Desperately need help to recover from lovesickness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. You need entertainment and work and volunteering. Perhaps you need anxiety medication from a psychiatrist, to help you stop perseverating on this. You might be developing a form of OCD over this, and OCD, while hard to treat, can be helped by anxiety meds. If you continue therapy, you need to focus on what makes you tend to perseverate and ruminate over certain subjects, because I suspect you might have that profile.

I have a big trouble focusing on work now, will probably go for a long walk instead. I don’t ruminate over any other subjects, it’s just that this connection truly feels like once a lifetime, and I can’t understand why he is unwilling to meet in person and just see how that goes. I don’t want to reach out to him again and have no idea whether he is going to reach out to me, ever.

Uh he doesn't want to meet in person because you are sending signals you are a crazy obsessed stalker which you are. He probably feels sorry for you and bad he is the object of your obsession so checking in on you assuages that guilt but no way does he want you anywhere near him. Someone so obsessed they left a marriage because of thinking about him...this screams bunny boiler loud and clear. Reference is to movie Fatal Attraction btw.

You need to pay attention to the above, OP. You're giving off crazy vibes, and he's hearing them loud and clear. You clearly have a mental illness, and you need medical treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wtf? Are you still married? I saw you moved- but didnt see divorce mentioned.

I’m married. Why do I need to divorce? It’s not like I plan to marry anyone else or even date anyone with serious intentions.

But you wanted to. Are you a troll, or do you honestly deny that you moved to be with your crush?

Loopy!

[Anonymous]

It's sounding like OP may be bipolar and is currently unmedicated.

You need a psychiatrist, OP. Please get help before you go totally off the rails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“But the emotional connection and understanding we have is unreal” how do you know this if you only have one trxt per week? Did you spend time together at work?

We spent a lot of time talking to each other. He resonates with me like nobody has ever resonated, I just feel him as if he is a part of myself, and he feels me too - based on his responses to everything I share. That’s why it’s ineffective for me to imagine him doing anything gross - it’s such a deep emotional connection, not really physical.

how long did it last? when did you move to one text per week/refusing to meet tempo? have you ever kissed?

We started working together last June. He treated me with so much care that my heart started melting in August, and since August I’ve been attached to him deeply. He quit that job in the fall, then we reconnected and spoke over the phone and started exchanging texts, then we met once and hugged (not kissed), and then it’s been weekly texts until I moved and started living by myself. At that point we spoke over the phone again and started exchanging texts more often, and based on our conversations and his lack of action, I realized that he has no plans to meet and started dating someone else and told him about that. And now he’s been silent for 3 weeks, and I’m still sitting here crying.

could he be gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, only two things help with lovesickness: 1. Cigarettes. 2. Intense physical exercise. 2 is probably a better choice than 1. Kill yourself in the gym until the pain stops. Then find someone else. Accept you are always going to have some sadness about this, but there is a huge amount of good out there to experience even so.

Umm. I think (if OP is real) the only sadness she will always feel about this is absolute horror and mortification that she ditched her husband of twenty years over a man who doesn’t actually even want to meet up with her.

Right now she is so deep in her fantasy and fixation with this man that she can’t actually internalize how humiliating this all is. I have actually done the same thing in the past- sort of blew up a “connection” I had with a man who, at most, kind of liked me. People with big imaginations seem to be able to do this. It’s so cringe. I’m so sorry OP. The thing that woke me up is when someone finally told me that my “dream guy” had set a clear boundary to protect his own life and didn’t want any part of my emotional rollercoaster. A guy who doesn’t even want to see you doesn’t have a deep connection with you. He senses and likes your admiration but otherwise doesn’t care about you or your best interests. Someday you will “get” it and it will hurt but it’s all for the best.

THIS. I am embarrassed for OP. Her life is not fun or exciting. She is a mess.

Sending good wishes to her husband, who I hope is out living his best life.

DCUM pile-on troll, go back under your bridge where your own pathetic life leaves you so much free time to crap on other people's threads. You're not cute, you're not smart, this isn't the sassy quip you want it to be, you just look like your regular, basic clown self. Loser.

You sound like a defensive cheater.

Never cheated a day in my life. Don't be an asshat. It's simple (but, apparently, not easy for you... Unfortunate.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wtf? Are you still married? I saw you moved- but didnt see divorce mentioned.

