Wife's refusal to treat her OCD is getting in the way of our marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Violence isn't a symptom of OCD.

OCD rage attacks are common. Please educate yourself.

My ex husband was diagnosed with OCD. He was put on Zoloft. One of his symptoms was flying into Rages.

He also had difficulties holding onto jobs.

OP, we are no longer together. We were married for eight years, but it was a difficult due to the OCD.

Same situation with my ex wife as well. Sadly we have 50/50 and my 17 years old son said tommw.he can't wait until he is off to college so he will never been in the same house with her again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She seems to have on and off periods and it's really tiring having to deal with it. We have two entire rooms full of her papers from 9th grade through college and all types of other possessions that she does not need anymore. She does not like me rearranging/fixing anything in the house in case I might throw away something she still needs. She fixates on specific drinks and stocks the fridge up with that one drink for months and does not buy any other. She knows these are things she needs to get treatment for but she doesn't want too. We've had many arguments about this and she just gets angry really fast about everything on a day to day basis (throwing things at walls, damaging doors). It's truly ruining our marriage. I love her and see a future for us but not sure what to do next.

Involve her parent or sibling to get her to see a mental health physician. Its not only necessary for your marriage but her own mental and physical health.

Hire a home organizer on flat fee to handle hoarding and organizing issue. Giving someone $1k to save you from confrontation and stress is worth it. As far as drinks go, let her stock up if it helps her find some calmness. You can get a small fridge to store what food or drinks you want.

This would be a good idea but it looks like he's her main support considering the fact that she did not tell her family about her OCD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you will never have children. You should never have children with this person. Why do you choose this? It is a choice. This is on you. Why do you think choosing someone who's mentally ill is your happiest life?

I honestly hope that YOU don’t have children. You are a monster.

It is TERRIBLE to grow up with a hoarder for a parent. Read Jessie Scholl's book called Dirty Secret. My mom wasn't even a hoarder but made me save all kinds of things (like every single book report I ever did (four per month starting in 2nd grade) through all of elementary and middle school) for YEARS. Every costume from every play, even after I'd grown out of it and there was no younger sibling/cousin and no way to repurpose it for another costume. Little girl barrettes even after I was a teenager and would never wear them. Dolls she insisted on getting me that I never wanted - there were over 30 of them that I couldn't play with or touch that she wanted me to cherish but I didn't. After I moved out and was able to get rid of all this it was a HUGE weight off, and again, she wasn't even a real hoarder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She seems to have on and off periods and it's really tiring having to deal with it. We have two entire rooms full of her papers from 9th grade through college and all types of other possessions that she does not need anymore. She does not like me rearranging/fixing anything in the house in case I might throw away something she still needs. She fixates on specific drinks and stocks the fridge up with that one drink for months and does not buy any other. She knows these are things she needs to get treatment for but she doesn't want too. We've had many arguments about this and she just gets angry really fast about everything on a day to day basis (throwing things at walls, damaging doors). It's truly ruining our marriage. I love her and see a future for us but not sure what to do next.

She doesn't need them, but does she want them? I guarantee you have old crap you don't technically "need" either, but if you have the room to keep it, what's the problem? Similarly, fixating on specific drinks (or activities, or hobbies, or shows, or...) isn't a problem in and of itself.

Are you the problem? Are you the one making these things a problem? Maybe focus on solving the problem(s) you're responsible for instead of picking fights with her about how you think she needs to change is a more sustainable solution.

Those are just examples of some ways her OCD manifests that I had right on the top of my head. I know she's struggling and needs help, so I want to help her.

This is PP 09:37. OP, ignore the PPs who want to be amateur armchair psychologists and are attacking you as the problem. None of us on this thread have enough information about your situation to make ANY definitive call about your particular situation. We can only speak from our own experiences.

I posted from my experience with my young adult child diagnosed with OCD. Over the past ten years, child has been through OCD treatment several times (plain CBT which was a disaster and made things worse; ERP which worked well with the external compulsions; and now Inference-based Cognitive-Behavorial Therapy for ongoing internal compulsions which so far is going well). The OCD quiets down for long stretches but never goes away. The OCD ebbs and flows in times of stress when it can be debilitating while over time the particular flavor of OCD (scrupulosity, contamination, over-responsibility, perfectionism, etc.) has morphed. OCD is absolutely draining for the whole family to deal with. That said, my child is an amazing person who I love dearly.

