Nowhere for child to sit at birthday party/bullying issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it probably felt worse to you than it was. I can sympathize. But take comfort that most people probably didn't notice much. I think the suggestions to just take your son for fresh air if you sense he is breaking down is a good one.

I greatly dislike the responses from PPs saying mean things about your son. He is five. Anyone who has called him a wimp or given the "buck up" line is an asshat. That whole attitude is why so many of the other boys are crazed lunatics. How about those parents try to raise better boys who aren't so out of control. I'm tired of the boys will be boys crap excuse for boys behaving badly.

I was one of the people who said OP’s son is wimpy. My boys are teenagers. I can’t recall them ever crying at a birthday party, even in preschool. These should be fun. Even if they didn’t know anyone, they would enjoy the activity. Some parties are not fun and that is fine, too. The birthday parties will become drop off and OP’s child obviously can’t be dropped off.

NP. C'mon. OP's child is 5! None of my kids was invited to a drop-off party at that age (parents stayed), and yet when drop-off parties became a thing all the clingy kids who couldn't be dropped off at younger ages were totally fine. Just because OP's son was upset at this one birthday party does not mean he won't be able to dropped off a year or two (or more) from now.

I had a baby when my son was in kindergarten. Starting in first grade, he was mostly dropped off at parties and play dates. In my experience, parents stay to socialize with other parents. That baby is now in elementary school. The moms who stay are there to hang out with us parents. The parents with multiple kids or busy will take those two hours to run an errand, work out, etc. in DD’s friend group, half the moms I am not friends either and have been drop off since end of kindergarten. Half the moms I hang out with or without the kids so when we make plans, they stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to be honest here, I think you have major social anxiety and either your kid has the same tendencies, or he’s mirroring your behavior.

It’s clear from the way you got flustered and are upset with the other parents that this “no seats left” thing was sort of a catastrophe. But that’s in your head (and now your kid’s). It’s very likely that no one offered their seat because nobody understood what was happening or why you were both upset.

You both need to be able to roll with stuff. We’re not always the center of attention or the belle of the ball. You can eat pizza standing up. Or wait for someone else to finish and move. Not a big deal.

We all have a deep reaction to other kids being less than nice to ours, but sometimes that happens. You need to be able to control yourself enough to show your kid that it’s not the end of the world, even if it sucks a little bit in the moment.

^This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it probably felt worse to you than it was. I can sympathize. But take comfort that most people probably didn't notice much. I think the suggestions to just take your son for fresh air if you sense he is breaking down is a good one.

I greatly dislike the responses from PPs saying mean things about your son. He is five. Anyone who has called him a wimp or given the "buck up" line is an asshat. That whole attitude is why so many of the other boys are crazed lunatics. How about those parents try to raise better boys who aren't so out of control. I'm tired of the boys will be boys crap excuse for boys behaving badly.

I was one of the people who said OP’s son is wimpy. My boys are teenagers. I can’t recall them ever crying at a birthday party, even in preschool. These should be fun. Even if they didn’t know anyone, they would enjoy the activity. Some parties are not fun and that is fine, too. The birthday parties will become drop off and OP’s child obviously can’t be dropped off.

NP. C'mon. OP's child is 5! None of my kids was invited to a drop-off party at that age (parents stayed), and yet when drop-off parties became a thing all the clingy kids who couldn't be dropped off at younger ages were totally fine. Just because OP's son was upset at this one birthday party does not mean he won't be able to dropped off a year or two (or more) from now.

It also depends on number of kids and if your kindergarten child is your first or only. There are all sorts of families. There are families who always try to bring sivling(s). I have 3 kids and our saturdays were often busy and DH has always hated birthday parties. Some families just don’t come vs dropping off. My kids have always played a lot of sports so we have always dropped off or carpooled to birthdays. This is probably more due to my being pregnant or having a baby when my boys were in early elementary.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I was pregnant when my boys were in preschool and elementary. The people we dropped off with were people in our immediate neighborhood. The dynamic is probably different than private school where families may live further apart and parents may not know each other.

I have a kid who started private middle school this year and he has not had one outside hang out since school started. He still hangs out with neighbors multiple times a week.

[Anonymous]

Moral. Folks don’t sit with your kid at a party until all the kids are seated.

Really op this was not your fault. I’m so sorry the other parents had low eq.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sound like a total shhhhshow
I would consider sending him to another school

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my son is now 21 and I can feel myself in your shoes like it was yesterday. In fact, my son and I were just talking about his experience at his DC (N-8) private and his feeling--still, after all these years--that it was an awful place for him. Being the youngest in kindergarten--I don't know when your son's b-day is, but my kid's was June--just set him off on the wrong foot with teachers, kids, and even other parents, especially because he also had ADHD. Most kids in his grade were at least 6 months, but many over a year older than him. And this dynamic that you saw today, honestly, persists. I know how you felt, so do not listen to these posters telling you how badly you handled it. The older kids and their parents were looking down on you and your kid. It's how they are, and while there are some lovely people, as I said, the dynamic will not change. If I could do it over, I would have moved my kid from that very snottty school--again, N-8 in DC so figure that out if you'd like--with many red-shirted boys, and have him repeat at a kindler, gentler school until he builds confidence. I don't mean to make a mountain out of a molehill, but take it from someone who's been there and still feels that pain over 15 years later.