I’m married. Why do I need to divorce? It’s not like I plan to marry anyone else or even date anyone with serious intentions.

But you wanted to. Are you a troll, or do you honestly deny that you moved to be with your crush?

Loopy!

My current plan is to travel in October and either rent something long-term or buy a property when I come back - and live by myself, with my pets. This is now, when I’m fully aware that he doesn’t want to be with me - while my husband would be glad if I came back to him today. If I only moved to be with my “crush”, then now that my dream is broken, I would have just gone back home. Yet, this is not something I plan to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“But the emotional connection and understanding we have is unreal” how do you know this if you only have one trxt per week? Did you spend time together at work?

We spent a lot of time talking to each other. He resonates with me like nobody has ever resonated, I just feel him as if he is a part of myself, and he feels me too - based on his responses to everything I share. That’s why it’s ineffective for me to imagine him doing anything gross - it’s such a deep emotional connection, not really physical.

how long did it last? when did you move to one text per week/refusing to meet tempo? have you ever kissed?

We started working together last June. He treated me with so much care that my heart started melting in August, and since August I’ve been attached to him deeply. He quit that job in the fall, then we reconnected and spoke over the phone and started exchanging texts, then we met once and hugged (not kissed), and then it’s been weekly texts until I moved and started living by myself. At that point we spoke over the phone again and started exchanging texts more often, and based on our conversations and his lack of action, I realized that he has no plans to meet and started dating someone else and told him about that. And now he’s been silent for 3 weeks, and I’m still sitting here crying.

could he be gay?

No. He’d had a girlfriend for 10 years, they broke up more than a year ago, exactly when we started working together. Since then, he’s complained to me about loneliness numerous times but said that he doesn’t want to date - yet he had a dating app and had some occasional dates that didn’t lead to anything because he continued to complain about loneliness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. You need entertainment and work and volunteering. Perhaps you need anxiety medication from a psychiatrist, to help you stop perseverating on this. You might be developing a form of OCD over this, and OCD, while hard to treat, can be helped by anxiety meds. If you continue therapy, you need to focus on what makes you tend to perseverate and ruminate over certain subjects, because I suspect you might have that profile.

I have a big trouble focusing on work now, will probably go for a long walk instead. I don’t ruminate over any other subjects, it’s just that this connection truly feels like once a lifetime, and I can’t understand why he is unwilling to meet in person and just see how that goes. I don’t want to reach out to him again and have no idea whether he is going to reach out to me, ever.

Uh he doesn't want to meet in person because you are sending signals you are a crazy obsessed stalker which you are. He probably feels sorry for you and bad he is the object of your obsession so checking in on you assuages that guilt but no way does he want you anywhere near him. Someone so obsessed they left a marriage because of thinking about him...this screams bunny boiler loud and clear. Reference is to movie Fatal Attraction btw.

Does sending a text or two per week indicate obsession, in his view?
Again, I didn’t leave my marriage because of him, I left because I was deeply miserable, but yes, I hoped that he will come to see me or at least I’ll get clarity regarding his intentions - which I now did. Any clarity is better than staying in that emotional limbo for years.

A lot of people, especially men, will happily string you along, breadcrumbing you to keep you around, without any intention of actually following through on any of it. Worse, when you have followed their lead out into the proverbial weeds, they'll then DARVO you and call you a "stalker" or "obsessed", as if they hadn't been leading you on. It's deeply hurtful.

If you're not interested in people, leave them the hell alone, especially if you know they're into you in a way you have no intention of ever reciprocating. Using someone's feelings for your personal narcissistic supply is more mental than liking someone who doesn't like you back. If he'd been clear up front, a lot of this probably could've been avoided.

All the same, OP, now that you know, it falls to you to do the right thing and distance yourself from this person, who clearly isn't the gem you may have once thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“But the emotional connection and understanding we have is unreal” how do you know this if you only have one trxt per week? Did you spend time together at work?

We spent a lot of time talking to each other. He resonates with me like nobody has ever resonated, I just feel him as if he is a part of myself, and he feels me too - based on his responses to everything I share. That’s why it’s ineffective for me to imagine him doing anything gross - it’s such a deep emotional connection, not really physical.

how long did it last? when did you move to one text per week/refusing to meet tempo? have you ever kissed?