What has been most difficult as a parent trying to help is not knowing when my child is caught up in the mental compulsions which are going at full steam (checking, ruminating, seeking reassurance, avoidance). I-CBT describes this state for the OCD sufferer as crossing the bridge into the OCD Bubble and getting so caught up in the story OCD is telling them that they can't get back out.

I've found it very helpful listening to "The OCD Stories" podcast from Stuart Ralph -- a psychotherapist treating OCD and anxiety disorders in the UK -- and watching Chrissie Hodges' YouTube channel -- she is an OCD advocate and a certified peer support specialist for OCD. For something a bit more "lighthearted" but still educational, try the "OCD doodles" account from Laura Johnson on Instagram.

OP, don't forget to take care of yourself, too! It's a long, hard journey.

Thanks for all resourses/advice you'd provided for me. I feel like DW isn't 100% her best self and that's what I want her to become.

I bet you think this is healthy and helpful, but it's not. This is a you problem. Nobody is "100% their best self" ever; we're all a work in progress (at best) and there are times where we seem to be stuck or stagnating that are extremely important to our rest and (re)growth. Stop trying to change your wife and change the person whose expectations you can control: yourself. You can't want someone else's health/growth any more than they do.

You are revealing yourself to be the problem every time you post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you will never have children. You should never have children with this person. Why do you choose this? It is a choice. This is on you. Why do you think choosing someone who's mentally ill is your happiest life?

The mental illness in this comment is overwhelming. Seek help, judgey judy. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you will never have children. You should never have children with this person. Why do you choose this? It is a choice. This is on you. Why do you think choosing someone who's mentally ill is your happiest life?

I honestly hope that YOU don’t have children. You are a monster.

It is TERRIBLE to grow up with a hoarder for a parent. Read Jessie Scholl's book called Dirty Secret. My mom wasn't even a hoarder but made me save all kinds of things (like every single book report I ever did (four per month starting in 2nd grade) through all of elementary and middle school) for YEARS. Every costume from every play, even after I'd grown out of it and there was no younger sibling/cousin and no way to repurpose it for another costume. Little girl barrettes even after I was a teenager and would never wear them. Dolls she insisted on getting me that I never wanted - there were over 30 of them that I couldn't play with or touch that she wanted me to cherish but I didn't. After I moved out and was able to get rid of all this it was a HUGE weight off, and again, she wasn't even a real hoarder.

Bro, OP's wife isn't a "hoarder". You may need therapy for your baggage so you can stop projecting it onto strangers and their DCUM posts.

[Anonymous]

When she stocks up on the drink does she actually drink them? Seems like NBD. Help her scan her papers on on a hard drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of you guys are acting super harsh towards someone who wants to help their spouse. OCD does not prevent you from having children and is not "mentally ill". A whole lot of ableism on here.

OP doesn’t want to help his spouse, though. He wants her to change her behavior so that it no longer annoys him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She seems to have on and off periods and it's really tiring having to deal with it. We have two entire rooms full of her papers from 9th grade through college and all types of other possessions that she does not need anymore. She does not like me rearranging/fixing anything in the house in case I might throw away something she still needs. She fixates on specific drinks and stocks the fridge up with that one drink for months and does not buy any other. She knows these are things she needs to get treatment for but she doesn't want too. We've had many arguments about this and she just gets angry really fast about everything on a day to day basis (throwing things at walls, damaging doors). It's truly ruining our marriage. I love her and see a future for us but not sure what to do next.

She doesn't need them, but does she want them? I guarantee you have old crap you don't technically "need" either, but if you have the room to keep it, what's the problem? Similarly, fixating on specific drinks (or activities, or hobbies, or shows, or...) isn't a problem in and of itself.

Are you the problem? Are you the one making these things a problem? Maybe focus on solving the problem(s) you're responsible for instead of picking fights with her about how you think she needs to change is a more sustainable solution.

Those are just examples of some ways her OCD manifests that I had right on the top of my head. I know she's struggling and needs help, so I want to help her.