This is true for us. Shrug off the party. Ultimately that is not important.

Consider that this setting is not right for your kid. It doesn't mean he or you failed or are failures. Just that he may need a different cohort to shine.

[Anonymous]

I go with my youngest to birthday parties and the moms tend to stand on the perimeter and chat. I try to remain invisible so my son doesn't stick to me like glue. No way are we sitting down and gorging on pizza with the kids.
Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Stop spending time going over the birthday party. It's pointless. Focus on the bigger issue that your son needs to switch schools. As soon as possible. Go public.

Honestly, OP, you seem like one of those parents who expects everyone around you to be in tune with what you and your son are going through. Those parents taking up seats were oblivious. Throwing your son's coat on the back of chair didn't "save" it. Your unwillingness to speak up and ask parents taking up chairs is on you. You wanted other people to observe and interpret what was going on with you and intervene to save the damsel in distress. But everyone else in that chaotic room was dealing with their own thing, whether it was watching their own kid, engrossed in convo with another parent, catching up on email on their phone since another kid's bday party is a chance to zone out a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moral. Folks don’t sit with your kid at a party until all the kids are seated.

Really op this was not your fault. I’m so sorry the other parents had low eq.

The host gave the kid a chair. The kid overreacted and was embarrassed.

I have been to so many of these places. I don’t think many parents are sitting in a kid chair. If op simply spoke up to an adult in a kid chair, that parent would have given the kid the chair. The whole thing was no big deal. It probably all occurred in 5 minutes and no one cares except op and her kid who made it a bigger deal than it was.

[Anonymous]

This seems less about the party and this school does not sound like a good fit for your kid.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you are getting some rude responses here.

I think the best thing you could have done is to demonstrate to your son what problem solving looks like in a social situation like this. You have said that you have social anxiety yourself. What I read in your post is that you were looking for other people to notice the problem and solve it for you. But what gives us confidence is being able to solve problems ourselves. The quickest way to solve this problem would have been to say to a seated parent, "I'm sorry, all the chairs are taken, would you mind letting my son sit here?"

All this is to say that helping your son navigate the world likely will require you to work on your own social anxiety and social skills. It will help you be a better advocate for him, and help teach him to be an advocate for himself.

I'll also add that it sounds like you don't like this school very much. Is there a reason to stay there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, in that situation I would have turned to an adult on their phone and said, "Excuse me, could my son use this chair for a few minutes so he can eat pizza?"

Nobody would say no to that.

Also, OP, get hand sanitizer to squirt on your kid in situations like this. You treated him like a baby by taking him to wash his hands, and then got upset with him that he acted like a baby.

All of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to be honest here, I think you have major social anxiety and either your kid has the same tendencies, or he’s mirroring your behavior.

It’s clear from the way you got flustered and are upset with the other parents that this “no seats left” thing was sort of a catastrophe. But that’s in your head (and now your kid’s). It’s very likely that no one offered their seat because nobody understood what was happening or why you were both upset.

You both need to be able to roll with stuff. We’re not always the center of attention or the belle of the ball. You can eat pizza standing up. Or wait for someone else to finish and move. Not a big deal.

We all have a deep reaction to other kids being less than nice to ours, but sometimes that happens. You need to be able to control yourself enough to show your kid that it’s not the end of the world, even if it sucks a little bit in the moment.

I had this thought as well. Combine that with OP's DS being younger than the other boys and the stimulation of a birthday party, and you get a not-great situation that turned into an anxious meltdown mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to be honest here, I think you have major social anxiety and either your kid has the same tendencies, or he’s mirroring your behavior.

It’s clear from the way you got flustered and are upset with the other parents that this “no seats left” thing was sort of a catastrophe. But that’s in your head (and now your kid’s). It’s very likely that no one offered their seat because nobody understood what was happening or why you were both upset.

You both need to be able to roll with stuff. We’re not always the center of attention or the belle of the ball. You can eat pizza standing up. Or wait for someone else to finish and move. Not a big deal.

We all have a deep reaction to other kids being less than nice to ours, but sometimes that happens. You need to be able to control yourself enough to show your kid that it’s not the end of the world, even if it sucks a little bit in the moment.

+1
Also at that age, your son is old enough to be dropped off. If you wanted to stay, you need to stay on the sidelines more. Use the time to chat with these parents and make friends. Your ds is so used to and expecting you to helicopter that he has not had to learn how to navigate social situations himself, and he’s old enough that he should. You criticize the kid for taking your son’s seat, the mom for doing nothing, etc, but they’re in the right - these kids need to figure this out on their own. Your ds sounds a little socially stunted from having you micromanage everything. Depending on when he turns 6, I’d bet he could benefit from another year of k, potentially starting over at a new school with you stepping back a bit. Use your energy to chat with the parents and meet them, not hover

This is really good advice, OP. And treat your own anxiety with CBT or DBT and meds if needed.

Buy the book Unstuck and On Target and start working with your son.