‘necessary’ - eg, new pricey athletic shoes once a season, new boots, etc.

Read “all your worth”. This type of purchases are annoying but are not changing the trajectory of your financial life.

You are the “avacado toast is why you can’t afford a house” camp right now. It’s noise and doesn’t really change anything.

Only exception would be what counts as “pricey” gym — is it close to $1000 /month like a car payment? I know that is one place it can get extreme.

I need new shoes every 6 months and I don’t exercise all the time — your DH might be with all his free time.

Totally disagree. All of those things easily count to 1k a month. 12k a year is like why you can’t afford a home. It’s shocking actually how much the little things add up.

+1 it's the spending habits, even if it's for Starbucks, that cause people to not be able to save. $500/month on gyms, smoothies, etc.. which are necessities is $500 you could be saving.

You have to have a saving mindset, not a spender mindset.

I honestly don't understand people who don't want to cut back even as one spouse has stopped working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk about it any more until you do the following. This worked for me.

Take on for 3 months in a row categorizing each dollar that is spent.

This is only for expenses incurred. This is not cashflow analysis, this is expenses.

Then, average them.

Then look at his income alone and compare it to that averaged expense.

Have a discussion about the actual numbers going in and coming out.

Maybe, there is enough money to do all of these things and also save but it "feels" too much to you.
Or maybe, there is not enough money to do all of these things.
Jointly decide on how much your budget can support for each person to have in spending money, then it's no questions asked for that. For the stuff that's in the middle figure out where you are willing to work together to reduce expenses (make the smoothie?).

My DH did this and while it was hard to hear, it was effective. He didn’t blame me. He just showed how much was being spent on each line item each month. At the very end, he gently pointed out that he was spending X on himself each month and I was spending Y. Now we each have an equal discretionary budget. If I want Starbucks, I get Starbucks. Each night, all expenses get logged into the Monarch app and assigned to a budget line. That Starbucks gets put under my discretionary budget. As long as I’m on budget, I get to spend how I want. If I buy the kids dinner at CFA, that goes on my discretionary budget. It might be different if you have a teen . Maybe this would work for your DH.

My god, how depressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on the big picture. Is OP making $500k a year? What is their net worth? Could be that this is a nit-picky problem, or it could be causing financial ruin. We don't know without the full picture.

I find it odd that one spouse doesn't know the finances of the other - that makes me worried WRT goals like retirement and college, AND possible debt. Not sure that a pre-nup would get rid of that debt. The pre-nup bit is a marker too - either there is a LOT of money somewhere, or financial issues before they got married.

X100

[Anonymous]

Op, healthy mind is flexible. He keeps going like nothing happened to his job.
The rigid people who have hard time finding a job or making changes have often ADHD/ASD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not huge items but they add up. When I raise the topic, dh gets very defensive and insists these are ‘necessities’ and important for his ‘health’. It is really getting to me as I’m shouldering all the major expenses, and I don’t buy these things for myself. Since being laid off, dh is ‘consulting’ but makes very little.

We have one dc left at home and he now follows dh’s spending patterns.

Examples:
Almost daily smoothies that are $12+
Starbucks
Organic everything - milk, cream, meat, fruit.
Gym membership at pricey gym
Take out - and always with a large drink or two that they end up tossing
New clothing items that they deem ‘necessary’ - eg, new pricey athletic shoes once a season, new boots, etc.

Read “all your worth”. This type of purchases are annoying but are not changing the trajectory of your financial life.

You are the “avacado toast is why you can’t afford a house” camp right now. It’s noise and doesn’t really change anything.

Only exception would be what counts as “pricey” gym — is it close to $1000 /month like a car payment? I know that is one place it can get extreme.

I need new shoes every 6 months and I don’t exercise all the time — your DH might be with all his free time.

Totally disagree. All of those things easily count to 1k a month. 12k a year is like why you can’t afford a home. It’s shocking actually how much the little things add up.

+1 it's the spending habits, even if it's for Starbucks, that cause people to not be able to save. $500/month on gyms, smoothies, etc.. which are necessities is $500 you could be saving.

You have to have a saving mindset, not a spender mindset.

I honestly don't understand people who don't want to cut back even as one spouse has stopped working.

You can always cut an expense but you need to consider value and opportunity cost. Maybe you spend less on health care if you go to the gym, and are more likely to go to a nice gym. Likewise, takeout means you aren’t buying groceries so you need to consider the differential cost.

But $500/month in your 50s is not going to change life trajectory in most cases.

Even in your 30s, things like houses appreciate faster than that mid range spending.

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20170530-the-avocado-toast-index-how-many-breakfasts-to-buy-a-house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It all depends on the big picture. Is OP making $500k a year? What is their net worth? Could be that this is a nit-picky problem, or it could be causing financial ruin. We don't know without the full picture.

I find it odd that one spouse doesn't know the finances of the other - that makes me worried WRT goals like retirement and college, AND possible debt. Not sure that a pre-nup would get rid of that debt. The pre-nup bit is a marker too - either there is a LOT of money somewhere, or financial issues before they got married.

Yeah the pre-nup likely makes OP look bad, which is why she hasn’t addressed it. She only revealed it after chiding her foe the folly of separate accounts, and I think that was a slip up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read other threads. It is financial abuse to control what the non employed spouse spends. It is all family money and it doesn't matter who earns it.

You HAVE to be a "stay at home mom"!