This is PP 09:37. OP, ignore the PPs who want to be amateur armchair psychologists and are attacking you as the problem. None of us on this thread have enough information about your situation to make ANY definitive call about your particular situation. We can only speak from our own experiences.

I posted from my experience with my young adult child diagnosed with OCD. Over the past ten years, child has been through OCD treatment several times (plain CBT which was a disaster and made things worse; ERP which worked well with the external compulsions; and now Inference-based Cognitive-Behavorial Therapy for ongoing internal compulsions which so far is going well). The OCD quiets down for long stretches but never goes away. The OCD ebbs and flows in times of stress when it can be debilitating while over time the particular flavor of OCD (scrupulosity, contamination, over-responsibility, perfectionism, etc.) has morphed. OCD is absolutely draining for the whole family to deal with. That said, my child is an amazing person who I love dearly.

What has been most difficult as a parent trying to help is not knowing when my child is caught up in the mental compulsions which are going at full steam (checking, ruminating, seeking reassurance, avoidance). I-CBT describes this state for the OCD sufferer as crossing the bridge into the OCD Bubble and getting so caught up in the story OCD is telling them that they can't get back out.

I've found it very helpful listening to "The OCD Stories" podcast from Stuart Ralph -- a psychotherapist treating OCD and anxiety disorders in the UK -- and watching Chrissie Hodges' YouTube channel -- she is an OCD advocate and a certified peer support specialist for OCD. For something a bit more "lighthearted" but still educational, try the "OCD doodles" account from Laura Johnson on Instagram.

OP, don't forget to take care of yourself, too! It's a long, hard journey.

Thanks for all resourses/advice you'd provided for me. I feel like DW isn't 100% her best self and that's what I want her to become.

I bet you think this is healthy and helpful, but it's not. This is a you problem. Nobody is "100% their best self" ever; we're all a work in progress (at best) and there are times where we seem to be stuck or stagnating that are extremely important to our rest and (re)growth. Stop trying to change your wife and change the person whose expectations you can control: yourself. You can't want someone else's health/growth any more than they do.

You are revealing yourself to be the problem every time you post.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of you guys are acting super harsh towards someone who wants to help their spouse. OCD does not prevent you from having children and is not "mentally ill". A whole lot of ableism on here.

OP doesn’t want to help his spouse, though. He wants her to change her behavior so that it no longer annoys him.

Hoarding, preventing him from tidying up, reckless violence, and anger issues, which he says is just SOME of the behavior she exhibits isn't only mildly annoying to him but very dangerous for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of you guys are acting super harsh towards someone who wants to help their spouse. OCD does not prevent you from having children and is not "mentally ill". A whole lot of ableism on here.

OP doesn’t want to help his spouse, though. He wants her to change her behavior so that it no longer annoys him.

Hoarding, preventing him from tidying up, reckless violence, and anger issues, which he says is just SOME of the behavior she exhibits isn't only mildly annoying to him but very dangerous for herself.

You either lack reading comprehension or you’re an insufferable liar. Not wanting to throw out all of her possessions that OP has decided she doesn’t need isn’t hoarding. Not wanting OP to throw out her stuff behind her back isn’t preventing him from tidying up. And her anger issues clearly stem from being nagged and criticized constantly. That would make anyone mad. Nothing OP listed is dangerous for anyone involved, get a freaking grip.

You can call slamming doors violence if you want to, it certainly fits your penchant for hyperbole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of you guys are acting super harsh towards someone who wants to help their spouse. OCD does not prevent you from having children and is not "mentally ill". A whole lot of ableism on here.

OP doesn’t want to help his spouse, though. He wants her to change her behavior so that it no longer annoys him.

Hoarding, preventing him from tidying up, reckless violence, and anger issues, which he says is just SOME of the behavior she exhibits isn't only mildly annoying to him but very dangerous for herself.

You either lack reading comprehension or you’re an insufferable liar. Not wanting to throw out all of her possessions that OP has decided she doesn’t need isn’t hoarding. Not wanting OP to throw out her stuff behind her back isn’t preventing him from tidying up. And her anger issues clearly stem from being nagged and criticized constantly. That would make anyone mad. Nothing OP listed is dangerous for anyone involved, get a freaking grip.

You can call slamming doors violence if you want to, it certainly fits your penchant for hyperbole.

