Desperately need help to recover from lovesickness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you hardly know the man you claim to be in love with. I don't doubt that your feelings are real and intense, but you are projecting them onto an idea represented by a person whose personhood you are mostly imagining. I guarantee you that if you suddenly started to have a relationship with this man it would fall apart.

I think the real issue is that you are craving deeper connection. I hope your therapist is exploring that with you.

Good take here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you hardly know the man you claim to be in love with. I don't doubt that your feelings are real and intense, but you are projecting them onto an idea represented by a person whose personhood you are mostly imagining. I guarantee you that if you suddenly started to have a relationship with this man it would fall apart.

I think the real issue is that you are craving deeper connection. I hope your therapist is exploring that with you.

Maybe I don’t know him that well, but I desperately want to know more - to meet and talk and spend some meaningful time together. I’m actually quite scared of deep connections with other people and act like an avoidant. Last week I met another man through the dating app, and his intentions were so serious. After we met, he sent me a message saying that he is willing to pour all his energies, heart and soul into me - which only made me want to run and crawl under a rock.

Well that's probably a good instinct.

I can't get over throwing away your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Thing you've prioritized above all else even though it's no good for you and never will be... I mean, it does sound like addict behavior...

So treat it like an addiction.

1) Cold turkey that shit. Delete his number, block contacts, erase old emails, take down whatever altar to this guy you've built in your creeper bedroom...
2) SLAA so you get some better coping skills that aren't using relationships/people: https://slaafws.org/
3) A new hobby, or seven, or howevermany you need to stay busy enough that you don't default to obsessing about this thing you can't have and know is bad for you.
4) Friends/social circle who know the truth about your addiction. Having to come clean about this to more than your therapist will help you see how useless it is to keep obsessing over this dude, and how little he actually brought to your life. I agree with a pp who pointed out that most of what you like about him is probably just you projecting your ideal relationship/partner characteristics onto a person you barely know. Imagine him taking a hairy shit and "forgetting" to flush, then eating a freshly-picked booger with his unwashed hand, then barely washing his hands, without soap (like a toddler would) and wiping them on your face towel. After that, he walks into your kitchen, eats the leftover takeout you were saving for tomorrow's lunch and leaves his dishes in the sink (or worse: on the counter!).

Yeah, all your "he's so DREAMY!!!" is in your head. It's not even a bad thing; you believe in love and see the good and potential in others. You just need to rein it in a bit until you know that what you love about people isn't just their potential. This guy has clearly shown you that he's not interested in giving you what you want. Love yourself enough to let him go and redirect all that obsessive energy into loving yourself better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you hardly know the man you claim to be in love with. I don't doubt that your feelings are real and intense, but you are projecting them onto an idea represented by a person whose personhood you are mostly imagining. I guarantee you that if you suddenly started to have a relationship with this man it would fall apart.

I think the real issue is that you are craving deeper connection. I hope your therapist is exploring that with you.

Maybe I don’t know him that well, but I desperately want to know more - to meet and talk and spend some meaningful time together. I’m actually quite scared of deep connections with other people and act like an avoidant. Last week I met another man through the dating app, and his intentions were so serious. After we met, he sent me a message saying that he is willing to pour all his energies, heart and soul into me - which only made me want to run and crawl under a rock.

Well that's probably a good instinct.

I can't get over throwing away your marriage.

I’ve been very unhappy in my marriage for a long time, so it’s a good decision overall, the man I love just gave me that additional motivation I needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you hardly know the man you claim to be in love with. I don't doubt that your feelings are real and intense, but you are projecting them onto an idea represented by a person whose personhood you are mostly imagining. I guarantee you that if you suddenly started to have a relationship with this man it would fall apart.

I think the real issue is that you are craving deeper connection. I hope your therapist is exploring that with you.

Maybe I don’t know him that well, but I desperately want to know more - to meet and talk and spend some meaningful time together. I’m actually quite scared of deep connections with other people and act like an avoidant. Last week I met another man through the dating app, and his intentions were so serious. After we met, he sent me a message saying that he is willing to pour all his energies, heart and soul into me - which only made me want to run and crawl under a rock.

Well that's probably a good instinct.

I can't get over throwing away your marriage.

