Desperately need help to recover from lovesickness

[Anonymous]

If you’ve ever been deeply lovesick and recovered, please help!! More than a year ago, I emotionally attached to a man that I’d worked with. After he quit that job, we reconnected and stayed in touch mostly via text messages once a week or so. I work remotely, and we saw each other in person only once. I’ve never been emotionally close with anyone else my whole life, even though I have a lot of friends and have been married for more than 20 years. For various reasons (mental health issues, addictions, younger age, etc.), he doesn’t show any desire to meet in person, and he lives far away, so it’s not easy anyway.

I was so badly in love with him that I couldn’t live with my husband anymore. I rented a monthly Airbnb in a different state and moved there in July. I also downloaded a dating app to keep me distracted and met a younger, smart, funny, handsome guy who wanted a casual relationship with me, nothing serious. We’ve spent a lot of time together over a month, then he left for a long overseas business trip and gave me the keys to his apartment and car, so that I could stay in his apartment in September, after my monthly rent expires and until he comes back. I moved into his apartment on Sunday, it’s so peaceful and cozy, but I’m crying and am in so much emotional pain because of the man I love.

When the man I love reached out to me at the end of July, I knew by that time that he has no plans to meet in person and told him that I started seeing someone. He said he is glad to hear that and stayed silent for 10 days, and then I reached out to him, and he said: “You’ve found a man and have no need for me. All is well”. I replied with: “I do need you, but you have no desire to meet in person” - and that was 3 weeks ago, and I haven’t heard anything back since then.

I had several therapy sessions, and the therapist said that this man isn’t good for me, and I shouldn’t stay in touch with him and that it hurts so much because I’m grieving and that there is no medication for that, just takes time.

How can I recover from this painful love/attachment/addiction? I feel like jumping off some bridge, can’t tolerate that pain anymore!!

[Anonymous]

OP your publisher is on line 3.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. You need entertainment and work and volunteering. Perhaps you need anxiety medication from a psychiatrist, to help you stop perseverating on this. You might be developing a form of OCD over this, and OCD, while hard to treat, can be helped by anxiety meds. If you continue therapy, you need to focus on what makes you tend to perseverate and ruminate over certain subjects, because I suspect you might have that profile.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, only two things help with lovesickness: 1. Cigarettes. 2. Intense physical exercise. 2 is probably a better choice than 1. Kill yourself in the gym until the pain stops. Then find someone else. Accept you are always going to have some sadness about this, but there is a huge amount of good out there to experience even so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your publisher is on line 3.

I know! My friends are in touch with me daily, waiting to hear for the updates. I manage to sound quite happy when I talk with them, and they say I should write a book or start a YouTube channel. They just don’t know in how much pain I am. It looks very entertaining on the outside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’ve ever been deeply lovesick and recovered, please help!! More than a year ago, I emotionally attached to a man that I’d worked with. After he quit that job, we reconnected and stayed in touch mostly via text messages once a week or so. I work remotely, and we saw each other in person only once. I’ve never been emotionally close with anyone else my whole life, even though I have a lot of friends and have been married for more than 20 years. For various reasons (mental health issues, addictions, younger age, etc.), he doesn’t show any desire to meet in person, and he lives far away, so it’s not easy anyway.

I was so badly in love with him that I couldn’t live with my husband anymore. I rented a monthly Airbnb in a different state and moved there in July. I also downloaded a dating app to keep me distracted and met a younger, smart, funny, handsome guy who wanted a casual relationship with me, nothing serious. We’ve spent a lot of time together over a month, then he left for a long overseas business trip and gave me the keys to his apartment and car, so that I could stay in his apartment in September, after my monthly rent expires and until he comes back. I moved into his apartment on Sunday, it’s so peaceful and cozy, but I’m crying and am in so much emotional pain because of the man I love.