We started working together last June. He treated me with so much care that my heart started melting in August, and since August I’ve been attached to him deeply. He quit that job in the fall, then we reconnected and spoke over the phone and started exchanging texts, then we met once and hugged (not kissed), and then it’s been weekly texts until I moved and started living by myself. At that point we spoke over the phone again and started exchanging texts more often, and based on our conversations and his lack of action, I realized that he has no plans to meet and started dating someone else and told him about that. And now he’s been silent for 3 weeks, and I’m still sitting here crying.

could he be gay?

No. He’d had a girlfriend for 10 years, they broke up more than a year ago, exactly when we started working together. Since then, he’s complained to me about loneliness numerous times but said that he doesn’t want to date - yet he had a dating app and had some occasional dates that didn’t lead to anything because he continued to complain about loneliness.

You're both messy af and should be single for as long as it takes to work out your own stuff so you don't get enmeshed in new problematic relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. You need entertainment and work and volunteering. Perhaps you need anxiety medication from a psychiatrist, to help you stop perseverating on this. You might be developing a form of OCD over this, and OCD, while hard to treat, can be helped by anxiety meds. If you continue therapy, you need to focus on what makes you tend to perseverate and ruminate over certain subjects, because I suspect you might have that profile.

I have a big trouble focusing on work now, will probably go for a long walk instead. I don’t ruminate over any other subjects, it’s just that this connection truly feels like once a lifetime, and I can’t understand why he is unwilling to meet in person and just see how that goes. I don’t want to reach out to him again and have no idea whether he is going to reach out to me, ever.

Uh he doesn't want to meet in person because you are sending signals you are a crazy obsessed stalker which you are. He probably feels sorry for you and bad he is the object of your obsession so checking in on you assuages that guilt but no way does he want you anywhere near him. Someone so obsessed they left a marriage because of thinking about him...this screams bunny boiler loud and clear. Reference is to movie Fatal Attraction btw.

Does sending a text or two per week indicate obsession, in his view?
Again, I didn’t leave my marriage because of him, I left because I was deeply miserable, but yes, I hoped that he will come to see me or at least I’ll get clarity regarding his intentions - which I now did. Any clarity is better than staying in that emotional limbo for years.

A lot of people, especially men, will happily string you along, breadcrumbing you to keep you around, without any intention of actually following through on any of it. Worse, when you have followed their lead out into the proverbial weeds, they'll then DARVO you and call you a "stalker" or "obsessed", as if they hadn't been leading you on. It's deeply hurtful.

If you're not interested in people, leave them the hell alone, especially if you know they're into you in a way you have no intention of ever reciprocating. Using someone's feelings for your personal narcissistic supply is more mental than liking someone who doesn't like you back. If he'd been clear up front, a lot of this probably could've been avoided.

All the same, OP, now that you know, it falls to you to do the right thing and distance yourself from this person, who clearly isn't the gem you may have once thought.

He didn’t call me a stalker or obsessed, some of the PPs did. But yes, it’s been very cruel of him to lead me on. Even now, he could have been upfront, but he is hiding behind the silence instead. For example, when a man that I met last week told me how interested he is in building a relationship with me, I told him that he is such an amazing, kind, caring man and deserves a woman that can give him her whole heart, and unfortunately I’m not in a position to commit even to a perfect man at this moment. I made that man feel good!
And the man that I’m addicted to clearly knows a lot of good things about me - so how difficult could that be to name them and then say that I deserve a man who can care about me wholeheartedly, etc.? He is just torturing me.

[Anonymous]

Maybe his silence is kindness so you can go cold turkey.
You should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. You need entertainment and work and volunteering. Perhaps you need anxiety medication from a psychiatrist, to help you stop perseverating on this. You might be developing a form of OCD over this, and OCD, while hard to treat, can be helped by anxiety meds. If you continue therapy, you need to focus on what makes you tend to perseverate and ruminate over certain subjects, because I suspect you might have that profile.

I have a big trouble focusing on work now, will probably go for a long walk instead. I don’t ruminate over any other subjects, it’s just that this connection truly feels like once a lifetime, and I can’t understand why he is unwilling to meet in person and just see how that goes. I don’t want to reach out to him again and have no idea whether he is going to reach out to me, ever.

This is entirely one sided. This is a you problem. And I say this as someone who was lovesick in my early 20s, but I was young.