DP - Any marriage that gets jettisoned like this was already long dead. Nobody happy walks out on their marriage, especially for crumbs like this. She was already gone, she just hadn't admitted it to herself/her spouse yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you hardly know the man you claim to be in love with. I don't doubt that your feelings are real and intense, but you are projecting them onto an idea represented by a person whose personhood you are mostly imagining. I guarantee you that if you suddenly started to have a relationship with this man it would fall apart.

I think the real issue is that you are craving deeper connection. I hope your therapist is exploring that with you.

Maybe I don’t know him that well, but I desperately want to know more - to meet and talk and spend some meaningful time together. I’m actually quite scared of deep connections with other people and act like an avoidant. Last week I met another man through the dating app, and his intentions were so serious. After we met, he sent me a message saying that he is willing to pour all his energies, heart and soul into me - which only made me want to run and crawl under a rock.

Well that's probably a good instinct.

I can't get over throwing away your marriage.

I’ve been very unhappy in my marriage for a long time, so it’s a good decision overall, the man I love just gave me that additional motivation I needed.

Stop calling him "the man I love" and start calling him "the target I'm obsessing over". It'll help you clear your head.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like she had a mental break. Abandoning her husband to try and live with a man she hardly knows?

You need a psychiatrist, OP. You have a mental illness and need appropriate treatment.

[Anonymous]

I’m thinking you need a lot of therapy to deal with all the life changes you created including hormone therapy. Leaving husband of 20 years, chasing a euphoric limerence with ANYONE to replace an emotional affair, looking for advice on getting over an adolescent type crush relationship are big tells. You are questioning your entire life and creating new experiences and in the wake of those impulsive actions you are ending your old life.

I hope you find the outcome you desire, but most of the people I know that have gone through similar struggles ended up regretting the losses they manifested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thing you've prioritized above all else even though it's no good for you and never will be... I mean, it does sound like addict behavior...

So treat it like an addiction.

1) Cold turkey that shit. Delete his number, block contacts, erase old emails, take down whatever altar to this guy you've built in your creeper bedroom...
2) SLAA so you get some better coping skills that aren't using relationships/people: https://slaafws.org/
3) A new hobby, or seven, or howevermany you need to stay busy enough that you don't default to obsessing about this thing you can't have and know is bad for you.
4) Friends/social circle who know the truth about your addiction. Having to come clean about this to more than your therapist will help you see how useless it is to keep obsessing over this dude, and how little he actually brought to your life. I agree with a pp who pointed out that most of what you like about him is probably just you projecting your ideal relationship/partner characteristics onto a person you barely know. Imagine him taking a hairy shit and "forgetting" to flush, then eating a freshly-picked booger with his unwashed hand, then barely washing his hands, without soap (like a toddler would) and wiping them on your face towel. After that, he walks into your kitchen, eats the leftover takeout you were saving for tomorrow's lunch and leaves his dishes in the sink (or worse: on the counter!).

Yeah, all your "he's so DREAMY!!!" is in your head. It's not even a bad thing; you believe in love and see the good and potential in others. You just need to rein it in a bit until you know that what you love about people isn't just their potential. This guy has clearly shown you that he's not interested in giving you what you want. Love yourself enough to let him go and redirect all that obsessive energy into loving yourself better.

Thank you. I deleted his messages and his phone number multiple times but then he texted a week later and that cycle repeated several times. I tried blocking him, but then his phone number appeared on the blocked list and when my longing for him became unbearable, I unblocked it and texted him. At this point I don’t plan to reach out to him myself and don’t know if he ever will. Now he knows that I want him to act and meet in person, and this is not something he is ready for. He probably just wanted to continue our communication over texts and infrequent phone calls - which became very difficult for me, as I want more.

I can’t force myself to do any hobbies besides walking and hiking and meeting with the new men over the dating app.

I looked at the SLAA website, and their steps appear to be based on the power of God, while I’m not religious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, only two things help with lovesickness: 1. Cigarettes. 2. Intense physical exercise. 2 is probably a better choice than 1. Kill yourself in the gym until the pain stops. Then find someone else. Accept you are always going to have some sadness about this, but there is a huge amount of good out there to experience even so.

Umm. I think (if OP is real) the only sadness she will always feel about this is absolute horror and mortification that she ditched her husband of twenty years over a man who doesn’t actually even want to meet up with her.

