Wife's refusal to treat her OCD is getting in the way of our marriage

[Anonymous]

She seems to have on and off periods and it's really tiring having to deal with it. We have two entire rooms full of her papers from 9th grade through college and all types of other possessions that she does not need anymore. She does not like me rearranging/fixing anything in the house in case I might throw away something she still needs. She fixates on specific drinks and stocks the fridge up with that one drink for months and does not buy any other. She knows these are things she needs to get treatment for but she doesn't want too. We've had many arguments about this and she just gets angry really fast about everything on a day to day basis (throwing things at walls, damaging doors). It's truly ruining our marriage. I love her and see a future for us but not sure what to do next.

[Anonymous]

Tell her if she doesn't get treatment you're moving out. She has a month to get an appointment and has to stick with it for at least a year once she starts.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be with someone that unstable.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids?

That doesn’t seem sustainable for cohabitation. You need to be in individual therapy so you have someone to help you figure out your plan. You need and deserve a peaceful, clean home.

[Anonymous]

It gets worse, not better.

[Anonymous]

Don’t have kids at this point. You need to move out until she is on meds and stable in treatment for a year. Assuming you knew this before marriage, I’m assuming you are woefully uneducated on this subject. You should also seek therapy to talk through how you got into this mess (literally and figuratively).

My sister married a man with OCD, but he is medicated and in treatment. They have been married for 20 years. She would have left him if he hadn’t gotten stable. That said, his OCD came out with extreme workaholism (and some other quirks around certain things). Your wife sounds like a hoarder, which is actually dangerous.

My sister did have two kids and seems happily married, but it has included her own individual therapy and marriage counseling from time to time. This stuff is pretty inheritable. Her oldest ended up with OCD and GAD as a tween. He now has a bipolar diagnosis as well. Their second child seems unaffected. They have a happy life but that would not be the case if everyone wasn’t really seeking to do their best and med compliance is critical.

[Anonymous]

Oh wait, I somehow missed the anger and violence. Get out now and get a divorce. Don’t have kids with this person ever.

[Anonymous]

This is tough, and I think pretty common.

Can you help her identify what’s getting in the way of help? And then start to find ways to clear those obstacles?

Are there more creative ways to find help…perhaps a friend that can come in and keep her company while she tackles a room.

Have you gotten clear on what you can live with and what you can’t? Have you communicated those boundaries?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She seems to have on and off periods and it's really tiring having to deal with it. We have two entire rooms full of her papers from 9th grade through college and all types of other possessions that she does not need anymore. She does not like me rearranging/fixing anything in the house in case I might throw away something she still needs. She fixates on specific drinks and stocks the fridge up with that one drink for months and does not buy any other. She knows these are things she needs to get treatment for but she doesn't want too. We've had many arguments about this and she just gets angry really fast about everything on a day to day basis (throwing things at walls, damaging doors). It's truly ruining our marriage. I love her and see a future for us but not sure what to do next.

You leave. This isn't hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is tough, and I think pretty common.

Can you help her identify what’s getting in the way of help? And then start to find ways to clear those obstacles?

Are there more creative ways to find help…perhaps a friend that can come in and keep her company while she tackles a room.

Have you gotten clear on what you can live with and what you can’t? Have you communicated those boundaries?

It is not “common” to have two rooms full of hoarding. Unless you mean common on the TV show, Hoarders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her if she doesn't get treatment you're moving out. She has a month to get an appointment and has to stick with it for at least a year once she starts.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She seems to have on and off periods and it's really tiring having to deal with it. We have two entire rooms full of her papers from 9th grade through college and all types of other possessions that she does not need anymore. She does not like me rearranging/fixing anything in the house in case I might throw away something she still needs. She fixates on specific drinks and stocks the fridge up with that one drink for months and does not buy any other. She knows these are things she needs to get treatment for but she doesn't want too. We've had many arguments about this and she just gets angry really fast about everything on a day to day basis (throwing things at walls, damaging doors). It's truly ruining our marriage. I love her and see a future for us but not sure what to do next.

Involve her parent or sibling to get her to see a mental health physician. Its not only necessary for your marriage but her own mental and physical health.

Hire a home organizer on flat fee to handle hoarding and organizing issue. Giving someone $1k to save you from confrontation and stress is worth it. As far as drinks go, let her stock up if it helps her find some calmness. You can get a small fridge to store what food or drinks you want.

[Anonymous]

* Make sure you two aren't having any kids until you two successfully navigate this issue.

As far as throwing or damaging things go, let her know that this has to stop or you'll have to move out.

Also sometimes moving homes helps shed unwanted junk.

[Anonymous]

*No one with OCD should be drinking alcoholic, high sugar or caffeine beverages.

[Anonymous]

OP here, She does hoard but both rooms are both very neat. She had a bad experience with a therapist prior, so that is why she does not want to get any treatment. She has never been violent towards me but has been against property. We don't have any children. Her family would really shame her and think she was crazy so they don't know about her diagnosis.