Wife's refusal to treat her OCD is getting in the way of our marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Violence isn't a symptom of OCD.

Right? None of this sounds like OCD. I can’t figure it out.

It sounds like OCD to me. What makes you think otherwise?

Well, I guess the compulsion is hoarding, but what’s the obsession?
And why are they fighting all of the time?
I don’t have a great idea of what’s going on, but I don’t immediately think “OCD”

He said she has a diagnosis.

What would a trained psychiatrist know about OCD compared to the geniuses of DCUM?

That being said, just because she has a diagnosis doesn’t mean she has a *problem* requiring treatment. From OP’s description it doesn’t sound like this negatively impacts her daily life (other than the fighting which one could argue is just as much a result of OP’s constant nagging and criticism).

She gets fixated on certain drinks for awhile. Ok. Who cares?

She has hoarding tendencies when it comes to her old papers and books, but she manages to keep her excess neat and clean? Again, who cares?

None of this sounds particularly off the rails. Awareness of the diagnosis is important in case she gets worse and it does start impacting her in the future, but demanding therapy and drugs because her brain isn’t perfect is pretty outrageous IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, She does hoard but both rooms are both very neat. She had a bad experience with a therapist prior, so that is why she does not want to get any treatment. She has never been violent towards me but has been against property. We don't have any children. Her family would really shame her and think she was crazy so they don't know about her diagnosis.

Do you want kids? I would not have children with someone who refuses to be treated, so if she wants them, then that's the deal, otherwise you leave. Also, consider if you really want to procreate with those genes. I'm not trying to be rude, but ask anyone who has kids with ADHD, OCD, OPP, etc.

Be real careful where you set this bar, PP. Literally everyone has something. There are no psychologically healthy people in the US. It's not possible. There are some who can mask, and do (for years), but that often cracks. Some of the biggest problems are people who think they don't have any...

Your comment sounds an awful lot like eugenics, and is ableist on its face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Violence isn't a symptom of OCD.

Right? None of this sounds like OCD. I can’t figure it out.

It sounds like OCD to me. What makes you think otherwise?

Well, I guess the compulsion is hoarding, but what’s the obsession?
And why are they fighting all of the time?
I don’t have a great idea of what’s going on, but I don’t immediately think “OCD”

He said she has a diagnosis.

What would a trained psychiatrist know about OCD compared to the geniuses of DCUM?

That being said, just because she has a diagnosis doesn’t mean she has a *problem* requiring treatment. From OP’s description it doesn’t sound like this negatively impacts her daily life (other than the fighting which one could argue is just as much a result of OP’s constant nagging and criticism).

She gets fixated on certain drinks for awhile. Ok. Who cares?

She has hoarding tendencies when it comes to her old papers and books, but she manages to keep her excess neat and clean? Again, who cares?

None of this sounds particularly off the rails. Awareness of the diagnosis is important in case she gets worse and it does start impacting her in the future, but demanding therapy and drugs because her brain isn’t perfect is pretty outrageous IMO.

Agreed. Having a diagnosis also means she was willing to seek care. It's horrible that her previous "care provider" sucked at their job (so many people who go into psych epitomize "those who can, do. those who can't, teach"), but maybe with proper support she'd consider trying again.

The blame level in OP's post strongly suggests they're a large part of the problem, if not the entire problem. Stocking the fridge with your beverage of choice and neatly maintaining your personal archives doesn't sound like "hoarding" at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She seems to have on and off periods and it's really tiring having to deal with it. We have two entire rooms full of her papers from 9th grade through college and all types of other possessions that she does not need anymore. She does not like me rearranging/fixing anything in the house in case I might throw away something she still needs. She fixates on specific drinks and stocks the fridge up with that one drink for months and does not buy any other. She knows these are things she needs to get treatment for but she doesn't want too. We've had many arguments about this and she just gets angry really fast about everything on a day to day basis (throwing things at walls, damaging doors). It's truly ruining our marriage. I love her and see a future for us but not sure what to do next.