When the man I love reached out to me at the end of July, I knew by that time that he has no plans to meet in person and told him that I started seeing someone. He said he is glad to hear that and stayed silent for 10 days, and then I reached out to him, and he said: “You’ve found a man and have no need for me. All is well”. I replied with: “I do need you, but you have no desire to meet in person” - and that was 3 weeks ago, and I haven’t heard anything back since then.

I had several therapy sessions, and the therapist said that this man isn’t good for me, and I shouldn’t stay in touch with him and that it hurts so much because I’m grieving and that there is no medication for that, just takes time.

How can I recover from this painful love/attachment/addiction? I feel like jumping off some bridge, can’t tolerate that pain anymore!!

You should probably get a few more therapists. I hope the husband you ditched is ok (but he's probably better now).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your publisher is on line 3.

I know! My friends are in touch with me daily, waiting to hear for the updates. I manage to sound quite happy when I talk with them, and they say I should write a book or start a YouTube channel. They just don’t know in how much pain I am. It looks very entertaining on the outside.

You should become a life coach. You're better qualified than most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. You need entertainment and work and volunteering. Perhaps you need anxiety medication from a psychiatrist, to help you stop perseverating on this. You might be developing a form of OCD over this, and OCD, while hard to treat, can be helped by anxiety meds. If you continue therapy, you need to focus on what makes you tend to perseverate and ruminate over certain subjects, because I suspect you might have that profile.

I have a big trouble focusing on work now, will probably go for a long walk instead. I don’t ruminate over any other subjects, it’s just that this connection truly feels like once a lifetime, and I can’t understand why he is unwilling to meet in person and just see how that goes. I don’t want to reach out to him again and have no idea whether he is going to reach out to me, ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, only two things help with lovesickness: 1. Cigarettes. 2. Intense physical exercise. 2 is probably a better choice than 1. Kill yourself in the gym until the pain stops. Then find someone else. Accept you are always going to have some sadness about this, but there is a huge amount of good out there to experience even so.

I don’t smoke. I walk and hike a lot but should probably start running. This apartment complex has a swimming pool, so I’ll go explore it, but I don’t know if there is a gym on the premises. I definitely want to find someone else and wish my new man stayed in this apartment now instead of being in Europe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’ve ever been deeply lovesick and recovered, please help!! More than a year ago, I emotionally attached to a man that I’d worked with. After he quit that job, we reconnected and stayed in touch mostly via text messages once a week or so. I work remotely, and we saw each other in person only once. I’ve never been emotionally close with anyone else my whole life, even though I have a lot of friends and have been married for more than 20 years. For various reasons (mental health issues, addictions, younger age, etc.), he doesn’t show any desire to meet in person, and he lives far away, so it’s not easy anyway.

I was so badly in love with him that I couldn’t live with my husband anymore. I rented a monthly Airbnb in a different state and moved there in July. I also downloaded a dating app to keep me distracted and met a younger, smart, funny, handsome guy who wanted a casual relationship with me, nothing serious. We’ve spent a lot of time together over a month, then he left for a long overseas business trip and gave me the keys to his apartment and car, so that I could stay in his apartment in September, after my monthly rent expires and until he comes back. I moved into his apartment on Sunday, it’s so peaceful and cozy, but I’m crying and am in so much emotional pain because of the man I love.

When the man I love reached out to me at the end of July, I knew by that time that he has no plans to meet in person and told him that I started seeing someone. He said he is glad to hear that and stayed silent for 10 days, and then I reached out to him, and he said: “You’ve found a man and have no need for me. All is well”. I replied with: “I do need you, but you have no desire to meet in person” - and that was 3 weeks ago, and I haven’t heard anything back since then.

I had several therapy sessions, and the therapist said that this man isn’t good for me, and I shouldn’t stay in touch with him and that it hurts so much because I’m grieving and that there is no medication for that, just takes time.

How can I recover from this painful love/attachment/addiction? I feel like jumping off some bridge, can’t tolerate that pain anymore!!

You should probably get a few more therapists. I hope the husband you ditched is ok (but he's probably better now).

He is ok, he doesn’t know any of these details - that I’m so deeply in love, that I got a new man and moved to his apartment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your publisher is on line 3.