Okay, so what's your point? You don't know the full context and the few things that stuck out to him that he mentioned don't tell the full story. Storing old papers from high school and all types of documents that take up multiple rooms is definitely abnormal hoarding. He most likely is not throwing things out but just rearranging things differently makes her uncomfortable which is unhealthy. Destroying and breaking objects is dangerous. She literally has a diagnosis that explains these behaviors which she needs treatment for so not sure how I'm a liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of you guys are acting super harsh towards someone who wants to help their spouse. OCD does not prevent you from having children and is not "mentally ill". A whole lot of ableism on here.

OP doesn’t want to help his spouse, though. He wants her to change her behavior so that it no longer annoys him.

Hoarding, preventing him from tidying up, reckless violence, and anger issues, which he says is just SOME of the behavior she exhibits isn't only mildly annoying to him but very dangerous for herself.

You either lack reading comprehension or you’re an insufferable liar. Not wanting to throw out all of her possessions that OP has decided she doesn’t need isn’t hoarding. Not wanting OP to throw out her stuff behind her back isn’t preventing him from tidying up. And her anger issues clearly stem from being nagged and criticized constantly. That would make anyone mad. Nothing OP listed is dangerous for anyone involved, get a freaking grip.

You can call slamming doors violence if you want to, it certainly fits your penchant for hyperbole.

Okay, so what's your point? You don't know the full context and the few things that stuck out to him that he mentioned don't tell the full story. Storing old papers from high school and all types of documents that take up multiple rooms is definitely abnormal hoarding. He most likely is not throwing things out but just rearranging things differently makes her uncomfortable which is unhealthy. Destroying and breaking objects is dangerous. She literally has a diagnosis that explains these behaviors which she needs treatment for so not sure how I'm a liar.

Diagnosis =/= needs treatment.

Not sure why that’s so difficult for you to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of you guys are acting super harsh towards someone who wants to help their spouse. OCD does not prevent you from having children and is not "mentally ill". A whole lot of ableism on here.

OP doesn’t want to help his spouse, though. He wants her to change her behavior so that it no longer annoys him.

Hoarding, preventing him from tidying up, reckless violence, and anger issues, which he says is just SOME of the behavior she exhibits isn't only mildly annoying to him but very dangerous for herself.

You either lack reading comprehension or you’re an insufferable liar. Not wanting to throw out all of her possessions that OP has decided she doesn’t need isn’t hoarding. Not wanting OP to throw out her stuff behind her back isn’t preventing him from tidying up. And her anger issues clearly stem from being nagged and criticized constantly. That would make anyone mad. Nothing OP listed is dangerous for anyone involved, get a freaking grip.

You can call slamming doors violence if you want to, it certainly fits your penchant for hyperbole.

Okay, so what's your point? You don't know the full context and the few things that stuck out to him that he mentioned don't tell the full story. Storing old papers from high school and all types of documents that take up multiple rooms is definitely abnormal hoarding. He most likely is not throwing things out but just rearranging things differently makes her uncomfortable which is unhealthy. Destroying and breaking objects is dangerous. She literally has a diagnosis that explains these behaviors which she needs treatment for so not sure how I'm a liar.

Diagnosis =/= needs treatment.

Not sure why that’s so difficult for you to understand.

Obviously, she does cause it makes her relationships difficult. The virtue signalling needs to stop, you're only doing people a disservice with bad advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, She does hoard but both rooms are both very neat. She had a bad experience with a therapist prior, so that is why she does not want to get any treatment. She has never been violent towards me but has been against property. We don't have any children. Her family would really shame her and think she was crazy so they don't know about her diagnosis.

Do you want kids? I would not have children with someone who refuses to be treated, so if she wants them, then that's the deal, otherwise you leave. Also, consider if you really want to procreate with those genes. I'm not trying to be rude, but ask anyone who has kids with ADHD, OCD, OPP, etc.

We're not planning on having kids now but definitely in the near future. I'm fine with procreating with her, her OCD is an isolated/rare case in both our families. Besides this she's a great wife in every other way.

With all due respect, anyone breaking stuff in fits of rage is a category-killer. There is no “great” anyone in any category who also does that. Get it together. Do not have kids while this is ongoing.