She doesn't need them, but does she want them? I guarantee you have old crap you don't technically "need" either, but if you have the room to keep it, what's the problem? Similarly, fixating on specific drinks (or activities, or hobbies, or shows, or...) isn't a problem in and of itself.

Are you the problem? Are you the one making these things a problem? Maybe focus on solving the problem(s) you're responsible for instead of picking fights with her about how you think she needs to change is a more sustainable solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She seems to have on and off periods and it's really tiring having to deal with it. We have two entire rooms full of her papers from 9th grade through college and all types of other possessions that she does not need anymore. She does not like me rearranging/fixing anything in the house in case I might throw away something she still needs. She fixates on specific drinks and stocks the fridge up with that one drink for months and does not buy any other. She knows these are things she needs to get treatment for but she doesn't want too. We've had many arguments about this and she just gets angry really fast about everything on a day to day basis (throwing things at walls, damaging doors). It's truly ruining our marriage. I love her and see a future for us but not sure what to do next.

She doesn't need them, but does she want them? I guarantee you have old crap you don't technically "need" either, but if you have the room to keep it, what's the problem? Similarly, fixating on specific drinks (or activities, or hobbies, or shows, or...) isn't a problem in and of itself.

Are you the problem? Are you the one making these things a problem? Maybe focus on solving the problem(s) you're responsible for instead of picking fights with her about how you think she needs to change is a more sustainable solution.

Those are just examples of some ways her OCD manifests that I had right on the top of my head. I know she's struggling and needs help, so I want to help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Violence isn't a symptom of OCD.

Right? None of this sounds like OCD. I can’t figure it out.

It sounds like OCD to me. What makes you think otherwise?

Well, I guess the compulsion is hoarding, but what’s the obsession?
And why are they fighting all of the time?
I don’t have a great idea of what’s going on, but I don’t immediately think “OCD”

He said she has a diagnosis.

What would a trained psychiatrist know about OCD compared to the geniuses of DCUM?

That being said, just because she has a diagnosis doesn’t mean she has a *problem* requiring treatment. From OP’s description it doesn’t sound like this negatively impacts her daily life (other than the fighting which one could argue is just as much a result of OP’s constant nagging and criticism).

She gets fixated on certain drinks for awhile. Ok. Who cares?

She has hoarding tendencies when it comes to her old papers and books, but she manages to keep her excess neat and clean? Again, who cares?

None of this sounds particularly off the rails. Awareness of the diagnosis is important in case she gets worse and it does start impacting her in the future, but demanding therapy and drugs because her brain isn’t perfect is pretty outrageous IMO.

Throwing and damaging things is the biggest problem OPs W exhibits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she keeps too many papers and buys specific drinks? That’s it?

Honestly, if you’re this upset about what sounds like completely innocuous (if minorly annoying) behavior, maybe set an example and start the family mental health intervention by working on your controlling tendencies.

Oh, and you do know that you can buy whatever drinks you like, whenever you like, don’t you?

These behaviors may seem innocent, but they are not normal so finding solutions before it gets worse is the best thing to do.

[Anonymous]

So we didn't notice any of this while dating / engaged?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have anxiety and was like your wife. I did not like things out of my control. Even if that means my husband was cleaning instead of me. I would get angry at things and would lash out by throwing things. It was bad. OCD, maybe. I mean, not in the classic way of washing my hands all the time but I like symmetry, order, unwanted thoughts, etc. It took me going to a mental institute for me to change. They put me on medication and I felt like a zombie. I came home and changed my ways without the medication but natural ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She seems to have on and off periods and it's really tiring having to deal with it. We have two entire rooms full of her papers from 9th grade through college and all types of other possessions that she does not need anymore. She does not like me rearranging/fixing anything in the house in case I might throw away something she still needs. She fixates on specific drinks and stocks the fridge up with that one drink for months and does not buy any other. She knows these are things she needs to get treatment for but she doesn't want too. We've had many arguments about this and she just gets angry really fast about everything on a day to day basis (throwing things at walls, damaging doors). It's truly ruining our marriage. I love her and see a future for us but not sure what to do next.