Snap out of it. This is not some movie. There is no happy ending with a soul mate. That doesn't exist. He clearly doesn't think you're his soul mate even if there is such a thing.

You sound like you need drama in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe his silence is kindness so you can go cold turkey.
You should.

While I agree that she should, silence is violence. Truth is kindness. If the answer is no, say no. If the answer is "I think you're really great, and I'm not available to be the person you deserve" say that. Honestly, if the answer is "Hell no, you delusional _______! " well, say that. Own the truth.

Going silent, ghosting, saying nothing when there's something important you could say... that's not kindness, it's cowardice. Be an adult and speak your truth, especially to someone who has already shown you that courtesy. Don't string people along when there's an easy way to not.

And I still agree she should pinch this turd off, because she has recognized that this "relationship" ain't shit and never will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. You need entertainment and work and volunteering. Perhaps you need anxiety medication from a psychiatrist, to help you stop perseverating on this. You might be developing a form of OCD over this, and OCD, while hard to treat, can be helped by anxiety meds. If you continue therapy, you need to focus on what makes you tend to perseverate and ruminate over certain subjects, because I suspect you might have that profile.

I have a big trouble focusing on work now, will probably go for a long walk instead. I don’t ruminate over any other subjects, it’s just that this connection truly feels like once a lifetime, and I can’t understand why he is unwilling to meet in person and just see how that goes. I don’t want to reach out to him again and have no idea whether he is going to reach out to me, ever.

Uh he doesn't want to meet in person because you are sending signals you are a crazy obsessed stalker which you are. He probably feels sorry for you and bad he is the object of your obsession so checking in on you assuages that guilt but no way does he want you anywhere near him. Someone so obsessed they left a marriage because of thinking about him...this screams bunny boiler loud and clear. Reference is to movie Fatal Attraction btw.

Does sending a text or two per week indicate obsession, in his view?
Again, I didn’t leave my marriage because of him, I left because I was deeply miserable, but yes, I hoped that he will come to see me or at least I’ll get clarity regarding his intentions - which I now did. Any clarity is better than staying in that emotional limbo for years.

A lot of people, especially men, will happily string you along, breadcrumbing you to keep you around, without any intention of actually following through on any of it. Worse, when you have followed their lead out into the proverbial weeds, they'll then DARVO you and call you a "stalker" or "obsessed", as if they hadn't been leading you on. It's deeply hurtful.

If you're not interested in people, leave them the hell alone, especially if you know they're into you in a way you have no intention of ever reciprocating. Using someone's feelings for your personal narcissistic supply is more mental than liking someone who doesn't like you back. If he'd been clear up front, a lot of this probably could've been avoided.

All the same, OP, now that you know, it falls to you to do the right thing and distance yourself from this person, who clearly isn't the gem you may have once thought.

He didn’t call me a stalker or obsessed, some of the PPs did. But yes, it’s been very cruel of him to lead me on. Even now, he could have been upfront, but he is hiding behind the silence instead. For example, when a man that I met last week told me how interested he is in building a relationship with me, I told him that he is such an amazing, kind, caring man and deserves a woman that can give him her whole heart, and unfortunately I’m not in a position to commit even to a perfect man at this moment. I made that man feel good!
And the man that I’m addicted to clearly knows a lot of good things about me - so how difficult could that be to name them and then say that I deserve a man who can care about me wholeheartedly, etc.? He is just torturing me. [/quote]
And you are letting him. Do you always let people treat you like sh(t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe his silence is kindness so you can go cold turkey.
You should.

While I agree that she should, silence is violence. Truth is kindness. If the answer is no, say no. If the answer is "I think you're really great, and I'm not available to be the person you deserve" say that. Honestly, if the answer is "Hell no, you delusional _______! " well, say that. Own the truth.

Going silent, ghosting, saying nothing when there's something important you could say... that's not kindness, it's cowardice. Be an adult and speak your truth, especially to someone who has already shown you that courtesy. Don't string people along when there's an easy way to not.

And I still agree she should pinch this turd off, because she has recognized that this "relationship" ain't shit and never will be.

OP here. Thank you. This is exactly how his silence feels to me - like violence. I don’t know why he is so afraid to tell the truth - I’m super peaceful and he knows that, there is no way I would come and actually stalk or physically hurt him if I don’t like his response.