I know! My friends are in touch with me daily, waiting to hear for the updates. I manage to sound quite happy when I talk with them, and they say I should write a book or start a YouTube channel. They just don’t know in how much pain I am. It looks very entertaining on the outside.

You should become a life coach. You're better qualified than most.

That’s what my friend told me yesterday - life coach or motivational speaker. If I don’t jump off a bridge and get my feelings under control, I’ll think about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, only two things help with lovesickness: 1. Cigarettes. 2. Intense physical exercise. 2 is probably a better choice than 1. Kill yourself in the gym until the pain stops. Then find someone else. Accept you are always going to have some sadness about this, but there is a huge amount of good out there to experience even so.

Umm. I think (if OP is real) the only sadness she will always feel about this is absolute horror and mortification that she ditched her husband of twenty years over a man who doesn’t actually even want to meet up with her.

Right now she is so deep in her fantasy and fixation with this man that she can’t actually internalize how humiliating this all is. I have actually done the same thing in the past- sort of blew up a “connection” I had with a man who, at most, kind of liked me. People with big imaginations seem to be able to do this. It’s so cringe. I’m so sorry OP. The thing that woke me up is when someone finally told me that my “dream guy” had set a clear boundary to protect his own life and didn’t want any part of my emotional rollercoaster. A guy who doesn’t even want to see you doesn’t have a deep connection with you. He senses and likes your admiration but otherwise doesn’t care about you or your best interests. Someday you will “get” it and it will hurt but it’s all for the best.

[Anonymous]

OP, you hardly know the man you claim to be in love with. I don't doubt that your feelings are real and intense, but you are projecting them onto an idea represented by a person whose personhood you are mostly imagining. I guarantee you that if you suddenly started to have a relationship with this man it would fall apart.

I think the real issue is that you are craving deeper connection. I hope your therapist is exploring that with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, only two things help with lovesickness: 1. Cigarettes. 2. Intense physical exercise. 2 is probably a better choice than 1. Kill yourself in the gym until the pain stops. Then find someone else. Accept you are always going to have some sadness about this, but there is a huge amount of good out there to experience even so.

Umm. I think (if OP is real) the only sadness she will always feel about this is absolute horror and mortification that she ditched her husband of twenty years over a man who doesn’t actually even want to meet up with her.

Right now she is so deep in her fantasy and fixation with this man that she can’t actually internalize how humiliating this all is. I have actually done the same thing in the past- sort of blew up a “connection” I had with a man who, at most, kind of liked me. People with big imaginations seem to be able to do this. It’s so cringe. I’m so sorry OP. The thing that woke me up is when someone finally told me that my “dream guy” had set a clear boundary to protect his own life and didn’t want any part of my emotional rollercoaster. A guy who doesn’t even want to see you doesn’t have a deep connection with you. He senses and likes your admiration but otherwise doesn’t care about you or your best interests. Someday you will “get” it and it will hurt but it’s all for the best.

I have no illusions about him anymore. I know that he is struggling with addictions, depression, anxiety and various other mental and physical health issues. He isn’t a happy person by any means and is not on a position to make anyone else happy either. But the emotional connection and understanding we have is unreal. I just can’t have it limited to one message per week and either need a real life relationship (which he has no capacity for) or nothing (which is extremely painful).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you hardly know the man you claim to be in love with. I don't doubt that your feelings are real and intense, but you are projecting them onto an idea represented by a person whose personhood you are mostly imagining. I guarantee you that if you suddenly started to have a relationship with this man it would fall apart.

I think the real issue is that you are craving deeper connection. I hope your therapist is exploring that with you.

Maybe I don’t know him that well, but I desperately want to know more - to meet and talk and spend some meaningful time together. I’m actually quite scared of deep connections with other people and act like an avoidant. Last week I met another man through the dating app, and his intentions were so serious. After we met, he sent me a message saying that he is willing to pour all his energies, heart and soul into me - which only made me want to run and crawl under a rock.