Right now she is so deep in her fantasy and fixation with this man that she can’t actually internalize how humiliating this all is. I have actually done the same thing in the past- sort of blew up a “connection” I had with a man who, at most, kind of liked me. People with big imaginations seem to be able to do this. It’s so cringe. I’m so sorry OP. The thing that woke me up is when someone finally told me that my “dream guy” had set a clear boundary to protect his own life and didn’t want any part of my emotional rollercoaster. A guy who doesn’t even want to see you doesn’t have a deep connection with you. He senses and likes your admiration but otherwise doesn’t care about you or your best interests. Someday you will “get” it and it will hurt but it’s all for the best.

THIS. I am embarrassed for OP. Her life is not fun or exciting. She is a mess.

Sending good wishes to her husband, who I hope is out living his best life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP sounds like she had a mental break. Abandoning her husband to try and live with a man she hardly knows?

You need a psychiatrist, OP. You have a mental illness and need appropriate treatment.

I didn’t leave my husband to live with another man. I left to live by myself and grieve in solitude and clear my head - which I haven’t succeeded at yet. What kind of mental illness do I have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, only two things help with lovesickness: 1. Cigarettes. 2. Intense physical exercise. 2 is probably a better choice than 1. Kill yourself in the gym until the pain stops. Then find someone else. Accept you are always going to have some sadness about this, but there is a huge amount of good out there to experience even so.

Umm. I think (if OP is real) the only sadness she will always feel about this is absolute horror and mortification that she ditched her husband of twenty years over a man who doesn’t actually even want to meet up with her.

Right now she is so deep in her fantasy and fixation with this man that she can’t actually internalize how humiliating this all is. I have actually done the same thing in the past- sort of blew up a “connection” I had with a man who, at most, kind of liked me. People with big imaginations seem to be able to do this. It’s so cringe. I’m so sorry OP. The thing that woke me up is when someone finally told me that my “dream guy” had set a clear boundary to protect his own life and didn’t want any part of my emotional rollercoaster. A guy who doesn’t even want to see you doesn’t have a deep connection with you. He senses and likes your admiration but otherwise doesn’t care about you or your best interests. Someday you will “get” it and it will hurt but it’s all for the best.

THIS. I am embarrassed for OP. Her life is not fun or exciting. She is a mess.

Sending good wishes to her husband, who I hope is out living his best life.

But this is how my husband treated me - has never provided any emotional support and didn’t want to listen to me - interrupted me on a third word of every sentence! I became so desperate for understanding that when that man at work started giving me a lot of attention and really listened to me and asked personal questions and remembered everything I said - I attached to him to no end! If my husband gave me even 10% of that man’s attention, I would have never ended up in this situation.

[Anonymous]

“But the emotional connection and understanding we have is unreal” how do you know this if you only have one trxt per week? Did you spend time together at work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, only two things help with lovesickness: 1. Cigarettes. 2. Intense physical exercise. 2 is probably a better choice than 1. Kill yourself in the gym until the pain stops. Then find someone else. Accept you are always going to have some sadness about this, but there is a huge amount of good out there to experience even so.

Umm. I think (if OP is real) the only sadness she will always feel about this is absolute horror and mortification that she ditched her husband of twenty years over a man who doesn’t actually even want to meet up with her.

Right now she is so deep in her fantasy and fixation with this man that she can’t actually internalize how humiliating this all is. I have actually done the same thing in the past- sort of blew up a “connection” I had with a man who, at most, kind of liked me. People with big imaginations seem to be able to do this. It’s so cringe. I’m so sorry OP. The thing that woke me up is when someone finally told me that my “dream guy” had set a clear boundary to protect his own life and didn’t want any part of my emotional rollercoaster. A guy who doesn’t even want to see you doesn’t have a deep connection with you. He senses and likes your admiration but otherwise doesn’t care about you or your best interests. Someday you will “get” it and it will hurt but it’s all for the best.

THIS. I am embarrassed for OP. Her life is not fun or exciting. She is a mess.

Sending good wishes to her husband, who I hope is out living his best life.

Oh, nah, we're not gonna do that. No good man leaves his spouse this susceptible to such insignificant bait. Eff that guy because I guarantee you he sucks.

And him sucking doesn't undo or invalidate the fsckery OP managed to get herself into.

Two things can be true simultaneously, and this is not a "we stan a scorned man" thread so GTWFOH with that pickmesha mess.

[Anonymous]

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