She doesn't need them, but does she want them? I guarantee you have old crap you don't technically "need" either, but if you have the room to keep it, what's the problem? Similarly, fixating on specific drinks (or activities, or hobbies, or shows, or...) isn't a problem in and of itself.

Are you the problem? Are you the one making these things a problem? Maybe focus on solving the problem(s) you're responsible for instead of picking fights with her about how you think she needs to change is a more sustainable solution.

Those are just examples of some ways her OCD manifests that I had right on the top of my head. I know she's struggling and needs help, so I want to help her.

This is PP 09:37. OP, ignore the PPs who want to be amateur armchair psychologists and are attacking you as the problem. None of us on this thread have enough information about your situation to make ANY definitive call about your particular situation. We can only speak from our own experiences.

I posted from my experience with my young adult child diagnosed with OCD. Over the past ten years, child has been through OCD treatment several times (plain CBT which was a disaster and made things worse; ERP which worked well with the external compulsions; and now Inference-based Cognitive-Behavorial Therapy for ongoing internal compulsions which so far is going well). The OCD quiets down for long stretches but never goes away. The OCD ebbs and flows in times of stress when it can be debilitating while over time the particular flavor of OCD (scrupulosity, contamination, over-responsibility, perfectionism, etc.) has morphed. OCD is absolutely draining for the whole family to deal with. That said, my child is an amazing person who I love dearly.

What has been most difficult as a parent trying to help is not knowing when my child is caught up in the mental compulsions which are going at full steam (checking, ruminating, seeking reassurance, avoidance). I-CBT describes this state for the OCD sufferer as crossing the bridge into the OCD Bubble and getting so caught up in the story OCD is telling them that they can't get back out.

I've found it very helpful listening to "The OCD Stories" podcast from Stuart Ralph -- a psychotherapist treating OCD and anxiety disorders in the UK -- and watching Chrissie Hodges' YouTube channel -- she is an OCD advocate and a certified peer support specialist for OCD. For something a bit more "lighthearted" but still educational, try the "OCD doodles" account from Laura Johnson on Instagram.

OP, don't forget to take care of yourself, too! It's a long, hard journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, She does hoard but both rooms are both very neat. She had a bad experience with a therapist prior, so that is why she does not want to get any treatment. She has never been violent towards me but has been against property. We don't have any children. Her family would really shame her and think she was crazy so they don't know about her diagnosis.

You need to sit her down and say that you will divorce if she cannot get her act together. You want a real companion in your life, and you want kids (?), and you can't deal with this anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she keeps too many papers and buys specific drinks? That’s it?

Honestly, if you’re this upset about what sounds like completely innocuous (if minorly annoying) behavior, maybe set an example and start the family mental health intervention by working on your controlling tendencies.

Oh, and you do know that you can buy whatever drinks you like, whenever you like, don’t you?

These behaviors may seem innocent, but they are not normal so finding solutions before it gets worse is the best thing to do.

How old are you? Has no explained to you yet that there is no such thing as normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She seems to have on and off periods and it's really tiring having to deal with it. We have two entire rooms full of her papers from 9th grade through college and all types of other possessions that she does not need anymore. She does not like me rearranging/fixing anything in the house in case I might throw away something she still needs. She fixates on specific drinks and stocks the fridge up with that one drink for months and does not buy any other. She knows these are things she needs to get treatment for but she doesn't want too. We've had many arguments about this and she just gets angry really fast about everything on a day to day basis (throwing things at walls, damaging doors). It's truly ruining our marriage. I love her and see a future for us but not sure what to do next.

She doesn't need them, but does she want them? I guarantee you have old crap you don't technically "need" either, but if you have the room to keep it, what's the problem? Similarly, fixating on specific drinks (or activities, or hobbies, or shows, or...) isn't a problem in and of itself.

Are you the problem? Are you the one making these things a problem? Maybe focus on solving the problem(s) you're responsible for instead of picking fights with her about how you think she needs to change is a more sustainable solution.

Those are just examples of some ways her OCD manifests that I had right on the top of my head. I know she's struggling and needs help, so I want to help her.

This is PP 09:37. OP, ignore the PPs who want to be amateur armchair psychologists and are attacking you as the problem. None of us on this thread have enough information about your situation to make ANY definitive call about your particular situation. We can only speak from our own experiences.

I posted from my experience with my young adult child diagnosed with OCD. Over the past ten years, child has been through OCD treatment several times (plain CBT which was a disaster and made things worse; ERP which worked well with the external compulsions; and now Inference-based Cognitive-Behavorial Therapy for ongoing internal compulsions which so far is going well). The OCD quiets down for long stretches but never goes away. The OCD ebbs and flows in times of stress when it can be debilitating while over time the particular flavor of OCD (scrupulosity, contamination, over-responsibility, perfectionism, etc.) has morphed. OCD is absolutely draining for the whole family to deal with. That said, my child is an amazing person who I love dearly.

What has been most difficult as a parent trying to help is not knowing when my child is caught up in the mental compulsions which are going at full steam (checking, ruminating, seeking reassurance, avoidance). I-CBT describes this state for the OCD sufferer as crossing the bridge into the OCD Bubble and getting so caught up in the story OCD is telling them that they can't get back out.

I've found it very helpful listening to "The OCD Stories" podcast from Stuart Ralph -- a psychotherapist treating OCD and anxiety disorders in the UK -- and watching Chrissie Hodges' YouTube channel -- she is an OCD advocate and a certified peer support specialist for OCD. For something a bit more "lighthearted" but still educational, try the "OCD doodles" account from Laura Johnson on Instagram.

OP, don't forget to take care of yourself, too! It's a long, hard journey.

Thanks for all resourses/advice you'd provided for me. I feel like DW isn't 100% her best self and that's what I want her to become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She seems to have on and off periods and it's really tiring having to deal with it. We have two entire rooms full of her papers from 9th grade through college and all types of other possessions that she does not need anymore. She does not like me rearranging/fixing anything in the house in case I might throw away something she still needs. She fixates on specific drinks and stocks the fridge up with that one drink for months and does not buy any other. She knows these are things she needs to get treatment for but she doesn't want too. We've had many arguments about this and she just gets angry really fast about everything on a day to day basis (throwing things at walls, damaging doors). It's truly ruining our marriage. I love her and see a future for us but not sure what to do next.

She doesn't need them, but does she want them? I guarantee you have old crap you don't technically "need" either, but if you have the room to keep it, what's the problem? Similarly, fixating on specific drinks (or activities, or hobbies, or shows, or...) isn't a problem in and of itself.

Are you the problem? Are you the one making these things a problem? Maybe focus on solving the problem(s) you're responsible for instead of picking fights with her about how you think she needs to change is a more sustainable solution.

Those are just examples of some ways her OCD manifests that I had right on the top of my head. I know she's struggling and needs help, so I want to help her.

This is PP 09:37. OP, ignore the PPs who want to be amateur armchair psychologists and are attacking you as the problem. None of us on this thread have enough information about your situation to make ANY definitive call about your particular situation. We can only speak from our own experiences.

I posted from my experience with my young adult child diagnosed with OCD. Over the past ten years, child has been through OCD treatment several times (plain CBT which was a disaster and made things worse; ERP which worked well with the external compulsions; and now Inference-based Cognitive-Behavorial Therapy for ongoing internal compulsions which so far is going well). The OCD quiets down for long stretches but never goes away. The OCD ebbs and flows in times of stress when it can be debilitating while over time the particular flavor of OCD (scrupulosity, contamination, over-responsibility, perfectionism, etc.) has morphed. OCD is absolutely draining for the whole family to deal with. That said, my child is an amazing person who I love dearly.

What has been most difficult as a parent trying to help is not knowing when my child is caught up in the mental compulsions which are going at full steam (checking, ruminating, seeking reassurance, avoidance). I-CBT describes this state for the OCD sufferer as crossing the bridge into the OCD Bubble and getting so caught up in the story OCD is telling them that they can't get back out.

I've found it very helpful listening to "The OCD Stories" podcast from Stuart Ralph -- a psychotherapist treating OCD and anxiety disorders in the UK -- and watching Chrissie Hodges' YouTube channel -- she is an OCD advocate and a certified peer support specialist for OCD. For something a bit more "lighthearted" but still educational, try the "OCD doodles" account from Laura Johnson on Instagram.

OP, don't forget to take care of yourself, too! It's a long, hard journey.

Agreed OP. Just ignore any suggestions that you may be contributing to the problem in any way, shape, or form. And definitely ignore anyone questioning if these behaviors are even actual problems. Surely no one else responding to you other than this long-suffering PP could possibly have ANY personal experience with OCD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She seems to have on and off periods and it's really tiring having to deal with it. We have two entire rooms full of her papers from 9th grade through college and all types of other possessions that she does not need anymore. She does not like me rearranging/fixing anything in the house in case I might throw away something she still needs. She fixates on specific drinks and stocks the fridge up with that one drink for months and does not buy any other. She knows these are things she needs to get treatment for but she doesn't want too. We've had many arguments about this and she just gets angry really fast about everything on a day to day basis (throwing things at walls, damaging doors). It's truly ruining our marriage. I love her and see a future for us but not sure what to do next.

She doesn't need them, but does she want them? I guarantee you have old crap you don't technically "need" either, but if you have the room to keep it, what's the problem? Similarly, fixating on specific drinks (or activities, or hobbies, or shows, or...) isn't a problem in and of itself.

Are you the problem? Are you the one making these things a problem? Maybe focus on solving the problem(s) you're responsible for instead of picking fights with her about how you think she needs to change is a more sustainable solution.

Those are just examples of some ways her OCD manifests that I had right on the top of my head. I know she's struggling and needs help, so I want to help her.

This is PP 09:37. OP, ignore the PPs who want to be amateur armchair psychologists and are attacking you as the problem. None of us on this thread have enough information about your situation to make ANY definitive call about your particular situation. We can only speak from our own experiences.

I posted from my experience with my young adult child diagnosed with OCD. Over the past ten years, child has been through OCD treatment several times (plain CBT which was a disaster and made things worse; ERP which worked well with the external compulsions; and now Inference-based Cognitive-Behavorial Therapy for ongoing internal compulsions which so far is going well). The OCD quiets down for long stretches but never goes away. The OCD ebbs and flows in times of stress when it can be debilitating while over time the particular flavor of OCD (scrupulosity, contamination, over-responsibility, perfectionism, etc.) has morphed. OCD is absolutely draining for the whole family to deal with. That said, my child is an amazing person who I love dearly.

What has been most difficult as a parent trying to help is not knowing when my child is caught up in the mental compulsions which are going at full steam (checking, ruminating, seeking reassurance, avoidance). I-CBT describes this state for the OCD sufferer as crossing the bridge into the OCD Bubble and getting so caught up in the story OCD is telling them that they can't get back out.

I've found it very helpful listening to "The OCD Stories" podcast from Stuart Ralph -- a psychotherapist treating OCD and anxiety disorders in the UK -- and watching Chrissie Hodges' YouTube channel -- she is an OCD advocate and a certified peer support specialist for OCD. For something a bit more "lighthearted" but still educational, try the "OCD doodles" account from Laura Johnson on Instagram.

OP, don't forget to take care of yourself, too! It's a long, hard journey.

Thanks for all resourses/advice you'd provided for me. I feel like DW isn't 100% her best self and that's what I want her to become.

I hope she becomes her best self and then divorces you. You sound horrible.